Just need someone to talk to

Does make me so upset that women and sometimes men are bought so low by controlling partners they haven't the fight in them to get out. Make a plan save as much cash as you can, consult a solicitor, tell them what you plan to do. It will be hard at first but you can do it and with support.

I believe citizens advise can be very useful in these situations as well as Women's Aid etc to help you prepare for the future

So sad to see this- yet another person silently bearing domestic abuse; it might hide under other names, but it is that, pure & simple.
I have been in that situation with my first husband and stayed for many years because first and foremost he threatened to prove me an unfit mother & take the children; he couldn’t have of course but I was young & scared & it was the 80s.
Im afraid there is only one thing to do, and it will be hard but do it you must: go to a solicitor & get advice about how you should proceed. Then I’m afraid you will have to take all your courage in your hands and tell him you want him to leave. If he will not you may have to which I know is more difficult, but eventually through the courts you will get your fair share. And- PLEASE if he becomes violent, walk out at once and call the police; theyre not like they used to be about it.
One more thing- try and pack an emergency bag & put together some cash.
Thinking of you. I do know you have to sink very low before something snaps but you CAN do it x

Hi

Thing is we must take some responsibility. Because if we allow someone to treat us this way. It is out own fault

So you see it's a decision

I will put up with some things but if I am hurt tooo much will say

Think about the whole picture sweet. Then decide. And get that house in your name TOO if you can. Not just his name

Everything everyone has said is true especially all the points made by Madeleine45. I have been in your situation I left when my ex husband became physically abusive after being coercively controlling for a long time before.

I’ve been divorced for 10 years. I’m very happy . The divorce cost me a lot of money because he was so obstructive ( how dare I think I could divorce him- but I did) I’m very happy and in control of my own life. My children were very aware of what their father was like they were supportive and delighted we were divorcing.

Please leave him he will NOT ever change . You deserve more . I had him charged with assault for the physical violence and he was convicted in court . That was satisfying.

I do understand how difficult this situation is BlueBelle. I suffered abuse from my ex husband, mental and physical, but escaped with my two children, and made a wonderful life for us, with my family and friends’ support. I only hope Elevator has the strength to move on.

I’m in a very similar situation to you After 37 years of marriage my husband’s divorcing me. It’s a sad time but when everything is sorted hopefully it will be a relief. Solicitors come at a cost, £350 an hour but unless you’re amicable which he isn’t, they’re a necessity. Good luck

It becomes a norm Patsy70 and we tend to do what we always did it’s a thing you get used to You know it s not right but the alternative seems very scary You know the old saying ‘better the devil you know’ that’s how it seems to work in a lot of brains. Others who haven’t ever suffered abuse of any kind scratched their heads and wonder why the abused doesn’t just walk away …if only life was that simple

Definitely not pathetic. You must be an amazing person. If ever you feel like you need to talk, please post here.

I feel so sad that you are being bullied by your husband of 40 years. How you have put up with his abusive behaviour I really don’t know, but I will say that you are certainly not pathetic. Heed some of the advice given on this thread. Tell your children, show them these comments and seek legal advice. I honestly can’t imagine him changing his ways, even with counselling therapy. Be brave. Please keep us updated. 💐

Chuck him out or leave him - go to a place of safety perhaps your family or a woman’s shelter. Stop putting up with his abuse you deserve a better life. It won’t be easy - good luck

You have been with this man for over forty years?

I managed 20 and that was tough. In the early days we went to counselling, our children from being young were aware we weren't a happy family and I suspect your children felt the same.
These actions and your compliance have an impact, even if you don't see it others do, trust me.
I thought my ex would be enraged when I told him I wanted to separate (he divorced me a few years later) but he wasn't.

He quietly went to pieces and has since passed away. We remained friendly towards each other for the children, and I am sad he didn't live to see his little granddaughter. It is all very sad but in the end we couldn't carry on. I was doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship and it sounds as if you are too.

I wish you well whatever you decide. You are far from alone. I know lots of women who have stayed for the convenience. That is their choice too.

Elevator, I lived in a similar marriage and my health suffered due to the stress.
I finally went to a marriage counsellor and within 4/5 sessions I could no longer deny that I was living with a selfish, narcissistic man-child.

I agree with others that your children must have some knowledge of the power dynamics which go on in your home. I would definitely explain how your feeling to them and take any support they can offer.

I would start a little nest egg of your own, keep records and get a solicitor.
Life is too short to put up with this type of control. Good luck.

EkevAtor, I am so sorry for your situation. My oldest friend left her husband of over 50 years, she has a small apartment now just how she wants it, she said she wished she had done it years ago and is now so happy. You are entitled to half of everything even his pension, whatever he says to the contrary.. First you show this post to your children. It's the truth but say you want your own life. You could have twenty years, pluck up the courage and go. All you have to lose is more of the same.

Please keep replies on here maybe show to your adult children. My friend suffered the same as you but she arranged sheltered accommodation temporarily and packed things in her car bit by bit and one night in darkness she just left him and was so happy.
Life was good for her her adult children in their 30s and 40s were on her side when she told them what she had done. She got half his pension and half the house and eventually bought a flat.

go to your GP surgery and ask for 'Talking Therapies'. very good to poor out everything to someone not connected, helps release the load so you can think more clearly on how to go forward.
don't waste your life, you deserve to be treated much better.

Please tell your children. You are being abused and you have got used to that! His house -how dare he say that!!
Ordering you to bed , what !!
You have been given sound advise , I hope that helps and I wish you luck. You are worth so much more than this.

Thank you so much for all the kind advice. It’s just been so helpful to share this. I’m going to take all points on board. Thank you so much x

I left my husband after 35 years, we are in our 60s. My kids knew exactly what was going on, they were on the receiving end to but to my shame I didn't find a way to leave until the damage had been done and they were young adults.

Financially it has been a mess and I worry about the future. But my mum died before she could leave my abusive father, and I wanted to do this for her, and also show my girls that this is not ok, you don't have to live like this. So I have my self respect if nothing else. Some people were supportive, some were not. I suppose you have to ask yourself honestly do you want to live like this for ever?

I expect your children already know what their father is like . It would be impossible to grow up in a house with your parents and not be aware of the atmosphere or hear some of the things he's said and done over the years .

You could use a secret online diary such as Penzu which is free to us.

...and if you do choose to write a diary - keep it well hidden!!! Voice of experience time here - sometimes diaries get found.....
and their "privacy" is not respected.

Please start keeping a paper trail. Write a diary for yourself for 2 weeks and then ask yourself "Would I be happy for my child to be in this relationship?"

Then you also have the evidence you need to seek support. It can be I credibly difficult to describe abuse but if it is right there on paper, you have something to refer to.

Put a plan in place, get some money put by, work out how you can get out and move forward safely.

Keep reading these comments, they are correct. You have no idea how happy you could be without being dragged down by a man who never deserved you.

This is coercive behaviour.

Elevator this is a criminal offence nowadays.

Hi,

First off—you don’t "need your bumps feeling." You’re not crazy, overly sensitive, or to blame for his behavior. After 12 years (and two previous marriages!), you’ve got the wisdom to know this isn’t how love should feel. Switching off to survive isn’t indifference it’s self-preservation.