Suspect son is in debt - how to help?

I think as others have said you need to sit down and have a difficult conversation with your son, he needs help but not from your pocket, he needs help managing his money. The citizens advice bureau can help am sure and there must be other groups/organisations out there who can help perhaps by suggesting he consolidates all his debts into one amount that he can then pay off with an agreed sum regularly.
But am only repeating what I have heard about debt management, you could do a little research first on google to see what kind of help is available.
All the best with this thorny problem.

Retread

I'm not judging you Love59 , I just wondered.

You'll have to tell him of your concerns, and he will have to sit with the discomfort and hear you out. Also redirect all the mail. I wouldn't say anything to the new partner, that's between them...

Good luck.

Re Retreads Sound Advice

Definitely the best way forward for you and him.

Also, although the financial circumstances of his divorce are not your business. He must have a deal or agreement about his division of possible savings, other money and assets,

Perhaps he is planning to pay off some of his debt with the above.

He can then start afresh with his new partner,

Best Wishes

Did everybody else know that a DMP was a Debt Management Plan?
I must brush up on my abbreviations.

Have they never needed help in the case of illness, accident, unemployment, catastrophe, death?

Those are very different situations. We are talking here of some one who clearly has a history of poor money management, despite having been bailed out several times by his parents.

Yes, we have given sums of money to our children at various times in their life whether we felt that either of them could do with a bit extra or not, but they have never asked for it, nor asked for a loan.

But when as youngsters they ran into debt by over spending we were strict over repayments, in the same way in their early years of work we insisted they paid towards their keep. It is a question of instilling financial discipine into them early and making them understand that the world does not owe them a living.

Since then we have given them money and both have lived with us for a couple of months without any formal financial arrangements. The lessons have been learnt permanently. We can be more relaxed with them fianncially.

Debts are associated with the person not the address so I wouldn’t worry about that. You probably need to have a chat with him. If the debt isn’t a result of gambling or other unnecessary spending, and you can afford to help, then that’s what I would do. Each to their own but if we can help our kids when they’re in need, then why not.

Desdemona

However you help your son is your business, but as other posters have said, you really need to disassociate his debts with your address ASAP as it could create a mountain of problems for YOU. (I know from experience.)

Debts are not linked to an address, they are linked to a person, though letters or debt collectors may call at the address given by the debtor. Only way it may cause you problems is if you perhaps had a joint account or mortgage with the debtor. You can contact Experian to see your credit file, and if there is anything amiss they will rectify it.
And I wouldn’t say that ‘bailing out’ someone means the things that Norah mentioned. There is a difference between giving or lending money for a particular thing or problem to someone who manages their money to the best of their ability and handing over money to someone who has recklessly amassed debts. I would agree with MOnica that giving him money would not be helpful at all, if you think that’s the case with him.

However you help your son is your business, but as other posters have said, you really need to disassociate his debts with your address ASAP as it could create a mountain of problems for YOU. (I know from experience.)

It's not good that he is associating debts with your address I agree welbeck which is why the OP needs to discuss this with her son.

M0nica

*Norah*, Yes we have bailed our children out, to the sum of a couple of hundred pounds each in their first year or so at university. Each bail out was accompanied by a realistic repayment schedule that we kept them to.

Everything was repaid and they have managed their money carefully ever since.

Have they never needed help in the case of illness, accident, unemployment, catastrophe, death? Ours have, we asked the reason, we helped.

I repeat, OP has not started her sons reason, she need not tell us. However his reasons are unclear and may be valid.

My point has merit.

Norah, Yes we have bailed our children out, to the sum of a couple of hundred pounds each in their first year or so at university. Each bail out was accompanied by a realistic repayment schedule that we kept them to.

Everything was repaid and they have managed their money carefully ever since.

You should check your credit rating with Experian or similar services.
It's not good that he is associatinghis debts with your address.
I think you need to be much tougher.
Has it occurred to you that he may have been giving a hellish time to his ex due to his irresponsible attitude to money.

Is the "hellish time" he had with ex, connected to his history of money troubles or expecting someone else to prop him up when things go wrong?

Because that appears to be an established pattern with you.

He'll keep relying on you to rescue/ bail him out as long as you keep doing it. You are lovingly enabling him to not take responsibility. He's your son, but he's not a child; you need to make that distinction.

Lovely new woman deserves to know the truth about his debt and financial situation BEFORE he moves in to mooch off her . Haven't his children endured enough change and disruption?

Tell him firmly , it's up to HIM to tell her the truth, and before he moves in.

My wife did have to bail her son out who got a DMP for £25k, even so it was 2 yrs after before he could get a mortgage.
He learned his lesson and is OK now.

M0nica

Norah

David49

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Good post David49

I agree, give what you can afford and wait.

I disagree, do not give him a penny. Your OP says he has a history of being 'bad with money' and in the past you have baled him out. Giving him money is enabling his thriftless behaviour.

The only way he will deal with his debt problems is when he is up against the wall - and even then he will probably try to wriggle out.

Do not give him a penny more.

Have you never bailed yours out?

We have. I'm not sure we on GN know why he has been helped.
For his mother to discern, she surely doesn't have to say, but there may have been valid reasons.

On a different thread, recently, reasons listed included couples beset with illness, accident, unemployment, catastrophe -- and parents helped.

“I disagree, do not give him a penny. Your OP says he has a history of being 'bad with money' and in the past you have baled him out. Giving him money is enabling his thriftless behaviour.

The only way he will deal with his debt problems is when he is up against the wall - and even then he will probably try to wriggle out.

Do not give him a penny more.”

You deliberately misrepresented the post

I had already said don’t give him anything. “What you can afford” was in the context of not loaning money

Norah

David49

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Good post David49

I agree, give what you can afford and wait.

I disagree, do not give him a penny. Your OP says he has a history of being 'bad with money' and in the past you have baled him out. Giving him money is enabling his thriftless behaviour.

The only way he will deal with his debt problems is when he is up against the wall - and even then he will probably try to wriggle out.

Do not give him a penny more.

David49

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Good post David49

I agree, give what you can afford and wait.

Having a DMP is really bad news he can’t get credit anywhere even a solicitor to help with divorce will be difficult, unless you give a guarantee, be warned a contested divorce can easily cost £20k, so don’t!.

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Smileless2012

OP is fully aware of past problems he's had with money Norah.

Indeed, OP said he had past problems.

However, she didn't say why, perhaps there were all the reasons many parent help, not that she must tell us. For her to ponder.

Many, here, have given deposits, paid repairs, paid tuition, bought school kit. We've done all those things. Our eldest daughter's husband passed away young (50s), she needed our help, that is in the past.

OP is fully aware of past problems he's had with money Norah.

My opinion isn't same as many here.

You've occasionally bailed him out. Who amongst us hasn't given money for car repair, home deposit, child in law's death, grandchild tuition?

Divorce is expensive, perhaps because of 2 homes and 2 outgoings. Has son had debt problems in the past? Is the debt current debt?

Please do not make new partner "aware" not yours to tell.

Yes, but the son has to be the one to engage with them. My son took out a DMP earlier in the year but it seems to have made very little difference...

Suggest you talk to him a direct him towards the Citizens Advice or Debtline who are very helpful in dealing with creditors. People who are in debt often pay those who shout the loudest and ignore others that may be more important but there are ways he can be helped.

What MOnica says. My son moved back in with me three years ago and I'll soon be in debt myself if his irresponsible behaviour doesn't stop...
Be warned!