Stuck between

I totally understand how you feel…….it’s almost as though we have to be hard as nails and a kicking board for everyone else to snap and snarl at! And it is draining, hurtful and completely unacceptable. Been there, done that, got countless tee shirts OP!
My advice……sit back and say nothing, don’t ask how anyone is, don’t make comments on behaviour and only when the storm has passed and someone ask after you explain how you feel. Sending a hug in the hope it makes you feel a little better and keep in touch with GN……we won’t snap and snarl.

Thank you so much.
I need a hug and the 2 people I need it from don't hug.
Hubby is amazing but his Mum does hug and isn't like my Mum and he has a totally different relationship than me with DD ( in a good way ) so he just doesn't get it.
I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with DD and I've had enough .
Can't believe I'm not even allowed to ask how shes feeling!! What a terrible Mum i am ..........
I purposely haven't contacted her but it's killing me.

Why are you allowing these women to do this to you?
Why are you allowing yourself to do this to yourself?

Positive relationships always work two ways- it seems as if your the one doing all the work and I'm wondering why.

You write about hugs, don't you get them from your DH?

Why do you want hugs from people who clearly don't enjoy them? Everyone has a right to their own physical space.

Sometimes I hug people, and sometimes I don't. You just have to gauge the signs and not take it so personally. A forced hug is no hug.

It seems to me there is more going on than you are saying- especially around your need for validation from two people who don't see it as an issue.

People are entitled to their own space and their own feelings, but relying so much on others to make you feel happy is not healthy for you or them.

You will harm these relationships more if you don't stand back a little. Let them be who they are, distressing as it may be.

I think if you give yourself time to think it will become clear how you should move forward...

I would ignore DD for a few days.

Up to you how you handle your mum.
You know her best.
Not sure she is going to change now, unfortunately.

The next time there's a situation, tell whoever's responsible that you've had enough and wont tolerate it any longer.

Give your DD a wide berth for a while and adopt a cooler approach with your mum. The only way you can do something about this is by changing your behaviour because you wont be able to change theirs.

Good luck .

fancythat

I would ignore DD for a few days.

Up to you how you handle your mum.
You know her best.
Not sure she is going to change now, unfortunately.

Thank you x

Smileless2012

The next time there's a situation, tell whoever's responsible that you've had enough and wont tolerate it any longer.

Give your DD a wide berth for a while and adopt a cooler approach with your mum. The only way you can do something about this is by changing your behaviour because you wont be able to change theirs.

Good luck .

Thank you x

The more you make yourself available the more they will use you as an emotional punchbag, get on with your life, start thinking of what you want to do and try to make it happen. Life is just too short.
As soon as they realise you actually have a life outside of their personal situations they will have to think again.
Leave them to it.
All the best xx

Good advice here - Can’t add more but here are some good luck

You can’t change what happens to you, but you can change how you react to things.
Nor should you bear responsibility for your mother & daughter’s personality issues.
Instead of feeling so upset by your mother and daughter that you spend the entire afternoon crying about it, tell yourself that you won’t allow them to hurt you any more, and spend the afternoon doing something that makes you feel good, whether it’s shopping for something nice, pottering in the garden or whatever.
Spending a whole day crying because your DD was unpleasant to you isn’t normal and if your husband can’t or won’t support you, perhaps you should see a counsellor who might be able to help you put things in proportion.

keepingquiet

Why are you allowing these women to do this to you?
Why are you allowing yourself to do this to yourself?

Positive relationships always work two ways- it seems as if your the one doing all the work and I'm wondering why.

You write about hugs, don't you get them from your DH?

Why do you want hugs from people who clearly don't enjoy them? Everyone has a right to their own physical space.

Sometimes I hug people, and sometimes I don't. You just have to gauge the signs and not take it so personally. A forced hug is no hug.

It seems to me there is more going on than you are saying- especially around your need for validation from two people who don't see it as an issue.

People are entitled to their own space and their own feelings, but relying so much on others to make you feel happy is not healthy for you or them.

You will harm these relationships more if you don't stand back a little. Let them be who they are, distressing as it may be.

I think if you give yourself time to think it will become clear how you should move forward...

Thank you x

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I do understand that I get too emotional about it all but it's just the way I am. I can't help it.
I suffer with anxiety and probably depression ( I take medication )
I just feel overwhelmed a lot with life and it's responsibilities .

You need a bit of help and a lot of support- I hope you find both soon

I feel your pain, Exhausted01 and found myself in a similar situation with my DD and DM. Both of them behave badly, never apologise and walk back into your life after a while without referring to their behaviour again so just expect you to accept it. I remember sobbing my heart out on a number of occasions. I eventually went to Time to Talk to try to understand how to deal with this. They gave me the strength to have a little cry and then carry on with my life without all the self recriminations and anxiety. Now I shrug my shoulders and get on with life until they deign to return to the fold, so to speak. Life is too short to let toxic behaviour drag you down. You can't stop them but you can take back control with the way you respond to it. These are people who would only get disgruntled again if you try to talk about their bad behaviour once they've calmed down so I don't even bother. There have been many times when I wondered whether going No Contact with my Mum might give me more peace but in the end I decided she is who she is but I won't give her the power to hurt me any more.
Maybe you could find a talking therapy in your area.

They do it to you because you let them, take back control, I learnt this bitter lesson after a 20 yr coercive relationship, try finding a free NHS talking therapies website for your area to help support you, because the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have in your life. wishing you all the best, you deserve more than being treated like this!

Exhausted01 I can identify with your situation. Try to feel positive about the person you are and want to be. I hope you have a good friend who can support you and who you can talk to. You are not alone and there are good people out there who are kind and thoughtful, I hope you encounter them. Sending my support...and a hug!

Step back and wait on either contacting you. If they don't, well tells you a lot about how they view you. If they do, contact should be on your terms eg reason why and do you accept. Your DD may being having problems but treating people with a bit of respect won't make her issues worse, could well help them. Life is too short to try to accommodate these behaviours when making you ill.

Don't let either of them bully you and certainly don't let yjem make you cry. Stand up for yourself and they'll both respect you more.

I am truly sorry that your DM and DD are causing you so much strife. They are adults and are responsible for their own behaviour. They must be aware how they are making you feel. Unfortunately people treat you the way you permit them, purely by putting up with it. I don’t say this to be unkind, but for you to consider just how much you will tolerate before you tell yourself you do not deserve it and won’t put up with it anymore. It sounds as if they give you no consideration whatsoever, so consider yourself to be worthy of much more and don’t put up with their behaviour. At the very least you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and consideration. I wish you well .

Sounds like you and DH live apart from Mum and DD so why spend so much time around them?

Perhaps ask yourself why you keep getting into situations with selfish rude hurtful people who regularly make you cry for hours. They are not going to change their behaviour.

You can change your behaviour.

This cycle of abuse is wrong, it's harming you. You need to recognise that, and apologise to yourself for keep banging your head on the brick wall built by your mother and your daughter topped off with their Humpty Dumpty fucking eggshells .

That's the only apology you're going to get.

Stamp Humpty Dumpty flat and walk away from that brick wall.

keepingquiet

Why are you allowing these women to do this to you?
Why are you allowing yourself to do this to yourself?

Positive relationships always work two ways- it seems as if your the one doing all the work and I'm wondering why.

You write about hugs, don't you get them from your DH?

Why do you want hugs from people who clearly don't enjoy them? Everyone has a right to their own physical space.

Sometimes I hug people, and sometimes I don't. You just have to gauge the signs and not take it so personally. A forced hug is no hug.

It seems to me there is more going on than you are saying- especially around your need for validation from two people who don't see it as an issue.

People are entitled to their own space and their own feelings, but relying so much on others to make you feel happy is not healthy for you or them.

You will harm these relationships more if you don't stand back a little. Let them be who they are, distressing as it may be.

I think if you give yourself time to think it will become clear how you should move forward...

👍👍👍

Exhaussted,, I so know where you are! I am a lot like you, but working on it... the advice here is so correct, but easier said than done..

I read a lot of hints/tips on my computer.. Stoicism, and lots of daily hints/prayers etc. come in.. they help me a lot.. I say small mantras to myself.. I meditate... and on and on.. I so understand what you are saying, but the advice here is to be listened to and work on it...
I go to a board and the graphic I use is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

stoicism... Do I have control of this? no, only my reaction! I have had to think and think this through and keep working on it... best wishes Exhausted... think on the advice here , it may not happen overnight but we can do it..

I can understand how you feel because I have severe anxiety myself and I find confrontations absolutely destroy me....however after a lifetime of abuse I now make a stand.
I need peace in my life to stay well so I stay away from people who upset me. As for family upsetting me I now tell them that it's best they just leave me alone.
Take care of yourself

Unfortunately when you are a sensitive person or people pleaser you get put on by others who are less so. I understand where you are coming from and have had so many similar experiences. It's hard to change who you are and impossible to change others. You have to be kind to yourself. I found the 'Let Them Theory' by Mel Robbins a big help. Saved me some sleepless anxious nights.