Younger partner and spending expectatiosn

OP judging by your previous threads re the way your adult children treated you
I think your bar for someone being caring is set quite low.
Most anyone would give a person a lift from a railway station if they could. Esp late at night.
You have endured or had to endure being treated badly for so long that it seems the norm.
This guy adds v little to your life.
Ditch him.
Concentrate on looking after yourself. Instead of having to fit in and scurry around people who do not really value you.
All the best.

FranA

Having a man around who can do all the household stuff you can’t do is really useful. I would try to hang onto that part of the relationship, especially since paying a professional for odd jobs can be expensive. Just eat out less and decline holidays. Cook him some meals at your place in exchange for him picking up the tab in restaurants. Not all relationships have to be for life. Do you want to marry this man in the longer term? If so you need him to stop pressuring you financially now. He won’t change later.

I would be greatly surprised if he sees the poster as a marriage partner given how selfish he is. Unless he wants to inherit her

JdotJ

Ditch him

Ditto

Ditch him

Is it mainly just this issue with the annual trip to Tenerife that bothers you? It sounds like there is a lot else that you enjoy doing together. Could you just reach an agreement that you don’t this specific holiday? Has he had a problem in previous relationships where he felt that he was taken advantage of? If I go somewhere with my daughter or with friends we use ‘settle up’ to make sure that we split everything we buy down the middle down to the last coffee. He might value the fact that you’re prepared to pay your way.
Finally, I wonder if for any reason he thinks that you are a bit better off than you claim? I’m not suggesting this is the case (although I do know a few people who claim to be very short of money but make spending decisions I would not make if I was genuinely short of money. I often think that they are not quite as hard up as they make out.) Perhaps he has encountered someone like this previously? Do you need to have a more frank and open conversation about about your individual financial situations?
This would all be quite a lot of work for you both, but you’ve invested five years in this relationship so far and only you can decide whether it’s worth making a bit of extra effort to get it onto a footing that’s going to make you comfortable.

Why do most of the Gransnetters think it is OK for a partner or friend to pay for you? I find it incredible and would never accept anyone paying for me, perhaps expect for a birthday treat. I would feel I owed them. I live within my means and pay my own way at all times. If I can't afford anything I don't have it. I do think OP feels a bit like that or am I wrong here?

He sounds rather mean to me. When I met my DH I was divorced with a 4 year old, working part-time. He was well paid and I don't think he ever expected me to pay for anything. I did pay my way on holiday, usually because I chose the holiday and he probably wouldn't have bothered going away otherwise.
It sounds as though you need someone who understands your commitments and financial situation and it isn't this man.

It sounds as though you are both on different paths now. Finances can easily become a sore issue and it sounds as though they are.
If, despite you explaining your situation, he still doesnt get it and its
all becoming an added stress, maybe you should consider calling time on this relationship.
He will either adapt or agree. But something needs to be said and done as it sounds an uncomfortable situation to be in.

Actually reading the OPs initial post again I think she’s saying that sometimes when they eat together she pays and chooses something cheap.

And when he chooses and pays he chooses more expensive stuff. The constant difference irks him.

I don’t really know why the OP calls him a partner. It’s what I would call a friendship with benefits.

60 is not old. Why do you want to slip into a dull retirement constantly watching your money?

You say that it is "quite a superficial relationship" and you describe a poor understanding of your needs. I would find the palaver over costing out your share of meals very rude. He's wealthy so what's that all about? He does not sound like a "keeper" more like a friend but perhaps you want to hang on to him even though you are aware of his faults?

I don’t understand why he’s writing down the amount of money he spends if he’s not asking for it back, do you think he’s going to present you with a bill if you break up, I can’t think of any other reason he would keep score

How does he get on with your sons? Do they like him? Does he like them? Talk to them involve them in what you do? Or perhaps they don’t even know each other?

How old is your friend? Have you only met him since back in Ireland? There is so much you do not appear to share,it makes it difficult to advise.

OP, is he the father of your children? Did I miss that bit? If so, surely he needs to step.up and help finances whether it's for you or the kids.? Never mind about holidays. Simple things like bills and food if you are struggling, he should be there for you.

If you are not going to split, I would suggest you sit down with him and show him a total breakdown of your finances. Most parents would support an adult child if still in education . I assume he doesn’t have children that he is responsible for? So he likely doesn’t understand why you are paying to help him.
You need to SHOW him that in relation to him you have very little income coming in and you can’t afford to do a lot of things he wants to do. To go forward in the relationship you might have to compromise and go on his holidays to Tenerife ( and I’m with you on all your reasons not to! ) … BUT say he’ll have to pay for both of you cos ( as he can see) you have little spare money!
If he refuses to compromise as you were, and are, doing then I would agree with a lot of the replies who say get out of this relationship . NOT EASY. I had a younger partner who chased me and put up my shelves etc, etc, but after being caught cheating, said he was insecure ( I had 2 smallish sons at home then) so we should get married and he would be happy and secure! … I believed him and almost immediately I was persuaded to take mortgage out on the house all the home help stopped, and his chasing other women started again . Needless to say a divorce happened within a couple of years and I was left to cope with 2 children and a large mortgage. He left with a new car bought out of that mortgage! Beware!

If you are on low income, do explore if you or child can get any financial help.
I do not know about Eire, but if it is just you and a student, in UK you can get council tax single person discount. If you did not claim and have only just moved then ask your former council for a rebate.
If you are 60, are you entitled to your NHS pension? (Check you have told them your new address)

It does sound as if his income is not that great either if he is tallying up contributions, so I guess not a great fit for a partner. I know it is difficult to start again, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with a penny pincher.

As to foreign holidays, how about a package or even all inclusive each paying your own - no tallying needed.

Is it actually him that is calculating everything or is it you who insist on paying your share. I had a partner for 7 years who never paid a penny for me but that was my choice as I never wanted to feel I owed him financially. We had 7 good years together but apart from birthday and Christmas presents, we always paid for exactly what we had. He was well off, I could have afforded his life choices, but did not wish to 'waste' my money as he did and am much more careful how I spend it. I am hoping to have enough to pay for my own decent care when I have to give in and have some help. I am therefore wondering whether it may be OP who finds it difficult to accept his generosity if he was to offer. I am also wondering how old OP is and although I understand she is tired and with to slow down, that is her choice. He is still working full time, so why should he pay for OP. Different if you are married and fully committed, but as a partner or companion, I see it as being different. Also remember he would in effect be supporting her youngest son too as she chooses to spend some of her money on her adult son. None of it is wrong it is agreeing what is acceptable to both parties. Relationships need talking about.

I know it is hard. But I think you just have to lay it on the line. The big question for me is do you love him and does he love you? If the answer is yes then he needs to support you and that means in every way, and you need to support him too. Your support is in doing things with him that you can enjoy together. His is in helping you to do that and becoming more involved financially. It doesn’t sound like this is what’s happening, so what is? Sex? Fun? Habit? Companionship? Think about what both of you are getting from this and then decide if it is worth preserving and if so how that can be done. And BTW you really do need to spell it out to him that you have no money, so whatever is happening, if it costs he is going to have to pay for it. If he really values you this won’t be an issue. If it is, well you have your answer.

Allira

^There is also the issue if he pays more for a meal than I do he calculates how much extra he spent^

That doesn't sound like someone who is nice and caring to me.

How old is he?
I can't tell you what to do but I know what I'd do and that is wave goodbye. You want a quieter life and he is pressuring you to do otherwise.
You're now on two different paths in life.

👍

Having a man around who can do all the household stuff you can’t do is really useful. I would try to hang onto that part of the relationship, especially since paying a professional for odd jobs can be expensive. Just eat out less and decline holidays. Cook him some meals at your place in exchange for him picking up the tab in restaurants. Not all relationships have to be for life. Do you want to marry this man in the longer term? If so you need him to stop pressuring you financially now. He won’t change later.

It won’t get better. You’ve a chance to quit now. Too many women suffering.

ElaineMcG47 don't be afraid to be on your own...you sound like a truly independent woman...don't stay with someone just because he can garden/put up shelves etc...there's plenty of people on local forums who can do these jobs...
I'm just going to ask if its the intimacy you will miss?

A caring partner would not expect you to go to the sun if you have a pre-cancerous condition. I suffer from vertigo and it is recommended I don't take a cruise, something my husband would love to do. Since the moment he heard the advice from the Consultant, he doesn't even mention going on a cruise and if any trips we do take include a short boat ride, he worries on my behalf so tries to find another way. That is caring.

Think very carefully what you want from this “ relationship” as you don’t seem to be that happy in it. He seems dismissive of your needs and that is a wake up call for me as it should be for you. Maybe time apart would benefit you and give you the space to consider your next step.