Shall I let this Friendship go?

I had a dear friend for 4O years. we got along fine until I started to realise how dreadfully rude she was to people serving in cafes/ pubs etc. Mainly women trying to earn an honest crust. She was also rude and intolerant to
people whom were overweight. In the end I just cut her off. She was so toxic - it stressed me out to be with her. I couldn’t even bear to tell her why. She was even horrid to
her grandchildren. My life is so much better without her in it.
I still feel sad/ bad about it but . . .

Time to move on I think...

If nothing else, this thread has prompted me to write 3 letters.
I used pen and paper and have posted them. One was to my daughter because when I see her, which isn't that often, she is too busy to chat and I find texts and short phonecalls unsatisfactory.
The other letters were to old friends whom I haven't seen for over 20 years. I reached out to them both and asked one to stay if she'd like, while I still have a guest room. I'm planning to downsize.
So thanks Gransnet pals!

I would definitely let it go. You are not well at the moment, and the realization that this friendship that you had thought was special hadnt really been as you thought. But what does it show? That you are a decent person and think of others and are a friend worth having. She sounds a rather selfcentred person who thinks the world revolves round her!! Dont waste your time thinking of her. When you feel a bit better , you will meet some much nicer people in the future. and in the meantime we are all here. I find the gransnetters caring and helpful and THERE. On a bad night , when I am in a lot of pain and on my own, cant sleep, hurray for GN's, who will have some ingenious ideas, been in your situation before, be happy to help where they can and are all genuine people. I think you should give you time to some of these rather than that ungrateful person. Remember you only became friends because you lived close together, you didnt choose her so it is not your choice that is a problem. Best of luck in the future with those of u s who care!!

There's a time and a season for almost every friendship I think and some can be on and off depending on what else is happening in life. Doesn't necessarily mean they aren't worth preserving to be rekindled when the time is right.

Yes indeed, let it go.

Yes, move on. I had the same with a “best” friend for over 25 years. Everyone was telling me that I was the one always running to her. Taking time off work when she never did that for me. She wouldn’t drive far so I used to do the driving and pick her up and bring her back. Then I was ill and she wanted to know when I was picking her up to go to the painting class. I actually introduced her to the class! I text her to say that I wouldn’t be over there as I was actually in bed! Never heard from her again. I was actually foolish enough to send her birthday cards and christmas cards for the first two years after that and still she didnt reply. I gave up but it hurts because I loved our times together but others say - good riddance!!!

Her silence speaks volumes. Perhaps she cannot find the words to say so but move on.

I think different people have different idea of what friendship means. I know those who send Christmas cards to people they haven't seen for decades and collect Facebook 'friends' whether they would recognise them on the street or not. Others are much more circumspect and would only claim to be friends with people who have been to their houses.

Sometimes friends are just people we share our lives with at particular times, such as when our children are small, or when our husbands work together. When those circumstances change the 'friendships' die out. Other friends can be people we rarely see, but when we do it's as close as ever. I suspect the friendship in the OP is one of the former kind.

As an aside, not everyone responds to email - I check mine now and then, but a lot gets lost. People who know me well are aware that I respond very quickly to texts/WhatsApp etc, but if they send an email it will take a while before I even see it, so the poster who emailed three friends and was upset when one didn't reply might have sent it to someone who prefers other means of communication.

Perhaps your old friend has some mental health issues or us just depressed .
Some people just can't be bothered .
Some don't really need friends.
One of my friends is West Indian and she loves being with her huge family. They all get along very well .
We have a wonderful relationship but I don't see her very often as she's usually with
her family.
I visit several very elderly ladies from church and ots really hit and miss if they are in the mood to chat other days it's hard to leave .
I have other friends who are lazy to text.
Others who love the idea of going out and are overwhelmed by the reality .
One of my friends wants to go out every day and now is pressing me to visit a mutual friend with dementia .
The last time I saw her I felt completely exhausted repeating myself .
At the end of my visit she said I know you don't I ?
It's very sad .
I have two fantastic friends and both of them have allowed their intensely jealous partners to spoil our friendship because they are deeply insecure .
I don't know if they are afraid of their confiding in me about sex or something personal !
Some women are really glued to the hip !
After many years of friendship it comes as a tremendous shock when your seemingly devoted friend can't be bothered anymore.
Don't take it to heart .

Dontcallmelove

I think you have made the right decision Sparklefizz. I think she made hers a long time ago.

Yes. You're right.

When she was 60, I filled a small photo album with copies of photos of our joint memories over the years - the parties we had before we had our first babies, our children's birthday parties as they grew up, their swimming lessons, our weekends away together, days out, etc.

She gave me a bottle opener for my 60th. I don't drink.

I think you have made the right decision Sparklefizz. I think she made hers a long time ago.

grandMattie

The old adage “You have friends for a reason, for a season or for life” never rang so true.
I have found that clinging on to friendships that have lapsed very sad but curiously liberating if you’re the one always making the first move.

I agree clinging on to old friendships is sad. Maybe especially if the clinging is one sided. However if you still have feelings for this old friend you should express them unless you are sure she positively does not want to hear from you ever again, which is unlikely.

Lathyrus3

I’m going to be unpopular here but I think it was really a bit off to write about your illnesses in her birthday card!

Apart from that I think it’s quite common for friendship to wither away over time when people move. Especially if your main connection was to do with children. They become more and more irrelevant because you no longer know them so there’s not much of interest to talk about really.

I sent cards for years to people I was never going to see again and last year I just decided to stop. There lives and mine had gone our separate ways.

While I agree that some connections become more and more irrelevant there is also the auld lang syne element which is very precious. Why not send a card which stresses the happy memories that still matter after all those intervening years. If you can't buy a suitable card then make one especially for her.

Sending a card need not be a nod to the festive season conventions but can express a heartfelt feeling on the part of the sender if the message is well writtten to express those feelings.

Phone calls can be difficult if your interests are no longer mutual, but the written message is easier as it can concisely express genuine feelings.

It is said if you can count true friends on one hand you are very lucky.
Not sure I could.

Sparklefizz.

I realise you have made your decision on what you are doing about your ‘friendship’, so won’t labour the point, but it just occurred to me on re-reading your OP, that now you are both widows, perhaps it was your husbands who kept the friendship going, and now it’s just you two, the connection is no longer the same?

Just a thought.

My DM, many years ago, decided to only send Christmas cards to people who had sent her cards the year before. Hmm. She sent fewer and received even fewer as the years went by which made her sad. Ofcourse at her age and now mine, friends die between Christmases.

What I'm trying to say is; if you want to see your friends again even for coffee, it should be you who makes the effort. I'm off to write a letter now!

I am going to let it go. Having given it a lot of thought since actually voicing it on here, I realise the "friendship" hasn't been a two-way thing for quite a few years and that my efforts not to lose it have kept it limping along. I've been in denial, so to speak.

I have suddenly remembered that I wasn't invited to their 40th wedding anniversary party years ago and it was only when she let it slip months later that I knew they had organised one.

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

Sorry, pressed send by mistake.

As I was saying, I would leave it. If she does get in touch it will be a pleasant surprise and if she doesn't then you will have the answer to your questioning of the friendship.

I would leave it and not initiatate any more contact.

If she does get in touch you will be pleasatn

The old adage “You have friends for a reason, for a season or for life” never rang so true.
I have found that clinging on to friendships that have lapsed very sad but curiously liberating if you’re the one always making the first move.

An old school friend I haven't seen for over 30 years. We still send cards at Christmas with the "news". No expectations but she is in my thoughts from time to time. She doesn't use email 😕 and I am lazy.

A much newer friend of only about 15 years is about to move 12 hours away to her dream retirement home. I am feeling abandoned! I wonder if we will keep up. She has been very good to me since DH died in 2020. I need her more than she needs me but I will write and keep in touch.

I find as I get older just keeping up with my immediate family really does take up a lot of head space.

Sparkelfizzx, I would let this friendship go. I have had two friends for 50 years whom I now rarely see, wound up in their children's lives, so this year I won't be the one to contact and I know I won't hear. Its meaningless but it's still a loss and sometimes we just hang on.

I have seen a lot of articles recently discussing adult friendships, one word that keeps popping up is ‘proximity’.
The suggestion seems to be that this is a key driver in adult friendships and when that changes most of the time the friendship fades.
A couple of examples given were making friends at work, but losing touch once no longer working and school gate friendships that fizzled out once children leave school.
None of the articles suggested that these weren’t ‘real’ friendships just because they weren’t lifelong ones.