Adult daughter

You should try to stop worrying and think of your own well-being and start living your life for life really is too short.
Your daughters own life doesn’t seem to have been affected too much by her mental health issues in fact she seems to have done really well for herself. Be content with this for now and occasionally test the waters to see if she wants to meet up.
All the best with this
🙏🏾🌹

As a trainee solicitor, your daughter will be trying to prove herself and working crazy hours. She's probably struggling to fit everything in and contacting mum goes to the bottom of the pile. I have been there and rarely heard from my son because he was so busy. Send her the occasional message telling her how proud you are of her or inviting her for a coffee but don't expect anything back and definitely don't complain to her. That's a sure way to create resentment

This must be distressing and perplexing for you. Clearly she is doing well professionally so that is very positive. However it does not necessarily mean she is content. I think Babs is correct , try to stop worrying. Contact your DD occasionally , give her your news and ask her she is - nothing too heavy.
I understand you feel like ' not bothering with her at all' you must be upset and angry. I would be too !
Does her brother keep in contact with
her? Can he throw any light on the situation?
A sad situation for you at your brothers funeral , that must have hurt.
I hope things improve for you

Oh hello Readandcook, I've just read your post & I think that I can offer a few words of comfort. (I hope!)
Children always see us as their parents, we are taken for granted; which is nice really & as it should be! We brought them into the World & in their heads, however old or successful they are; we are still Mum & Dad. Who are there at their beck & call, ready to help them.
Some children will always be more needy, pesty, draining than their siblings. Out of my 4 boy's, I have one who is still needy & utterly useless with money. Yet he was always a bit tricky. I just have to accept him for all his faults & bite my tongue. Plus I try to offer budgeting tips, which seem to fall-on deaf ears.!
I wish you the best & hope things improve. 😊

It sounds like she is setting her own boundaries, even if they feel harsh. Sometimes the best thing is to step back and let her come to you when she is ready.

She might be finding you to be a bit full on. Give her some space, she knows where you are and how to contact you if necessary.

I absolutely agree with Ilovedogs’ thoughts on how children see us as ‘just there’. I was going to say something similar but she expressed my thoughts perfectly.

Also, it changes over time. One of mine seems very ‘sorted’, with a good job, nice house, happy marriage etc. Even the dog is well behaved 😀. The other is less blessed just now, but who knows what will happen down the line. ‘Life’s a long song’ as Jethro Tull used to sing.

All we can do is be the backstop, however things work out, and love them regardless.

I will add that when they were children if someone had asked who I worried about more, I would have said the one who is the happier now. It’s all up and down, isn’t it?

Having read through your post I will offer my advice:

It seems to be that maybe your relationship with your daughter was possibly not as close as you thought, just some remarks you make about her mental health issues which do not seem to have stopped her aiming for a very lucrative career. You also say she 'blames' her father for these issues but is not in contact with him.

You also say she has been spiteful and controlling, but yet she doesn't seem to want to contact you. Maybe she's given up on trying to control you? I don't know. You then match this by saying she can be generous and loving?

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your brother- you mention that she came to the funeral but she was not supportive enough. I have to ask how supportive did you expect her to be?

You then also express that you hope she may see the error of her ways? This sounds a little petty to me, as if everything is her fault and this fracture is nothing to do with any thing you have done.

My advice is to:

Be proud of your daughter and what she has achieved
Stop having unrealistic expectations of how she should behave towards you
Stop having unrealistic expectations of yourself- that you have to be some sort of victim here.
You have raised a successful adult child and that is to your credit, but maybe now it is time to be a grown-up youself and let her be who she is.

I also notice your husband and daughter seem to be in contact with her- so maybe an honest conversation with your family members is in order here.

Just my advice.