How can I tell my son to leave his marriage

Readerjb

Thanks everyone. I hadn’t looked back at this thread, as I was apparently reported. I’ve reassured my son that my husband and I will support him in whatever decision he makes. We’ve offered financial support (if he needs to rent), but he says they’re fine financially. I suppose I’ll just keep watching this slow-moving train wreck with my mouth zipped closed. DIL’s mother has now phoned me three times, knowing they are unhappy, and trying to get some details. I was NOT the one to tell her of her daughter’s affair. I plan to imitate a bollard in a stormy sea - silent, but secure

I came back to check on this. You are doing the wisest thing, as many here have advised. Being supportive and staying out of it.....sound advice. It's hard, against all motherly instinct, but it may just save your relationship with your son.

Don't interfere! If he wants to talk or let off steam let him do so but if he asks what he should do or whatever don't be drawn on it. Just say you must do what feels right for you and keep deflecting back to him. Whether he stays, goes or whatever just be supportive to him and sit on the fence.

I cannot imagine a man who has so much negativity to say about his own wife behind her back is some innocent victim. Not caring to be introduced to the your husband’s friend’s brothers is hardly a crime and certainly not worthy of trashing your spouse. Your son needs to grow up and handle his marital issues like an adult, or divorce and get on with his life. His behaviour reflects quite poorly on himself. Having that said, it’s good you see the wisdom of staying out of the mess. Hopefully your DIL’s mother will do the same. Shame on her for attempting to gossip about her daughter’s marriage. Multiple messy people in this situation for sure.

Readerjb

These answers are pretty much what I expected. It breaks my heart when he tells me how unhappy he is in the marriage. All I’ve said so far as that we love him and will support whatever decision he comes to. Maybe that’s all I need to say …

That is the right thing to say. Leave it at that and wait

Readerjb

These answers are pretty much what I expected. It breaks my heart when he tells me how unhappy he is in the marriage. All I’ve said so far as that we love him and will support whatever decision he comes to. Maybe that’s all I need to say …

Perhaps tell your son you're uncomfortable listening to negative talk, change the subject. Never express opinions or advice on son's marriage.

You can’t, obviously. He’s an adult, he’ll make up his own mind.

Allira

sharon103

Old thread. Oct 25

Yes, but the OP came back with an update.

Best stay out of it Readerjb but be there if needed, without taking sides

Oh yes, Sorry.

sharon103

Old thread. Oct 25

Yes, but the OP came back with an update.

Best stay out of it Readerjb but be there if needed, without taking sides

Old thread. Oct 25

Readerjb

These answers are pretty much what I expected. It breaks my heart when he tells me how unhappy he is in the marriage. All I’ve said so far as that we love him and will support whatever decision he comes to. Maybe that’s all I need to say …

Yes, that is all you can say, Readerjb.
It must be hard to see your son unhappy, but you must let him and his wife come to any decisions without any interference from you. As you say, be there to support him, but don’t say anything else.

Some people don't like to be trotted out like a performing pony at a show ring.
Maybe she felt he wanted to show off his trophy wife and she wasn't playing.
You'll never really know and are obviously biased.
Best to stay out of it.

So who is the common denominator in the failed marriages?
Maybe look closer at your son and his behaviour.Everyone on here is happy to blame the wife….maybe your golden boy isn,t great at marriage and she may well have reasons to be difficult.
It’s rarely one sided in any relationship

It was your son's best friend's wedding- his friend. The groom's brothers were also in attendance, as presumably were the groom's father, mother, cousins aunts etc.

I can't see how can it be said your DIL is inconsiderate for, according to your son, not wanting to get up and go to be introduced to the groom's brothers.

If the groom's brothers had any interest in being introduced to their friend's wife, ie your DIL they could have been considerate come over to her to introduce themselves?

You appear to have a negative confirmation bias- don't let it adversely affect your son and his marriage.

Wet her pants! It’s the first time I’ve been able to look at this in a light hearted way 🙃. Thank you Gransnetters for listening, and giving consideration to my distress. Now to be that bollard …

Oh come on Perhaps she’d just wet her pants why she wanted to stay seated Readerjb🤣
I think you need to stop thinking about this and just get on as normal, if the tide changes and he wants help I m sure he ll come to you.
When my youngest got divorced she said to me don’t ask any questions I ll tell you when I m ready I said ok. Ten years on from the divorce I ve still never heard why ( although I ve got my own thoughts )

To David 49 - the groom is a wonderful man, and a good friend since the start of high school. DIL was looking fabulous at the wedding, but absolutely determined to stay seated. DS very embarrassed in front of us that she wouldn’t come up to be introduced to his brothers. Looked like a power play to me

Readerjb

His wife of ten years is cold and hard. First evidence: they were attending my son’s best friend’s wedding. When son asked wife to come up and be introduced to the groom’s brothers, she flatly refused. He asked again, she said no. How can they be happy when she is so inconsiderate?

Maybe she has good reason to want to avoid grooms brothers, maybe she thinks the groom is a bad influence on her husband.

You have no idea what is going on in their marriage, dont get involved, dont say a word.

Good for you Readerjb it’s the way to go. Listen and keep schtum.

Thanks everyone. I hadn’t looked back at this thread, as I was apparently reported. I’ve reassured my son that my husband and I will support him in whatever decision he makes. We’ve offered financial support (if he needs to rent), but he says they’re fine financially. I suppose I’ll just keep watching this slow-moving train wreck with my mouth zipped closed. DIL’s mother has now phoned me three times, knowing they are unhappy, and trying to get some details. I was NOT the one to tell her of her daughter’s affair. I plan to imitate a bollard in a stormy sea - silent, but secure

Be there as support for your son but don't interfere. My son is going through a break up and there are lots of things I would like to say but I won't. "Least said, soonest mended" as the old saying goes.

Best to not involve one’s self so deeply in the marital issues of others. If it gets to the point where you feel it’s best to cut someone off for them not doing what you want with their romantic relationship, your involvement went too far. Healthy boundaries help to keep families closer.

Do not interfere and keep your thoughts to yourself. If you say anything you risk estranging your family. Please do not do anything and let the couple get on with it.

Plus....,my mom actually paid for a detective to find his real mom when he was an adult so he could know her. He did know her and she was excited; introduced him to all her family and his half sister.

Well, all that lasted about 2 years and he decided he didn't need her or them.

Kinda like, he's really not a good person.

Yet I saw how loving my parents were to him, never treated him at all different than me.

Moral of the story is, sometimes it's not the parents fault.

Oh, I'm sorry. It must be confusing when I mentioned my parents giving me a brother. That is literally what they did; my mom could not have any more children, so they adopted my brother so I would not be an only child.

Sorry, I forgot to include that in the story!

Allsorts

The next time he tells you he is unhappy in his marriage, I would ask him why he stays? Life is too short to live in a loveless marriage.I would tell him whatever he decides to do he has your support. You are better on your own than with the wrong person and he has to make up his own mind. I would be
worried for him too,

Yes....that is a very good question. Which I have asked before. Seems it was always about not having money to do it or when she realized he was serious about it, once when she does a 180 and he's ok with her again.

Up until she happened to see the proposal of their already filed 2 years ago divorce recently, which I paid the lawyer for, she was not speaking to him at all! No interaction

He first filed and I helped with the retainer. When that happened, she went from not speaking or interacting with him to suddenly a wife again. Then fast forward 2 years and he tells me for a whole year, again, they are like stranger roomates.

So I put down the money for a proposal that was needed to move forward and she sees it, and panics, does the 180 degrees and they are back together again.

But this time he tried to deny it , told me they were not together, yet he is spending Thanksgiving with her sister and he has gone to things I found out with her before this, all the time telling me things were the same as before, which was not speaking.

He's had a history of neglecting my parents and me. Was barely an uncle to my kids and never cared to spend any time with my grandkids. He has skipped out on all holidays for almost 2 years now, including birthdays and literally just hanging out.

So this is sort of the last straw for me.

Another thing I asked him to think about is.......how she has treated him when she thought he wasn't going to do anything about it. It was bad. He was miserable.

She is divorced, they are older and she really has nothing much. She could stand to get a lot of equity in the house plus permanent alimony, according to our US state laws, if they are married for 10 years or more and I think she knows that and that's why she's still there.

They will have been married for 9 years next year. It's getting close enough; some judges don't let a year or less difference matter....so he will be on the hook. She is biding her time and then she can go back to treating him anyway she wants because by then, she'll get so much he won't be able to do it without financial ruin.

If he had went through with it the first time, he would have been financially ok.

Anyway, I figure after the 10 year mark, she'll have the upper hand and go back to the way she treated him before. His misery will be his own doing this time. I will not care anymore.

Of course, I am sad. I've never written off a family member in my life. And some deserve it still, but this will be the first, it's not at all in my nature.

I am planning on cutting all contact. IF he happens to try, which I even wonder if he will (if he doesn't' need money) I will not refuse contact but I will not go out of my way to invite him to things anymore.

If he wants, he will have to ask, although I get the feeling he won't because he hasn't cared to participate in our family gatherings for these last two years.

It's ok. I've reached my max and I think I'm better off without the brother my parents thought I needed. They tried.

Maybe a good lesson, not to force perfection in life. An only child situation isn't perfect, but it would have been better.

And what money I have left from them is staying in the bank from now on.