Stuck between

Another one sending a virtual hug.,like you hate atmosphere or arguing. I am taking time out before there is none of me left.

I recognise this - and although I don’t cry, episodes like this dominate my thoughts and keep me awake. I definitely overthink things; and get too upset about things that are said to me. (Even sometimes by strangers!)

Finally, the penny has dropped and I am working hard to let things go, not hold onto them or let them spoil my days. It’s work in progress. I would say to try to keep a little list in mind of things that make you feel better - meeting good, sympathetic friends, being outdoors, curling up with a book and a cuppa or planning an outing with DH all work for me. I do have to work hard to let the negative thoughts go and focus on enjoying the moment but am getting better at it.

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to drive to our nearest coast, walked on the beach and took a picnic supper. It felt very indulgent - it was all about us - but it cost nothing more than the petrol. I felt tons better when we got back, with a sense of what really mattered. We were only 40 miles away but briefly out of reach and it felt like another country!

Sometimes we need to learn to invest more in ourselves. I genuinely think that in the long term, it will improve my relationships with others, as I’ll be less resentful of the hurt they sometimes cause, even when they don’t mean too.

I hope you are feeling better soon - you are getting lots of virtual hugs on here at least. 🤗

It sounds like these issues that upset you were pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things and yet you spent a whole afternoon crying. As a previous poster said maybe you could get help with modifying your reaction. You do sound really down and perhaps could do with limiting yourself a bit to your lovely husband’s company for now, and maybe friends, to give DD and DM time to reflect on why you’re not available so much. I guess they are both good company in other ways so, if you want to see them as before, be firmly prepared not to be drawn into their minor squabbles and unkindnesses. I’ve had to learn to keep out of arguments - not easy keeping quiet - but they can’t argue with someone who isn’t reacting. I also once read on GN about saying something calmly like ‘did you mean to sound so cross/ unkind/ rude etc?’ That one’s a great idea but a bit harder for me to do. I’m keeping it in reserve for when the occasion really needs it. Sometimes I just raise my eyebrows which can work too Good luck.

Virtual hugs
Hug DH and let him hug you.

I agree with grans here that you need to not contact her for a while, just sit back and wait for her and perhaps be less available for a while.
While you just have to accept and not feel hurt by her lack of filters (have you considered mild autism?), you need not to allow your daughter to be rude to you. When she says something, treat her like the 4-year old she is acting and tell her:
"That is so rude", "there is no need to speak to me like that", or "if you are going to be rude, I am not going to listen" and with the last one, walk away. How about "I taught you better than that"

As to mum, she will be a bit grumpy - it comes to many with age sadly often as a side effect of isolation, meds or pain. Be slower responding to her demands - you have made a rod for your own back by being there for her all the time. If the problem is that it is always you, then see what you can do to expand her support network before she affects your health.

Several women I know walk on egg shells round their adult daughters - and it seems a potentially challenging relationship, more so than mothers and adult sons. I speculate that it is because the daughter is like mum - she is also a woman after all - and needs to establish her independence as an adult. So she is hyper alert to mother treating her in a way she (daughter) can interpret as 'treating me like a child' - hence the egg shells. If anything like this is going on, it is worth stepping back, giving daughter space, and know that the days when she was a child and close to you as a child are over. The best hope is for you to be able to let her go , have your own life, be friendly if or when your daughter gets in touch, and hold back from being what she may well see as interfering , when you thought all you were being was loving and helpful. I wish you well and am sorry about your pain - I hope you can create a rewarding life independent of whatever your daughter does. Stepping back gives you space as well as your daughter.

Unfortunately when you are a sensitive person or people pleaser you get put on by others who are less so. I understand where you are coming from and have had so many similar experiences. It's hard to change who you are and impossible to change others. You have to be kind to yourself. I found the 'Let Them Theory' by Mel Robbins a big help. Saved me some sleepless anxious nights.

I can understand how you feel because I have severe anxiety myself and I find confrontations absolutely destroy me....however after a lifetime of abuse I now make a stand.
I need peace in my life to stay well so I stay away from people who upset me. As for family upsetting me I now tell them that it's best they just leave me alone.
Take care of yourself

Exhaussted,, I so know where you are! I am a lot like you, but working on it... the advice here is so correct, but easier said than done..

I read a lot of hints/tips on my computer.. Stoicism, and lots of daily hints/prayers etc. come in.. they help me a lot.. I say small mantras to myself.. I meditate... and on and on.. I so understand what you are saying, but the advice here is to be listened to and work on it...
I go to a board and the graphic I use is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

stoicism... Do I have control of this? no, only my reaction! I have had to think and think this through and keep working on it... best wishes Exhausted... think on the advice here , it may not happen overnight but we can do it..

keepingquiet

Why are you allowing these women to do this to you?
Why are you allowing yourself to do this to yourself?

Positive relationships always work two ways- it seems as if your the one doing all the work and I'm wondering why.

You write about hugs, don't you get them from your DH?

Why do you want hugs from people who clearly don't enjoy them? Everyone has a right to their own physical space.

Sometimes I hug people, and sometimes I don't. You just have to gauge the signs and not take it so personally. A forced hug is no hug.

It seems to me there is more going on than you are saying- especially around your need for validation from two people who don't see it as an issue.

People are entitled to their own space and their own feelings, but relying so much on others to make you feel happy is not healthy for you or them.

You will harm these relationships more if you don't stand back a little. Let them be who they are, distressing as it may be.

I think if you give yourself time to think it will become clear how you should move forward...

👍👍👍

Sounds like you and DH live apart from Mum and DD so why spend so much time around them?

Perhaps ask yourself why you keep getting into situations with selfish rude hurtful people who regularly make you cry for hours. They are not going to change their behaviour.

You can change your behaviour.

This cycle of abuse is wrong, it's harming you. You need to recognise that, and apologise to yourself for keep banging your head on the brick wall built by your mother and your daughter topped off with their Humpty Dumpty fucking eggshells .

That's the only apology you're going to get.

Stamp Humpty Dumpty flat and walk away from that brick wall.

I am truly sorry that your DM and DD are causing you so much strife. They are adults and are responsible for their own behaviour. They must be aware how they are making you feel. Unfortunately people treat you the way you permit them, purely by putting up with it. I don’t say this to be unkind, but for you to consider just how much you will tolerate before you tell yourself you do not deserve it and won’t put up with it anymore. It sounds as if they give you no consideration whatsoever, so consider yourself to be worthy of much more and don’t put up with their behaviour. At the very least you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and consideration. I wish you well .

Don't let either of them bully you and certainly don't let yjem make you cry. Stand up for yourself and they'll both respect you more.

Step back and wait on either contacting you. If they don't, well tells you a lot about how they view you. If they do, contact should be on your terms eg reason why and do you accept. Your DD may being having problems but treating people with a bit of respect won't make her issues worse, could well help them. Life is too short to try to accommodate these behaviours when making you ill.

Exhausted01 I can identify with your situation. Try to feel positive about the person you are and want to be. I hope you have a good friend who can support you and who you can talk to. You are not alone and there are good people out there who are kind and thoughtful, I hope you encounter them. Sending my support...and a hug!

They do it to you because you let them, take back control, I learnt this bitter lesson after a 20 yr coercive relationship, try finding a free NHS talking therapies website for your area to help support you, because the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have in your life. wishing you all the best, you deserve more than being treated like this!

I feel your pain, Exhausted01 and found myself in a similar situation with my DD and DM. Both of them behave badly, never apologise and walk back into your life after a while without referring to their behaviour again so just expect you to accept it. I remember sobbing my heart out on a number of occasions. I eventually went to Time to Talk to try to understand how to deal with this. They gave me the strength to have a little cry and then carry on with my life without all the self recriminations and anxiety. Now I shrug my shoulders and get on with life until they deign to return to the fold, so to speak. Life is too short to let toxic behaviour drag you down. You can't stop them but you can take back control with the way you respond to it. These are people who would only get disgruntled again if you try to talk about their bad behaviour once they've calmed down so I don't even bother. There have been many times when I wondered whether going No Contact with my Mum might give me more peace but in the end I decided she is who she is but I won't give her the power to hurt me any more.
Maybe you could find a talking therapy in your area.

You need a bit of help and a lot of support- I hope you find both soon

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I do understand that I get too emotional about it all but it's just the way I am. I can't help it.
I suffer with anxiety and probably depression ( I take medication )
I just feel overwhelmed a lot with life and it's responsibilities .

keepingquiet

Why are you allowing these women to do this to you?
Why are you allowing yourself to do this to yourself?

Positive relationships always work two ways- it seems as if your the one doing all the work and I'm wondering why.

You write about hugs, don't you get them from your DH?

Why do you want hugs from people who clearly don't enjoy them? Everyone has a right to their own physical space.

Sometimes I hug people, and sometimes I don't. You just have to gauge the signs and not take it so personally. A forced hug is no hug.

It seems to me there is more going on than you are saying- especially around your need for validation from two people who don't see it as an issue.

People are entitled to their own space and their own feelings, but relying so much on others to make you feel happy is not healthy for you or them.

You will harm these relationships more if you don't stand back a little. Let them be who they are, distressing as it may be.

I think if you give yourself time to think it will become clear how you should move forward...

Thank you x

You can’t change what happens to you, but you can change how you react to things.
Nor should you bear responsibility for your mother & daughter’s personality issues.
Instead of feeling so upset by your mother and daughter that you spend the entire afternoon crying about it, tell yourself that you won’t allow them to hurt you any more, and spend the afternoon doing something that makes you feel good, whether it’s shopping for something nice, pottering in the garden or whatever.
Spending a whole day crying because your DD was unpleasant to you isn’t normal and if your husband can’t or won’t support you, perhaps you should see a counsellor who might be able to help you put things in proportion.

Good advice here - Can’t add more but here are some good luck

The more you make yourself available the more they will use you as an emotional punchbag, get on with your life, start thinking of what you want to do and try to make it happen. Life is just too short.
As soon as they realise you actually have a life outside of their personal situations they will have to think again.
Leave them to it.
All the best xx

Smileless2012

The next time there's a situation, tell whoever's responsible that you've had enough and wont tolerate it any longer.

Give your DD a wide berth for a while and adopt a cooler approach with your mum. The only way you can do something about this is by changing your behaviour because you wont be able to change theirs.

Good luck .

Thank you x

fancythat

I would ignore DD for a few days.

Up to you how you handle your mum.
You know her best.
Not sure she is going to change now, unfortunately.

Thank you x

The next time there's a situation, tell whoever's responsible that you've had enough and wont tolerate it any longer.

Give your DD a wide berth for a while and adopt a cooler approach with your mum. The only way you can do something about this is by changing your behaviour because you wont be able to change theirs.

Good luck .