Fed up of being alone and a false widow

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Essexgirl145

I'm 80, on my own in an independant living complex. They have a coffee morning once a week which I thought I would have a go at. I'm not good socially as I have Vitiligo (White patches on the skin} in my case autoimmune.. One of the ladies down there told me I was someone who no one wanted to be around. I was totaly crushed as we all have something in old age. She was a Quaker, I have a very dim view of these so called Religous groups. I keep my self to myself now, but I'm sure the loneliness will kill me eventually.

She sounds like a disgusting woman! How could somebody be so cruel?

" They said at our age, we will end up either as a nurse or a purse"

what a good way of putting it! Well I was a purse for the Abusive husband and THAT will never happen again Ince bitten.
I have no intention of being a nurse, except of course one cannot predict what will happen in life and with anyone you love and respect its "till death do us part" whatever the age, however, given the fact that most men die earlier I'm thinking someone younger than me.

I look younger than I am thanks purely to a lifetime - nearly 50 years now - of yoga and other exercise as I happen to love exercise.

But if it's real attraction and kindness and respect, it's not a rule "younger man" but part of the equation? And they might not want to take someone on who is emotionally vulnerable with some degree of MH stuff. I can be over-sensitive.

Thank you

My mam was widowed at the age of 61 when my dad died aged only 58. She said that he would never be replaced because he was such a lovely gentle, kind and caring gentleman. She lived until she was 99. She had joined lots of things including hospital visitor. Mam was never going to be anyone’s nurse or purse - her words. She loved closing her door and having peace of mind. Take care and please don’t rush into anything. Enjoy life and be free.

I have never been to a u3a meeting but my local u3a has a group for ‘members on their own’ for people who are single, separated, divorced and widowed.

If you like music, have a look at your local cafes and bars, see whether any of them feature live jazz night shows.

I remember once reading on Gransnet - a lady went on a Cunard cruise with her husband. Every time she went to eat on her own, she was approached by her fellow male passengers.

Not sure about internet dating, there is the risk of ‘meeting’ romance scammers.

Sorry to read about the sexual assaults. I used to work in a predominately male industry, the men I met including my former male colleagues are decent guys. However, you cannot afford to be sensitive if you work with men.

I had a discussion with my female friends once, some of them are married, some on their own, but all of them said they are not interested in pursing a new relationship now or in the future. They said at our age, we will end up either as a nurse or a purse.

Because I wasn't widowed after a happy marriage, but left an abusive one, and in good physical health, not ready to give up quite yet at 74: but concentrating on leading my own good life as far as possible given I have MH issues:

but this thread has been very valuable and much food for thought, and I thank you all. As regards sexuality, there are ways and means for us.

You are more than welcome. 🤗🤗

Thank you purplepixie

My young relative let out a room in their house to a student, all done through the university. They did the vetting process etc. It was problem free and they got on very well with the students who stayed.

For Heaven’s sake! While I am sympathetic to all those who have had ghastly experiences, really, why expose yourself to this nonsense, once over a certain age? I’ve been widowed 5 years, and would never consider another relationship- time left does not allow enough years to really get to know somebody, plus there is the risk of deterioration of health, both physical and mental. Yes, it’s lonely at times, and a bit sad to think you will never again have a proper snog or bedtime cuddle, but better safe than sorry!!😊

women heal women

So we do. Our friendships light our lives and see us through man troubles, if we are fortunate.

I’m so saddened reading some of these posts. I’m not shocked to hear about the sexual assaults though. There are some men who think this behaviour is normal.

Please don’t go out of your way and put yourself in danger to meet someone due to being lonely. A person can be lonely in a marriage or a crowded room.

Do you do crafts? Maybe start a little knitting or crochet circle in your own home?

Take care and try and stay strong. Also look after your health. Someone once said to me years ago that women heal women. X

Surely you know the people at your Italian classes. If you don’t feel comfortable inviting people to your home, then arrange to meet in a pub or other public place.

Your U3A may not offer WYBIG. If may only be a local initiative but if it does exist for your local group then you would only be extending invitations to other U3A members to do things where you meet in a public place.

Thank you paynesgrey
It’s a very good idea but how do you know it’s safe ?
How do you know you re not going to attract the wrong sort of people ?
Maybe I haven’t quite understood how it works ?

… I go to Italian lessons and I love that but it hasn’t led to possible friendship with a man ... I am interested in history, cinema … I go to church most weeks.

It seems to me that if were to think of ways to increase social interaction in the evening and weekends generally rather than thinking of opportunities to meet a man, then the one might lead to the other natually. You did say in your opening post that you would prefer meeting someone in a natural way.

Say we focus on Italian, your interest in history and your faith. Your local U3A may offer interest groups for those things already or may not. Mine has French, Spanish and Italian groups, a group for local history, a group discussing philosophy and religion and a church visiting group. Now these do take place in the daytime but what’s to stop you offering something in the evening in your home or in the pub or elsewhere, either through the U3A or independently.

You could sound out your fellow students about starting a supper and Italian conversation group or a wine and Italian group. You could subscribe to a popular Italian language magazine and use the articles as a focus discussion. Or, as you are also interested in cinema, why not invite a few people round and rent Italian language fllms (with subtitles). You can rent DVDs from Cinema Paradiso. All these things help to widen your exposure to the language and Italian culture.

I mentioned on another thread that our U3A has a WYBIG Whats App group. Would You Be Interested in Going? It’s for people seeking company for one-off events, to ask others if they would like to go to something. So you might say: The Odeon has Opera to Screen next week showing Rigoletto. Would anyone like to go? Art galleries have Italian collections. I don’t know if you can get to London easily. The Estorick Collection of Modern Italian Art in London is a great place to visit. Try a WYBIG to find someone to join you in having a day out there.

Be assured, you won’t be the only person feeling lonely in the evenings and at weekends, especially at this time of year when it’s dark so early. The key is not to be frightened to reach out to find other people who would like some company.

Have you thought about hosting a refugee from Ukraine? There is a process to go through to get the visa and approval from the local authority, but I found it very rewarding and although the lady and her daughter no longer live with me, they are close by and we chat regularly. There is some work initially in getting things in place but there is a lot of information on Facebook where a group of women set up a matching service and give a lot of advice. The group is called Sunflower Sisters. You also get a monthly sum from the Local Authority as you cannot charge rent. Just a thought that it might be of interest.

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you everybody for your kind answers and advice / words of encouragement
I love dancing and I have tried to join a group but all the people there were as a couple and I was the only one on my own so it made me feel really awkward / depressed because it felt like I was billynomates
I go to Italian lessons and I love that but it hasn’t led to possible friendship with a man
I am interested in history , cinema, travelling , walking as much as my arthritic right knee will allow me to !
I did also learn bellringing through my husband and I wouldn’t mind going back to that but I have a problem with my right shoulder ( rotator cuff tear)
I have a dog and I have looked for local dog walkers groups but can’t find any
I go to church most weeks

I think more friendships with women will make you feel a bit less alone, even if you want a man in your life.

Believe me, "finding a man" doesn't make loneliness go, loneliness is a state of mind as well as the people around us. Can you ask yourself, "why do I see having a man as an answer to my loneliness?

I get so very much out of the women I meet in the gym, so very many natters, which is one that has many elderly members.

Locally, here, there are walking groups that always have 2 levels: a group that walks for maybe 80 mins, but one that does slow 20 minutes walks Ask at your local library for any details.

Essexgirl145

I'm 80, on my own in an independant living complex. They have a coffee morning once a week which I thought I would have a go at. I'm not good socially as I have Vitiligo (White patches on the skin} in my case autoimmune.. One of the ladies down there told me I was someone who no one wanted to be around. I was totaly crushed as we all have something in old age. She was a Quaker, I have a very dim view of these so called Religous groups. I keep my self to myself now, but I'm sure the loneliness will kill me eventually.

Dear Esssexgirl No way should you go by that one Quaker. I am one and we are full of care for each other.. You've either met a very bad egg

or - her age has overwhelmed her good sense and ordinary kindness. I admire a Quaker Elderly Freind in supported living, and I'm be absolutely honest, as she passed 85 or so she got snappy and quite nasty. Letters of complaint about this and that

Peoples character can change -or , as is sometimes the case, people who who had a suppressed nasty streak inside, covered it up doing most of their life - it starts coming out if people get bitter or disinhibited.

You sound a fine and sensitive person. don't let the nasty ones get you down. For all you know, quite a few people are afraid of her snappy words.

Try and think of someone you feel is more kind. Just make a point of saying "hello" to them....take knitting or a book down to the communal area when it's coffee time, and remember - YOU are the sensitive and thoughtful person, NOT her.

When at work I volunteered with an organisation and made contact with the clients in the evening. Visited them chatted, went out for a light meal(usually a pub) visited theatres, cinema. Some had their own club but had grown withdrawn and needed someone to accompany them. If it is just a contact for "getting out" and it doesn't need to be a male there are organisations out there that may be able to meet your needs.

Thank you everybody for your kind answers and advice / words of encouragement
I love dancing and I have tried to join a group but all the people there were as a couple and I was the only one on my own so it made me feel really awkward / depressed because it felt like I was billynomates
I go to Italian lessons and I love that but it hasn’t led to possible friendship with a man
I am interested in history , cinema, travelling , walking as much as my arthritic right knee will allow me to !
I did also learn bellringing through my husband and I wouldn’t mind going back to that but I have a problem with my right shoulder ( rotator cuff tear)
I have a dog and I have looked for local dog walkers groups but can’t find any
I go to church most weeks

I had a Judicial Separation from my husband when his mental condition made it impossible for us to live together. We never divorced because it was not his fault he had suffered brain damage and because he still needed someone who could stand up for him as Next of Kin. The legal Separation was mainly to give me financial autonomy from him, so I could bring up our two children, who were still young. I was in my early 40s.

I did date. The fact that I was separated was never hidden and was not a problem. I mainly dated men in a similar position. We both then understood that there was baggage on both sides which had to be accomodated, not ignored. Children came first. If a date had to be postponed or cancelled because a child on either side needed the parent's personal attention, then so be it. The same for the not-quite-ex.

I had three quite long-term, non live-together, relationships over the 9 years until my husband's death and the children adored two of them, but weren't sure about the other being "right" for me! They even discussed it with their father who said it wasn't his business. They were older by then and didn't actually dislike him, so they decided it was totally up to me. Two were "natural" meetings and one was through a Postal dating site, pre-internet.
After my husband's death I did meet my "forever" man on an Internet dating site, a divorcee. My children (young adults by then) totally approved of him, luckily. His took longer. We have considered ourselves partners for 21 years, although we have never lived together. By the time we met we were both too used to living on our own. Sadly he is in very poor health now and we rarely see each other, living in different towns as we have always done.

Sometimes there are situations where Divorce does not seem the right thing to do. Life still has to be lived in the best possible way, according to the circumstances. I wish the OP the best possible life and may the fates look on you kindly in your search for a companion.

Wyllow3

PS, its put me off men quite a bit for now, but then I'd already been tested as in abusive Ex, and decided I would like to"an other" in my life - to "hold and be held". to share the everyday. Not to live with. I like my life alone well enough.

I'm aware at 74 it's a big ask, but I am fortunate to have a loving family and friends - able to chat here on Gransnet, on one more benign chat room, and men I do trust, good, decent people, in my political life.