Married nearly 35 years Help!

Goes to show money can't buy you love...,love.

Google coercive and controlling abuse .....and ask yourself if thats what you would want for your DDs

I'm sorry to read your story. You say you love him but you look at the future "with dread". You have to face the fact that he's not going to change. The only person you can change is yourself, to build a way forward, and a counsellor would help you with this. What do you want to do? You need to think this through very carefully.

He is an alpha male and is used to being the boss at work, and now he only has you to boss around.

LOUISA1523

Google coercive and controlling abuse .....and ask yourself if thats what you would want for your DDs

Yes I have done that and know there are some traits definitely but when he was working I did do my own thing and he wasn't 'controlling' in terms of checking up on me which i've read about. I think he is very traditional in his thinking but agree with @Sparklefizz that he's not going to change.

Can you build a circle of activities away from him if you don't want to leave?
Or are you afraid to?
I would think that it would seem to be a scary option- but it really is an option.

The fact that you can't chat to him is a lonely place.
His retirement means he will probably be chipping away at your domain and leaving you with less and less.

If you were reading this regarding someone else, what would you say to them?

Thinking of you.

If you’re lucky, you have many years of life left. Is what you have enough, what can you change to make you less in dread

LOUISA1523

Google coercive and controlling abuse .....and ask yourself if thats what you would want for your DDs

This isn’t coercive control. For many years the OP was free to to go out, see friends and family, her own bank account, no one checking up on her as to where she was, who has she spoken to.
Speak to my friend who was a victim.
For years she always had to sit in a seat facing the wall when her and her abuser went out to eat. That’s just one tiny rule she had to obey.

What do you live the most, the lifestyle or the man?

Well you ve had all the benefits for 35+ years so I m not go to say I m sorry for you that would be disingenuous of me
You ve enjoyed allowing him to be the breadwinner while you do what you say you loved staying at home with the children and a lovely house expensive clothes, holidays, wining and dining etc with him at the helm as the boss
You ve accepted his ways while it was to your advantage suddenly he’s at home and it’s not so good but everything in life has a price
You aren’t going to change him…. as far as he knows he’s been the perfect provider, husband and friend he hasn’t changed nor have you but the circumstances have so you either sink or swim on this one
Find stuff to do outside the house find your voice if you want and tell him how you want his retirement to be but you can’t grumble if it’s not how you want it
No amount of money would make me be subservient to a man but we re all different and that’s the choice you made
Good luck in a long and passably happy later life

Clearly, money is no object, which it often is when couples decide to separate post-retirement. For many it might be very hard indeed to fund two households from joint assets but that wouldn’t appear to be the case here.

You appear to have enjoyed and still enjoy the material benefits that his work has enabled you to have - but life is about more than fancy homes and holidays and getting your hair done.

My question is always where do you want to be in five years time, ten years time and more? He is 13 years older than you but that’s no guarantee he will die first. He could live another 20 years or. Do you want 20 or more years of this?

There are many members of this forum who have divorced in older age and never looked back.

Never ever let a man control who you are and what you do and make you feel you are walking on eggshells.

There is nothing wrong in admitting you want a different life now. You have already effectively done so by writing about your life here.

Only you can decide what you want to do but I’d be seeing a divorce lawyer.

It doesn’t have to be an acrimonious divorce. Many couples do stay togther until the children are grown then go their separate ways.

petra

LOUISA1523

Google coercive and controlling abuse .....and ask yourself if thats what you would want for your DDs

This isn’t coercive control. For many years the OP was free to to go out, see friends and family, her own bank account, no one checking up on her as to where she was, who has she spoken to.
Speak to my friend who was a victim.
For years she always had to sit in a seat facing the wall when her and her abuser went out to eat. That’s just one tiny rule she had to obey.

There are degrees of coercive control, as with all forms of abuse.

Just because the friend was a victim of a more extreme form of it doesn't mean that what OP experiences is not coercive control. The fact that the behaviour is intensifying now that DH is retired and around the house more is concerning.

OP only enjoyed relative freedom while DH was working and had plenty of other people to bully and control.

I'm a little confused as to what you are asking or what you want?

Thanks for replies which I will read and re-read.

@BlueBelle "*as far as he knows he’s been the perfect provider, husband and friend he hasn’t changed nor have you but the circumstances have so you either sink or swim on this one"

Yes, exactly that, he really does think has been the perfect huband/provider - the only thing he will say is maybe be worked too much but he can see no reason at all why I'm not very happy with my lot in life (and probably thinks I am

Sparklefizz has hit the nail on the head when she said your husband is a alpha male who worked in the city of London, used to bossing people around, now he only has you to boss around at home. He is not going to change.

If it were me, I encourage him to volunteer, perhaps as a treasurer for a charity or non profit organisation.

With 7 rooms in your house, there is plenty of rooms for you to ‘hide’ – choose one or two as your domain and spend a lot of time with your hobbies there away from your husband.

Keep having an independent life outside your home – meeting friends, exercise, join groups.

IMHO, a life as a divorcee at our age can be a very lonely life and if you were to go dating again, god knows what type of men you meet- probably much, much worse than your husband.

Nonsense. Some of us have had no choice in the matter. Our partners died and we now live alone. I have lived alone for 20 years since being widowed and manage just fine.

And who says anyone has to go dating? Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle.

You are advocating that OP stays with a controlling man, hiding out in spare rooms because there are worse men out there???

There is nothing wrong with living alone and people shouldn’t be afraid of it.

Silverbrooks 👏
I’m heading for three years since my husband died. It’s not easy but I’m living the best life I can. I ve absolutely zero interest in men, other than my friends

Thanks for the relies, I agree with @SporeRB & @Sparklefizz I don’t want a divorce at my age and TBH DH would be devasted - he just would not know what had hit him, he really wouldn't! Also we have a nice family with the four children (they all get on well) and two grandchildren who we live close too and we babysit and they help DH mellow as only small children can!! . When we are out things are fine – we socialise quite a lot and I do have friends who I got to the theatre with though a lot are wives of DH’s work colleagues but even so I have some long term friends and DH doesn't mind me seeing them.

When I posted on MN other women suggested volunteering and NGOs and various things but DH isn’t that interested and says he wants to enjoy his retirement and not commit to anything. (he plays a lot of golf). The thing we did take up was auctioneering. He likes collecting books and other antiquities. He used to have a huge Ian Fleming collection. I quite enjoy that too and we often stay over in a hotel if its not near, so that’s good. Our 24 year living at home is a pain (he dropped out of Uni) as he winds DH up (one thing DH has got is a very strong work effort!!). Most of the times things are fine but you’d be surprised even in a seven bed house we get under each others feet!! Unfortunate he doesn’t like gardening.

Hello Char and welcome to GN.

This is a difficult one isn't it because your H has now retired, what you once found 'doable' is no longer the case.

35 years married is a long time and for him, his role as alpha male has never been a source of discontent for you, but
now it is.

There's no doubt in my mind that your H is controlling and as has been said, now he's retired you are the only one he can continue to control.

When we can't change someone else's behaviour, the only thing we can change is our reaction to it. You know that if you disagree it ends up with an argument which can go on for days, but forewarned is forearmed. You can mentally prepare yourself because you know this will happen, but he wont be prepared for you digging your heels in and refusing to apologise because you always do.

He will think everything in the garden is rosy because you've never indicated that it isn't so TBF, if you want him to know how you feel you need to tell him.

I'm assuming that when you say he makes you change your clothes for example what you mean is he comments, so you go and get changed. This would be a good place to start; don't do it.

You say he's a good man at heart and you clearly love him so give him the opportunity to change the behaviour that bothers you.

If he wont, then maybe you'll have to think again .

Sounds like it is not that bad, life is comfortable without financial worries. You have family, shared interests, so try to stand up for yourself a bit more and make a life for yourself .

It’s up to him what he does. Surprised he isn’t on a lot of boards which woukd take up his time, but the auction interest is something at least you can share.

As an afterthought I didn’t think in a 7 bed house it’s possible to still get under each other’s feet.

I agree with smileless’ advice.

Exactly, Iam64. It isn’t always easy but nobody should stay with someone controlling for fear of being alone. I was with my darling man for 34 years but have built a new life on my own. Now it’s second nature.

I have no idea what you want OP. It’s turning into look how wonderful my wealthy life is in my seven bedroomed house but I am still unhappy sometimes. Frankly, you both sound materialistic and wanting to control one another. Why are you suggesting he finds occupation? If you are happy to walk on eggshells around him then so be it.

Yes, exactly that, he really does think he has been the perfect huband/provider
BUT HE HAS you reaped the benefits for 35 years if you didn’t want to have all the rich trimmings you would have got out years ago, but you ve loved the life , the rich perks, the lovely holidays the 7 bedroomed house, the not having to work , the well provided for children He’s has given you ALL that but now he’s around it’s not so much fun
You ve accepted all his faults for 35 years because it suited you I really can’t believe I m reading this
I think you should volunteer with the homeless or broken get you out the house and his control and you might appreciate what his domineering controlling maleness has given you

petra

LOUISA1523

Google coercive and controlling abuse .....and ask yourself if thats what you would want for your DDs

This isn’t coercive control. For many years the OP was free to to go out, see friends and family, her own bank account, no one checking up on her as to where she was, who has she spoken to.
Speak to my friend who was a victim.
For years she always had to sit in a seat facing the wall when her and her abuser went out to eat. That’s just one tiny rule she had to obey.

From what the OP says I wouldn't think it amounts to coercive control, either, but the OP does seem as if she has been rather submissive over the tears but enjoying her life as the wife of a wealthy, driven man.

Now he's retired he has no-one to manage except his wife!
I did find DH, having managed teams of people, thought he could suggest to me how to do things after he retired but I disbursed him of thst notion.

He'd never tell me what to wear though. He has no colour wen at all!

The thing is if I stand up to him and argue we can be at loggerheads for days so I tend to just do what he wants and back down and say sorry even if its not my fault – I’ve always been like that.
You need to be assertive without being argumentative. Don't apologise (unless you are in the wrong of course) , just smile and say "we'll have to agree to differ".

Go out, join clubs, find friends. Discover the new you and see how it goes.

Terrible typos, sorry.