My adult children are estranged from each other.

It so sad to hear these stories . My now AC got on as kids , fought like cat and dog as teenagers , but in their twenties started to get on again and at 31 and 34 are really close . They socialise together and are there for each other .
I’m close to my siblings as is my DM but my DH family were always falling out . My fil who was one of 7 was estranged from one brother and 2 sisters . As a result my dh doesn’t have a relationship with those cousins .

That’s a great point about cousins, GoldenAge.

Cabbie21 - Personally I don't like the word 'interfering' and would rather talk about 'not getting involved' as the former has a negative connotation whereas it's perfectly possible to be involved without being seen to interfere. It's sad when siblings fall out as adults, especially since at the end of their lives its their siblings who will have shared early memories with them. I would ask each one if they'd be prepared to work with a family systems therapist to try to find a resolution for the sake of their children who are cousins, who share a lot of DNA and who might need each other in the future. If they aren't prepared to do that, then you will at least never say to yourself that you didn't try. If they agree, you can find a family systems therapist on the BACP counselling website, on their Directory of Therapists. Good luck.

It’s not down to you to fix it, they are adults who are old enough to fix things themselves. It’s very common although yes hurtful for mum and dad

Maybe with a special birthday coming up, a time to say as a birthday present you’d like them all to be there… see what happens. If one of them doesn’t, then have a 2nd celebration. Good luck.

Let them work it out. It’s a terrible position for a mum to be in. It’s also a lose-lose. No matter your intentions, getting involved is likely to lead to someone accusing you of taking the other’s side or meddling. I’m sorry you’re this situation. It’s very hard.

Lovely Wyllow 😍

How sad all these messages make me feel. Having just shared a villa in Greece to celebrate my 70th with 2 daughters 2 son in laws and 5 grandchildren I feel so very lucky. We all get on so well, the children too, and we always really try to give as much as we can to make our time together special. I think that because my middle daughter died 10 years ago it makes us especially close. It’s very special and I now realise, maybe not as common as I thought.

Growing up my sister and i drifted apart having been close as children though we could fight like cat and dog.

We would still see eachother at family events but it wasn't until our DM died that we realised she had manipulated us both for years.

That was 15 years ago and now we are the best of friends although I wouldn't go on holiday with her!

Of my own DC, the 3rd and 4th are close but the older two can wind eachother up very quickly. I think they are jealous for some reason and their partners don't get on.
It's a pity but I think they love eachother deep down. I hope so. I hope that when I'm gone they'll look after eachother.

Also I have to be careful not to praise their children too much as it looks like favouritism. I miss DH so much as he and I could share our pride. I have no-one now.

None of my four children get on well, they're all very different. I do make attempts to reconcile them and, although three of them did come to our recent anniversary party, they barely spoke and are obviously still estranged. I don't know what went on, but something clearly is wrong and I can't get to the bottom of it.

The dispute was of their making and should be of their mending. As you have no knowledge of what happened and neither has disclosed to you, they obviously do not want your opinion or interference. Very hard but you can't make people like one another. Perhaps time will heal.

Oh my goodness. They sound absolutely horrible 😢

My children also struggle to get on. They are very different people really, but they do make an effort sometimes.

It used to hurt me a lot that we were not a family 'unit' and felt like some sort of failure.

Now I look at it very differently in that they both feel free to be themselves and accept they will never be as close as they were when children. Life is just like that sometimes.

I do tell them it hurts though. I feel I have two families- maybe it's a curse, maybe it's a blessing...? Not much I can do to change it really.

My son and daughter haven't spoken or seen each other for at least 8 yrs . In the past when I would try mediation each would say practically the same derogotive things about each other I gave up a long time ago . No family Christmases or special times .

Yes i think that was the start of the ice- breaking, one or other of them would ask how the nephews/neices were, etc.But once they felt 'free' i think of their partners 'putting a spoke in' then they realised why were they still estranged? Im glad they made up before i was in hospital etc as its obvious its genuinely because theyve missed each other, not just feeling like they have to, for my sake

My sister did something that really hurt my daughter and I wrote to her telling her I no longer wanted a relationship with her bar a civil one at family events. She wrote to my other children to try to get them on her side but they wrote back politely and told her that until she apologised for her behaviour to my daughter they would be distancing themselves. She then wrote nasty emails to them about me telling all sorts of lies. From the start I told them they were under no pressure from me to take sides. Somehow I was the one ostracised on my father’s side. That hurt.
However, when my mum became ill I decided to bury the hatchet for her sake. Most of the time it works but every now and then my sister blows up about how we all abandoned her and when I calmly say that actions have consequences she can’t take any responsibility for her actions. She has found herself cut off from her own children and I feel very sad that she can’t see her part in it all. She just doesn’t seem to help herself and I find myself torn between sympathy and frustration at her destructive nature.
I have made up my mind that once my Mum has gone I will do my best to keep things on an evil keel but I am not going to put up with toxic behaviour. Life is just too short.
My daughter has a fractious relationship with her brothers but I try not to get involved as it can blow up in my face without me even trying. It’s difficult because I hate it when they fall out but they are such different personalities it was always likely to happen. Usually things blow over and I hop they always will.

Yes i had a special birthday a couple of years ago, but though they said they would all be willing to be there for me, in the end one of them made an excuse (i think) not to attend.But was probably a good thing at the time maybe.It was over a year later that they made friends again.

This happened to two of my AC about 7 or 8yrs ago, what started over something which would have previously blown over in a few days, was fanned and blown out of huge proportion by their respective partners.But i told them both i was not taking sides, as i loved both of them and my grandchildren.They accepted this, and i never told either of anything to do with the other, nor bad- mouthed them at all.Their siblings followed suit so no other rifts thankfully- but i could see it was hurting them and as time wore on i realised they missed each other, as they'd always been the closest before..Fast forward a few years and one had a new partner, and one embarking on a divorce.They have now made up and the rest of us are so happy & relieved as they help each other like they used to and are making up for lost time.I dont know if your AC will do the same, but i do hope so..Just give them time, but dont interfere.Just stay friends with both.And show them they are both still loved.

I think much depends on the nature of the relationship before this event. If they had never really got on or enjoyed each others company, they may not think it is worth trying to heal the breach. But if this is out of character, I would be more hopeful about a successful recovery. Especially if they do enquire about each other. That means that they still care and are interested. I think it’s good that you can be the conduit for news and I would carry on doing that unless you are specifically asked not to.
Have you tried saying that you would love to be able to have everyone at your birthday dinner, and whether they think they could do this? They can only say no.

My aunt made the mistake of intervening between two children and seeming to take sides. One never really spoke to her mother again, there was a huge rift. I would say stay out of it and certainly don't take sides. They are adults, they need to sort it out themselves.

2 of my 3 children haven't spoken in 3 years. I feel for my middle child as he is stuck in the middle (literally). They are all in their 30's.
It's very sad for all the family, especially my grandchildren, as they don't see their Uncle any more.
I truly believe that they will never talk again.
Nothing major happened, they have never really got on and one day whilst we were having a family holiday it kicked off and my youngest decided that he doesn't want anything to do with his sister.
My son has asked me not to mention him and his life to my daughter, it's very upsetting.
Anyone in this situation I really hope the situation improves.

If you've treated them the same its not your fault. I don't have contact with my brother mainly due to how different we've been treated by our parents.

Tell all concerned that you’re not taking sides but feel they should grow up and sort out their differences……..life is far too short to bear grudges in the family.

In 2011 my mother celebrated her 80th birthday. She had asked me to organise everything for her which I accepted. I am disabled (rare neuro condition which I got in 2005) but the prodigal son had come back from USA where he fled when he upset the apple cart.
I didn't get an invite to her party, and when I went to take her gift on her birthday asked what I had done for this to happen. I was told "We are all sick of you playing on your illness" Everyone knew this wasn't true. On that I turned around and she then said "I have never asked you to do anything for me, and I have a lot of friends so don't need you"
That was June 20th 2011, she died without seeing me on January 5th 2025. She had found out that she did have lots of fairweather friends, but no genuine ones. I saw with my own eyes how their visitors dwindled with time. (She lived net door).
She always knew that if I walked away (which I never thought I would) I wouldn't be coming back so she knew what was in store.
It hurt like hell. I couldn't be more upset - but then realised that she hadn't thrown all of the rot. She and my father were making an LPA and she sent around to tell me it was the eldest and youngest children who were being appointed. I knew this would mean trouble for the pair of them.
All I could do is stand and watch - and report my suspicions to the Public Guardian. I wrote several times (each time saying I had no firm evidence), it took over a year and many emails before they put sanctions on them. The youngest was struck off (clearly his pockets were lined enough!) and the eldest one had to work with a solicitor approved by the courts. They then put my other brother as an attorney as the 3rd who had been appouinted was well known and he realised what this was going to cost him.
Very long story but if she had done the right thing and apologised it would all have been over with, but her strings were being pulled by my brother.
She died a lonely old woman, I'm not proud of that especially when I heard the eldest brother had lined his pockets to the tune of £2m to buy a farm.
Leave well alone, sometimes estrangement is the best. I am currently working with our 3 children for dividends that should have been paid to them from shares my dad bought for them. I believe he is foolish enough to think he can get around it, but all three have said to me to-day that he has had 14 years to sort it out ........... he had precisely 6 days to pay it all in full or the pre-prepared claims will be sent to the small claims court.

My DD is not speaking to her brother or SIL at the moment. It's been 3 months since brother's 2 children (13 and 16) bullied her DD age 10. They called her names and 16yr old put her in an arm lock. DIL really told them off, apologised to my DD and took them straight home. DD didn't get a present for 13yr olds birthday and hasn't contacted them since. It's a shame because she was very close to DB and SIL until this happened. I've decided not to interfere and just visit each separately. It was a bad thing to do and I think DIL did her best and even apologised to put it right. I'm thinking least said soonest mended hopefully.