Why no Friends

Through our village Facebook spotted page, I started a weekly coffee group in our local cafe and it's been really well received and we have all made new friends, we just turn up, no organising.

Bereavement can make people want to shut themselves away. I would say don’t write this friend off, she’s probably going through stuff.

Hi all, I'm in Meetups to meet new people in my area.
I'm in London E18.
When and where are the next Meetups?

I may be wrong but very close friendships are often made in younger years. It depends what you want from friendship. I have been going to a Tai Chi class very locally. I am the oldest by many a long year but I know all twelve participants very well now and we meet up afterwards sometimes and chat when we see each other around the village but ar not buddies in each others pockets.. There are lots of activities in the village that I attend too. Joining a group whether knit and natter, a choir or walking group you don’t have to be very sociable but listen, and enjoy. Many advocate U3A, I found local groups that I tried on retirement, very unwelcoming having been formed long ago but that was just my experience. I also was a volunteer for many years which was very enjoyable. . There usually is a local voluntary services organisation who can point you in the direction of groups you probably never knew existed, all doing helpful activities in the community. Relax and do something you really enjoy and a level of friendship will follow.

Me too! I reckon we may be aliens? Or alternatively we try to hard and frighten people away?? However, "if you can't do the journey with people of quality then you are better doing it alone" . That's my motto anyway.

Denise14
You are not alone. I meet with a group of people men and women for walking activities. The group chats, has a coffee, but no after meet activities. There are very few in the group who have a partner, mainly widows so you'd think friendships would thrive, but no. Really feel it is nothing to do with personality, it's just life nowadays.

Oh how I wish we lived near each other - your just the sort of friend I'd love. I too am always the one "who'll do" If you actually find a solution I'd love to hear it. In the meantime know your not alone. Sending hugs.

I avoid women only groups as I find they are often very cliquey and although you can join you will never be friends. Mixed groups tend to be more welcoming and easier to make friends both male and female.

I belong to National Women's Register. We meet in each others homes for discussions. Once a month we meet in a café for coffee and chat. Friendships have grown for me as a member of the group. It's a slow process over the years but suddenly you realise some of the women have become real friends, not just friendly acquaintances.
Later this year I shall be moving to a completely different area of the country. I've already contacted the local organiser of National Women's Register. She's emailed me and we've enjoyed a long telephone chat. The members of the NWR group she runs are looking forward to meeting me.
If there's a group in your area why not give them a call or email HQ. Easy to find online.
Later this year

I'm guessing it's about boundaries. You're perhaps coming across as trying too hard and it makes other people feel uncomfortable.

On the one hand you " go out of my way for friends", but you also say you have nobody close. Perhaps these "friends" consider you more of an acquaintance or find your offers and gifts rather pushy and intrusive.

At the gym (or anywhere else), if some unknown walked in and commented on my outfit or perfume ....... I would steer well clear.

Thanks for all your messages. You know what, I’m going to stop being so nice and helpful. I’m going to back off. It’s in my nature to be helpful. I try and treat others as I’d like to be treated. Maybe I am seen as “needy”

I’m going to change. I have nothing to lose, x

Funny thing, all the other women you know feel exactly the same!

I think that some people are 'doers' and others more passive. It can be annoying to be the one who always organises things and makes the effort, but I don't think it's personal, and I'd be very surprised if jealousy is very often the reason why some hold back - it's just that they are made that way.

When I left F/T work I carried on working P/T to ease me into retirement, but Covid struck, and my P/T work turned out to be 99% home based even after lockdown. I no longer had my old colleagues around, and the friends I had at home were locked down too. I decided that when we could all get out again I would build up my social circle, and I have done that.

I joined a few social groups and went along to things whether I really fancied them or not. I set up a couple of groups of my own, as waiting for others to do the heavy lifting is not my style. They took time to establish, but are now doing well. If there is nothing you fancy in your area, you could set something up - a book club or walking group are good places to start, as you don't need to pay for a venue (you can meet in a library or pub), and there are no start-up costs, but you could look at more specialist groups if they don't appeal.

There are groups (usually FB based) specially for women who want to meet others. Someone suggests going to X place at Y date and books a table, and you put your name down and go*. I have made good friends as well as acquaintances that way, and have organised meet-ups for others. It doesn't happen overnight, but I now have a wide group of people who I could suggest meeting for coffee or a night out, and have even been on holiday with a small group of women I met through a social group.

Again, if there is no such group in your area you could start one. It just takes a post on the local FB page saying that you'd like to start up a coffee meeting at a local venue if anyone is interested. The chances are you will get a lot of replies, and if not you can post again to say that you will be at the venue at a given time if anyone wants to just turn up. You can take it from there when you see who goes and what their interests are. Theatre/cinema visits are a good start, as are Sunday lunches. A lot of people who are divorced or widowed miss having people to do those things with, and others may have partners who work away or are less sociable than they are.

It might feel a bit contrived at first, but you can make connections surprisingly quickly, and it's often the case that others are as nervous as you about making contact.

*If you say you are going to attend something, do turn up, as too often organisers are let down by people backing out at the last minute, and that is not the way to make friends.

I'm so sorry you're having that experience
Yes possibly trying too hard - if you come across as needy it. could make people uneasy which is a shame as I'm sure you're lovely. shared interests can cement friendships and I really wish that for you. x

I fully understand. My DH is still here but isn't particularly bothered about having friends. When newly married (53 years) most of my teenage friends also married/moved away so lost touch. We made a few close friends with other couples but children and broken marriages caused contact to decline, and later on careers. In my case I drove 50 miles each way to work and ended up buying a flat to live in 3 days a week. Retiring meant no colleagues remained friends other than on Facebook.

We joined our local u3a where I am Treasurer. We've just got back from a monthly open meeting where we spoke to several people, some gave us hugs, but all were buzzing off to lunch with others so we came home alone.

I fully understand the difficulties of making new friends when your partner is no longer with you, but it can be just as difficult finding friends who are couples at our age.

My best friend of 40 years died two years ago. We shared buckets of life together but I couldn't attend her funeral as we were overseas. Imagine my hurt when my DD brought me a copy of the funeral card to see "Special thanks to Jenny, Pat's best friend". Of course I knew Jenny too, It was quite a shock to me. And a year later I saw on the FB page of Pat's DIL a photo of the family and Jenny having a meal "to remember Pat".

Another "close"friend of 40 years (we were two of a team of 4 who went to the weekly pub quiz for abt 30 years), children of same age still in touch, told me the group had decided not to continue with the quizzes at that pub but were looking for a different pub. They found one, but never told me and instead invited a different person to take my place. I asked what I had done wrong and she said "You know full well". I didn't have a clue. I asked the other two and they said they thought I had said I didn't want to join them any more. Why?

Last year I had cancer treatment and was housebound for several months. Only two people ever phoned me to ask how I was. And only twice each. No-one to ask if I needed a lift. Now my DH is becoming severely disabled, several medical appointments to attend and unable to drive, but not a soul is interested.

Over the years I've been proactive in many local organisations, volunteering for things in the village. Loads of people "know" me, but don't get in touch. I was often told I was the sort of person folks could call on if they needed help with anything (and sometimes people still do), but even so, no friends as such.

We aren't stuffy people, not posh nor poor. People do know we have connection to a particular political party but have never really brought it up in conversation (either us or them) and in fact DH's closest friend is an ex-councillor of exactly the opposite party to the one we support and it has never interfered with their friendship, rather they chuckle about it.

So I clearly have no advice to offer anyone cos it is all a mystery to me. And very disappointing.

Unfortunately, I think there can still be jealousy amongst women, even as we get older! A few years ago, when I was on my own, I joined a Meet Up Group. The lady leader was lovely and very welcoming, but one or two of the other women were very unfriendly towards me. I now have a male partner and he says they were just jealous of me! I only have two or three very close female friends who I’ve known for years.

I personally get fed up that I am always the one suggesting things to do but my friends tell me that is one of the things they like about me.

Same here with my husband and holidays.
It irritated me until I realised it means we go where I choose, although obviously I wouldn't book something he wouldn't enjoy 😎

I have no friends at all ....Im not bothered , like me or dont like me its all the same to me ...

Although I enjoy meeting up with friends sometimes I am happy mostly doing things I enjoy on my own. I love walking and meet the same people and stop for a chat.

My neighbour when she was new to the area met someone on the bus. She invited her for coffee and have been friends ever since.
It may not always work but it just might.

I honestly have no idea why you are finding this. I would be friendly if I met you. Last year was very difficult for me. I had such a bad knee that we ended up moving from our little cottage in a village to a ground floor flat in town. I only had 3 close friends. One died of cancer in March and another moved temporarily to help with a seriously ill grandchild. I am lucky that I have my husband and am close to my 3 daughters, but I was feeling very low. During this time I joined a new yoga class and was literally embraced by the women there. I was immediately invited for coffee after the class, and this has continued for the past year. They are all so friendly to anyone who comes to the class. I really hope you manage to find something similar soon.

I’ve made lots of friends through playing ukulele! Just a suggestion!
Also I’ve realised as I get older , I don’t like people who are over familiar. Might you be that? ( I’m sure you’re not but maybe sth to think about? )

Same here. I have people who, if I arrange, will meet up but if I do not - nothing.

You sound like the perfect friend. But maybe that is the problem. I think some people feel threatened by overtly friendly people and maybe find them a bit 'needy'. I am like you, I go out of my way to be a friend, but I have found that this worries some people, so now I wait for them to make the first move.

Try joining U3A, friendly people there

I wonder if you are so nice that you make your friends feel guilty?

Perhaps tyou should do a little less?