Suspect son is in debt - how to help?

Hi Love59. How old is your son?

Have a discussion with him?

You need to talk to him about this. If any these are from a debt collection agency, as they're being sent to your address you could have them knocking on your door.

He’s 35! I know….
When he’s no longer living with us we won’t have a clue…but we’re worried that he’s not addressing the problem

I'm not judging you Love59 , I just wondered.

You'll have to tell him of your concerns, and he will have to sit with the discomfort and hear you out. Also redirect all the mail. I wouldn't say anything to the new partner, that's between them...

Good luck.

Thank you, Retread, you’re right🙂

What you should not do is bale him out again. While he knows that you can be relied on to rescue from his financial problems he has no incentive to deal with them, you are in fact enabling his behaviour.

I am afraid the simple answer is that you can do nothing. He is in his mid 30s, has children and an ex-wife. he needs to learn to take responsibility for his own life and behaviour and you need to let him do so.

I was reading an article today about addicts and their families and the person writing the article said the biggest mistake the families of addicts make is thinking that how much they love and want to help the addict will somehow help the addict giv up their addiction. She said love is utterly irrelelvant.

In your case you love your son and want to help him with his problems, but loving him and wanting to help him will never make him responsible with money until he decides to grasp the nettle and deal with it.

So you can do nothing to help him, give your care and love to your grandchildren, they need it most.

What MOnica says. My son moved back in with me three years ago and I'll soon be in debt myself if his irresponsible behaviour doesn't stop...
Be warned!

Suggest you talk to him a direct him towards the Citizens Advice or Debtline who are very helpful in dealing with creditors. People who are in debt often pay those who shout the loudest and ignore others that may be more important but there are ways he can be helped.

Yes, but the son has to be the one to engage with them. My son took out a DMP earlier in the year but it seems to have made very little difference...

My opinion isn't same as many here.

You've occasionally bailed him out. Who amongst us hasn't given money for car repair, home deposit, child in law's death, grandchild tuition?

Divorce is expensive, perhaps because of 2 homes and 2 outgoings. Has son had debt problems in the past? Is the debt current debt?

Please do not make new partner "aware" not yours to tell.

OP is fully aware of past problems he's had with money Norah.

Smileless2012

OP is fully aware of past problems he's had with money Norah.

Indeed, OP said he had past problems.

However, she didn't say why, perhaps there were all the reasons many parent help, not that she must tell us. For her to ponder.

Many, here, have given deposits, paid repairs, paid tuition, bought school kit. We've done all those things. Our eldest daughter's husband passed away young (50s), she needed our help, that is in the past.

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Having a DMP is really bad news he can’t get credit anywhere even a solicitor to help with divorce will be difficult, unless you give a guarantee, be warned a contested divorce can easily cost £20k, so don’t!.

David49

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Good post David49

I agree, give what you can afford and wait.

Norah

David49

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Good post David49

I agree, give what you can afford and wait.

I disagree, do not give him a penny. Your OP says he has a history of being 'bad with money' and in the past you have baled him out. Giving him money is enabling his thriftless behaviour.

The only way he will deal with his debt problems is when he is up against the wall - and even then he will probably try to wriggle out.

Do not give him a penny more.

“I disagree, do not give him a penny. Your OP says he has a history of being 'bad with money' and in the past you have baled him out. Giving him money is enabling his thriftless behaviour.

The only way he will deal with his debt problems is when he is up against the wall - and even then he will probably try to wriggle out.

Do not give him a penny more.”

You deliberately misrepresented the post

I had already said don’t give him anything. “What you can afford” was in the context of not loaning money

M0nica

Norah

David49

It’s a difficult one, it would depend how the debt happened, the marriage breakdown you have probably only heard one side the story, the ex may be very difficult, but why. As he already got a new partner, moving in before the divorce goes through is asking for problems, the ex is guaranteed to be resentful.

Because he has a roof over his head, do nothing until the divorce is complete, then find out the root of his problems.
Do not loan him anything, give it outright if you can afford it, or say sorry you can’t.

Good post David49

I agree, give what you can afford and wait.

I disagree, do not give him a penny. Your OP says he has a history of being 'bad with money' and in the past you have baled him out. Giving him money is enabling his thriftless behaviour.

The only way he will deal with his debt problems is when he is up against the wall - and even then he will probably try to wriggle out.

Do not give him a penny more.

Have you never bailed yours out?

We have. I'm not sure we on GN know why he has been helped.
For his mother to discern, she surely doesn't have to say, but there may have been valid reasons.

On a different thread, recently, reasons listed included couples beset with illness, accident, unemployment, catastrophe -- and parents helped.

My wife did have to bail her son out who got a DMP for £25k, even so it was 2 yrs after before he could get a mortgage.
He learned his lesson and is OK now.

Is the "hellish time" he had with ex, connected to his history of money troubles or expecting someone else to prop him up when things go wrong?

Because that appears to be an established pattern with you.

He'll keep relying on you to rescue/ bail him out as long as you keep doing it. You are lovingly enabling him to not take responsibility. He's your son, but he's not a child; you need to make that distinction.

Lovely new woman deserves to know the truth about his debt and financial situation BEFORE he moves in to mooch off her . Haven't his children endured enough change and disruption?

Tell him firmly , it's up to HIM to tell her the truth, and before he moves in.

You should check your credit rating with Experian or similar services.
It's not good that he is associatinghis debts with your address.
I think you need to be much tougher.
Has it occurred to you that he may have been giving a hellish time to his ex due to his irresponsible attitude to money.

Norah, Yes we have bailed our children out, to the sum of a couple of hundred pounds each in their first year or so at university. Each bail out was accompanied by a realistic repayment schedule that we kept them to.

Everything was repaid and they have managed their money carefully ever since.

M0nica

*Norah*, Yes we have bailed our children out, to the sum of a couple of hundred pounds each in their first year or so at university. Each bail out was accompanied by a realistic repayment schedule that we kept them to.

Everything was repaid and they have managed their money carefully ever since.

Have they never needed help in the case of illness, accident, unemployment, catastrophe, death? Ours have, we asked the reason, we helped.

I repeat, OP has not started her sons reason, she need not tell us. However his reasons are unclear and may be valid.

My point has merit.