Husband doesn’t want sex

REPORTED

We never want to discuss this topic im afraid :-(

Reported.

Mt61. Don't know either but sounds like a very nasty remark

I knew my wife and her ex husband socially and was really surprised she divorced him, they seemed a contented couple.

When the divorce was settled asked her for a date, we got on very well and I asked her "why" she divorced him.
" I haven't had a cuddle for 10 yrs " --
" I can fix that" so we cuddle every day, I very quickly found out there is nothing wrong with her libido.

My own theory is that it's all about "happy hormones" intimacy releases many of the tensions in life

Hmmmm going to go out on a limb here please don’t bite my head off.

My married colleague was in a similar situation to how many of you have outlined, she missed the intimacy & loved her husband. Through her work she met a nice guy and they got on well, you already know where this going so I’ll spare you the details. Once or twice a month she spends an afternoon/evening and sometimes the night with him.
Anyhow my point is it’s been positive for her she looks well and happy and to cap it all she’s told me she’s more tolerant with her hubby.
Not for everybody I appreciate just saying it’s a consideration.

DesperateMeasures2

All very interesting…
There is no option of splitting up & neither if us would want to.
We hear so much about women who don’t want sex (& their husbands always want to tell us 🙄) that it seems an alien situation. I just WISH he would honestly say that he doesn’t want to, rather than pretending that he does.
For my part it seems that I am just going to have to live with that part of my marriage being over- honestly I just can’t see the appeal anymore of a bit of a ‘grope’ that’s promised ‘sometime’.
Maybe when I have come to terms with not really fancying him anymore I will feel less upset. I think it’s particularly upsetting me because it’s come about because of rejection.
And - of course any poor person who has been widowed would probably still love being able to live with their partner.
Mt61 how wonderful that you can talk to your mum- Ive found it so difficult to know who to talk to.
I dont think viagra works by GIVING a man desire- he has to be willing.
I think I have to just let go…
I never expected to be in this ‘position’ 🥲

I honestly do think you’ll have to let go, and concentrate on the positives in your marriage instead.Men rarely want to discuss loss of libido and medical issues/ medication can have an effect on them.It’s more often women grumbling that their partner is too ready for sex as they age than the other way round than your problem.Sex incompatibility can be a problem in any marriage, and not just for older people but if you love each other you can put up with it.Hugs and being tactile are important tho.

How sad for you all, I have the opposite issue! However, we still share a bed, share hugs and kisses every day.

I do hope you all find mutually acceptable solutions, we resolved our issue in the bedroom through a lot of talking and attempting to see the other persons viewpoint.

Sometimes, men seem to think affection and sex are the same thing.

This is an old thread

My partner of 8yrs who struggles showing affection from childhood neglect refused any form of sexual intimacy last night.
His reason is he has no feeling down below and it has been shrinking in size.
Viagra didn't work
Meds are to blame
And now I have to accept I will have the feeling of him inside me again.
I suppose its part of growing in age im 67 he is 72

If neither of you don't want sex that's fine but when it's only one of you that will not get better, what's the point of living like that. The trouble is that it's not easy finding a partner past 50 so if you leave him you won't be fighting men off.

I think I know how you all feel. Although in my case it's the intimate touching I miss! The cuddles are still there but at times when we're in bed I'm silently saying "touch me".Maybe I should be saying it out loud!! It,s just as well.we can at least talk about these problems on here!😉

Hi - I don't think there is a win-win solution OP. I am in a similar boat I'm afraid - it was great pre-children then has got progressively worse and worse over time. We have talked endlessly at times - and tried a therapist twice. But I think we are fundamental incompatible sex wise - and being middle 50's has made this worse due to the ravages of time. I would say the use it or lose it is true - I have never lost it (sometimes it's more than I was in my 30s...) but my DP seems to go months and months without even thinking about it. Sometimes I get really down - if I could afford it I'd leave as life is too short.

DesperateMeasures2

All very interesting…
There is no option of splitting up & neither if us would want to.
We hear so much about women who don’t want sex (& their husbands always want to tell us 🙄) that it seems an alien situation. I just WISH he would honestly say that he doesn’t want to, rather than pretending that he does.
For my part it seems that I am just going to have to live with that part of my marriage being over- honestly I just can’t see the appeal anymore of a bit of a ‘grope’ that’s promised ‘sometime’.
Maybe when I have come to terms with not really fancying him anymore I will feel less upset. I think it’s particularly upsetting me because it’s come about because of rejection.
And - of course any poor person who has been widowed would probably still love being able to live with their partner.
Mt61 how wonderful that you can talk to your mum- Ive found it so difficult to know who to talk to.
I dont think viagra works by GIVING a man desire- he has to be willing.
I think I have to just let go…
I never expected to be in this ‘position’ 🥲

Ahh thanks DM2. Yes good to be able to knock a few problems out with mum, she s a good listener, will guide rather than instruct.
Friends talk! Their friends talk! I don’t want my sex life to be the topic of their conversations. I’d rather they think of us swinging from the chandelier ha.

All very interesting…
There is no option of splitting up & neither if us would want to.
We hear so much about women who don’t want sex (& their husbands always want to tell us 🙄) that it seems an alien situation. I just WISH he would honestly say that he doesn’t want to, rather than pretending that he does.
For my part it seems that I am just going to have to live with that part of my marriage being over- honestly I just can’t see the appeal anymore of a bit of a ‘grope’ that’s promised ‘sometime’.
Maybe when I have come to terms with not really fancying him anymore I will feel less upset. I think it’s particularly upsetting me because it’s come about because of rejection.
And - of course any poor person who has been widowed would probably still love being able to live with their partner.
Mt61 how wonderful that you can talk to your mum- Ive found it so difficult to know who to talk to.
I dont think viagra works by GIVING a man desire- he has to be willing.
I think I have to just let go…
I never expected to be in this ‘position’ 🥲

Wow! I love these heart to heart comments. They are so useful and good to get tips from. I completely relate to what Lucky girl suggests. Often i think I would be teasing him if I made a real effort, skimpy clothes and smothering with kisses. I've never said this out loud before but I know that men only want a woman who will be ready for sexual relations rather than seeing that we want the build up much more than the full blown sex. I've probably not said that correctly or many people will disagree with that. My OH used to like me pouncing on him or running around the houses with no clothes om so he coukd catch me. I can't play that anymore

I told my Mum, she's 85 , she's been a widow for 16 years now . She was socked such a young man had no sex drive . In my case, I think my hubbie has health issues, he's a heavy smoker and that can cause impotence . It's the intimacy i miss the most

Luckygirl3

*My mum doesn’t think it’s right at 60 & 64* - I was fascinated by this from another poster - in my 60s I think I could have negotiated my own relationship problems without consulting my mother!!!

I am lucky that mum & I can talk about anything & everything. Rather her who I 100% trust.
I didn’t confine in her, it just came up in passing conversation.

My mum doesn’t think it’s right at 60 & 64 - I was fascinated by this from another poster - in my 60s I think I could have negotiated my own relationship problems without consulting my mother!!!

Sexual incompatibility is a challenge; but the bottom line is that no-one, male or female, should be having sex that they do not want. There is no escaping that basic fact.

If your OH feels unable to have sex any more, but is a loving person, you may have to "settle" for that. As a widow, it is a lot more than I have!

Just as for women, in this situation people become averse to physical contact because they fear it might lead to a demand for sexual activity that they feel unable to fulfil for whatever reason.

Tell him that you would like for you both to cuddle and have intimacy short of sex, and that if you put your arm round him or give him a kiss, you will not be pressing for more. This might lead eventually to sex, but it might not - but it has to come from him.

Get yourself a more up-to-date vibrator if you need to.

If you are still not happy after trying this as a new way of life, then you will have to decide whether it is a deal-breaker and you want to initiate a split.

Sex is not the whole of a relationship, but if there is too little of other things to bring happiness to the relationship then parting of the ways might be the way to go.

I saw your post last night, no one had responded, I didn’t want to be the first..
I have no desire anymore, not because I don’t love my husband, I love the bones of him. I think age, meds, knee & hip problems, it’s just too dam painful.
We sleep in the same bed, lots of cuddles, chats & laughs.
Now does it bother him? It doesn’t seem so to me.. but who knows 🤷‍♀️ he says not!
My mum doesn’t think it’s right at 60 & 64. My parents were having sex well into their early 70s.
Most of my friends have separate bedrooms from their husbands & a couple just like us.
Sorry I don’t know the answer to your problem- if you want it & he doesn’t, or vice, versa.
Can he not get viagra? I wish there was a pill for women. My HRT nurse says for women it’s all in the head, try porn 😳. She said, if you don’t use it, you loose it.

Ilovedogs22

It's quite hard (Excuse the pun!) to find a a decent lover as one gets older.
My Mother would go out on a mission, everyday! "Shopping."
Hoping to find her necessary groceries but more importantly
"A Man!"
She was desperate to find a new partner after my father died but despite her dogged determination it never really happened.
We did introduce her to my husband's uncle but the relationship was only platonic, much to her disappointment (She was a bit of a one!) Still it was better than being alone for her

What’s A bit of a one?

Oh gosh, so I am not alone after all!!
Interesting you say yours was very keen to begin with Debbi58 as that was definitely my experience too… it was SO good that although I didn’t expect it to continue at that level I certainly didn’t expect this.
My OH does want ‘hugs’ and brief kisses & to say ‘love you’ & get it back..& is really odd if I don’t respond ! I truly think he is just so wrapped up in how he feels all the time (he’s a terrible fusser with any ailment large or small) that he has just assumed I am Ready & Willing at a moment’s notice IF he decides he feels like it! I dont even remember when it last was…
Also- are any of yours sport obsessed? (Not participation these days) because I do think that, and/ or other obsessive hobbies contribute. I would say everything he does he is completely obsessed with particularly in the beginning..
he does have some ocd issues & has to take a few meds- I understand everything surrounding that; but back to my original post- avoidance of the Dr seems suspicious…
Anyone else feel heartily p—d off for all the effort they have put in during their own illnesses/ menopause etc?!!
Issues with taking a lover include- having SOME christian faith & feeling guilty because after all this is my second marriage so maybe Im not trying hard enough, & had other relationships in between marriages/ finding one! - the types my friend sees are pretty awful/ and not wanting to have to lie to him - because that just feels awful…
Please keep the feedback coming; I so appreciate it!

I'm so glad someone has been brave enough to post this . My situation is the same , I've been with my second husband for 17years. He had a high sex drive when we first met , I had trouble keeping up with him. However around 5 years ago, it all stopped. No conversation, no hugs , kisses etc. Hubbie was 54, I was 55. He flinches if I try and cuddle him , I was thinking the same as you , maybe he's gone off me. I'm still slim , get my hair done etc. Even my granddaughter's caught a man checking Nan out a few days ago. What really frustrates me is ,he just won't talk about it , or see a doctor

It's quite hard (Excuse the pun!) to find a a decent lover as one gets older.
My Mother would go out on a mission, everyday! "Shopping."
Hoping to find her necessary groceries but more importantly
"A Man!"
She was desperate to find a new partner after my father died but despite her dogged determination it never really happened.
We did introduce her to my husband's uncle but the relationship was only platonic, much to her disappointment (She was a bit of a one!) Still it was better than being alone for her