Why no Friends

I don't have an answer sadly but feel the same

I moved 10 years ago and don't have any real friends here.

An old friend of 30 years sent me a birthday card and a WhatsApp message last week. We live a plane ride away but used to meet a couple of times a year. Haven't seen each other for almost 3 years, so I suggested we make plans to meet up.
That was a week ago, no response, I've given up

It's very sad. Are people busy with their own families, grandchildren? Did people change during covid? I truly don't know
When my first husband died in 2007 I had so many friends and so much support. If my current husband dies I won't have anyone to take me to his funeral

You sound lovely I hope you make some friends who appreciate you

I do understand this…….I lived alone for some years before meeting MrA but I was working FT so didn’t really notice the lack of friends.
Now retired, I live with my best friend but cannot say that I have a close and special female friend.
I am chatty and friendly too and was referred to a wellness programme by my GP. Got chatting to one person in particular who is now stalking me……they don’t like me talking to anyone else in the group, they’re so negative about the wellness programme and seem to be trying to manipulate my input and interaction to the group. This is getting quite intense and embarrassing to be honest so perhaps……be careful what you wish for OP. I wasn’t looking for a special friendship with anyone but seemingly by being chatty and friendly I have attracted this very needy person who now wants to continue to meet up after the course has finished.

Hello and welcome to GN.
I'm sorry to hear that you are finding it hard to find friends because you sound like the perfect friend.
Are you in the UK? If you are perhaps you could tell us which county you're in. Then possibly you could meet up with someone else from GN in the same/similar area.
Good luck, I hope you have a few new friends before long.

You sound like a lovely person.
People are strange. A friend of 45 years just dropped me , after she lost her husband. I drove down several times to see her, took her flowers and food, rang every 2 days, but she doesn’t seem to want to keep in touch. So I have now given up trying to contact her.
Even with family, you find one minute your flavour of the month, next, not even a phone call.
None so queer as folk.
Welcome to Gransnet Denise14

Have you tried meeting up with members on Gransnet in your area? Sometimes there are meet ups.
Or volunteering is a really good way to meet people and make friends.
You sound like a really nice person but please don’t think everyone has lots of friends, they really don’t, there are a lot of lonely people out there.
A neighbour of mine a while ago volunteered to visit patients in hospital who never had any visitors. When my OH was in hospital for two months earlier this year I saw these patients and felt really bad that they had nobody so would chat to them as well as sitting with my OH.
I wish you well.

Denise
Hello and welcome to GN.

I think it's sometimes hard to make friends as people get older. I have two special friends and lots of acquaintances which suits me.

Do you have a supportive family as that can make a big difference.

Could you be trying too hard? It might be seen as a bit off-putting by eg the gym ladies? Just keep going. It takes time to build up a friendship group.
Just an example, my aunt has recently moved to sheltered housing. When I asked about the social life there she surprised me by saying that she was suspicious of over friendly types too soon. She'd rather take her time and get to know people slowly.

It’s probably easier for a man you can go to the pub for a pint or two, not so easy for women to walk into a pub alone. My wife maintains links with former work colleagues and does something most weeks, but she’s very outgoing and has a lot of acquaintances.

I don't bother anymore and to be honest I got fed up of doing all the messaging/ arranging etc. I stopped, it was very interesting seeing who actually got in touch with me. I very often find the folk who moan about ' never seeing anybody' expect everybody else to do all the contacting and organising. I now go places myself and it's actually better. I got sick of 'flaky ' friends. I also got the impression more than a few always waited to see if there was a 'better option' hence they wait ages to reply to you, then they are telling you how they were at XYZ with so and so and so and so. I'm not doing it anymore. Covid did not help, but I now prefer my own company.

Agree

It is definitely much harder to make new friends in later life.
People are settled in their ways and don't need anyone else.

I have found that a mixture of volunteering, U3A, other interest groups and, in my case, hosting volunteers, has kept me busy and not lonely since DH died 4¾ years ago.
Gransnet has been brilliant too and the meetups.

I have lots of friends but no bestie.
My friends have their own other friends .
One reason I wouldn't want to move away from this area is due to having to find a new network.

I do try to be welcoming to newcomers but I don't like the idea of being latched onto either.
Could it be that you are over friendly
Denise? Could you be trying too hard?

I'm going for a walk later today with a friend who is about to leave the area for ever. She will be a big miss.

I'm sorry you feel like this. I can't really advise as I don't enjoy the whole friends thing. I have a few but they usually contact me. When they suggest meeting up my heart sinks. To me it's a chore.

You sound a lovely lady, but you sound a little needy, rushing to everyones aid, always there with a little gift, this constant kindness, compliments etc, if overddone can actually frighten people off, afraid that if they befriended you you might be a clinger.

To make friends, you need to find people that share your intersts, your viewpoints, or have a similar history.

We moved a month ago, 100 miles to somewhere we do not know or whare we only know our daughter, and the last thing she wants is lonely needy parents. So DH and I have sat down and studied the town, read the Facebook pages, gone online, read leaflets in the library to find activities that we, together and separately enjoy doing. Some are formal; classes U3A, volunteering, others are informal knit & natters, the Community hub. informaal walk groups.

Some of the things we join will be failures, but others, we hope will lead to friendships. I do not know any other way to make friends.

I have, or had where we used to live, a handful of close friends and a wide circle of acquaintances where we share an interest, who I would chat to if I met them in the street. There was also a community cafe in the village hall one day a week and a community allotment.

I do know how sad it is when you feel friendless but GN does provide a circle of virtual friends and as the result of meet-ups, several have become friends.

When OH and I were younger, we had lots of friends that we met up with at the weekend ,even went on holiday with, but as we all got older we sort of drifted away, the GC came along and they took up our time, meeting up at weekends faded away then stopped altogether, now neither my OH or I want to go out now we're in our 80's, content to be at home ,or sometimes go for a meal with the family,I also know that some folk are now on their own and would like some company, perhaps volunteer work would be an option, hope you find something Denise you sound such a lovely person.

I’d be your friend. You sound lovely to me. True friends are few and far between 😔 probably these people are quite shallow, or too busy with their own lives

It is quite different when you are on your own though M0nica.
You lose confidence very quickly with nobody to come home to.
Good luck with settling in to your new place, together

Where are you? If you’re near, we could meet for coffee?

I’ve been at my gym for 18 months now. I just stay quiet and don’t try anymore. I tried for a year then realised it wasn’t going to happen.

I made new friends when I retired by joining a local art class. The book Let Them by Mel Robbins has a lot of advice on making friends. I personally get fed up that I am always the one suggesting things to do but my friends tell me that is one of the things they like about me.

It’s a shame but I don’t think people go to the gym to meet others. You may prefer a more low key community group so a local fitness class in the village hall for example. I find then that people always want a drink afterwards and you can strike up a chat. Don’t take it personally. It would seem people often want insular lives these days. (Another option is to volunteer for something…)

Mt61

I’d be your friend. You sound lovely to me. True friends are few and far between 😔 probably these people are quite shallow, or too busy with their own lives

Also if you stop being a yes person, perhaps people will respect you more. Been there. Now I’ve grown a back bone & just say no, plus I can’t manage now.

Go to church. You don;t have to be religeous but will find lovely friendly people who actually want you to come to church and be friends with you.

Lots of great advice.
David I have never had a problem walking into a pub for a drink, they’re not a male only institution.
I have two very good female friends, my longest very good friend is male..