When to give up looking.

I was looking for Mr Right (with a view to marriage) when I was younger and can't say I didn't give it my best shot trying. I think it was distinctly disillusioning to have had that first relationship I had (you might well have heard of his family's surname - suffice it to say he was from a country where I'd have had to go in for cover-up type dressing, been lucky if I wasnt expected to walk several paces behind him, etc, etc). Luckily I had the sense to chuck him or I'd have been boiling my arse off in Qatar and expected to regard myself as "second best" for being a woman.

I then had quite a variety of boyfriends - a few of whom were serious about me and I am still friends with the mother of the nicest of them to this day. There was a point where I had a little bit of a running joke going in my head of "One in hand and several on the waiting list" about men. So you can't say I didn't try LOL.

But my looks started to go (I wasn't a beauty - but I knew how to be attractive) and I found my choices were "closing down". Also we'd got to an era where some men expected to be "in the running" for women with more to offer one way or another than they themselves had - eg lower intelligence/lower looks level/it would have been very difficult to have less money than me (as I was always low-paid). That's not fun to have perfectly normal reasonable expectations - that you've not got any chance of paying for on your own.....but if you had a husband = you would have "your" standard of living....sighs.

When I moved to Wales I did wonder a bit about a couple of men in the "circle" I encountered - but it didn't take long before women were telling me that in this area a lot of men expect to have relationships with women who have "more" than them. I took a good look around - and they were right. I start running out of fingers when counting "She owns a house...he doesnt. She's intelligent - he's only average, if that. She's nice - he's got the manners of a warthog". I can instantly think of 3 women I know personally that had a man latch onto them and they have a house/he doesnt, they're nice and he isnt etc etc and the man concerned seemed to have no idea he hadn't got nearly as much going for him as the woman and even thought it was okay to play around with other women. I can think of one of these men who married first one woman with a house, then my friend with her house (which he tried to steal some of when he left her for his mistress - after he'd already stolen a lot of money off her), now living with his affair in her house and he's late 60's, a "warthog", pretty dim.....he just figures out how to smarm off a "better than him/more money than him" woman instead of trying to do anything/be anything for himself. Not surprisingly - his reaction to spotting me anywhere is to try and hide from me....

Even a man I was introduced to as suitable that I could pay him for odd jobs, etc, and he soon made himself out to be a friend to me as well and I thought he was - and then I started getting suspicions...until it culminated in certainty when he tried to set me up to steal money from me!!!! The second I realised that = he was history within the hour and I warn people he's a thief (which also makes him very stupid - as this is a small town with quite a "community grapevine").

So - nope. That was about that basically in my 50's and the thought - very occasionally - crosses my mind it would be nice to have someone nice - but then I shrug and think "I'm not even sure whether I believe in a soulmate any longer - but, if there is such a thing, then I'll meet him in Heaven after I'm dead". I shrug again and think "At my age - we're not talking about forever. We're talking around about 10 years time for that. That's not so long......I'll stick it out on my own until then". So yep...that's it in a nutshell = "Not much longer to live on Earth and I don't want to be used as a nurse or a purse.....so on my own it is".

After 2 marriages that ended painfully, I do not need a man to make me feel whole again as the OP suggests. Happiness is what you make it. Men not necessary.

My dad died in his fifties and my old mum was just in her early fifties so my older sister and I would often tell her that if she wanted to find somebody else good luck to her, we wouldn’t say anything about it. But at this she would just purse her lips then say ‘if I want companionship I’ll get another dog’.
And that was that.

I am personally not interested in ever being in a romantic relationship again.

I have struggled with my mental health throughout my life and have ended up in very unhelpful and inappropriate relationships which helped nobody - myself, my partner or most importantly my children.

So now I try to make the best of things alone.

A friend of mine found a male friend who had a job and his own house. They became firm friends and enjoyed going out to events, concerts, holidays, cruises etc together, but not marriage- no way, not even living together. Very sensible.

I am very happy with my DH. We have been married 57 years and the longer it lasts the better.

But

I have never felt the need for a partner. I am a very self-sufficient person, quite happy on my own. I as fortunate that DH's employment took him from a home a lot, often for indeterminate lengths of time. people used to feel sorry for me, but I was quite content.

Now DH is retired things were a bit more diffucult for a while without the absences, but we have adjusted. At this moment I am alone in the study using my computer and he is elsewhere doing someting else. We will see each other at tea time.

I would rather be with DH than without him, but without him I would not be looking for replacement. That would be rather demeaning to him. It is him I want to be with, not anyone else.

That evening sounds perfect! Solo date night! All the fun but none of the drama of dating.

I'm 67 and find that I too have lost interest. Using the term "giving up" sounds kind of like we've been defeated. I prefer to think of it as I simply don't want to deal with the worry and hassle of dating anymore. Looking back none of them were al that great, not a head spinner in the entire lot! LOL

I couldn't be bothered with it all. You just end up being a nurse or a purse. I knew two ladies, one a close friend, married again after husbands died, sadly, complete disasters.

gigi1958

I'm 67 and find that I too have lost interest. Using the term "giving up" sounds kind of like we've been defeated. I prefer to think of it as I simply don't want to deal with the worry and hassle of dating anymore. Looking back none of them were al that great, not a head spinner in the entire lot! LOL

I can understand that.

Looking back - and I certainly didn't go short of boyfriends back along and many of them were pretty good-looking too (now that I couldnt miss - as I'd looked at them and thought "Hmm...fancy him" in the first place). There were ones that were highly intelligent. There were ones with plenty of money.

But I can only really understand what I saw in just one of them - and he was too different to me and I didn't love him. He was good-looking, a very nice person, faithful, I got on very well with his family (still friends with them to this day), hard-working. I'm a Capricorn and a product of the 1970s and the two together meant it became clear I thought his job was not right (very low-level and low-paid) and I knew he was intelligent enough/hard-working enough to have much better than that - and he did duly start "working his way upward" and has now had a managerial level job in a caring type of career in just the field I told him I thought he was right for - ie "something to do with children" (after having got himself a degree belatedly - via the Open University) for some time. Yep....he's noticeably younger than me...hence still working.

He is indeed the only one I can understand why I was interested in - out of all of them. The rest = it totally escapes me what I saw in them - other than most of them were good-looking. As for the one who it turned out had LOADS and LOADS (and yet more LOADS) of money - it went totally straight over my head that he did and I was totally oblivious of it and I chucked him anyway and thank goodness I did. It pretty much escaped my attention that a couple of the others were also very well-off (I can see in hindsight that money was something I was pretty oblivious to). But money wasn't the priority to me anyway...and there was the (rather naive in hindsight I can see) thought of "I'm middle-class and not daft - why would I have money problems going on for long?" - but I did and they lasted for decades! I still wouldnt have married for money - even if I'd realised just how difficult it would be for me as a single person to get what I'd taken for granted I'd have and I didnt click for one minute I'd have to wait until into my 30's to own a starter house or my 60's (and a move to a cheaper area) before I had a detached house. But I would still have stayed single and resolutely waited for Mr Right - even if I'd known just how poor I'd be and just how hardworking and resourceful etc etc I'd have to learn to be and yep realise I did have a useful "added extra" (ie helpful intuitive flashes occasionally) and learn to use that to help myself - as I'd realised that logic alone wasnt providing enough....

BlueBelle

My last partner was removed from my life by me 27 years ago I have no interest or need to spoil my nice peaceful life with another

On first reading that I thought you were saying you’d done him in! Visions of patio and a spade…

Milsa

Few things: you have never had a committed relationship and you think a man makes you whole and happy. At this age you'd better do some self digging because the lenses of your mindset are very skewed

What a very unkind and insensitive post! There are ways of saying things that aren’t so blunt. You are extremely rude!

My mother was widowed at 71. She had been married to my dad for 51 years. She was the type of person who hated to be on her own.

A couple of years later she met a man through a friend and it was an absolute disaster. I think she liked him because he looked a bit like my dad. He was the same age as my mum, not younger.

It turned out that he was only after her money. She didn't have any money but she owned her bungalow and had a decent private pension. He sold his own house and put the money from it in his bank account. He moved in with my mum. My mum carried on paying all of the bills. She paid for holidays for them both.

I am an only child and was living overseas at the time but I didn't trust his motives based on what my mum told me.

They got married (wedding paid for by my mum) even though me and my mum's friends advised her against it.

It later became apparent that my mum was in the early stages of dementia. He was managing her tablets for her and I am sure he was giving her too many as she seemed confused and upset most of the time. We came back from overseas and I was shocked when I saw my mum. She had lost loads of weight as he had 'banned' her from eating biscuits etc. She had a very sweet tooth. He was totally controlling her.

Long story short, after a few attempts we persuaded her to leave him as it became more apparent that she had dementia and he was taking advantage of this and ill treating her. He ended up staying in the bungalow. Fortunately, my mum had changed her will after my dad died leaving everything to me. Her 'husband' was insistent that he should inherit her bungalow. His constant refrain was, 'I want the bungalow'. He was obsessed with money. He had set up a direct debit from my mum's account to his every month. He did not need the money.

He eventually ended up in a care home and I got the bungalow back. It was completely trashed and it took us ages to get it decent again. My mum was always very houseproud.

It wasn't really about the money for me, it was the principle. My dad would have spun in his grave if had known what had happened.

Personally, if I was widowed it would be nice to have a companion to go to the cinema etc. with but I would never live with a man again.

Hoping for some advice please
My son (30) is engaged to a young lady who I believe is uncomfortable around me and my other 2 girls who are 18 & 21 .
We all seemed to get along and still do
“ seem “ to get along when my son and his fiancée come to my place dinner & celebrations .
My son has been engaged for 6 months . They have been dating since 2022 .
Strange thing is I had never met her parents till just last summer (2024) almost 1 .5 years in. I assumed they were introverts and didn’t think much of it .
I was in a newer relationship with someone and had my other two kids to look after & a job .
The parents live 2 hours away from me & they commuted between a cottage and their home in another province for work (2 hour drive between the residences ) .
So I assumed they were busy people with work and life etc…
No mention of meeting the parents was mentioned to me even though they stayed at my son’s apartment that he shared with his fiancée . I didn’t know they were in town at these time or I would have suggested we meet for a coffee to introduce ourselves .
The first time I met them I was invited to help clean out the apartment my son was living in . Sounds fun huh ?
If I had not been available that day I wouldn’t have met the parents .
They seemed cordial but uncomfortable.
Not what I expected as their daughter seems outgoing and friendly .
Upon a second meeting a month later , they seemed quiet & uncomfortable .
So much that I couldn’t wait to get out of the gathering .
I reached out to my ex husband whom I remained friends with ( my son’s father ) and asked him if he had met her parents and if there was anything I should know about.
He said yes he met them & went out to dinner with his current GF and the parents & the kids multiple times & had been invited to their cottage over a wknd for a visit .
I was so hurt upon hearing this . I felt like I had the plague .
I have never been invited to their cottage which is now their full time home as they are retired . And I was never formally invited to meet her parents .
I feel like I have gone out of my way to help my son & his fiancée . I housed them when they were in between their new house ( 1 month ) & again when they subletted and were out of a place for a few weeks . I stored their belongs in my basement .
Cooked meals as a family & gave them full reign of my house .
My son said he was happy to move close to my house as he said thought we would see each other more .
Since moving into their new house his fiancée has changed her tune a little & I don’t see myself being invited don unless I offer to cook dinner for them .

When my son is not around his fiancée makes snide comments like “ I can’t believe you have younger girls at your age “.
Snarky comments about my friends .
I was always caught off guard when hearing these remarks and didn’t know what to say back .

Recently she invited me to look for wedding dress with her bridesmaids and mother .
I felt like I should go although I had reservations at this point .
I went alone to the appointment as they travelled in one car together . It felt awkward from the start .
Dress shopping was successful , she found a beautiful dress that liked amazing on her .
As she finished up in the dressing room she comes out and says to me “ you can go now . I’m just going to pay for the dress.
You don’t have to stick around and wait “.
I was so shocked by the urgent need to get rid of me .
I then saw the next day that she had taken pictures with her mom & bridesmaids after I was ushered out .
I was & am hurt . She clearly has issues with me .
I was also told what commit to wear to the wedding & what to include in my toast to the bride .
At this point it’s all I can do to mind my business and bite my tongue .
I feel like I am losing my son and I feel like she’s wedging between myself and my girls .
I also fear for any future grandchildren & that I would be ostracized out of the picture .
My son is frequently at their cottage on wknds .
I don’t see myself or my daughters being invited into the circle by the way things have gone so far .
I’m afraid to cause drama before a wedding . I don’t want to be that person .
But I’m feeling like I’m being pushed out of my son’s life .
I was a single mom for most of my mom life and have always been close to
my son . This hurts 🥹

Long winded story … sorry but I’m at a loss … one piece of advice from a friend “ let them theory” ( Mel Robbins )
Easier said than done .
Advice ? Thanks in advance

This post really needs a thread of its own Gardener you are sort of hijacking lainieb56 story and may not get any answers

Oreo

Lathyrus3

I’m not sure I was ever actively looking for a partner, even when I was young. I just enjoyed the company of whoever came along - until I didn’t.

It was pretty much the same after I was widowed. Now I find that really a short time with any man is more than enough. They need so much attention and they don’t listen.🙄

Id really rather be reading my book or gardening.😬

They’re a bit like cats really 😁

....and they don't even make you laugh with their antics. At least cats do...

Never give up..,.

Gardener, what a very long post and nothing to do with the one you posted on unfortunately It needs its own thread. Your son has made his choice, his girl friend will be his wife and call the shots. Sad but true.

Gardener, what has your post got to do with what is being discussed?
Sorry, but I read it to the end thinking you would eventually get to the point being discussed. You didn’t. I had wasted my time
I mean this kindly, but next time, please make sure you’re in right place! Thanks.

^^Elowen33

A friend of mine met someone on a cruise when she was 70 and married him a couple of years later, she ended up as his carer so it doesn’t always work out later in life.

Always the danger of later life relationships. On the other hand you could have someone to look after you if you needed it.

AGAA4

Why do you need someone else to feel whole and happy?
I have been on my own for many years and content with my life. The last thing I would want would be another man now.

I know some women just don’t feel right or happy without a man. Must say, though, that if I no longer had my lovely dh, I’d never want another man.
A dog, OTOH…🐶❤️

Funny story, twice I was in terrible relationships, both times I got a dog and realized how bad those men were and broke up! Dogs give us balance and unconditional love, purpose and can make the best travel companion when you just want to travel. And they can show you what a great relationship is and prove to you that you don't' have to settle.