I am at a loss to know how to deal with a man I have only recently thought about as a potential long-term partner. I have not known him very long at all in that way but we know each other in a social context around other people. Although he is well educated, respectable and has many of the qualities I would look for in a partner I have noticed that he can be insensitive and unapologetic when under stress. He even says he will not apologise or give excuses for his behaviour. Presumably therefore I have to understand what causes his behaviour which is like night and day, hot and cold towards me and go away and be ready to ignore it and continue our sweet little way. I know that I am not giving specific behaviour details but I wonder if you could help me work out if I should even continue to think of him as a potential long term partner. I have suffered quite a bit in a previous marriage and have remained by myself for many years up until he presented himself as someone who wants to be with me. When he behaves in the way he does so no contact, insensitive distancing and not willing to understand the effect on me. I am quite a bit younger than him and fit and healthy. He is much older in physicality and age, with now limited possibilities for exercise therefore quite overweight too. I can hear you say why am I thinking he might be suitable. There is a strong chemistry between us in spite of the above and he us a very interesting man to have conversations with. He has an impeccable work record and work ethics and we share similar values regarding family, work and society. I guess I am asking for help please in deciding how to go about making the decision to remain in this or get out now.
Get out now would be my advice. You deserve better.
He is not worthy of you and you know it. Being alone without the stress if being with an unsuitable partner is a much more desirable position to be in, in my opinion. You don't need stress. You need peace.
This man is not life partnership material! If there's such a strong chemistry between you, consider having a fling with him and get him out of your system. But don't get emotionally involved; that's a heartbreak waiting to happen.
Flower21- how do you feel now- having read all the feedback so far? Do you have any greater clarity as to how you will make your decision?
Red flags all over the place. Run for the hills and don't look back. You’ve already had one bad relationship why on earth are you considering another, have you not learnt anything?
I very much doubt that an insensitive man who refuses to apologise, explain or take responsibility for any offence he caused you, has " an impeccable work record and ethics " history.
Such behaviour is not new. Over years he must have upset, hurt or angered countless colleagues, employees, bosses, customers, patients, neighbours, etc.
So, is he just a charming and charismatic self-promoting liar who spotted your vulnerability and is homing in on it for his own advantage?
You sense something is not quite right. Trust yourself. Not him.
Grannynannywanny
I hope now you’ve written it all down you might come to realise there is little in this relationship that will make you happy.
Decades ago, my ex husband behaved in the ways you describe. It didn’t start until after we were married. You are already on the receiving end of this man’s very unpleasant behaviour and he’s shown you what to expect if you commit to a long term relationship. Believe me, it will only get worse.
As an added bonus you are likely to end up as his carer if you enter into a long term relationship. You deserve better.
No to remaining in this relationship, do you really want to end up caring for an unpleasant and probably ungrateful much older man?
Err are you Barmy ? or Deluded ? or simply Mad ?
Don't touch him with a ten foot bargepole!!
Starts with negatives, ends with a few positives but nowhere is there any mention of love, let alone affection or even liking.
It sounds like a review of a job interview.
I don't think either of you is suited for a long-term relationship.
friendlygingercat
Agree 100% with the posters upthread. He is looking for someone to look after him. Dont let that be you. You are worthy of better.
My thoughts exactly.
He's obviously not bothering at the moment to be on his best behaviour in these early days of a new relationship so how long will it be before his actual true self comes to the fore once you are an actual couple? You will end up being the carer of uncaring man and by then will probably feel you've invested too much to leave. No matter what some may say otherwise, it is harder to make that break as you get older. You've already experienced a bad relationship and you deserve far better. You already have your doubts else you wouldn't be on here - please heed them.
Thank you so much for all your help, support and advice. I will not take it any further. He will be kept as a social acquaintance from now on. Gransneters you are wonderful, a big thank you!
Good to know that you have made such a wise decision Flower21.
Best wishes for the future. Who knows what good things the future might hold for you.
I agree with everyone else and am sure you have made the right decision. If you are concerned about his behaviour now, in these early halcyon days, imagine what he will be like after you become a couple.
I had not read clickety clicks post, but we are clearly in complete agreement.
I think you know what you need to do. you wouldn't be happy wth this man
When you strike up a relationship there is usually a "honeymoon" period when the other will be on their best behaviour. If they are showing insensitive and manipulative characteristics at this stage then what are they going to be like when they drop their "best" behaviour?
Extraordinary that you ask the opinion of strangers on an internet group, though perhaps you are looking for reassurance that your instincts are spot-on. You would be mad to consider a relationship any more committed than it is now. It’s not healthy, it will very obviously lead to sadness, distress and ongoing misery - you cannot live your life walking on eggshells around someone who is too selfish and unkind to care.
He will not change for the better, only for worse as he ages. My advice is to sever contact and be relieved you are free of him.
I think flower has already decided to do just that.
Thank you for coming back to us Flower21- always nice to get feedback from OP. Take care 💐
Flower21, please be strong and keep away from this man. You deserve better! Wishing you a happy future - without him!
Look up the term narcissist
I shall say no more
People seem to avoid the term on Gransnet
I agree with all, if he behaves as you say he does he won’t make you happy, in the long term.
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