Adult kids trying to run our lives

NotSpaghetti

CariadAgain we currently have my mother-in-law living at home (with support) after a stroke.
It would be a lot cheaper for her to be in a care home.
I have looked at several options recently but she is much happier at home.

PM me if you want to know the weekly costs!

I know weekly costs are expensive too....as my mother had to have carers for a couple of months come the end.....and I'd also specified to my erstwhile brother that "She's to have the best ones"....

CariadAgain we currently have my mother-in-law living at home (with support) after a stroke.
It would be a lot cheaper for her to be in a care home.
I have looked at several options recently but she is much happier at home.

PM me if you want to know the weekly costs!

Wyllow3 the OP clearly stated at 14:25 yesterday that trusts, POA etc are in place and the AC are aware.

Flippinheck

Is the OP in the USA? If so maybe assisted living is cheaper there than in the UK. In the UK the vultures comment would hardly be relevant as any sort of assisted living costs a fortune and would certainly reduce the value of any potential estate.

That's what I'm thinking re whether it's a case of "children" after the money. If they were after the money = they'd be doing their darndest not to see any of it spent on moving house or going into care or the like. So I'd say it's more a case of interpreting their moves as wondering how OP and her husband are going to manage at a "care" level - so could possibly be an element of genuine "concern for welfare"?

I'm watching from afar re an elderly widow neighbour of mine now. It's "from afar" because she's been a right wotname to me literally since Day 1 (the day she moved in). That move was a downsize - from a rather big/VERY big house if I've figured out correctly which one was her previous house.

Something has clearly happened recently - and my guess is something like heart attack/then few days in hospital. She's back now. Her adult children have been coming and going like no-one's business/it's obvious there's been some sort of adaptation work done on her home/there's now a carer coming several times daily. Obviously something major has happened healthwise - and downsizing isn't an option (as she's in a 2 bedroom bungalow anyway etc) and it's my estimate the "children" have come to the conclusion of keeping her in that bungalow partly so that none of the equity tied-up in that bungalow vanishes into carehome costs. Point being = Care home costs are expensive - the one that I chose for my father back in 2020 (when everyone was insisting he went in one - including his wife/my mother) was £1,000 or so a week.

Is the OP in the USA? If so maybe assisted living is cheaper there than in the UK. In the UK the vultures comment would hardly be relevant as any sort of assisted living costs a fortune and would certainly reduce the value of any potential estate.

Ours know what our thoughts/plans are too (vague though they still are - because of my mother-in-law).

Maybe this is key. They know our trajectory at least - and are happy for us to do what suits us best.

NotSpaghetti

^They have no right whatsoever to discuss your business amongst themselves^

Eloethan does anyone really think this?
We talk to my husband's step sister about his mother.
Our children talk about us.

The thing they shouldn't do is dictate what we can/can't do.

Mine do discuss the future but they know exactly what my/our plans are, we don’t know when or how and not sensed any pushback. I’ve been open deliberately because I’ve seen so many other families fall apart over bereavement and inheritance

"We've decided that you should ..." statements would cause me problems too - it's this that is the problem though, surely, not the chatting?

NotSpaghetti

^They have no right whatsoever to discuss your business amongst themselves^

Eloethan does anyone really think this?
We talk to my husband's step sister about his mother.
Our children talk about us.

The thing they shouldn't do is dictate what we can/can't do.

Yes, I do. My partners' children are forever having discussions about their parents (and other family members). It gets reported back as "We've decided that you should ..." statements.

It's got the stage when I hold back from giving my partner personal snippets of information because I don't trust him not tell his children, who then discuss it and decide what's best. It's actually causing problems.

I agree, I would be very sad if they didn't care and discuss my well being and vice versa.

They have no right whatsoever to discuss your business amongst themselves

Eloethan does anyone really think this?
We talk to my husband's step sister about his mother.
Our children talk about us.

The thing they shouldn't do is dictate what we can/can't do.

You love your house so you stay where you are. You make it quite clear to all the family that you and your DH are very happy where you are and that you have no intention of moving anywhere for now and you could tell the family that it’s none of their business.

It’s for you to decide what happens to your DH should he need help in the future and when you are no longer able to care for him. It’s your home and should anything happen to your DH it’s up to you to do what you like with your house. No one can force you to sell it.

It might be an idea to give your solicitor a call just to make sure your wills are up to date.

Yes I like that one too.

I don't think there is enough information given to start calling people vultures. Why don't you just get the wills sorted so they know what each one will get?

It's simple for me: its me, one son. If I meet someone else I will keep DS and DiL money for them protected.

I am intending to downsize to McCarthy and Stone next year as I don't want to have to look after a small but old house anymore and big garden that needs this and that doing that I cant really afford anyway and I want time to enjoy friends and crafts.

So AC perfectly happy.

My Mum said to me when she was 65, "let me know when you thin I should downsize, I will get stuck".

But she got stuck in a 4 bedroomed house crammed with Stuff after all. There was always a reason not to act. The Stuff was overwhelming her.

O/P, are all the A/C clear about what the wills are regarding money? surely clear information now upfront will stop any greed and grabbing if its crystal clear in the wills?

David49 I hope you don't mind my asking, but was that arrangement difficult to arrange? I'm in a similar situation at the moment, especially regarding the house where I'm intending to live. I sense that my partners' children don't like the plans and are trying to dissuade my partner. It's actually causing tension. They're trying to arrange themselves as Powers of Attorney by excluding me. As it happens, my partner is likely to outlive me and I'm not a money-grabber. All I want is some security if he should die before me. There is no question that the house will eventually go to the children.

SueDonim

Thank them for their interest and that they’ve raised some points to consider. Then tell them you’ll certainly give the ideas some thought --before dismissing them out of hand.--

Good idea SueDonim.

Having done hospital car for ten years, I have seen the problems that a sudden illness or perhaps no longer being able to drive or whatever can have, if you have not thought about this sort of situation. I am an extremely independant person and have no intention of letting someone choose where I live as long as I can help it. So although it was very painful to leave my house that I had lived in for over 20 years, I decided that independance was the most important thing. After carefully thinking of the possible problems that might arise etc, I have moved to a ground floor flat on the outskirts of a town with a railway station, hospital, and buses etc, so that as far as possible I am sorted for as long as I keep going on my own. So in your case I would ignore the rude and ignorant attitude of his children, but spend some time firstly thinking on your own and then together, considering how you would be able to cope if one of those things happened to you such as not being able to drive etc. When you have thought things through you may either think of a plan to arrange for someone to come into your present home to do the things that you now find difficult, or you might decide that for independance you need to move. But this should be between the two of you and ignore directions from these interfering children. You married each other, and have a good relationship, so know that you can talk to each other and make your decisions, without "help" from them. Perhaps you might give them a taste of their own medicine and if they come round, suggest that they could leave their homes and move elsewhere!! Well whether you do that or just nod and ignore everything they say doesnt matter as long as you two carry on living your life in the best way you can and together . Good luck.

Vultures obviously.
I've seen it several times.
Well donefor being aware and taking self protective measures.

If they made a point of coming to see you from time to time I think I would take their comments as probably showing concern for your future wellbeing.

However, since you say none of the adult children come round to see you or check if you are OK, I think they are merely concerned that they might be required to be more proactive at some stage. They have no right whatsoever to discuss your business amongst themselves and try to dictate how you should conduct your lives.

It is completely up to you where you want to live. And if, at some stage, you do require significant assistance you can always buy in help. Since their only input appears to have been to make you feel pressured and insecure, I think you need to concentrate on providing for yourselves, if necessary by means of equity release. If that means what you leave is diminished or dissipated, so be it.

Regarding my, altho regretable vulture comment, I too have seen some unfortunate situations at already difficult times. The ACs seldom/never come around so how can they know how we live? We've already learned that if we need something we can't do such as changing light bulbs in tall ceilings, we call someone. We dont call on them to help us out anymore. We've been disappointed when they dont show up or totally forget. So no worries now since I've found people happy to help and we pay them well. The only chore not covered is cooking but I love cooking and when I dont, I can have caters prepare for us. We also eat out several times a week and I pay attention to nutrition. No fast food ever. I know we aren't the only ones with these concerns. I was just surprised and hurt by the sudden comment being passed around by my H's AD. Too many people get dropped off at care facilities and family rarely seen after that.

On the other hand, how many threads we see of posters who have challenging situations with parents who do not see the full picture of their lives and the ACs are trying to help?

Not saying this is the case here

Grammaretto

Well said SueDonim.
Sorry you have to put up with this staggering ageism 2Understand.

I'm sure all the kids think they are
helping but it isn't for them to dictate your future.

I hope it isn't the vultures circling but you could be forgiven for suspecting it is.

I think you should take notice of the vulture comment. Hope not, but l have seen some really awful incidents of power plays by money grabbing realtives of friends over the years.

Dont trust them or give them an inch

🤞🌻🧚

Hope your situation improves.

Thank you to all for your insights. I realized I am fine financially but dont want to leave our house although in the worse case scenario it does go to me. We have all the POA's and trusts set up as of several years ago. My H has already advised the AK that they will be passed over for the grandkids' education. Having had faced my own siblings issues over inheritance when my parents passed I see now I may be particularly sensitive. Thank you again.

I know exactly where you’re coming from and it sounds like vultures circling, I have a second younger wife all the family like her, however I have anticipated and change in sentiment and everyone knows who gets what in the will.
My wife gets the house for her lifespan plus personal cash ( she has her own pension etc) , my family get the rest.

It’s very important everyone knows where they stand, first families have many worries about inheritance, they have to understand that nobody is “entitled” to anything except a spouse, so rock the boat and you may get nothing.

Bluebelle nails it.

It's up to your husband to set his adult kids straight on how the decision will be made. He needs to correct them on that if it is bothering you.

You could tell all the AC involved that your living arrangements are between the two of you and you will let them know if you decide to make changes.

To me it sounds like they are concerned. I would assume positive intent. If I were your adult kids I would be concerned that there isn't a plan in place in case something does happen and your current arrangements suddenly aren't feasible. Maybe the two of you could make a plan (if you haven't) and share it with your AC to give them peace of mind. You can tell them it's decided and not up for discussion at that point.

That could bring peace of mind for all involved instead of allowing the adult kids to worry, even if you personally feel their worry is misplaced.