Younger partner and spending expectatiosn

There is also the issue if he pays more for a meal than I do he calculates how much extra he spent

That doesn't sound like someone who is nice and caring to me.

How old is he?
I can't tell you what to do but I know what I'd do and that is wave goodbye. You want a quieter life and he is pressuring you to do otherwise.
You're now on two different paths in life.

You just need to keep saying “sorry I can no longer afford that”
on repeat.

To be honest i think you are wasting time in this relationship.

If this man really cared for you he would be sensitive about your disparate incomes and would factor this into every aspect of your relationship.

He clearly doesn't do that and I think that is a good guide to how much he cares for you and the relationship.

Faace the facts, then the balls in your court to decide what you want to do next.

I'm not sure how that set up works but you have young adults who still will need you. The worst is if this man enchants you, marries you and you sign over the kids inheritance

It’s not an age gap, it’s a lifestyle gap.

I take it he’s the younger and he wants to travel and generally enjoy an affluent lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that.

You want to live quietly, stay in Ireland and take things easier. Nothing wrong in that either.

What you have to decidetogether is whether you can forge a partnership that suits you both with him free to travel and do other stuff without you and you free to go camping and stay at home without him.

Then you’ll have a relationship where your time together is doing the things that you do enjoy together, whatever they may be.

You’re not married, you own your own homes, you can be your own people. Even ask for separate restaurant bills!

But if that’s not what one or either of you wants, if either of you is looking for a more committed, bonded relationship then I doubt very much that you can make it work.

Oh I see the title is younger partner- sorry, somehow lost that in the reading.

I don’t think there is anything in this relationship for you . He doesn’t listen to you . He sounds miserly and selfish and you don’t seem to have anything in common at all.

Mumsnetters would say LTB

I think the bit about calculating how much more he spent on meals would do it for me.
He sounds insensitive and rather mean to say the very least.
I know you say he is caring but those aren't the actions of a caring partner.
You deserve someone who is considerate of all your needs. Especially as you have given so much of yourself with your career in the NHS. It's now your time, and you shouldn't have to spend it feeling anxious and upset about money. If he's wealthy then he should be treating you on all these travels, not totting up how much more he's spent than you.

Agree completely with Alwaysworrying . She’s hit the nail on the head !

If he's wealthy then he should be treating you on all these travels, not totting up how much more he's spent than you.

Thst's how he's become wealthy!!

This issue is not related to age gap. He is just insensitive, selfish and a tightwad. Sounds brutal but I think you would be happier without him.

I wouldn't be happy with that imbalance, but many on MN seem to split finances rather than share them, and factor in disparities in income, which may be rarer in older generations. I don't care who earns what (or now whose pension is higher) everything is ours. We would discuss large purchases, but otherwise don't nitpick over who spends what either. As for paying for meals out etc - it depends who gets to the card first, or is passing the paypoint, depending on the establishment. Neither would say 'Tea is cheaper than coffee, so you owe me 45p', but I have heard of couples where this sort of thing is the norm, and they are happy with that, so it's fine.

If he is set on one way and you on the other, I don't know how you sort it out. Maybe have a monthly kitty that is shared? After all the bills are paid, only what is in that kitty is for spending. Then you can decide between you what do together. If he wants to have an expensive meal outside of that he can go alone and pay for it himself. Not ideal, but if the rest of the relationship is worth saving, it might be a solution?

M0nica

To be honest i think you are wasting time in this relationship.

If this man really cared for you he would be sensitive about your disparate incomes and would factor this into every aspect of your relationship.

He clearly doesn't do that and I think that is a good guide to how much he cares for you and the relationship.

Faace the facts, then the balls in your court to decide what you want to do next.

As usual, you have taken the words out of my mouth. This man is a pathetic, stingey waste of space!

I'd tell him "Sorry, you're a luxury I can't afford". 🤷‍♀️

I would not stay in this sort of relationship.
My advice is live your own life independently. Perhaps see your partner occasionally but don't let him impose his wishes on you.
Be your own person.
I hope in the future you meet a man who will truly be your 'partner'.
Your current man isn't!
Best wishes for your future health and happiness.

Sorry, why are you still partners?, you both have your own place, your aims in life are different, go your own way, 8 happens with many couples some stay together grudgingly many separate.

IMO , this isn’t a partnership…I remember a previous thread where you had some of these concerns and yet you’re seeking further advice…he doesn’t sound pleasant at all re working out who has paid what on eating out…
He doesn’t sound caring at all…how long have you been in this relationship?

I couldn’t be with someone who was tight with how much more he’d spent on dinner but if you can get past that then just be honest that you can’t afford the same as him.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. In relation to the question how long have I been with him. I have been with my partner for 5 years - 2 of those were long distance in that I lived in the UK and we saw each other every second weekend.

He's caring in some ways - will help out in my garden, put up shelves, lift heavy stuff that I cannot do. He will pick me up from the train if it is late, that sort of thing.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming but it's all quite superficial, not much deep discussion on anything.

There has always been this issue of money - i.e.. splitting things exactly evenly, and calculating if the meal I pay for is less than the meal he bought previously. There has always been the pressure to travel - wants a holiday abroad each year and to the same place, Tenerife. I am very fair, hate the sun, have a pre cancerous skin condition and am a magnet for mosquitos, as well as the holiday costing a lot more than I can afford.

His recent comment suggesting I should buy a car for my son as my son's car frequently breaks down, angered me a lot as I can barely help my son with the car repairs and he knows that, and knows that I am still funding my son in college and that it is a huge stress, and I have been mentioning this for the last two years or so.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. So much appreciated!

You have very different ideas on finances, neither of you will change how you deal with it so it has to be accepted, or the relationship has to end if it is too big an issue.

I read your OP, why are you in this relationship?

I obviously missed reading something enjoyable.

All of the above. If going to Tenerife every year is not for you then say so and he is probably quite capable of going on his own. It's time to have a rethink about the quality of your relationship. Carry on with the things that you enjoy doing but if you are thinking that it is all rather superficial, then stop calling him your partner and call him a friend (or even an acquaintance) instead.

ElaineMcG47

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. In relation to the question how long have I been with him. I have been with my partner for 5 years - 2 of those were long distance in that I lived in the UK and we saw each other every second weekend.

He's caring in some ways - will help out in my garden, put up shelves, lift heavy stuff that I cannot do. He will pick me up from the train if it is late, that sort of thing.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming but it's all quite superficial, not much deep discussion on anything.

There has always been this issue of money - i.e.. splitting things exactly evenly, and calculating if the meal I pay for is less than the meal he bought previously. There has always been the pressure to travel - wants a holiday abroad each year and to the same place, Tenerife. I am very fair, hate the sun, have a pre cancerous skin condition and am a magnet for mosquitos, as well as the holiday costing a lot more than I can afford.

His recent comment suggesting I should buy a car for my son as my son's car frequently breaks down, angered me a lot as I can barely help my son with the car repairs and he knows that, and knows that I am still funding my son in college and that it is a huge stress, and I have been mentioning this for the last two years or so.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. So much appreciated!

It’s time to tell him exactly what you’ve told us. His circumstances, your circumstances are quite different, you don’t even like going on holiday to the same places, not a thing wrong in that, but when the cons begin to outweigh the pros, umm….time to think if you’d be more at peace without him.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming

Join the U3A - you'll meet lots of other people who enjoy walking, gardening, swimming etc!