Married nearly 35 years Help!

To clarify i have decided to just accept the situation as is.

Thanks I am following the advice on here. I think I have some sort of peace with myself so thanks everyone.

Retired husband syndrome is a known idea and apparently it's common in Japan!
It is a big change. My DH has just retired at the age of 81 so after 50 years of working long hours he's around all the time.
So my motto atm is adapt and plan.
So best wishes to you!!

This isn't me I was quoting someone else, sorry I'm not very good at this

Char65

Yes this is the issue

What constitutes "unreasonable behaviour" may be subjective and given that OP has seemed content enough with conditions over the last 35 years, why should this come up just now?
Except
1) the children have flown the nest
2)OP has lost her sense of purpose
3) her DH has similarly lost his role as "breadwinner " and his status from his professional life
4) they are faced with just each other - he thinks this is great, lots of time to do things together. She, not so much.

Why are you talking in the 3rd person in this post 🤷‍♀️

Thanks Emmy0A for your kind thoughts, I've not been on this for a bit as I always go to Wimbledon mostly in the first week at least with some friends. Taken in the round things are not so bad and I agree I do have a pretty good life but there are things I could say but wont. He's not so bad (in small doses!) I just get on with it. Thanks again.

I really don't know what you are asking?
Are you happy or unhappy?
It's so difficult to advise when you are constantly saying you're unhappy with things but then make excuses for his behaviour.

Your story resonates deeply. It sounds like you've built a life full of beautiful moments—a loving family, adventures abroad, and a shared history. But it's also clear that you've carried the burden of your husband's expectations for a long time, and that retirement has widened the gap between you.

It's okay to acknowledge that love and frustration can coexist. You admire him, cherish your years together, and even enjoy intimacy—yet you feel like you're holding back to keep the peace. Do you feel this "caution"? It's a sign that your needs matter, too.

Some kind thoughts:
- Your voice matters. Marriage isn't about one person's rules. Even small boundaries ("I'll wear whatever I choose today") can restore your sense of self.
- This isn't "the situation." Calm wives don't owe their strict husbands constant compliance. Your daughter's observation speaks volumes.

- *Think about support.* A therapist (even if alone) can help you express these feelings without confrontation. You deserve space to be you, not just his "wife."

You're not alone in this. Many of us struggle with roles we've outgrown. Whatever your decision, honor that quiet part of you that longs to breathe freely.

Sending you strength, and congratulations on your 35th wedding anniversary! Even complicated love is a milestone. 💛

Good ideas SporeRB

Does the suggestion of brainstorming philanthropy ideas spark anything? You will surely find something close to your heart where you could make a difference. No need to leave your husband out of the loop, but you may choose this just for yourself.

Thanks for the messages I'm take a look at the book which sounds interesting. I do blow hot and cold on all this I must admit and need to sort myself out.

The way I see it, the solutions to your problems lie in your own hands.

If you want to be less of a door mat in your marriage, you can sign up to assertiveness courses for women.

If you do not want to become joined at the hip with your husband, you can sign up to exercise classes or craft classes for women, then he cannot join you and you can have the time to yourself.

If you feel the reason you are unhappy and lost is because you lost the roles you had for the last 35 years ie that of a stay-at-home mother and accessory to your husband’s banking? career as a trophy wife, then you need to carve a new role for yourself. How about becoming a philanthropist?

If you did all the above and still do not know whether you should stay or leave, there is a book titled: “Too good to leave, too bad to stay” which may be of interest to you.

Char65

Yes this is the issue

What constitutes "unreasonable behaviour" may be subjective and given that OP has seemed content enough with conditions over the last 35 years, why should this come up just now?
Except
1) the children have flown the nest
2)OP has lost her sense of purpose
3) her DH has similarly lost his role as "breadwinner " and his status from his professional life
4) they are faced with just each other - he thinks this is great, lots of time to do things together. She, not so much.

This is beginning t remind me of that old Prudential advert 😂

www.google.com/search?q=we+want+tonbe+together+prudential&oq=we+want+tonbe+together+prudential&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCTExMTQwajBqN6gCCbACAQ&client=tablet-android-samsung-nf-rev1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#vhid=kbP2-pjqRfC7UM&vssid=_CgtcaJrXJ_GChbIPq7-Y8Qw_66

Ps you're not the only one whose DH worked away and had to get on with all the home responsibilities, although I admit to not having a cleaner, gardener, and I did manage to go back to work too, after a few years!

BlueBelle

Char65

Freshair

She's still in her prime and could have 30 years of life left to put up with a man who tells her what to wear, treats her like a child and revels in his grumpiness because he's been used to her meeting his every need without complaining. It's all very well giving out advice about how she should manage living like that while she's still in her prime but her pleasures are softer and more wholesome and she should be able to express her needs when she has been the homemaker for so long and is never off duty.

Thanks you Freshair AI or not you sum my situation up very nicely

Of course she does Char you couldn’t have put it better yourself 🤣
‘Never off duty’ , gosh what was the duty at Ascot and the birthday celebrations and the holidays and the auctions Tough life

Admittedly not so tough now but was tougher when the children were young - I know that's hard for you to believe - now its more about the marriage than my day to day life being in anyway tough - which I accept it isn't.

Char65

Freshair

She's still in her prime and could have 30 years of life left to put up with a man who tells her what to wear, treats her like a child and revels in his grumpiness because he's been used to her meeting his every need without complaining. It's all very well giving out advice about how she should manage living like that while she's still in her prime but her pleasures are softer and more wholesome and she should be able to express her needs when she has been the homemaker for so long and is never off duty.

Thanks you Freshair AI or not you sum my situation up very nicely

Of course she does Char you couldn’t have put it better yourself 🤣
‘Never off duty’ , gosh what was the duty at Ascot and the birthday celebrations and the holidays and the auctions Tough life

Freshair

She's still in her prime and could have 30 years of life left to put up with a man who tells her what to wear, treats her like a child and revels in his grumpiness because he's been used to her meeting his every need without complaining. It's all very well giving out advice about how she should manage living like that while she's still in her prime but her pleasures are softer and more wholesome and she should be able to express her needs when she has been the homemaker for so long and is never off duty.

Thanks you Freshair AI or not you sum my situation up very nicely

Yes this is the issue

What constitutes "unreasonable behaviour" may be subjective and given that OP has seemed content enough with conditions over the last 35 years, why should this come up just now?
Except
1) the children have flown the nest
2)OP has lost her sense of purpose
3) her DH has similarly lost his role as "breadwinner " and his status from his professional life
4) they are faced with just each other - he thinks this is great, lots of time to do things together. She, not so much.

Freshair

She's still in her prime and could have 30 years of life left to put up with a man who tells her what to wear, treats her like a child and revels in his grumpiness because he's been used to her meeting his every need without complaining. It's all very well giving out advice about how she should manage living like that while she's still in her prime but her pleasures are softer and more wholesome and she should be able to express her needs when she has been the homemaker for so long and is never off duty.

While I am the first to wish anybody long life and happiness - OP is perhaps unlikely to face another 30 years with a man already in his 70’s. But who knows?
but her pleasures are softer and more wholesome

What???
and she should be able to express her needs etc etc- I think there have been more than a few suggestions of ways of working at assertiveness. But I do wonder at the suggestion of
softer and more wholesome pleasures - whatever is “unwholesome” about eg the National Trust?

BlueBelle

*Freshair * you sound like A1

I am not

Freshair you sound like A1

She's still in her prime and could have 30 years of life left to put up with a man who tells her what to wear, treats her like a child and revels in his grumpiness because he's been used to her meeting his every need without complaining. It's all very well giving out advice about how she should manage living like that while she's still in her prime but her pleasures are softer and more wholesome and she should be able to express her needs when she has been the homemaker for so long and is never off duty.

👏👏👏

Freshair

Alpha male without a job = hell ! Controlling, never apologising and getting older and uglier. You have to have more patience but accept he'll make you feel more meek as the years pass, until of course he's dribbling down his front and then you'll get some control of your own life

What a bitter twisted and sickening post. Those of us who love or loved our life partners may sometimes have thought them old gits but OUR old gits.
Who's to say it's not going to be you dribbling down your front- I hope somebody will love you more then than you seem willing to love now.

Oh, fgs!!

Alpha male without a job = hell ! Controlling, never apologising and getting older and uglier. You have to have more patience but accept he'll make you feel more meek as the years pass, until of course he's dribbling down his front and then you'll get some control of your own life