Husband doesn’t want sex

I can definitely relate to your situation but unfortunately I have no advice. The situation between my OH and me is very similar and for about the same number of years. I also feel so unhappy and often angry not only that there is no sex but no loving. Unfortunately my libido hasn't diminished and I have not found any substitute to relieve these feelings. I am not sure I actually fancy my OH any more either. I flinch if he touches me on the shoulder or arm just because the ultimate rejection has become so difficult to bear. I bear this situation as I don't think there is anything more I can do about it until my OH decides he wants to change the situation. Like your husband mine won't go to the doctor. He has ED and I think its due to a psychological issue but he won't entertain that notion to me. Should I leave him, I don't want to so I plod on I guess to death do we part.

Im so grateful to have a reply thankyou alig99. It’s the first time I’ve ever used these forums so I was worried no one would.
I do love my OH & as you say I wouldn’t want to leave. But now I feel different I feel like a hypocrite. I just can’t understand the way these men are thinking. If there’s a problem just TELL me- I have said so.
I don’t have a group of female friends to confide in but the general consensus seems to be that men never turn it down and that if you’re not getting it at home you’re entitled to go elsewhere. This isn’t my first marriage so Im not naive but I never expected this or signed up for it & I have told him so. His response is to just try & be nicer to me in other ways but it doesn’t help.
This might sound silly but I really hope I DONT end up fancying someone else because I wouldn’t be able to go through all the lies & upheaval. .. on the other hand, I miss the physical affection so much & a vibrator doesn’t help with that.

the more annoyed you get with him about it the less chance of resolving the issue... do you have hugs and affection for each other usually or is it becoming just wanting sex.. some mens libido is lower that others..... also as he has prostatitis is he sore.
I watch Dr Phil on You Tube and there was a case like yours on there and they wife was so angry with her husband.

I imagine that am awful lot of women in long term relationships have many of the sane issues you describe. My OH hasn't touched me for about 5 years. I have asked him to come to bed in the past (we sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring and very late bedtimes and early wake ups). I had to do something as I wasn't sleeping properly when we shared a bed, but he took that to mean I didn't want him near me, and the affection (hugs) and touching disappeared. I still wanted affection but he's just not interested and hasn't initiated it. When we see friends it's all hugs for them, I feel jealous and I know that's stupid. I know that if someone showed affection for me, I would now find it hard to reciprocate, something has died inside. I used to feel terribly hurt but now I'm numb. Not like the old me at all. What I would say to you is, you will have to find a way to cope with your husbands lack of affection. I wouldn't blame you if you took a lover.

Thankyou ladies, it helps to get your feedback.

It's quite hard (Excuse the pun!) to find a a decent lover as one gets older.
My Mother would go out on a mission, everyday! "Shopping."
Hoping to find her necessary groceries but more importantly
"A Man!"
She was desperate to find a new partner after my father died but despite her dogged determination it never really happened.
We did introduce her to my husband's uncle but the relationship was only platonic, much to her disappointment (She was a bit of a one!) Still it was better than being alone for her

I'm so glad someone has been brave enough to post this . My situation is the same , I've been with my second husband for 17years. He had a high sex drive when we first met , I had trouble keeping up with him. However around 5 years ago, it all stopped. No conversation, no hugs , kisses etc. Hubbie was 54, I was 55. He flinches if I try and cuddle him , I was thinking the same as you , maybe he's gone off me. I'm still slim , get my hair done etc. Even my granddaughter's caught a man checking Nan out a few days ago. What really frustrates me is ,he just won't talk about it , or see a doctor

Oh gosh, so I am not alone after all!!
Interesting you say yours was very keen to begin with Debbi58 as that was definitely my experience too… it was SO good that although I didn’t expect it to continue at that level I certainly didn’t expect this.
My OH does want ‘hugs’ and brief kisses & to say ‘love you’ & get it back..& is really odd if I don’t respond ! I truly think he is just so wrapped up in how he feels all the time (he’s a terrible fusser with any ailment large or small) that he has just assumed I am Ready & Willing at a moment’s notice IF he decides he feels like it! I dont even remember when it last was…
Also- are any of yours sport obsessed? (Not participation these days) because I do think that, and/ or other obsessive hobbies contribute. I would say everything he does he is completely obsessed with particularly in the beginning..
he does have some ocd issues & has to take a few meds- I understand everything surrounding that; but back to my original post- avoidance of the Dr seems suspicious…
Anyone else feel heartily p—d off for all the effort they have put in during their own illnesses/ menopause etc?!!
Issues with taking a lover include- having SOME christian faith & feeling guilty because after all this is my second marriage so maybe Im not trying hard enough, & had other relationships in between marriages/ finding one! - the types my friend sees are pretty awful/ and not wanting to have to lie to him - because that just feels awful…
Please keep the feedback coming; I so appreciate it!

Ilovedogs22

It's quite hard (Excuse the pun!) to find a a decent lover as one gets older.
My Mother would go out on a mission, everyday! "Shopping."
Hoping to find her necessary groceries but more importantly
"A Man!"
She was desperate to find a new partner after my father died but despite her dogged determination it never really happened.
We did introduce her to my husband's uncle but the relationship was only platonic, much to her disappointment (She was a bit of a one!) Still it was better than being alone for her

What’s A bit of a one?

I saw your post last night, no one had responded, I didn’t want to be the first..
I have no desire anymore, not because I don’t love my husband, I love the bones of him. I think age, meds, knee & hip problems, it’s just too dam painful.
We sleep in the same bed, lots of cuddles, chats & laughs.
Now does it bother him? It doesn’t seem so to me.. but who knows 🤷‍♀️ he says not!
My mum doesn’t think it’s right at 60 & 64. My parents were having sex well into their early 70s.
Most of my friends have separate bedrooms from their husbands & a couple just like us.
Sorry I don’t know the answer to your problem- if you want it & he doesn’t, or vice, versa.
Can he not get viagra? I wish there was a pill for women. My HRT nurse says for women it’s all in the head, try porn 😳. She said, if you don’t use it, you loose it.

Sexual incompatibility is a challenge; but the bottom line is that no-one, male or female, should be having sex that they do not want. There is no escaping that basic fact.

If your OH feels unable to have sex any more, but is a loving person, you may have to "settle" for that. As a widow, it is a lot more than I have!

Just as for women, in this situation people become averse to physical contact because they fear it might lead to a demand for sexual activity that they feel unable to fulfil for whatever reason.

Tell him that you would like for you both to cuddle and have intimacy short of sex, and that if you put your arm round him or give him a kiss, you will not be pressing for more. This might lead eventually to sex, but it might not - but it has to come from him.

Get yourself a more up-to-date vibrator if you need to.

If you are still not happy after trying this as a new way of life, then you will have to decide whether it is a deal-breaker and you want to initiate a split.

Sex is not the whole of a relationship, but if there is too little of other things to bring happiness to the relationship then parting of the ways might be the way to go.

My mum doesn’t think it’s right at 60 & 64 - I was fascinated by this from another poster - in my 60s I think I could have negotiated my own relationship problems without consulting my mother!!!

Luckygirl3

*My mum doesn’t think it’s right at 60 & 64* - I was fascinated by this from another poster - in my 60s I think I could have negotiated my own relationship problems without consulting my mother!!!

I am lucky that mum & I can talk about anything & everything. Rather her who I 100% trust.
I didn’t confine in her, it just came up in passing conversation.

I told my Mum, she's 85 , she's been a widow for 16 years now . She was socked such a young man had no sex drive . In my case, I think my hubbie has health issues, he's a heavy smoker and that can cause impotence . It's the intimacy i miss the most

Wow! I love these heart to heart comments. They are so useful and good to get tips from. I completely relate to what Lucky girl suggests. Often i think I would be teasing him if I made a real effort, skimpy clothes and smothering with kisses. I've never said this out loud before but I know that men only want a woman who will be ready for sexual relations rather than seeing that we want the build up much more than the full blown sex. I've probably not said that correctly or many people will disagree with that. My OH used to like me pouncing on him or running around the houses with no clothes om so he coukd catch me. I can't play that anymore

All very interesting…
There is no option of splitting up & neither if us would want to.
We hear so much about women who don’t want sex (& their husbands always want to tell us 🙄) that it seems an alien situation. I just WISH he would honestly say that he doesn’t want to, rather than pretending that he does.
For my part it seems that I am just going to have to live with that part of my marriage being over- honestly I just can’t see the appeal anymore of a bit of a ‘grope’ that’s promised ‘sometime’.
Maybe when I have come to terms with not really fancying him anymore I will feel less upset. I think it’s particularly upsetting me because it’s come about because of rejection.
And - of course any poor person who has been widowed would probably still love being able to live with their partner.
Mt61 how wonderful that you can talk to your mum- Ive found it so difficult to know who to talk to.
I dont think viagra works by GIVING a man desire- he has to be willing.
I think I have to just let go…
I never expected to be in this ‘position’ 🥲

DesperateMeasures2

All very interesting…
There is no option of splitting up & neither if us would want to.
We hear so much about women who don’t want sex (& their husbands always want to tell us 🙄) that it seems an alien situation. I just WISH he would honestly say that he doesn’t want to, rather than pretending that he does.
For my part it seems that I am just going to have to live with that part of my marriage being over- honestly I just can’t see the appeal anymore of a bit of a ‘grope’ that’s promised ‘sometime’.
Maybe when I have come to terms with not really fancying him anymore I will feel less upset. I think it’s particularly upsetting me because it’s come about because of rejection.
And - of course any poor person who has been widowed would probably still love being able to live with their partner.
Mt61 how wonderful that you can talk to your mum- Ive found it so difficult to know who to talk to.
I dont think viagra works by GIVING a man desire- he has to be willing.
I think I have to just let go…
I never expected to be in this ‘position’ 🥲

Ahh thanks DM2. Yes good to be able to knock a few problems out with mum, she s a good listener, will guide rather than instruct.
Friends talk! Their friends talk! I don’t want my sex life to be the topic of their conversations. I’d rather they think of us swinging from the chandelier ha.

Hi - I don't think there is a win-win solution OP. I am in a similar boat I'm afraid - it was great pre-children then has got progressively worse and worse over time. We have talked endlessly at times - and tried a therapist twice. But I think we are fundamental incompatible sex wise - and being middle 50's has made this worse due to the ravages of time. I would say the use it or lose it is true - I have never lost it (sometimes it's more than I was in my 30s...) but my DP seems to go months and months without even thinking about it. Sometimes I get really down - if I could afford it I'd leave as life is too short.

I think I know how you all feel. Although in my case it's the intimate touching I miss! The cuddles are still there but at times when we're in bed I'm silently saying "touch me".Maybe I should be saying it out loud!! It,s just as well.we can at least talk about these problems on here!😉

If neither of you don't want sex that's fine but when it's only one of you that will not get better, what's the point of living like that. The trouble is that it's not easy finding a partner past 50 so if you leave him you won't be fighting men off.

My partner of 8yrs who struggles showing affection from childhood neglect refused any form of sexual intimacy last night.
His reason is he has no feeling down below and it has been shrinking in size.
Viagra didn't work
Meds are to blame
And now I have to accept I will have the feeling of him inside me again.
I suppose its part of growing in age im 67 he is 72

This is an old thread

How sad for you all, I have the opposite issue! However, we still share a bed, share hugs and kisses every day.

I do hope you all find mutually acceptable solutions, we resolved our issue in the bedroom through a lot of talking and attempting to see the other persons viewpoint.

Sometimes, men seem to think affection and sex are the same thing.

DesperateMeasures2

All very interesting…
There is no option of splitting up & neither if us would want to.
We hear so much about women who don’t want sex (& their husbands always want to tell us 🙄) that it seems an alien situation. I just WISH he would honestly say that he doesn’t want to, rather than pretending that he does.
For my part it seems that I am just going to have to live with that part of my marriage being over- honestly I just can’t see the appeal anymore of a bit of a ‘grope’ that’s promised ‘sometime’.
Maybe when I have come to terms with not really fancying him anymore I will feel less upset. I think it’s particularly upsetting me because it’s come about because of rejection.
And - of course any poor person who has been widowed would probably still love being able to live with their partner.
Mt61 how wonderful that you can talk to your mum- Ive found it so difficult to know who to talk to.
I dont think viagra works by GIVING a man desire- he has to be willing.
I think I have to just let go…
I never expected to be in this ‘position’ 🥲

I honestly do think you’ll have to let go, and concentrate on the positives in your marriage instead.Men rarely want to discuss loss of libido and medical issues/ medication can have an effect on them.It’s more often women grumbling that their partner is too ready for sex as they age than the other way round than your problem.Sex incompatibility can be a problem in any marriage, and not just for older people but if you love each other you can put up with it.Hugs and being tactile are important tho.