Married nearly 35 years Help!

BlueBelle

Allira thanks x I didn’t touch on for any reason other than saying I do have a true understand of control, and trauma and inequalities in partnerships

I know someone who is going through similar.

Allira thanks x I didn’t touch on for any reason other than saying I do have a true understand of control, and trauma and inequalities in partnerships

Bluebelle 👏👏👏

And I'm sorry for what you went through.

Lots of words being put in peoples mouths I don’t remember saying you re a gold digger but you have had everything in your court for 35 years even today you say ‘sorry for not answering but I was at Ascot and a celebration’ …..really ! he sounds a dreadful provider !!!
I wish you had know mine I used to hide bits of money for myself in a tampax box in the hope he wouldn’t find it Many on here know about coercive control and not through textbooks .
If you have now realised that you cannot stand being around this man for the next 20 years, do the honest thing and leave but don’t take all his money to keep you in the same lifestyle you’re used to, earn your own. You will probably break his heart as I would imagine he will have no idea he’s done anything wrong but at least you will have the rest of your life doing it all your way and good luck if you do do that, but you won’t will you ?

This has brought to mind the recommendation of a friendly acquaintance who advised me not to downsize too much, as "You can't get away from each other". 🏤 ➡️ 🏚

OP sounds discontented with her marriage- is it the prospect of looking after an old man for the next 10-15 years? There is quite an age difference.
A grumpy one at that?
Why does this come as a surprise when OP finds herself with her DH 24/7?
Marriage has its ups and downs- sometimes very long way down- but isn't that what you commit to unless one half "breaks" the contract?
What constitutes "unreasonable behaviour" may be subjective and given that OP has seemed content enough with conditions over the last 35 years, why should this come up just now?
Except
1) the children have flown the nest
2)OP has lost her sense of purpose
3) her DH has similarly lost his role as "breadwinner " and his status from his professional life
4) they are faced with just each other - he thinks this is great, lots of time to do things together. She, not so much.

Lots of couples find they have run out of things to say to each other after all those decades- but instead of "dreading " the future, what do you DO about it.

No, I think OP can expect some sympathy (hands up anybody who has NEVER contemplated the prospect of their or their partner's declining years with an element of apprehension), and clearly a response from some of LTB, but from my experience it's big girl pants on time.
Stay, leave or work through.
I can't remember who suggested counselling, but I'd agree, time to start Googling RELATE .

Firstly I’m not putting myself forward as a victim or being in a controlling or coercive relationship and I don’t see why I’m described as being dishonest Bluebelle, and I don’t think I’m the one blowing all this out of perportion.

All I was saying and maybe I didn’t explain this very well in the first place is, yes, I like the lifestyle DH gave me ans still gives me and enjoyed being a SAHM with all the trappings

You've had a good life but you now realise that, for no good reason, you don't like your husband. The honest thing would be to tell him that you don't want his company and take the consequences. Do you have a second home ? If so, move there. You may or may not divorce in the future but at least you will be on your own to do as you choose.

Sorry yes it was Aldom - I'm easily confused!

Aldom

Allira

I’ve not to have much to complain about and that's why I feel as I think Allira said I should 'put up and shut up.!!

I've never said that.
In fact, I said you should find your voice and start planning positive things with your DH.

Ps mine rarely notices what I wear but if I do dress up to ho out he says I "look nice" in a very surprised voice 😁

Allira I suggested 'put up and shut up'

Thanks Aldom!

I began to think I'd dreamed it!

Char65

Firstly I’m not putting myself forward as a victim or being in a controlling or coercive relationship and I don’t see why I’m described as being dishonest Bluebelle, and I don’t think I’m the one blowing all this out of perportion.

All I was saying and maybe I didn’t explain this very well in the first place is, yes, I like the lifestyle DH gave me ans still gives me and enjoyed being a SAHM with all the trappings and as eazybee whilst accepting for 35 years or nearly that my DH was

simply a traditional, conservative husband with a strong sense of responsibility for his family and a generous nature who is NOT coercive and controlling but possibly somewhat autocratic and on occasion slightly overbearing.

but now, I guess I’ve realised me and DH don’t actually have much in common (hence the dread etc in my ealrier post)! The reason Covid was a a nightmare was I was locked down with him! I guess its that in a nut shell. I totally accept that I have ‘eaten a huge meal at a restaurant’ and other things, RoseandherMaw, Bluebelle and Allira have said and yes I may be or a gold digger if you want to put it like that and that’s why I’m kinda reluctant to hurt DH by saying I want something else when I’m not even sure what that is and he feels everything is fine – why wouldn’t he I’ve never really complained – I’ve not to have much to complain about and that's why I feel as I think Allira said I should 'put up and shut up.!!

Logically you've 2 choices - stay or leave. You seem to feel leaving would be unacceptable, for unexplained reason, thus stay and be treated as a child.

Allira

^I’ve not to have much to complain about and that's why I feel as I think Allira said I should 'put up and shut up.!!^

I've never said that.
In fact, I said you should find your voice and start planning positive things with your DH.

Ps mine rarely notices what I wear but if I do dress up to ho out he says I "look nice" in a very surprised voice 😁

Allira I suggested 'put up and shut up'

🤔 I'm wondering how you interpreted my posts in that way, Char65? To put up and shut up? I most certainly did not say that.

I also posted:

Well, that's partly her own fault for being a doormat for the sake of the comfortable life she enjoyed.

Anyway, no need to be at loggerheads for days. Just smile sweetly and do your own thing.
If he did become nasty then, that is the time to make serious plans.

And advised you to become more assertive too.

In fact, in my first post, I said this:

^You need to be assertive without being argumentative. Don't apologise (unless you are in the wrong of course) , just smile and say "we'll have to agree to differ".^

I’ve not to have much to complain about and that's why I feel as I think Allira said I should 'put up and shut up.!!

I've never said that.
In fact, I said you should find your voice and start planning positive things with your DH.

Ps mine rarely notices what I wear but if I do dress up to ho out he says I "look nice" in a very surprised voice 😁

Firstly I’m not putting myself forward as a victim or being in a controlling or coercive relationship and I don’t see why I’m described as being dishonest Bluebelle, and I don’t think I’m the one blowing all this out of perportion.

All I was saying and maybe I didn’t explain this very well in the first place is, yes, I like the lifestyle DH gave me ans still gives me and enjoyed being a SAHM with all the trappings and as eazybee whilst accepting for 35 years or nearly that my DH was

simply a traditional, conservative husband with a strong sense of responsibility for his family and a generous nature who is NOT coercive and controlling but possibly somewhat autocratic and on occasion slightly overbearing.

but now, I guess I’ve realised me and DH don’t actually have much in common (hence the dread etc in my ealrier post)! The reason Covid was a a nightmare was I was locked down with him! I guess its that in a nut shell. I totally accept that I have ‘eaten a huge meal at a restaurant’ and other things, RoseandherMaw, Bluebelle and Allira have said and yes I may be or a gold digger if you want to put it like that and that’s why I’m kinda reluctant to hurt DH by saying I want something else when I’m not even sure what that is and he feels everything is fine – why wouldn’t he I’ve never really complained – I’ve not to have much to complain about and that's why I feel as I think Allira said I should 'put up and shut up.!!

I empathise with your situation. However, if my DH asked me, let alone “made me”, change my clothes and said I was a mess, I’d be on the phone to a divorce lawyer pronto!
Having said that, there are many positive things about your relationship, not just economic. Have you considered couples therapy? It would be something to do together and a safe space to tell him how you feel? He might be horrified to learn of the effect his behaviour has on you. You could craft a reason for going, even if initially you couched it in terms your problem with something and how he could help you - rather than saying outright it was him!

I feel sorry for ypu Char not once have you mentioned laughter, love or just pure happiness.
I don’t know enough of the reality of your marriage, but it seems built on pound notes rather than affection, respect or care, a sorry existence from my point of view.
If you've ever loved him then the time for setting expectations on both sides for a future time together was a long, long time ago.

Oh how this is being blow up out of all proportion.

👏👏👏

He has been designated as a pantomime villain from information gleaned from posts on social media.

These are two people who have reached a new stage in their lives and both have to learn to adapt.

You say husband used to play a lot of golf, still does, but less now. What do you do when he’s out playing golf? Shop on your own / see your friends / go to yoga class / etc? Do more of that…….

DH and I do lots together and both really enjoy each other’s company, but if you’re together all day / every day it can get claustrophobic. You need individual interests for your own wellbeing and independence.

She had four children in 10 years. One might keep a semblance of tidiness depending on where the children were allowed to go in the house but how does one keep a peaceful house with four young children under 10?

You have nannies and au pairs, a daily woman, a gardener, probably pack the kids off to prep school then boarding school.
You have a big enough house (was it 7 bedrooms?) perhaps a nursery wing , certainly a playroom and organised weekend activities for the children once they are old enough for tennis lessons, cricket, riding lessons , ballet and rugger

That is all part of how people control one another. Read about trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance. I see that in what she writes and the excuses she makes for him.

Oh how this is being blow up out of all proportion.
Just to add, we only have one side of the story from a self-confessed “trophy wife” who sadly does not seem to reciprocate her DH’s desires to spend more time with her now that he is retired.
Do I sense the inconvenience of having an older man around her neck? Making her life untidy?
Poor man, is this all he has to look forward to- a life as an inconvenient meal ticket?

Based on what OP has said in her opening post and subsequent responses, I think it very likely that she is a victim. I am entitled to my “well-meaning” view based on what she has written.

You say he is probably kind, generous etc.

That is all part of how people control one another. Read about trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance. I see that in what she writes and the excuses she makes for him.

I read: DH didn’t complaint as long as the house was peaceful, tidy and I didn’t argue with him and was around when needed.

She had four children in 10 years. One might keep a semblance of tidiness depending on where the children were allowed to go in the house but how does one keep a peaceful house with four young children under 10?

She says: Of course, in 35 years of marriage we’ve had rows/cross words/arguments but a lot have been child-related. I’ll always defend the children.

Why does she have to defend the children against their father?

It matters not whether someone is a rich as Croesus or lives on a poor housing estate. Some people enjoy controlling their partners. After decades of it, the latter may see no alternatve but to let them if only for a quiet life - c/f the many, many similar discussions from miserable women started on this board almost every day.

It needs to stop.

I think well meaning replies like those from Silverbrooks add to the OP victim scenario .
Genuinely helpful suggestions have been offered and a man who is probably, kind, generous, maybe old fashioned, but nevertheless a good husband and father, who admits his (lucrative) career prevented him spending much time with her when they were younger, is now depicted as a coercive controlling pantomime villain.
This may suit OP’s narrative but unless she wants to see herself replaced by a newer model I would think some more give and take on her side might not come amiss.
There is a name for women who stick with men purely for the comfortable lifestyle and it involves a precious metal and a spade.
Or remember “Mrs Morton’s” interview with Debbie McGhee

I think you are a very fortunate woman.
You need to put up and shut up or
do something about whatever it is that's bothering you.
Life's too short. Try being thankful for once and see how it feels!

I am not sure the OP wants a solution, she is just enjoying herself pretending to be a victim.

It is quite clear that if she wanted to, she has all the resources she needs, mental and financial, to walk out of this marriage and build herself a 'better' life elsewhere, but of course, she doesn't really want to.

I have known women like that in the past, not one of them has ever left her husband, they enjoy the cushy life he provides for them while luxuriating in the freedom of being able to constantly whinge about him behind his back.