Just need someone to talk to

Much of your post is about what other people might think. You deserve a happy life, whether that's with someone else or alone. Have you tried to tell him he's out of order? If so, what was his reaction? If not, why not? Are you scared of him? It's no way to live. If you don't want to confront him because of his reaction, that tells you all you need to know regarding your relationship.
If it was me, I would be getting legal advice. I would quietly get my 'ducks in a row 'by looking for paperwork ie pension material and bank account details.
The best of luck to you

I don’t think you’re pathetic at all. Your life is a very sad one and I am sure you are very unhappy. People will say, ’leave him’, but that’s easy to say but not so easy to do.
You’re not going to like this, but I seriously think you should tell your children. Apart from anything else, they need to know in case anything untoward happens. You don’t say he is physically abusive, but e could well be if provoked.
I also think you should not be in this marriage. I very seldom advise leaving a marriage but what you are going through is unbelievably cruel. That said, it’s your house so you should definitely not leave it.
Have you threatened him with telling your children? That might frighten him, but I doubt it. Maybe a male member could have a talk to him and advise him of the error of his ways. He needs to know that what he is doing is common knowledge within the family.
It is obvious that this is no marriage and I would advise you to take steps to end it. See a solicitor for advice, but as I said, don’t leave your house.
Is it possible he has mental issues?
I hope you can se a way to resolve this. I’m sure you will get loads of advice.
You are worth much more than this living hell with a big bully! Good luck and please keep us in the loop. We care!

So sorry for your situation what a charmer your husband is.
From your description you really have three choices
Carry on as you are and just totally blank his bad behavior.
Pull him up every time and challenge his comments and make no secret to the rest of the family how badly he treats you.
See a good solicitor and get rid life's too short to be so unhappy.
Wishing you well

Elevator this is no way to live. As others have said get legal advice about your options. If you own the house you are in a stronger position.
Your husband is a bully and is making you unhappy.
You deserve a better life than this.

Thank you so much. That is so kind. Honestly just having these replies has made me more determined to do something. Funnily enough I’m not unhappy - I’m just a happy person generally but I guess I am deep down with the situation. The house is owned by us but in his name only ( more control?) so of course it’s always ‘this is my house, my this, my that’.
I will take your advice and will try and tell the children. I just don’t want to worry them. But thank you for the advice and comments it’s really helped.

You say you just paper over the cracks and carry on living (your) happy little life Elevator but are you really happy? Can anyone be, living with an abusive husband?

Unless he only behaves this way when you're alone, never does and never has been like this in front of your children, other family members and friends, do you honestly believe that no one else sees what he's like?

You could discover that if you do talk to your children you wont be bursting a bubble because they already know but haven't said anything because you never have .

This person is not much of a companion for you. It's especially difficult for you when you share children and grandchildren and possibly finances too.

Have you always been afraid of him? You seem to be unable to protect yourself against his bullying, in which case you need help. You could try couple counselling, however get your legal and financial options sorted first, secretly, then do the couple counselling ---if he is willing!

Couple counselling is not recommended where one party is abusive.

I was on the domestic violence register for the last 3 years of my marriage and my abusive husband's life. You are a victim of domestic violence, not sure if you have accepted that and you really do need someone to talk to but choose carefully. Fortunately for me a work colleague guessed what was happening to me and she became my saviour. I could talk openly with her and knew she would keep it to herself. Bit by bit she showed me that there could be life after him. I eventually mustered up the courage to pack every scrap of his existence from my home when he was holed up in a fellow drunk's flat on a week long bender. I piled the bin liners outside the flat door, rang the bell and went home to get the locks changed. The relief for me and my children was immense.
You have to do what is right for you despite what others think. Like my friend, your family may have already joined the dots and kept their thoughts to themselves because it is a very difficult subject to discuss.
I wish you every luck in the world for your future because you do have one, you know.

Good point Welbeck.

Believe me -you are not alone .
The worst thing about being abused is the feeling of deep shame and embarrassment .
It isolates you .
Abuse happens to one in four women in the UK .
Some women seem to have happy even privileged lives ,but in reality suffer from the constant fear of the next onslaught .
Abuse is always physical-it's often mental and /or verbal .
It comes in many forms .
The abuser is an expert at disguising his abuse .
In reality,he is a coward - terrified of losing you ,but constantly controlling you .

Look it up on the net .
If you fear that he checks up on you -and most abusers do-take care to delete.
Better still , go to your local library and use their computer .
You'll begin to understand your terrible situation and how you can escape from it .
Take great care .
Wishing you luck in this .
Be clever.
Be brave .
And take heart .

It is good you recognise it as abuse. If you want to leave you need to involve specialist services such as women's aid who will make these steps easier for you.

Sorry to hear this and fingers crossed for you to be able to get yourself sorted with a happier life than this.

I'm wondering how old you both are. You could have years to go yet of him being like this if you don't resolve it one way or another - and he ain't going to change and so there's no chance of resolving it by that happening. Resolving it seems to boil down to divorcing him from what you say and it sounds like you're going to have to divorce him to get your share of the house.

Not knowing what age you are but the average British woman lives to 83 (82 years 10 months to be precise) and the average British man to 79 (I think). So I'm imagining you're likely to have at least 10 more years with him if you leave things unresolved. That's a long time to be unhappy/put down/etc.

As someone said "Get your ducks in a row" (eg necessary paperwork, figuring out what your income situation is likely to be etc) and I wouldnt tell anyone until you've got that safely sorted out (as it's difficult to know just who can be trusted to keep their mouth shut out of your family and you don't want anyone letting on what's what to him until you've secured your position).

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Like others I suggest you take advice from a family law solicitor. In the meanwhile get all your important documents together and any statements of finance, joint and individual.
You say you don’t want to burden friends or family, but getting support from someone would be helpful.
You have been a victim of domestic abuse for long enough, time to live your life on your terms.Good luck.

Please leave ASAP.

Volunteer with Carers of people living with dementia. One carer said to me last week, 'I should have left him years ago but I stayed for the children and now he has dementia - how do I leave him now?'

Please don't let that be you.

Call a solicitor, take time - your ducks in a row, LTB.

"my children and grandchildren would be so upset if they could see his behaviour."

I certainly hope so. They should be upset, outraged, absolutely furious with HIM.

The solution is in your own hands. Tell them.

Someone 'ordering me to bed/be on your way' Big red flag - sounds like a nasty so and so.... you're not happy..you're delusional...get advice re finances/house etc...keep safe!

I couldn’t personally live like this. It’s not about you’re grandchildren children it’s really about you and you’re husband and how he is treating you is disgusting behaviour, I would seek legal advice as living on eggs shells from the time you wake up and merely having to put on an act would be enough for me, you are worth so much more, and yes I would tell my children and I certainly do not think you are pathetic these type of men would wear anyone down.

I think seeing a family law sollicitor is a good idea. A big snag however is the cost as I'm sure your husband would pick up on this expense in your bank statements. So that would create an even more stressful situation...
I think that telling your children might be your best option. Yes it might shatter their opinion of their dad but think how they would feel if they found out and realized what you had gone through all those years...
Getting your kids behind you will make you feel not alone and together you will find a way forward..

I would tell the children. let them know what he's like, they maybe know already. your life is just as important as his, get some legal advise, get your wages , pensions sorted , you deserve to be happy.and I agree with what Esmay said....these people are usually cowards, they think they can treat women as they like....please get the help you deserve now...wishing you the very best...

I'm really sorry to read your post. I know of someone who was in a similar situation and never had the courage to leave. She passed away first and never experienced a moments peace. You say you love your home. Your home should be your sanctuary but clearly isn't. Flip your situation around - if you found out that one of your children was living the life you have then what would you tell them to do? I'm sure it wouldn't be to just accept it and put on a good front. No-one is given life only for their life to be sucked out of them by a lowlife such as your husband. Like past posts have said please contact women's aid and delete your online searches. In fact, delete all history on your phone,tablet,pc whatever and always use an Incognito search engine. I know it's far from easy to start a new life but it's got to be a better new life than you've had for 40yrs. I send my heartfelt goodbye wishes to you.

Good wishes not goodbye wishes.

Your comments about him telling you it's his house etc, you really need legal advice as that isn't the case if you have been married for a long time. Do not go to mediation as it is not advised when there is domestic abuse. Tell him nothing until you are clear what you are doing. Have someone with you when you do tell him if he might kick off.