annoying neighbour

Absolutely right - just smile and carry on doing exactly what you want. Unless he'd like to do it all for you!

I would play music with headphones on and carry doing what you want and ignore him.

Big smile - I am happy doing things my own way, but thanks, I’ll let you get on with your day

busybee6969

update. his wife went past today said lovely job with the stones. i replied shame your husband doesnt think so he keeps teiing me i have done it wrong i am fed up with him.i said the final straw was when he jumped up and down on the stone to see how solid it was; she nealy choked said he was off work ill too ill for that, she stormed off, he came running out 2 minutes later saying how dare i slag him off to his wife, i put my car in reverse and drove off, god knows what will happen tomorrow,

When two people gang up against one, especially against a woman, that is bullying.

Sorry, I did not previously understand this man was a bully.

It is not good that you felt intimidated by this bullying couple. If there is anymore shouty or stamping on your work behaviour from them get the police involved.

busybee6969

update. his wife went past today said lovely job with the stones. i replied shame your husband doesnt think so he keeps teiing me i have done it wrong i am fed up with him.i said the final straw was when he jumped up and down on the stone to see how solid it was; she nealy choked said he was off work ill too ill for that, she stormed off, he came running out 2 minutes later saying how dare i slag him off to his wife, i put my car in reverse and drove off, god knows what will happen tomorrow,

I'm not surprised this has happened. How horrid. It was because you engaged with them treating 2 rude, possibly troublemaking people as though they were reasonable. I said a few days ago I would use my Super Power of being deaf and simply not engaging him and now her in any interaction. Some people simply are weird and it's not our job to make them better. Also life's too short, why bring upset into it.

StuartLittle

I am struck by how quickly we choose to take the easy way out, such as being rude to drive him away, or being kind but then ignoring him, or pretending to be deaf so we don't have to relate to him.

The reality is that this neighbor is behaving inappropriately, causing stress in his neighborhood, but nobody seems to be holding up a mirror to him so he can learn and change.

I think the solution, if one is courageous enough and actually wants to create change, is to state how his advice is making you feel and perhaps to offer suggestions as to how he might approach people if he'd like his "advice" to be received more positively. You could even be playful and have him practice a few introductory words you've given as an example, such as "What a great job you are doing." (Start with a compliment.) "When I was doing a similar project I learned some tricks that I found very helpful. Would you like to hear about them?"

As he tries to practice these with you, you can point out if he's sounding too pushy, and you can also prepare him for the answer of "No, I'd rather not hear about your tricks right now."

Ideally, there would be self-awareness on his part and a new understanding and relationship between you. He may decide not to pester you any more, but the basis of this would have been good communication with a desire to understand each other instead of a blunt deterrent.

This would probably work for a conversation between 2 blokes but in this case, I would guess that sexism is playing a big part. In which case he is likely to get even more high and mighty with a woman. The dynamics between people is not the same for both sexes in situations like this. Unwanted attention from males is something women have to deal with all the time and lecturing them on their behaviour never works. He is not doing it because he wants to give advice, believe me. Ignoring him or finding a way to put him off is the best policy.

update. his wife went past today said lovely job with the stones. i replied shame your husband doesnt think so he keeps teiing me i have done it wrong i am fed up with him.i said the final straw was when he jumped up and down on the stone to see how solid it was; she nealy choked said he was off work ill too ill for that, she stormed off, he came running out 2 minutes later saying how dare i slag him off to his wife, i put my car in reverse and drove off, god knows what will happen tomorrow,

Are we in the wrong thread?

Kate1949

Caleo I don't think the beer would work. He is Muslim I think.

Okay. Then say " a salaam alaikum" with a pleasant smile and give him a pack of best spring water, San Pellegrino.

I am struck by how quickly we choose to take the easy way out, such as being rude to drive him away, or being kind but then ignoring him, or pretending to be deaf so we don't have to relate to him.

The reality is that this neighbor is behaving inappropriately, causing stress in his neighborhood, but nobody seems to be holding up a mirror to him so he can learn and change.

I think the solution, if one is courageous enough and actually wants to create change, is to state how his advice is making you feel and perhaps to offer suggestions as to how he might approach people if he'd like his "advice" to be received more positively. You could even be playful and have him practice a few introductory words you've given as an example, such as "What a great job you are doing." (Start with a compliment.) "When I was doing a similar project I learned some tricks that I found very helpful. Would you like to hear about them?"

As he tries to practice these with you, you can point out if he's sounding too pushy, and you can also prepare him for the answer of "No, I'd rather not hear about your tricks right now."

Ideally, there would be self-awareness on his part and a new understanding and relationship between you. He may decide not to pester you any more, but the basis of this would have been good communication with a desire to understand each other instead of a blunt deterrent.

busybee6969

he is married i feel sorry for his wife his view on every subject is the right one in his eyes,

Well, perhaps he is like this, because she long since has told him to keep his ideas on things he knows nothing about to himself?

How else could the marriage survive?

Caleo I don't think the beer would work. He is Muslim I think.

Just wear some earphones (that aren’t plugged into anything!)….and gesticulate to your ears, then lose all eye contact and carry on.

Or pretend you are on a handsfree phone call and chat away to “the caller at the other end” 😃. Make the conversation adventurous!….”I want you to invest 5k now in that fund, I will call you tomorrow to invest in the other fund” and so on 😂

Just say yes I tried that once and it didn't work.

Or, hand him the gardening tools and say, thanks, you do it for me.

Or tell him you're related to Monty Don or someone and say that's how they told you to do it.

Seriously, I think the advice to ignore him is best- don't feed him with conversation as he will just come back for more.

I'd be inclined to get the biggest headphones I can find (no need to plug them in) and get on with what you are doing...

Men like this are all too common, I have a few in my family.

We used to have a neighbour like that! I just used to say "Oh really!" and carry on with what I was doing with hmms and mmm etc. He got bored and stopped

Ear phones is the way to go . Especially if over the ears do he can see them .
Put on your fave book music radio prog or podcast .

Mansplaining! Haven't these men got anything better to do with their time? It all sounds so petty and small-minded. I think you either have to ignore them or tell them very firmly to mind their own business.

Yes, me too. As a ninety -something year old I have learned to shut up and say nothing

The certain matters are usually about cooking 😄which as a sixty something I have been doing for a very long time.I let her say of course and there are a few dishes which I encourage her to make as they’re superb ( and I can get on with something else while she happily cooks ). It’s just how some people are isn’t it? If I were to do that with my DD’s I’d be taking my life in my hands.😆

Kate1949

We are being driven insane in our usually quiet road by a new neighbour who is constantly revving up cars very loudly at all hours. I have contacted the council who tell me that the first step is to talk to him. My husband is 79, I am 76. This man is a big, burley, intimidating 20 something year old. That is never going to happen.

There may be a way of engaging his sympathy. (Give him a six pack of beer and ask him all about his beautiful machine.)

Oreo

pably15

I hate folk like that,,,,they give their opinion whether you want it or not, or they say....now, what you should have done is..bla bla...

😂
Oh yes!
I know a couple of those, one is my dear Mum bless her 😁

Maybe your mother knows more than you do on certain matters?

sandelf

I have been known to invite Jehovah Witnesses in for a good long chat about theology - they don't generally stay...

So have I. Some JW personnel are better informed than others. One good thing about them is they are good at Scripture.

As I said I enjoy being informed.

If someone really knows what they are telling me I enjoy getting practical advice from them. If you still prefer doing the job your way then tell him so.

pably15

I hate folk like that,,,,they give their opinion whether you want it or not, or they say....now, what you should have done is..bla bla...

😂
Oh yes!
I know a couple of those, one is my dear Mum bless her 😁

Ask him what his landscape gardening qualification is. If he can't tell you, say that he's obviously not qualified to advise you, but thanks anyway.