How would you deal with this?

Agree 100% with the posters upthread. He is looking for someone to look after him. Dont let that be you. You are worthy of better.

Massive red flag. Do you want to end up as his carer? GET SHUT.

Not a long term partner. Definitely not. Nobody needs a partner like this, however much you would like to have one.

Are you sure you’re not just looking for a partner?
And pleased that someone has shown an interest?

It would be a firm NO for a relationship for me- and only if he accepts that to consider building/continuing with on a friendship basis. Even then I would want to establish, in my own head, even if he was not open to such a discussion, boundaries for that friendship.

The main reasons why that would be my position are:
1) You say he is insensitive and unapologetic when under stress and will not apologise or make excuses for his behaviour
2) he blows hot and cold
3) YOU seek to understand reasons for his behaviour- not HIM. WHY is it your responsibility to understand his behaviour when he has no interest in doing so himself?
4) You've suffered quite a bit in a previous marriage
5) He insensitively distances himself without regard for the impact on you.

He doesn't want to understand himself but you can try and understand your motivations here. All the signs are he will continue to treat you insensitively as he currently does. Why is it that don't immediately believe you deserve more and better than the behaviour he displays towards you? Focus on building your self esteem and see how a friendship goes within the group meanwhile if you like him enough in that setting. Good luck and take care 💐

Sparklefizz

Flower21 You know everything you need to know about this man and not much of it is good. Too many red flags. Accept that he is bad news. Maybe just keep him as an occasional friend if you must, but as a relationship? Definitely not!

My thoughts exactly.

Flower21 You know everything you need to know about this man and not much of it is good. Too many red flags. Accept that he is bad news. Maybe just keep him as an occasional friend if you must, but as a relationship? Definitely not!

Why do you feel you need a long term partner, let alone this one?

Sounds like a bit of an emotional desert to me. What do you want in your later years? Is he a companion? What if one of you is ill? What is you went on holiday and he went silent? I know what I would be doing and that would be joining a few other groups to get to know some fun easy going people. Life is too short to waste on emotional deserts.

Personally, I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with this man. You’ve had sight of his temperament and his attitude of not apologising is a huge red flag!
Maintain a distance from him and don’t let him “get his feet under the table “.

If you allow the relationship to deepen emotionally the dark side of this man's personality will rise to the surface. You will live to regret becoming too closely involved with him. Either keep the connection on a purely friendly basis or end it now. The choice is yours. Please don't ruin your life.

Too many red flags. The fact you feel the need to highlight these unsavoury character traits and ask for advice, says your gut instinct is telling you he is not the man for and once committed, he will likely get worse. I think you know the answer.
Dont settle on second best for the sake of having ‘someone’.

So many wise words. Thank you so much.

I hope now you’ve written it all down you might come to realise there is little in this relationship that will make you happy.

Decades ago, my ex husband behaved in the ways you describe. It didn’t start until after we were married. You are already on the receiving end of this man’s very unpleasant behaviour and he’s shown you what to expect if you commit to a long term relationship. Believe me, it will only get worse.

As an added bonus you are likely to end up as his carer if you enter into a long term relationship. You deserve better.

It would be a no from me. Insensitive and unapologetic are not character traits I could accept in a long term partner, especially seeing as he seems to see nothing wrong with these traits and just expects you to tolerate it. Am wondering how he would react if it was vice versa?
He just doesn’t sound very nice, and though there are things about him that you obviously find attractive in a man and there must be things you have in common, can you honestly stomach his insensitivity or if you do stomach it for now, how long would it be before you would find it so annoying and upsetting you would have to end the relationship. Instead of that you have the option of not taking it to that level and just getting out now.

If you have to ask us then you know he's really not for you.

You already know the answer . Please don't do this to yourself . You deserve better .

If you are desperate to have a partner then I suppose you may need to compromise. However I would hope you had more self-respect than to accept someone quite so awful. Good luck.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Run very very quickly.

Run.

"he presented himself as someone who wants to be with me"

It seems on his non-negotiable terms.

Not a positive basis for a relationship of any kind.

Many thanks for your response. Much appreciated. I will think on it.

I think you know this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I'd enjoy casual conversations and jolly social occasions and give anything involving my heart and mental health a miss!

He's set in his ways. He's less able and not easy to get along with some of the time.
Put emotional entanglement out of the way. You have already suffered quite a bit in your previous marriage and can do without suffering again.

You are worth more than this.

Good luck.