How can I tell my son to leave his marriage

Tread carefully. I know it is hard to witness your dear AC in a relationship that seems to you unhappy, but if they stay together then this person will be in your life for the long haul and any derogatory statements from you could come back to bite you and cause estrangement.

Unless he approaches you with a statement that he is unhappy in the relationship then you must say nothing. If he does, then again I think you must be careful how you conduct this conversation: just be a listening ear and reassure him that you are there for him whatever he decides, but it would be unwise to collude in criticizing your son's partner.

I would be interested to know why she didn't want to be introduced to the other people? I appreciate it looks and sounds very rude, is she suffering from social anxiety , does she think that she won't be accepted by people.

I know it's not easy, but you really would be wise to stay out of this completely.
If something does happen, then you can offer your son all the support he needs. But until then, stay quiet.

agnurse

Allsorts

As a general rule of thumb, it's best for adult children not to tell parents about problems in their relationships and it's best for parents not to get involved in their adult children's relationships. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that by definition a parent is not an objective third party when it comes to an adult child's relationship. This can cause issues.

Absolutely. I would think this is obvious.

Allsorts

Blessed Art. Poster is not meddling just concerned and why not. You seem to think mother's of sons switch off once they leave home. Why shouldn't her son tell his own mother if he trusts her? I would be the last to know if my sons marriage were in trouble but not everyone is the same. I wouldn't judge the situation..

Asking how to tell someone else to leave their marriage is meddling. That’s not unclear or confusing to anyone with healthy boundaries and relationships.

As a mother of son—one who actually has a healthy, close relationship—I really don’t need you to tell me about it.

Allsorts

As a general rule of thumb, it's best for adult children not to tell parents about problems in their relationships and it's best for parents not to get involved in their adult children's relationships. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that by definition a parent is not an objective third party when it comes to an adult child's relationship. This can cause issues.

Blessed Art. Poster is not meddling just concerned and why not. You seem to think mother's of sons switch off once they leave home. Why shouldn't her son tell his own mother if he trusts her? I would be the last to know if my sons marriage were in trouble but not everyone is the same. I wouldn't judge the situation..

The next time he tells you he is unhappy in his marriage, I would ask him why he stays? Life is too short to live in a loveless marriage.I would tell him whatever he decides to do he has your support. You are better on your own than with the wrong person and he has to make up his own mind. I would be
worried for him too,

Readerjb

Thank you foxie48. Your well considered advice is appreciated. I have never criticised his wife to him , but just two hours ago he is intimating that it’s all over. They separated two years ago, reconciling in August last year. Early hopes of Marriage 2.0 are now failing.

This sounds all too familiar. My brother is doing this same thing with his later in life wife. They've split up and reconciled countless times. So don't think it's over till it's over.

Every time he is on the brink, she does something to get him back. He worries about how much he'd owe her in equity of their home when he filed for divorce and it wouldn't have been that bad but after too many years of this back and forth, there could be an argument now for a reset of the date of separation and he'd never be able to pay her how much the equity has gone up.

He hooked me twice into giving him money at the so called end of the line he had to get her out moments. I didn't want to but he was very desperate both times.

He was kinda ghosting me for awhile lately, so I asked is he coming to Thanksgiving and then he had to admit he was going to her sisters' house.

I said oh you are back together? He literally said if it made me feel better to think that........like, what???

He was denying it yet he is skipping my house this year for her sisters and that's not "back together?". They were not even talking to each other a couple months ago when he came begging for help.

I just can't believe the denial, why hide it, I was always trying to get him to not divorce her .

I really think he hid it from me, hoping just in case this latest attempt backfires, he can get more money from me to start up the divorce a third time. There is no other explanation.

Well, I was fooled twice. Not gonna fall for it again. He wants a divorce later, he will have to either pay for it himself or put up with her treatment of him which has always been bad when she thinks he won't go through with the divorce.

I wasted some of the good money my parents left on this. No more. It's just maddening, watching this up and down marriage of his for the last 8 years and him always wanting out and asking me to help. He works full time, he could just save up the money next time for all I care.

So your son's marriage 2.0 might go south for awhile and then they could easily begin marriage 3.0, 4.0, on and on.....so what you gotta do is NOT assume this is it and you should give it a push.....you will be sorry , and you will end up the bad guy.

If it isn't going to last, they will decide that, nobody else can do it for them. And don't give him money to do it either........

Sodapop: you reported me? For what?

Strange that his wife had not met his best friends family. Perhaps they have separate social lives?
I say the same as everyone else. Be there for him but let him sort out his own problems.

Reported

His life, his marriage, his decision. He is an adult.
If he is not happy with his marriage he will know what to do.

Thank you foxie48. Your well considered advice is appreciated. I have never criticised his wife to him , but just two hours ago he is intimating that it’s all over. They separated two years ago, reconciling in August last year. Early hopes of Marriage 2.0 are now failing.

I hardly think that's a reason for someone to abandon their marriage. You may not know all the facts behind this and it is best that you don't interfere.

Readerjb

These answers are pretty much what I expected. It breaks my heart when he tells me how unhappy he is in the marriage. All I’ve said so far as that we love him and will support whatever decision he comes to. Maybe that’s all I need to say …

There is no maybe. That is the only answer. Meddling in anyone’s marriage is wrong. Your son needs a marriage counselor. He shouldn’t be airing his marital issues with his mother.

You really can't interfere in your son's marriage. If it's as bad as you think it is, he will be fully capable of ending the relationship on his own. Telling him your opinion will only finish badly.

The less said the better….

Readerjb

His wife of ten years is cold and hard. First evidence: they were attending my son’s best friend’s wedding. When son asked wife to come up and be introduced to the groom’s brothers, she flatly refused. He asked again, she said no. How can they be happy when she is so inconsiderate?

OP, perhaps you could pose this question over on Mumsnet when you will have an undoubtedly unequivocal response?!

Esmay

You can't tell your son to leave his marriage.
It's his life and his decision .

Totally in agreement.

His marriage, his marital partner, his business.

Whatever you opinion of your son's wife - you cannot and must not advise him to leave, unless he actually comes and tells you he is considering doing so.

And even if he should tell you, he is contemplating divorce, in your place I would tell my son that the decision must be his, but that I would help him in any way I could.

His marriage, his business, his decision. Be a listening ear for him but don’t influence his decision. It’s hard when your adult child is unhappy. But they are the ones to make a decision.

None of your business and as to saying anything!!!!!!!!. have you considered just walking up to him and asking to be estranged? much simpler and fewer recriminations - because that is what will happen if you do as you suggest.

You can't. It is his decision alone.

I’ve three sons two married I wouldn’t dream of interfering. I love them all and yes I can see when they’re unhappy but it’s up to them to come to me not the other way round.