Feels as if husband is blackmailing me

I would go see a solicitor or financial adviser. When he states income should be shared... do you still work and have an income, or do you live off investments?

Sharing income and sharing assets are completely different kettles of fish.

I was working part time as a nurse until 10 weeks ago. I now am able to live of my rental and investment income.

I have a friend who came into an inheritance of a considerable amount of money 3 weeks before she married at 50. Her husband immediately stopped work. And insisted she put her house which they lived in in both names. However she refused because she worked hard as a single parent to afford the house and just said no. She did give him a good amount to put in an isa though.and bought him a new car. It was always an issue with him about the house but she stuck to her guns and refused. She had to have him legally physically removed from the house eventually after the marriage broke down.
He passed away due to a stroke a year later. But she had endless bother from his sons demanding money from the house which she owned. Fortunately she’s a very organised person and kept every gift receipt and every bank statement so she could prove it all belonged outright to her..
It was a terrible time for her.
So really Readandcook my thoughts about your situation is it sounds like, and I’m sorry to say but does he see you as a meal ticket.
And if he’s low enough to threaten you like that well why would you let someone treat you like that.
Let him go you don’t need the stress I’m sure.

Did you not talk about how finances would work at all, before you got married?

Take legal advice to find out exactly what he’s entitled to as your husband, especially if you separate. He may be entitled to some of your assets anyway. IMO, yes he is trying to blackmail you, perhaps because he knows he is in a better position financially if you separate.

We were both working full time then and I had not come into this inheritance and wealth at that time. My parents worked so hard to enable us to be in this good position and I just feel why should I pay his debt off ( mortgage) when he made this poor choice way before I knew him.
I just feel as if he’s throwing his toys out of the pram because he feels inferior and is concerned re his financial situation.
I am finding it confusing.

Personally I call all money joint in a marriage[as long as things were talked about beforehand].
I am aware that not everyone sees things that way.

I think you are being unreasonable not least because you are making an assumption (not just about your husband but a whole demographic) than renting is a poor choice.

Everyone’s circumstances are different. There may be any number of reasons for renting and not only financial.

By your own admission your wealth comes from inheritance from parents who made money from property speculation. I think that may have given you a rather supercilious attitude.

I suspect he feels inferior because you are making him feel so.

You knew his circumstances when you met and married him. If you love him and are not just wealthy but very wealthy why would you not want to make life easier for him and share what you have? He’s working and earning so he’s not an idle man.

Have an open hand not a closed one. Pay off the mortage. If you feel you want some recompense than you can ask to take a share in the property as tenants in common to reflect your contribution.

If for example,you capitulate and fall in with his demands, and by the sounds of it they are demands, how will you feel down the line if he starts making more demands? This is a marriage of atm, short duration. I guess it depends how much you want to stay with him, but it sounds to me this is serious red flag territory. I’d feel you’d be doing what he wants against your better judgement, what does, he really want, you or financial support? Be very very cautious.

No - you came into your wealth as a direct result of your parents being financially astute. You did not even have your inheritance when you married. This has some bearing. I would feel loath to split my monies. I feel Keekaboo has made a case for being prudent and consulting a professional to see where you stand.

Don't pay off his mortgage. I don't find you supercilious at all, just sensible. Your parents worked hard, you worked hard, you had a mortgaged property before you even knew him and paid it off. The inheritance is for you, not to pay off his mortgage. If you have adult children help them.
Who does he think he is, why should he not pay half of everything. Seems he gets free board, he uses the facilities so he pays half the bills.
Don't pay any heed to the stupid posts saying you should pay his mortgage, his mortgage his responsibility.
The only advice I would listen too is from a solicitor or a financial advisor

I can't see the problem with renting and it being a poor choice .
Some people can't afford to buy . You were lucky in receiving an inheritance , most people don't get that.

You could have 2 bank accounts, a joint one for bills and a separate account just in your name so you have your own money. I've always had more money than my husband but I've always made up the difference when necessary. A marriage should be a partnership, if you love him money shouldn't bother you.

You are not a meal ticket Readandcook. He obviously thinks you are.

Go to a solicitor. And I would pack his bags for him!

Although my friends husband was asked to leave and didn’t for two years. Because although the house was not in his name he had a legal right to stay in it until forceably removed by sheriffs officers two years it took to do this through the legal process.
We are in Scotland and I know if you are elsewhere the law will be different. See a solicitor asap please.

"Have an open hand not a closed one."

Stupid thing to say, the OP paid her mortgage years ago. He refused to contribute for something in the house when asked. Many a person has been taken advantage off because of stupid sayings like the above.

You have inherited wealth you didn't work for.
He claims benefits whilst working four days a week?
He pays half the bills.
You bought all the furniture and paid £5k for a wood burner?
You are confused.
So am I. Why did you marry this man? Why did he marry you?
This relationship seems doomed whatever...

Look at the numbers. Hypothetical but possible scenario trying to work using the £500 shortfall fugure.

Let’s say the property he bought cost 200,000 on a 100% mortgage over 15 years. Repayments on that would be around £1,500 a month. Say the rent charged is £1,000 leaving a shortfall of £500 a month to find.

If the mortgage is paid off now, he now has £500 a month spare that he can now contribute to household outgoings on the house you share making you £3,000 a year better off. money you can that you can use elsewhere.

You agree to being tenants in common on his property with 50:50 shares.

Presumably the property has appreciated in value since he bought it and will continue to do so. Even with modest appreciation in property values, in ten years time say it’s worth £300,000.

You decide to sell it or it passes on his death. You have half worth £150,000 and have been £30,000 better off through his £500 contribution to household finances for the last ten years, a total of £180,000.

Say the joint ownership continues beyond ten years. So long as there is no property crash along the way the property will contine to appreciate in value.

Assuming it’s a repayment mortage and he had already paid off some of the capital you may break or even profit and have saved your marriage into the bargain.

I haven't taken into account loss of interest you would have earned on the capital you use to pay off the mortgage and other fine detail. I am just trying to make the point that this may not be a bad investment.

‘Feels as if husband is blackmailing me’. - He IS blackmailing you!

You state you feel he is "threatening separation if l don't change our financial arrangement"

This is coercive control and it's not excusable.

See a solicitor to check that your property/money remains yours and passes to your children.

I feel sorry for him. You knew his circumstances when you married him. He must feel fed up if he is struggling financially while you are 'very wealthy," and in the position of being able to help him.
I wonder who decided to spend £5000 on a wood burner. If it was you why should he contribute? Perhaps he feels you are extravagant about everything except him

Very good post in my opinion.

This is coercive control and it's not excusable.

That’s somewhat of a stretch. He isn’t controlling her. He is just saying he might leave. Control would be telling her she can’t leave unless she does what he asks. By her own admission, she is not just wealthy but very wealthy so it’s not as if she would struggle financially without him.

Here is the CPS Guidance Framework of what constitutes coercive control - see under Gathering Evidence and Case Building.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

It is not an exhaustive list but based on what OP has told us, this seems nothing like. Indeed, if push came to shove, there might be case for him to say she had controlled him.

Why, after being a tenant for so long, did he suddenly get into mortgage debt at the age of 60? Was she instrumental in him doing that? Coercing someone into debt very much is on the list, as is repeatedly putting someone down, say if she keeps reminding him of his “poor choices” in life and making him feel inferior for it.

I do think money should be joint in a marriage. However this does not sound much like a marriage or true partnership.

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

Keekaboo

I have a friend who came into an inheritance of a considerable amount of money 3 weeks before she married at 50. Her husband immediately stopped work. And insisted she put her house which they lived in in both names. However she refused because she worked hard as a single parent to afford the house and just said no. She did give him a good amount to put in an isa though.and bought him a new car. It was always an issue with him about the house but she stuck to her guns and refused. She had to have him legally physically removed from the house eventually after the marriage broke down.
He passed away due to a stroke a year later. But she had endless bother from his sons demanding money from the house which she owned. Fortunately she’s a very organised person and kept every gift receipt and every bank statement so she could prove it all belonged outright to her..
It was a terrible time for her.
So really Readandcook my thoughts about your situation is it sounds like, and I’m sorry to say but does he see you as a meal ticket.
And if he’s low enough to threaten you like that well why would you let someone treat you like that.
Let him go you don’t need the stress I’m sure.

Crikey! Three weeks before marriage....and what a shame she didn't spot the fact he immediately gave up work as a red flag and chuck him during those weeks. That was defo a huge red flag for him to do that. Thank goodness she kept all those receipts etc.

I must admit that my reaction was distinct surprise back in my 30's (the 1980s) when I belatedly managed to buy a starter house 10 years later than I had expected. Long story as to the circumstances - but I had a fair size deposit (about 30%) in the event and one of my fathers first comments was "Now that you own a house (ie something substantial) then you need to make a will - and be aware that sometimes men aim to get money from women even".

I knew that a lot of women get money they arent entitled to off men - but the thought literally hadnt occurred to me that a man might try to get money from a woman. I made a will and bore in mind that shocking (to me) fact that, even as a woman, I wasnt necessarily safe from someone trying to use me financially.

So - yep...OP needs to protect her finances. Not being mean - he is her husband and if he genuinely needs something he can't afford (due to no fault of his own) then remember he is her husband. It's a balance between someone being one's spouse on the one hand - but even in marriage and even if the woman is the wealthier one people can land up using other people on the other hand.

I guess it's all about balance.