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How ro Pay for Care at Home

(17 Posts)
Charleygirl5 Tue 07-Oct-25 14:44:56

I have a friend who has two siblings who live relatively close by, but their mother lives with my friend. The mother is so ungrateful for anything done. She now spends every day in bed, just lying there. My friend and family care for her but that is about to change.

Nothing in writing, but mother has given the house to my friend J and all savings between J's sisters. They do zilch for her and rely on J to do everything.

Social worker involved, mother in hospital at present, but when discharged will go home to J and family who are having to take out a mortgage to pay for mother's care. J's husband is working but does not earn a fortune.

Mother will contribute Attendance Allowance and state pension, a drop in the ocean and is expecting my friend J to pay for everything.

Can anybody suggest what my friend J can do? Is she legally bound to pay for everything? Siblings do not want to know that mother doesn't care as mother thinks it is J's job to care for her.

Very difficult as she refuses to do anything for herself, including feeding, as she thinks it is J's job. J is self-employed and her husband is working, so not a fortune is being earned.

theworriedwell Tue 07-Oct-25 14:51:14

I think giving away her house and savings would be classed as deprivation of assets so I don't think they will get any help.

TheHorticulturalHussy Tue 07-Oct-25 15:37:32

J needs to state to the discharge team that she is unable to have her mother living with her any more, doesn’t need to give a reason. However, unless I have misinterpreted, the house ‘given’ to J will be likely included in mother’s assets and deemed available to be sold to pay for residential care. As pp has said it will probably be seen as deprivation of assets. Ditto anything given to siblings.
That said, if there’s nothing in writing then mum hasn’t actually given anyone anything? Apologies for any misunderstanding but it’s a bit confusing.

pably15 Tue 07-Oct-25 15:46:55

yes, J needs to tell social worker that she won't be looking after her, they can't force her, but as The worried well says, giving her house and money away is classed as deprivation of assets. this will be used to keep her , it's up to social services to see that she's looked after.

Charleygirl5 Wed 08-Oct-25 09:46:51

Thanks for your input.

Dontcallmelove Wed 08-Oct-25 09:53:35

So is J living in her mother’s house, or was the house sold?

Allsorts Thu 09-Oct-25 06:47:27

I cannot believe this. These three siblings have had no qualms about their mother giving everything away to them. They should give every penny back and it should go towards the mothers care home fees, Expect it already been spent now though, if so they should sell their homes and give the money back and buy a home they can afford even if it's a caravan.Mother is bedridden whether by choice or bad health, it is so wrong what has happened. It's deprivation of assets to they own mother however bad she is.

NotSpaghetti Thu 09-Oct-25 11:45:13

Nothing in writing, but mother has given the house to my friend J and all savings between J's sisters.

When was the "gift"?
How has this been done if not legally?
I think I'm missing something here.

LOUISA1523 Thu 09-Oct-25 13:40:24

Its deprivation of assets

Charleygirl5 Thu 09-Oct-25 14:24:39

NotSpaghetti it was mentioned verbally to J and her sisters and I have no idea when.

I am unsure if J and OH ever moved out because I have only known her when they all lived under the same roof.

It is only in the last few months that her mother has retired to bed, expecting to be waited on hand and foot. J and OH pay all of the bills.

DaisyAnneReturns Thu 09-Oct-25 15:50:37

theworriedwell

I think giving away her house and savings would be classed as deprivation of assets so I don't think they will get any help.

My immediate thought too.

Jaxjacky Thu 09-Oct-25 16:02:18

If there is nothing wrong with the mother J should just stop attending to her every whim. When she’s hungry enough she can find the kitchen, ditto the washing machine for clean clothes. It may be painful in the short term, but staying in bed all day is detrimental to her health anyway.

NotSpaghetti Thu 09-Oct-25 20:16:36

By making substantial contributions - I think that over time your friend could have a beneficial interest or share in the property's value, even if their name isn't on the legal deeds.

But I don't understand how they get to have taken out a mortgage (because someone who owned it would surely have had to offer it as surity?)...

I think your friend should see a solicitor ASAP.
If the gifts were years ago it will be different to gifting them more recently .

Romola Wed 15-Oct-25 13:57:50

Get a good solicitor onto this chaotic and inequitable state of affairs.

readsalot Wed 15-Oct-25 18:35:15

If there is nothing in writing, J’s mother has not given her the house or anything else. I’m sorry to sound harsh, but J is behaving like a doormat and her mother is treating her like one. She needs to get in touch with social services on her mother’s behalf and get things sorted out properly.

newnanny Thu 16-Oct-25 17:52:10

If the gift was not done legally in writing the mother still owns the house. If she gave all of her money away that will be deprivation of assets and council will ask to see years of her bank statements so will spot it if in last 6 years. If J can no longer manage her Mum's care then the attendance allowance and should be paying towards a carer to come in to care for the mother and pension paid towards food and heating. The house might need to be sold to pay for Mother to go into a care home if J can no longer care for her Mum.

Charleygirl5 Thu 16-Oct-25 19:16:54

The house and money are just carrots being dangled. I believe SS is now involved.

Mother is registered blind, is very weak, but the latter has been self-inflicted in my opinion. She has tea and food brought to her bedroom.

I agree, J can't take out a mortgage as she doesn't own the house. I am sure it would be classed as a loan and the interest rate would be higher.