Boring Husband and my retirement

Your situation sounds exactly like my parents'. My father could go for days (weeks!) without speaking to my mother - and to me, when I still lived at home - in a sulk/blanking us because we'd done something wrong or had displeased him. My mother was basically an unpaid and unappreciated skivvy. They did nothing together, he wasn't even pleasant to her most of the time, I could never understood why she stayed and she ended up as his carer, before he finally had to go into a home and died a few years ago. So please don't let this happen to you. As others have said, you only have one life, so think carefully about how you want your retirement to be and don't let him ruin it!

RosieandherMaw

Frogoet

Leave! I ended up stuck with a severely disabled husband and spend all my time doing things on my own because he’s so miserable
Currently doing the rounds of A n E as he won’t stay in hospital.
Escape and live!
I’m still considering it but now it’s so v complicated in every way.

I am speechless.
And if it had been the other way round, Frogoet ?
I think my days on GN have to be numbered I cannot believe the women who blame their husbands for eg being severely disabled and unable to do things with them. But more important, nor do I feel I belong with this mindset.
Am I just old fashioned?
“Sickness and in health “ works both ways. I was constantly in awe of my old dad’s devotion to my mum as she grew increasingly disabled - and not infrequently grumpy with it. When she was in hospital he would trek over by bus - by then well into his 80’s-to visit her every day “because it’s what you do” when you love somebody.
Speaking personally I often had to go to things on my own as Paw ‘s health declined and I admit I enjoyed them apart from regretting that he was missing out.
But that’s what you do
Now at 77 after 7 years on my own I still miss him as much as when he died and miss his company but the callous advice to “escape and live!” simply horrifies me.

Absolutely with you on this one RosieandherMaw. Very difficult to read such comments especially as a widow who tried so hard to do her very best for her DH when he was so ill. After 3 yrs I still feel guilty that maybe there was more I could have done to help him.

Cossy

vanessahumphries

Crossstitchfan
Take no notice. You haven't done anything wrong x

👏👍

Thank you. 💐 You, and others like you who have contacted me either openly or privately, have made me feel a lot better and I think I’ll stay here for a while and see how it goes. I love being on here and was devastated when it seemed to be crumbling around my ears.
A new day, a fresh start, I think!

vanessahumphries

Crossstitchfan
Take no notice. You haven't done anything wrong x

Thank you for that. I couldn’t see that I had but it’s lovely to know that someone is supportive and kind.

Let’s not fall out over jokey comments, a bit of humour sometimes helps, I have a very immature and puerile SOH.

I find the majority of posters and members here very straight, kind and supportive, especially long standing Gransnetters.

We’ve lost enough lovely people, take a deep breath and please stay, directed at anyone wanting to leave.

Embrace our differences, debate, but don’t personally insult each other.

Wishing you all a good day

vanessahumphries

Crossstitchfan
Take no notice. You haven't done anything wrong x

👏👍

Frogoet

Leave! I ended up stuck with a severely disabled husband and spend all my time doing things on my own because he’s so miserable
Currently doing the rounds of A n E as he won’t stay in hospital.
Escape and live!
I’m still considering it but now it’s so v complicated in every way.

Sorry, but there’s a world of difference between “boring” and “severely disabled”, I cannot believe you wrote this!

Perhaps you’re not coping well and need some help mentally, it’s a terrible thing to write.

do you drive then go for a drive on your own, my partner is a bit like this we do sometimes go for a drive he leaves it all to me to do but he does do the washing up your husband needs a wake up call go on strike dont cook him his dinner don't clear up after him and tell him exactly how you feel maybe it will help maybe not

Tenko

I really sympathise with you Blis1234, and echo what others have said. Speak to your DH about how you feel and if he’s not responsive or willing to change . Start living your own life . Join U3A and find some interests. Do volunteering. I volunteer in a charity shop and have meet many different people . Join a yoga or Pilates class . The smaller classes tend to be friendlier than the big leisure centre classes . Do you have friends or family you could talk to ? .
Crossstitchfan, I found your itching powder comment amusing.

So did I! Xx

It must be awful, Worse than being in your own. ,My friend split up with her husband after more than fifty years together and she has never been happier.If thats too hard to start by not cooking his meals or washing, he might notice that and do make a life for yourself, book a holiday, before you know it life will have passed you by.

Get Yourself on a Solo Holiday to enjoy Your Retirement or shake Him into action. I have had some great Solo Holidays with Passion for cruises and solo holiday forum on FB. They set a page up when booked so You can "chat" with others going on same trip

I've had many of "those" conversations with my DH in the last 20 years and he seems to listedn and agree to do more, but nothing changes.

I realised that really I had been doing almost everything in the house/garden and the rest for most of our 53 years together. As well as a full-time, demanding job and even a part-time self-employed role at the same time. Now he's disabled, getting worse by the day - and ignores all the advice from the medics/me/internet about exercise and diet, and isn't really capable of contributing to our life any more.

We do watch TV together, and we do go on holidays (might be impossible in the future) IF I do all the organsing/packing/planning. Yes, he's a decent man to the outside world, but not to me.

As for any physical relationship, he moved out of our bed about 35 years ago, purportedly because I snored, and never came back. No discussion, no evidence of him missing me, no mention since (though I have questioned him about it). Funny, but we do holiday together (but all planned and executed by me) and he declares I no longer snore!

I am not divorcing him (should have done so years ago) but I do have my own hobbies and interests, some of which he does come to even though he contributes nothing.

It's unsatisfactory, but it's my choice for now. If/when he is bedbound I might re-think - but at my age I will probably stick it out.

Oh, it wouldn't bother him if I didn't cook/clean/wash and iron/tidy up - he would just live like a pig. If we aren't going out anywhere he doesn't even comb his hair, never mind shower. And no he isn't depressed, just bone idle.

Can you talk to him….perhaps at dinner say that now you’re both not working, can he at least help clear up after the meal, for example. Also, perhaps suggest you find one thing you’d both like to do every week, or every fortnight….maybe a walk, or a museum, or cinema, or whatever you can agree on. It doesn’t have to be a big thing and you don’t have to change everything all at once. It may be he also isn’t that happy but doesn’t know how to change it. This would be a start and at least get a conversation going. I don’t think being confrontational is going to achieve anything. If you can find a way to spend a little time together, the rest might slot into place, so to speak. Remember this is a new phase in life and may take a bit of working at. I wouldn’t necessarily write it all off until you’ve tried a few things.

Is there any point of being together...seems you are treated as a 'servant' and at his Beck and call. I think you have to have a serious chat with him about your future.....and what plans it holds for you both

If your husband knows you're not going to put up with the life you have anymore, it might be the kick up the backside he needs or he may even agree to a divorce, either way, it's no good bemoaning your plight on GN, you need to do something about it yourself.

Actually I think bemoaning your plight on GN is a very good place to start: to use other people's opinions as a sounding board, help put our grievances into context and hopefully find some good advice and suggestions to improve the situation!

Blis1234 here's to a more positive future, whatever you choose to do to change things 👍🏻

Frogoet

Leave! I ended up stuck with a severely disabled husband and spend all my time doing things on my own because he’s so miserable
Currently doing the rounds of A n E as he won’t stay in hospital.
Escape and live!
I’m still considering it but now it’s so v complicated in every way.

I am speechless.
And if it had been the other way round, Frogoet ?
I think my days on GN have to be numbered I cannot believe the women who blame their husbands for eg being severely disabled and unable to do things with them. But more important, nor do I feel I belong with this mindset.
Am I just old fashioned?
“Sickness and in health “ works both ways. I was constantly in awe of my old dad’s devotion to my mum as she grew increasingly disabled - and not infrequently grumpy with it. When she was in hospital he would trek over by bus - by then well into his 80’s-to visit her every day “because it’s what you do” when you love somebody.
Speaking personally I often had to go to things on my own as Paw ‘s health declined and I admit I enjoyed them apart from regretting that he was missing out.
But that’s what you do
Now at 77 after 7 years on my own I still miss him as much as when he died and miss his company but the callous advice to “escape and live!” simply horrifies me.

Leave! I ended up stuck with a severely disabled husband and spend all my time doing things on my own because he’s so miserable
Currently doing the rounds of A n E as he won’t stay in hospital.
Escape and live!
I’m still considering it but now it’s so v complicated in every way.

Unfortunately my hubby is the same so I have started meeting up with friends for coffee or lunch and have starting volunteering where I have met some lovely people

I agreewuth you. Get out there and join a few low cost or free groups. Then budget for a few nice coffee mornings or trips with those people. There's an App called MeetUp its not a dating site just a friendship group. You can join groups in your area. Or if you have a Facebook account the age group UK Friendship groups do meetings in different areas. You have to be a bit careful because some of the meetings get arranged in restaurants that can get a bit pricey so check their menus before arranging to go if thats going to be a problem.

Crossstitchfan
Take no notice. You haven't done anything wrong x

Take no notice hunny

I don’t see you have to do everything at once as the situation has obviously gone on a longtime but been masked by work. Start by trying a few clubs etc whatever you fancy. Let that settle in and deal with any come back from that, then perhaps find out what your position would be if you did part. Make sure you know where paperwork and so on is
As you come to that point tell him you have had enough of his behaviour and see what is said. At some point someone is going to have to break the silence and talk.
Good luck

I think the first thing you should do is talk to him. Decide exactly what you think of the current situation and put it to him as clearly and unemotionally as you can. Then depending on his reaction, if any, you need to decide what exactly you are prepared to do in the way of domestic duties and what you expect him to do for himself in the future and let him know in no uncertain times. Whatever you decide you must stick to!
It sounds as if maybe you don't drive ( hence him driving you to the shops) which might make things more difficult for you to get out and about on your own but I hope very much that you manage this and start to enjoy your retirement.
The best outcome might well to leave him but that is a huge step and depends on so many other things especially your financial situation. Whatever you decide, good luck.

Sounds like time to move on. You also have a life to live and should go out and start a new one. Joining U3A and various groups and clubs is a beginning and will hopefully allow you to find out what you want in life. I would certainly not cook, clean or bother acknowledging someone who continually undermined my self confidence and happiness. As long as you are seemingly tolerating such behaviour, it will continue.

Join a few clubs. Enjoy yourself. Don't wash up after dinner unless you do it together.
I've just read your further piece. It sounds like an abuse situation. Abuse isn't necessarily physical violence. It can be silence, demands that you do something, i.e. have meal on table ready, refusal to do anything you suggest.
Been there, got the t-shirt. Now moved on and very happy with lovely new DH. We were both "old" when we met. Life can get better, but only you can make it happen.