Married nearly 35 years Help!

Well put not spaghetti.
He’s adjusting.

Perhaps have a chat about how you feel? I hate chats, but needs must.

Yes. And be prepared to listen, too.
He might be quite astonished to think you're not content if you have lived this way for 35 years.

Char65 Look I'm NOT abused. confused The relationship isn't one of coercive control or any sort of control. Its as others have said more the fact he had a good job and and I was a SAHM with an allowance and he made decisions.

I understood what you posted. I'd only question him why any adult would tell another adult to change clothing - rude behaviour.

I'm a SAHperson, but I certainly don't receive an allowance. I have full access to all our funds as does he. It appears your husband has rectified that annoying childlike allowance bit.

Perhaps have a chat about how you feel? I hate chats, but needs must.

The OP is saying this is not coercive control nor any form of domestic abuse. I believe her and am astounded that so many posts are telling her what she should be, do and feel! Life is not a zero sum game, nothing is all tbis or all that. Life and relationships are nuanced, layeted and textured. What's more- life changes, people change, circumstances change. We sll might have dome perspective but none of us are Char65. So let Char65 make up her own mind without challenging her assessment of her own marriage!

Char I think the advice to try out being a bit more "you" is helpful.
"I actually really like this outfit - I would like you to support me in my clothes choises because it's lovely to have you on-side".

The conversation about adjustments is useful as although he's been retired a while now - you are not really retired, are you.....
Maybe that's a good place to start?
Talking about how you envisage the best future together (as you are coming towards retirement?)...

Just to clarify, when DH was working he paid me an allowance but when he retired he made sure we had a joint account just in case anything happened to him so I could access his finances so he is quite thoughtful like that and plans ahead as I say i have a pension in my name which he paid into.

Just start being more quietly assertive.

Some men find retirement very difficult; your life could carry on much the same but he has to make huge adjustments so you need to find a new way forward, either finding interests together or pursuing your own interests. Or both, which we did.

Look I'm NOT abused. The relationship isn't one of coercive control or any sort of control. Its as others have said more the fact he had a good job and and I was a SAHM with an allowance and he made decisions. i would say the relationship was more more old fashioned and traditional more than anyhting else. The issues are about compatability (do we have much in common [smile} and adaptions to retriement. I'm certainly not scared of him and sorry if that's how it sounded, its more about me not liking rows and upset as I remember that as a child with my parents and I've always tried to shield the children form that. TBF to him he's not one to shout or argue really but he is very fixed in his ways and yes he does come across stern which is why I said he was like a headmaster @m0nica knows what I mean as she's written about her dad here and the army.

I guess he did mould me to an extent but I was only 25 but as others have said I went along with it and can't complaint too much. I have read different things over the years and spoken to women in 'difficult' marriages and I'd say mine isn't too bad on the whole. I've always kind of done what and want and with the children too. I think I used the phrase been a allowed as sometimes i do feel guilty for not working and paying in but TBF to DH he's never said 'oh its my money' or anything like that and he's paid into a pension for me and we have a joint account so on those measure alone I would say there's no control as no the financial side can be a way women are controlled. Not true in my case, not at all. So for me it is just about those 2 issues one can't do much about now the other I can.

"Sorry, dear, I must go and get a hearing check".

Your bossy husband tells you to do one thing and you want to do another.

You could do your thing your way and when he objected say mildly " I forgot". The if he berates you for forgetting agree with everything he says, and then conveniently forget that too.

As I said, my father was in the army and used to being in charge and would instinctively have acted as such in the home, but my mother stopped it early on. The OP didn't, so she faces an uphill struggle now. But the solution remains the same. stop complying, but avoid arguments.

Ditto my father and then my husband.
They did learn pdq that they didn't marry a Naval subordinate!

Start as you mean to go on, but if you accept the status quo, the changes later on may cause a rocky patch (or not).

Only the OP can make these changes. It's up to her.

On this thread I am faced with the solution the old Irishman gave when asked directions to somewhere far distance. 'If I was you I wouldn't start from here' (I am Irish, I can tell Irish jokes)

Were the OP newly married, and asking the question I would tell her, not to argue with her DH, but just to ignore him and quietly assert her right to be herself and live her own life, with the usual compromises that usually happen between two people when they start to share housekeeping.

Thirty five years down the line, the advice is the same, it is just she shouldn't really be starting from where she is now.

Her husband has taken control and run everything, including her, not I suspect because he is in anyway oppressive or abusive by nature, but because he is used to being in charge at work, and has just carried it over the threshold into the home and she has done nothing to oppose him. As I said, my father was in the army and used to being in charge and would instinctively have acted as such in the home, but my mother stopped it early on. The OP didn't, so she faces an uphill struggle now. But the solution remains the same. stop complying, but avoid arguments.

I think I maybe starting to get this a little now (although I'm still struggling with the antique books, the home gym thing etc).
I think OP has been surrounded by the trappings of a shallow life- not even her life really as she chose at some point to enter into this subservient marital arrangement. I think this shallow attitude is reflected in the need to mention all the 'things' she has. I suspect there are many people who consider these important, maybe even more important, that looking at what may be inside.
'Never mind my husband's a b****d, look at what he gives me!' kind of attitude.

Now she has to confront a massive change but has nowhere to go because more 'stuff' won't make any difference now. She has some choices to make and I see these as:

Carry on the same- OP says she doesn't want this although I suspect she may in fact settle for more of the same because change is very challenging.

Make slow and gradual changes. She says DH won't change but no one knows if this is true- if she begins to make these changes she may find the power shift occuring and I feel that would be the best outcome. They need to see each other as people and not units of commerce.

Or... be truly radical and leave. I don't think OP really wants this- I think she lacks the confidence in bringing about some sort of compromise here, but it can happen.

Despite my dismissal of the shallow lifestyle I think there may be a chance they could both grow from this, but whether they are even able to do this after a lifetime of 'showing off' I'm not sure...

I just do not “get” OP’s “dread” of the future or indeed what she is complaining about.
No I am not a cold- hearted b*tch, but come on, there is no need to over react, to LTB or run for the hills.
OP won’t be the first middle class woman to say “I may have married him fo better or for worse, but not for lunch “
Pack him off to the Golf Club or encourage him to buy a soft top car or whatever or indeed maybe a Harley-Davidson and carry on with your life.
Judging by Peter Jones, Harvey Nicks or Selfridges, you won’t be the only woman to have found her own life.
Keep calm and carry on (shopping)

I am very surprised at some of the responses which suggest that OP should accept this situation as the price she must pay for living a materially comfortable life. Maybe it’s a generational thing. My mother would have thought like that. He puts food on the table … after she had suffered yet another verbal onslaught from her partner (not my father).

Look at what OP has written:

DH gave me an allowance
I was obedient
what he said held sway
he let me get on with my own life as as long as I ran the house and looked after the kids and looked nice
DH didn’t complaint as long as the house was peaceful, tidy and I didn’t argue with him and was around when needed
sometimes he’ll make me change my clothes if he doesn’t like what I’m wearing (he hates me looking a ‘mess’ as he calls it!)
if I stand up to him and argue we can be at loggerheads for days so I tend to just do what he wants and back down and say sorry even if its not my fault
its no good talking to him as he just gets shirty and annoyed
I feel I’m treading on eggshells around him.
I feel if he is the headteacher and I’m the pupil!
he moulded me into the type of wife he wanted
he can see no reason at all why I'm not very happy with my lot in life
^ I have some long term friends and DH doesn't mind me seeing them.^

when I look ahead it is with a feeling of dread

OP has been putting up with this man’s controlling behaviour for 35 years because that’s what victim ground down by bullies do - until someone gives them permission to do something about it.

A number of people say this isn’t controlling or coercive behaviour (CCB). As OP has described, it may not meet the threshold for prosecution under Section 76 Serious Crime Act 2015 but it is still CCB.

This is what the CPS say CCB is:

•A repeatedly or continuously engages in behaviour towards another person, B, that is controlling or coercive
•at the time of the behaviour, A and B are personally connected
•the behaviour has a serious effect on B, and
•A knows or ought to know that the behaviour will have a serious effect on B

When OP says: when I look ahead it is with a feeling of dread surely that means his behavour is having a serious effect on her.

I would urge OP to read this, particularly the explanatory paragraphs and consider them in the context of what this man has done over the years:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

… prosecutors should be aware that a suspect will often tailor the conduct to the victim, and this conduct can vary to a high degree from one person to the next.

There might be confusion about where the ‘appropriate’ dynamic of a relationship ends and where unlawful behaviour begins. One way of considering this is describe byThe College of Policing Authorised Professional Practice on Domestic Abusewhich sets out that: “In many relationships, there are occasions when one person makes a decision on behalf of another, or when one partner takes control of a situation and the other has to compromise. The difference in an abusive relationship is that decisions by a dominant partner can become rules that, when broken, lead to consequences for the victim.”

The questions OP needs to ask are: What do I do if I need more money? Do I have free access to a bank account or do I have to ask for more? What does he do when I’m not obedient? What does he do if I won’t change my clothes? What does he do if the house isn’t peaceful and tidy? and so on.

If you are complying through fear of his reaction, you are living under coercive control.

OP. I can tell from your responses that you aren’t going to do anything to change the status quo. Sometimes it’s not so good but that’s part and parcel. That’s my mother talking about the 40 years of domestic abuse she put up with until she died, a shadow of the feisty, confident women I had known as a child and teenager before she met the bully who became her partner and slowly ground her down into submission.

I’d have dumped your husband’s golf bag and his book collection on the pavement and changed the locks years ago.

Thanks for the replies (again!) I trend to agree a lot with @Franski. Look, there is always 2 sides to a story and if you asked DH he would say I still do too much for the children and we often babysit the GC’s which he likes). That’s true, so there’s adjustments both sides, yes, need to do more, we are members of Nation Trust and English Heritage and do go out a lot.
@Bluebell I don’t entitle disagree with what you say – when I married I didn’t really have many friends (I was bullied at school and in work) and I liked being a SAHM and loved, loved, loved having the children and the fact I didn’t have to worry about money and could spend a lot of time with them. Although I’ve had more female friends as I have gotten older I’ve never been ‘popular’ with other women lets say, so yes, I liked it, being at home, cooking, looking after the house and children and of course DH was at work a lot which I didn’t mind, so it is about adjutsments. Last time we discovered the auctioneering, which DH loves as he really likes collecting especially rare books so maybe we need something else too? We have a gym I one of the bedrooms so we both keep fit and enjoy walking and the countryside. When we go out things are fine, its just in the house…. Sometimes it’s not so good but that’s part and parcel. Obvioulsy the children love their dad (though questionable with the younger one at times!! ) and as I sid in the OP we’re not going to divorce for all his ‘faults’ DH is very faithful and loyal unlike some men. thanks again, I'm slowly making my way through each reply but can see finding interests is the most common thing which agree on.

Allsorts I totally agree She fell into the title of doormat because everything he gave her suited her and because he
was nt around much to annoy her
There a price to pay for everything You can’t have a magnificent rich life and then complain about the provider The time to complain was when she was a young wife with him setting down the rules but no she happily went along with it for the riches
I have little compassion for this story, she accepted everything 35 years ago, she took everything he gave, now he’s the baddy

Get out and do some good with your riches lady it’s not too late and would keep you away from this rich ‘controlling’ man
(who sounds pretty horrible)

Sorry, you had the life you wanted for many years. You won't leave as all the things you value he provided so if you are bored find things to do or volunteer.

Char, welcome and thanks for your last post. It's good to know that posters follow up by reading replies and taking them into consideration.

Although my marriage and financial situation is nothing like yours, every relationship is a partnership with roles taken and fulfilled.

I think now that your DH is retired, you need to communicate with him that although he was a successful businessman, he needs to let you continue to be a successful housekeeper; he is impeding in your territory and areas of expertise. Lay it out like a business plan so he can empathise.

I do fear that some men get grumpier and more opinionated as they age; they don't hold back opinions from family like they would with colleagues, and unfortunately the wives take the brunt of it. Once again it comes down to communication. You really need to let him know that you won't be treated like a subordinate in your own domain which you have run successfully for 35 years.

Chin up, or elbows up like us Canadians like to say.

when I look ahead it is with a feeling of dread.

I wondered about this.
Seriously, what is it that you fear, Char65?

I would say that most long term marriages are a compromise of some kind or other
Franski 👏👏👏

This - in a nutshell.
However, you both have to compromise.

And, as 25Avalon suggests You need to get him out of the house for a while
This is what I suggested when DH was moping around after retirement - then he joined everything! 😀
So did I, but different clubs and activities.
Art classes are very therapeutic.

Then you'll both have something to chat about too.

the post before mine seems the best to me. I assumed this is how all rich people's marriages are, given he is the breadwinner. You keep slim, to keep him charmed so he keeps you and etc. Not sure what else could be said

It is astonishing that you have never been a feminist but now suddenly are. The other thing is the head master and school girl thing - WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT.

Hi Char and welcome to GN. Yours is a really interesting post. And honestly the situation is typical of many of our parents' generation. Traditional male breadwinner providing for his family. Attractive groomed wife and lovely home. I think a bit more unusual for our (feminist) generation but not that uncommon. I would say that most long term marriages are a compromise of some kind or other. You have had a comfortable life with a man who has expectations of you which you have fairly happily met. Honestly i think that is true of me and most of my friends. I stay fairly trim and fit mostly bc my DH likes that. Same for me, i nag him a bit to keep his paunch at bay. It works and we enjoy our life together. An imperfect marriage in an imperfect world. In general i think a score of 7/10 for anything is good enough! Is your situation good enough? It sounds like it, with a few tweaks.now that he's retired. Try and do a few more things on your own where you can let go a bit and find a bit more reckless freedom...maybe some kind of creative hobby or new outlet. Cultivate female friendships and laugh more. Your sex life is good..perhaps make it better. Find new avenues of closeness and intimacy with your DH. Believe that you can bring freshness into your marriage. Good luck!

Well done you for reflecting on your future.