Feels as if husband is blackmailing me

How do you feel about him leaving? Maybe to let him do as he is suggesting is the best outcome for you.

I'm confused! It's my understanding that a person shouldn't be claiming "state benefits" if they are married to (or even simply living with) someone with even an "average" income, never mind a "wealthy" person! (I'm wondering what these state "benefits are? As your DH is only 60, then clearly the "state benefits" referred to, aren't a state pension.) Readandcook, have you looked into the legality of this? Perhaps your DH could be prosecuted for fraud - and you could be seen as complicit!

PaynesGrey

Readandcook

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

Fair enough but you were vague about dates. Presumably you had known one another for some time before you married three years ago or did you rush in?

You said he bought his house just before he was 60 so 59? Now both in your 60s. You said he had state benefit by which I assume you mean state pension which would have begun at 66.

It makes liitle sense to me for a renter to take on a big debt at 60, especially if he had a secured tenancy before that. Did he? Why did he decide to buy a house?

Forgive me but you seem rather obsessed with the cost of things. The log burner and now the cruise. Nobody has to spend £15,000 on a cruise. If he’s strugging to find the £500 monthly shortfall on his property how would he have been able to share the cost of such an extravangant holiday on garden centre wages? It sounds like you are pushing him to do things he cannot afford to go halves on and then making a thing about it. If the marriage is rocky and he's struggling financially already, he can't be blowing £7,500 on a holiday.

Have you considered my suggestion upthread about the possibly long term benefits for you of paying off the mortgage and having your name put on the deeds as a tenant in common?

OP should definitely not make any further financial commitment to her husband of three years. He's now stopped paying his half of household bills and says he is leaving in two months (l doubt he will and if he does he will be looking for recompense). OP should see a solicitor.

Why did you get married?

Why didn't you sort out the financial situation between you both before you got married?

Since you don't want to have to share all of your assets did you get a pre-nup agreement in place?

fancythat

DH nad I have a big talk, about every 4 months.
One is happening today, as it happens!

That sounds like a very pragmatic way to look at things - maybe something that other couples should consider. One way to "nip trouble in the bud" before it blows up and also make sure you're both on the same page.

A good opportunity to discuss all "major issues" - children, housing, general money management, any noticeable ongoing health problems.

DH nad I have a big talk, about every 4 months.
One is happening today, as it happens!

What happnes if he comes into money, or his finances improve somehow?

If you dont want to have a big talk with him about finances[you dont seem to have managed it in about 6 years], then what?

When we were married 65 years ago we were advised to “look after each other “. So he is working 4 days a week and receiving benefits while you are now really comfortable and able to clear his mortgage. He pays half the bills so not free loading and in his sixties It doesn’t sound as if you really care about him. As for his “poor choices” well that sounds as if you live in a gilded cage created in part by others. Why not look after your dh and lift some of the financial burden he has to fund. You don’t have to share everything but you could help him and start a really caring relationship.

You asked him to contribute to the log burner.
You say he refused, got in a strop and threatened to leave you.

Honestly do you still want to be married to a man who behaves like this? Blackmail is the correct word for what he is doing.

My advice would be to consult a solicitor to see how you stand financially if you split.

You’ve only been married for three years You need to protect your assests for your own children.

The cruise was 5k ( the car and the log burner were 5k each) - I wouldn’t be so extravagant!!

You did say the cruise cost £15,000. Neverthless £5,000 is still a lot to spend on a holiday if you were expecting someone who is struggling to find £500 a month to pay £2,500 towards it.

You haven't answered my question about whether you have considered my suggestion about paying off the mortgage and becoming tenants in common in an appreciating asset.

You say you are very wealthy and though nobody is asking what you are worth, and nor should you say, it suggests millions.

Monthly repayments of £1,300 suggests a mortgage of around £250,000. It is a lot of debt and must be very worrying for an ageing man who might not be able to work for much longer in a physical job. He has the option to sell it, of course, but maybe if your marriage is rocky he wants to keep it as a safeguard so he has somewhere to go.

Ultimately this boils down to how strong your marriage is and how much you want to share your wealth with him.

It sounds like the marriage is not working out for either of you. Is there any point in trying to find a resolution or is it time for you to tell him it's over? Consult a solicitor.

Yes out of the blue!
Yes this has happened before twice and it’s always been money related.
His son is going through separation and my husband has been helping him financially too- that is fine obviously as we would always help our adult children.
My younger brother aged 58 died too recently end of July and I have been supporting my 86 year old Mum so it’s been an upsetting and stressful time for us.
My husband even then turned up on the funeral morning wearing a red tie and then hated it when I said he should have a navy or black tie!

Your husband of 3 years is threatening to leave you if you do not share your income.

That is my definition of blackmail.

Well, in that situation, I know what I would do, and it does not include sharing my income. Your income and your capital are yours and only yours. In this situation I would ensure that that was how it stayed.

We have known each other 4 half years and married for 3. He is 67 and bought his house when he was 58. Before that he was in a rental for 7 years paying £1300. His mortgage is the same and his tenant pays £800 so he is left with a shortfall of £500 which he has to fund.
The cruise was 5k ( the car and the log burner were 5k each) - I wouldn’t be so extravagant!!

The fact is that since you married 3 years ago the dynamics have changed completely. He obviously cannot cope with this. I can only see a couple of ways round it, either you have to sit down and calmly discuss all the money or when he says he is off in two months say why wait!
I think having so much money now has changed both your attitudes and you should probably call it a day as he won’t settle for you not sharing it all and things will only get worse. Do see a solicitor as he will come for a share

What a horrible situation you are in. I really do not like your husband’s selfish attitude, and am inclined to think you are in fact his ‘meal ticket’. You and your family have worked hard to ensure a secure position. Your husband did not. He sounds like a sponger to me, and I would certainly not give into his demands. Do you still love him? If so, and you want to save your marriage, you need to see a solicitor.

Readandcook

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

Fair enough but you were vague about dates. Presumably you had known one another for some time before you married three years ago or did you rush in?

You said he bought his house just before he was 60 so 59? Now both in your 60s. You said he had state benefit by which I assume you mean state pension which would have begun at 66.

It makes liitle sense to me for a renter to take on a big debt at 60, especially if he had a secured tenancy before that. Did he? Why did he decide to buy a house?

Forgive me but you seem rather obsessed with the cost of things. The log burner and now the cruise. Nobody has to spend £15,000 on a cruise. If he’s strugging to find the £500 monthly shortfall on his property how would he have been able to share the cost of such an extravangant holiday on garden centre wages? It sounds like you are pushing him to do things he cannot afford to go halves on and then making a thing about it. If the marriage is rocky and he's struggling financially already, he can't be blowing £7,500 on a holiday.

Have you considered my suggestion upthread about the possibly long term benefits for you of paying off the mortgage and having your name put on the deeds as a tenant in common?

Readandcook

We said that bills would be split 50/50.
When we married it was fine and yes we just shared.
It’s been since I bought our house that there have been issues. This month he has refused to pay his half of the bills and said he will be leaving in 2 months!!!
We have just come back from a lovely holiday so this is a bit of a shock but this is the third time he is saying he is going to leave.
The bills leave my account on 1st of each month, I mentioned it to him ans normally he would transfer the money promptly but by teatime yesterday he still hadn’t so mentioned politely to him and then he came back with I’m leaving in 2 months!

!!!!!

Crikey! Just like that - outa the blue?!!!

What happened on those two previous times he said he was going to leave? Is it the same sort of "background thing" this time that happened then?

I'm wondering "Why two months - and not right now - if that's what he is thinking?"

We said that bills would be split 50/50.
When we married it was fine and yes we just shared.
It’s been since I bought our house that there have been issues. This month he has refused to pay his half of the bills and said he will be leaving in 2 months!!!
We have just come back from a lovely holiday so this is a bit of a shock but this is the third time he is saying he is going to leave.
The bills leave my account on 1st of each month, I mentioned it to him ans normally he would transfer the money promptly but by teatime yesterday he still hadn’t so mentioned politely to him and then he came back with I’m leaving in 2 months!

Readandcook

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

You really need a huge sit down with him, and both calmly[hopefully] sort things out financially.
I would assume since this was never done, that there are other area s and issues that were never done through properly before marriage, either.

I disagree PaynesGrey. 'Do as I say; give me what I want or I'll leave you' is coercive control and there is nothing from the OP to suggest that she has coerced her husband into getting into debt.

Keekaboo

I have a friend who came into an inheritance of a considerable amount of money 3 weeks before she married at 50. Her husband immediately stopped work. And insisted she put her house which they lived in in both names. However she refused because she worked hard as a single parent to afford the house and just said no. She did give him a good amount to put in an isa though.and bought him a new car. It was always an issue with him about the house but she stuck to her guns and refused. She had to have him legally physically removed from the house eventually after the marriage broke down.
He passed away due to a stroke a year later. But she had endless bother from his sons demanding money from the house which she owned. Fortunately she’s a very organised person and kept every gift receipt and every bank statement so she could prove it all belonged outright to her..
It was a terrible time for her.
So really Readandcook my thoughts about your situation is it sounds like, and I’m sorry to say but does he see you as a meal ticket.
And if he’s low enough to threaten you like that well why would you let someone treat you like that.
Let him go you don’t need the stress I’m sure.

Crikey! Three weeks before marriage....and what a shame she didn't spot the fact he immediately gave up work as a red flag and chuck him during those weeks. That was defo a huge red flag for him to do that. Thank goodness she kept all those receipts etc.

I must admit that my reaction was distinct surprise back in my 30's (the 1980s) when I belatedly managed to buy a starter house 10 years later than I had expected. Long story as to the circumstances - but I had a fair size deposit (about 30%) in the event and one of my fathers first comments was "Now that you own a house (ie something substantial) then you need to make a will - and be aware that sometimes men aim to get money from women even".

I knew that a lot of women get money they arent entitled to off men - but the thought literally hadnt occurred to me that a man might try to get money from a woman. I made a will and bore in mind that shocking (to me) fact that, even as a woman, I wasnt necessarily safe from someone trying to use me financially.

So - yep...OP needs to protect her finances. Not being mean - he is her husband and if he genuinely needs something he can't afford (due to no fault of his own) then remember he is her husband. It's a balance between someone being one's spouse on the one hand - but even in marriage and even if the woman is the wealthier one people can land up using other people on the other hand.

I guess it's all about balance.

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

I do think money should be joint in a marriage. However this does not sound much like a marriage or true partnership.

This is coercive control and it's not excusable.

That’s somewhat of a stretch. He isn’t controlling her. He is just saying he might leave. Control would be telling her she can’t leave unless she does what he asks. By her own admission, she is not just wealthy but very wealthy so it’s not as if she would struggle financially without him.

Here is the CPS Guidance Framework of what constitutes coercive control - see under Gathering Evidence and Case Building.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

It is not an exhaustive list but based on what OP has told us, this seems nothing like. Indeed, if push came to shove, there might be case for him to say she had controlled him.

Why, after being a tenant for so long, did he suddenly get into mortgage debt at the age of 60? Was she instrumental in him doing that? Coercing someone into debt very much is on the list, as is repeatedly putting someone down, say if she keeps reminding him of his “poor choices” in life and making him feel inferior for it.