Not sure where to start with this post. It's a lot, so I thought writing this down would help me sort things out for myself a bit, and of course, vent.
My only daughter who is 24 years old grew up a bit sheltered. Husband (daughter's stepfather) and I have always been very protective of her due to personal reasons and have done what we could to help her develop her skills and talents: supported her with money, studies, finals, anything. She did internships abroad which we (partly) funded. We are very proud of her as she has grown into a bright, personable, charming, beautiful young woman (if I may say so myself). A year ago she got her master's degree, and now she is working a job she is very passionate about.
Sadly she is wanting to throw all of this away due to a 'relationship' she has with a man she has only met once in real life. The first time she brought this man up was at dinner; she told us she had been writing back and forth with an incarcerated person as part of some kind of social initiative. Not out of character for my daughter as she is active within charities. I have always been supportive of this as I think it's good to be forgiving, empathic, and kind. Still, I was worried because, as much as I believe in second chances, inmates are still possibly dangerous. I had so many questions. My husband straight up told her she had to quit doing this, as it would inevitably end up in a big old mess. The topic died down and my daughter did not bring up the letter writing thing for a couple of months.
Then suddenly about a month ago she dropped a new bomb on us, being that she has started a relationship with this prisoner she's been writing. This man is nearly 35 years old so 11 years her senior and his charge is horrifying. It is a violent crime he was convicted for, not something like drugs (which is still illegal, don't misunderstand, but different in nature in my opinion) and is serving a basically unending sentence. It seems like this man has her in some sort of delusional state, she sees everything as a fairy tale. She has described her boyfriend as 'amazing, kind, and clever' and that he has a lot of remorse for what he did. That through this back and forth correspondence she has learned a lot of things about life as well, things she could not have learned from anyone else she has ever met. Mind you, she has never had a solid, long-term relationship. If this can be considered a relationship, this is her first. With a man more than 10 years older than she is. It's horrifying to even think about but unfortunately it gets worse.
Now this inmate is in another state, and my daughter has recently told us she made the decision to move there, so that she can regularly visit (as opposed to the one visit she has made thus far - we didn't even know about this). No concrete plans yet but she said she is going to do this, whether we approve or not.
I've tried expressing just how insane this is to her but she will not listen. There is a mute button inside of her brain right now that is blocking all logic and will not accept any of mine or my husband's thoughts. Moreover she is hurt by our opinion of this relationship and has gone a week NC because "she is an adult and she can make her own decisions". I don't disagree. She IS an adult. She IS capable of making her own decisions. But as her mother is it so bad that I am concerned for her? I worry she is throwing her life away for a man with a criminal record like his, whose chances of ever getting out are small to begin with.
Besides that I worry if this relationship is at all genuine from his side, what if it isn't and he is conning other women alongside her? I have heard of those things happening, inmates doing this sort of stuff for money or favors.
I don't want to lose her, but the situation feels so hopeless. My husband and I don't know what to do. We don't want to lose her, not to this relationship or to our feelings coming across all wrong.
