Suspect son is in debt - how to help?

I gave my son enough to cover debts twice. Then he got into debt again and when pressed admitted that this time it was tens of thousands, way beyond my savings. Brought up to regard bankruptcy as a terrible thing, I was appalled. In fact the shock was the turning point for him. He sorted himself out over the next few years.
I am not necessarily recommending it but in his it changed his life for the better.

Do not give or lend him any more money. Don't discuss the letters with him and redirect to his new address. Definitely don't interfere with his relationship and inform his girlfriend of his debts. He's 35 so time to take responsibility and sort his own life out. He won't thank you for interfering and it will damage your relationship with him. Best wishes

Do get your own credit rating checked and get s "marker" placed onto it stating that you are not liable for your sons debts experian can advise om this. Should your sons debts become attached to your home this could cause awful problems for you, do you or your Dh have the same initials/ name? You dont want bailiffs at your door. Give your son support and tough love, he needs to get to grips with his finances-- perhaps you can teach him how to draw up a income/expenditure sheet. I went through this with my own son now he's doing very well!

Apologies I meant to say well done David-to you and your wife.

Did you and your wife excellent!!

SillyOma

I have bailed my children out recently for different reasons. I have 2 sons. I remember when i was young mum and my mother occasionally giving me some money and feeling it was a life saver. I'm 72 now and very fortunate to be in a position to help them both . My personal thoughts are if I can help them now when they need it and I'm still alive, great, better than waiting till I'm dead. I know everyone is different but I love my sons and am happy to help when I can.

I agree. We give generously, no strings.

I have bailed my children out recently for different reasons. I have 2 sons. I remember when i was young mum and my mother occasionally giving me some money and feeling it was a life saver. I'm 72 now and very fortunate to be in a position to help them both . My personal thoughts are if I can help them now when they need it and I'm still alive, great, better than waiting till I'm dead. I know everyone is different but I love my sons and am happy to help when I can.

Once again, can I say that debt relates to a person, not an address.
I wonder if Love59’s son has asked for help, because it is really none of her business! The letters are arriving at her address, so there is always the chance that a debt collector may turn up at her door, but otherwise it shouldn’t affect her at all.
He may be hoping that living at a new address will get him off the hook.

Whoops, Debt Relief Order not Release

welbeck

You should check your credit rating with Experian or similar services.
It's not good that he is associatinghis debts with your address.

This is my worry. As others have suggested you really do need to sit down with your son in a non confrontational way and point to the letters asking him if they are from debt collectors. If you can get him to admit this you are on the way to being able to help him, not financially but by giving practical advice. Citizens Advice are experts in debt management and, depending on the debts, can arrange a debt release order (DRO) that could help him write his debts off and stop debt collectors chasing him. If not they can suggest other ways of debt management. He really doesn’t need to battle this alone. Also do encourage him to talk to his new partner but, of course it is not up to you to do so.

I would suggest a gentle conversation. When my children were younger we kept a kindly eye on them, debt happens for all sorts of reasons. My oldest was caught up in the Northern Rock mortgage scandal and was unable to extricate himself from the loans company, and we were pleased to be able to help him out; another's budgeting was thrown out by the change in child benefits allowance too. That doesn't mean we didn't expect them to do their bit re budgeting and recovering their financial position. Divorces can be expensive, and the money problems may be due to the other partner. Life in your 20s and 30s is hard to manage financially, and we made sure we were there as a quiet safety net to protect stress levels and marriages. As they got older and became financially more comfortable they don't need that.
So I would certainly suggest kindly discussion and help with a possible plan, without judgement and upset.

Get him to contact national debtline. I believe they are very helpful.

But it's not between them if she doesn't know. Can you imagine what it would be like for her if he goes ahead and lives with her and he is in debt ? It could ruin her life too. Sounds like he's had form for this. I would encourage him to tell her what the financial situation is so she can make an informed decision.

Get the kettle out and steam them open to find out how bad it is.
If there are any CCJs or debt recovery there, then copy them for him, then send them back with a "not known at this address, return to sender" written across them. This will protect you a little.
If there is any recent debt, not relating to the divorce, then you do need to sit him down and get him talking about debt recovery plans - arm yourself with info and contact details.
If it is simply interest on old debts, then perhaps a gentler discussion about debt management plans can help, and if you are in a position to, offer a small amount towards payment to the worst of the creditors (these will definitely include any council debts, as they can prosecute), and encourage him, if he has not done so, to contact them offering a payment plan. Creditors can be reasonable if you just talk to them.

I’ve had a similar situation and as difficult as it was at the time and actually continues to be I did not bail my son out I offered advice for example citizens advice bureau financial issues consultants it should be on our children shoulders when they’re adults to reach out to appropriate adult resources to handle any debt situation. Fortunately if parents step into that role it continues and will happen again and again. This is the very best advice I can give you and I can also offer my understanding with regards to how stressful the situation is for your family.

Google money saving expert debt advice (it won’t let me link here for some reason). It’s on the Martin Lewis website.
It gives a really easy to follow plan with links to organisations that will help your son manage his finances and get out of debt. There are several organisations it recommends , all giving free debt advice, including CAB, that provide excellent individual support. They have access to solutions that the public don’t have, and a depth knowledge and experience that you, as a willing but untrained parent won’t have. You are probably too close and will be too emotional to really help him learn in the way a trained stranger can.
Read the advice yourself so you know what might be needed, then gently point him in the right direction to get the help he needs rather than trying to do it yourself.

I really appreciate all this advice and support, especially from Lahlah65. Thank you all. We shall have to have it out with him in spite of the upset this will bring.

My son met someone who was worse at managing money then he is- birds of a feather and all that...

I really think some people have a poor concept of how money actaully works despite everything their families do.

My marriage ended due to my exes lack of financial common-sense. My son seems to have inherited his father's incapacity. Despite all the help he's had, offered and refused he still can't manage and I don't believe he ever will...

Myself and OH have bailed out our respective children when they were younger, and allowed 0% overdrafts (given freely by banks with student bank accounts) to escalate. Once the banks started to charge interest, they were in trouble. We were lucky to be able to afford to help and neither has ever got into debt again. They each separately had a proper scare and never wanted to find themselves in that situation again.

Debt can feel frightening and overwhelming - I didn’t understand why my daughter wasn’t managing until one day I saw her bank statement and was shocked to see how much interest was accumulating. It was clear that she had a problem - her outgoings exceeded what she was earning and she just didn’t know what to do. She was ashamed and angry about the situation that she’d got herself into.

I absolutely understand being scared to open letters and putting in your head in the sand. I would say that the best thing to do is for the OP to sit down with their son and talk to him about this, making it clear that there’s no blame or criticism implied. It needs a frank conversation about his outgoings, what is coming in, and help him to come up with a plan for managing any debt that he has.

It’s wrong to assume that his future partner doesn’t know his situation - surely no one can enter into a relationship with someone going through divorce, with children, and not understand that money is going to be tight? But perhaps as part of the conversation OP can ask how they plan to budget once they move in together.

He might be 35, but surely no one is ever too old for a bit of loving support from their parents? Whether this is financial, or moral and practical. When I went through a difficult divorce, in my late 40s, my parents cashed in a large chunk of their savings to give me the deposit to buy a house. (They were distressed to see me still renting houses after three years.) Of course they knew they would get it back once the marital home was finally sold. But I have never forgotten that act of extraordinary generosity.

I’m not suggesting that the OP should do anything like this - I agree with others who say that repeatedly bailing out children with financial problems doesn’t help them understand how to live within their means. But reading through all the comments it seems to me that families do manage to navigate this tricky area if everybody is honest with each other, and clear about the problems.

This thread has made me think how bad we are generally at talking about money and finances - perhaps it’s a habit that families should get into early on?

You love your son and you want to help him but continually bailing him out is not the answer . He's an adult but clearly struggling to manage his money and it sounds like he does need help with that .
I would have that difficult conversation with him . Cards on the table . Yes he'll probably be upset but debt spirals quickly and is all consuming . Sit down with him , list all the debt he owes and too who . Help him to manage it by maybe shifting some to 0% credit cards . You suggest that you keep hold of the cards and cut up any other credit cards he's using . If you do bail him out again to clear them then make him set up a standing order to repay you monthly , and you're helping him out interest fee.
Yes there will be tears , shouting and shame but you need to help him keep on top of it , go through his income / outcome with him to help him understand why he's getting into debt continually. Sorry to ask but do you think he's gambling or has another addiction that he's hiding from you .
What ever you do , don't just clear his debts for him because he won't learn , he needs to face it and deal with it himself but as a parent I understand completely you wanting him to go forward with a clean slate . I'm afraid his new relationship won't last very long with this hanging around his neck .
Good luck , it won't be easy but he'll thank you in the end and knowing his debt is being sorted will help you sleep better at night .

You do need to be aware that there is the possibility that your credit rating may be affected, if he is giving your address for his letters etc. The debt people can look at the address, and not necessarily be aware that you are not involved in his financial situation especially as you are his parents.

You should make it clear , that now he is an adult that you are no longer responsible for his debts , and will not be responsible for any of his debts, I expect you are not charging him a fair rate for staying with you, even for the cost of food etc. . When my son had a patch of problems I agreed to him coming home to live for a time, but told him the amount I expected from him weekly for his keep etc. Of course I did not charge him the full amount, but did make it clear that he must pay his way. In actual fact I kept most of it apart from food costs, in a savings account. When things had improved and he was getting back on his feet, and moving to his own place, we were then able to give him a lump sum towards some furnishings. He was surprised and very pleased .
At another time he asked to borrow some money, for quite a sensible thing that was on offer for a short time. I told him that we only had limited money and that if we lent him the cash he must pay us back as quickly as possible as this was the only cushion we had for any unexpected costs. Also should he ever need to borrow money again, it would only be there if he paid it back in the first place.

This, in the end, was a good lesson for him to learn, which he did and now much older, he has his own emergency funds for the unexpected problems that arrive. He has not needed to borrow from us for many years , and I saw that as a way to teach him our way of surviving, without actually saying that he had to do this.

You will not really be doing your son any favour if you let him think that you will provide, home , money etc , and keep him from facing up to his own way of living. He is an adult now and should expect to behave like an adult. In fact once he has gone somewhere of his own, I would suggest that you turn the bedroom into a working room for sewing or office or whatever, so that you are tacitly showing that you do not expect him to return on a lengthy time scale and that you have done your share and more and he must not rely on you to do anything. By now HE should be providing support and help for you not the other way around!!.

We have all struggled to bring up our families and manage to get a home together. Today it seems that we are seen as being there just for their convience to look after children, whenever it suits them and to bale them out of whatever stupid situation they get themselves into. Well you should be able to enjoy your time and not be involved in all this worry.

Do think about these ideas, and maybe come up with something more suitable to do. Do you have any other children who are not behaving in this way? This could end up with other family members resenting the fact that they have behaved in a better way and yet he is getting much more of the money than he should. It sounds very selfish to me and I think you should give more attention to your husband, and friends and let him make an effort for himself

Well said - completely agree!

If you see your son regularly, ask him next time he drops in, why he is having post sent to your address.

Or phone him and say there are letters at your place for him and then ask if he knows mail is being sent to him at your address.

You do not actually say that these letters are from debt collecters - we just seem to assume so, as you mention he has had money problems in the past.

If the problem is debts again, then I think you are justified in asking your son if his new partner knows that he is not good at managing money and has debts. If he hedges or says he has not told her, then say that he really should, as it is unfair to her not to tell her something that will or could affect them both later on. Add that you will not mention the matter to her, whether he does so, or does not.

Don't lend him more money.

You might, if you are good at that kind of conversation, offer to help him make arrangements with his creditors, or put him in touch with someone who could help him do so.

And if you have not already done so, show him how to make out a household budget.

Not a penny to son who should know better. Tell the new girlfriend all about reckless son. What if she gets pregnant? More children more debt!

I agree 100% with M0nica.
If you bail him out, your son will never learn and it will never end.