Fed up of being alone and a false widow

Even if you were to meet someone you got on with, as you are married, it would mean you would still be living alone so it wouldn’t solve that problem. Could you perhaps have a female lodger such as a student just for company? Or bring your husband home and have carers for him?

Thank you skydancer
I have thought about a lodger but I think it’s a bit risky nowadays or at least that’s my opinion
I ve been warned of how difficult it would be to bring him back home by numerous people , including people on this forum and that it wouldn’t solve loneliness necessarily
If I met someone, maybe I wouldn’t have to live with him full time but at weekends , for holidays, occasional meals out , it would be a start. A relief

I'm sort of looking for someone at 74 (tho a horrible thing happened on oct 12th, I was sexually attacked in a place I felt safe and there ar eploice an such like ahead for me, which as out me off)

and the only way at our age I think is by being involved in things, although I'd prefer that friends may ask their single friends who might seem suitable arrange an old fashioned "introduction".

I go to a gym, I'm in the `Labour Party, and a Quaker and try to look my best out and about and in my regular Cafe. I'm aware too that in the supermarket in the evenings there ar lots of "singles" but mostly much younger, retired single men tend to shop in the day.

But most of all Id say - enjoy your women friends! Do things together. I have been alone for 4 years now and am happy in my company in the evenings. I like being able to completely please myself

As regards your DH, it's clear you dont want to have him back? or is it?.

I understand why you feel alone. It’s a horrid position that you’re in.

Rather than looking for a someone, to ease your loneliness maybe concentrate on tackling the loneliness itself by filling your life with things you enjoy doing. That way you will meet people that enjoy those things too and will have a common bond. Then friendships develop.

Some years ago I met a very nice man on a holiday and we enjoyed many things together for a number of years. Last week I was invited to the theatre by someone who knew we would both enjoy the play. My allotment has produced more than vegetables😬

I’m not sure dating sites are the right place particularly as you are still married. A man who is looking for a new wife won’t be interested and I don’t think someone who wants a casual hookup is what you’re looking for.

I get that you would like a man in your life but actually I really miss my departed female friends as much as I miss my husband.

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you skydancer
I have thought about a lodger but I think it’s a bit risky nowadays or at least that’s my opinion
I ve been warned of how difficult it would be to bring him back home by numerous people , including people on this forum and that it wouldn’t solve loneliness necessarily
If I met someone, maybe I wouldn’t have to live with him full time but at weekends , for holidays, occasional meals out , it would be a start. A relief

If you try internet dating, you could truthfully describe yourself as "separated. " On a first date , if asked, you can then say you are permanently living apart because your husband now lives in a care home.

If your "application" requires you to state your intention, you can say something like " companionship for daytime or evening outings" which shows you are not looking for either fulltime relationship or to share your home with a live-in chap.

Of course you need company and someone to go around with.
I hope you meet some nice people.

My mother was in your position for 8 years. She made sure she always looked nice and made new friends (she had to move house) and got on with her life. How about joining something to do with your hobbies eg an art class or U3A. There will be a mixed group and you will have meetings to go and will hopefully make new friends. Do you have to have a male friend? In this area most of the women I now meet seem to be widowed or divorced and looking for new friends.

What age are you Notjustaprettyface I think a lot depends on that Men on the whole die younger so there is a huge deficit in males in older age
I think you are making a mistake looking outright for love I think you should combat your loneliness by doing ‘stuff’ with men and women and who knows what might come into your life
I m personally very content living alone after a lot of marriage/ partnership turmoils I love shutting my door at night and just doing whatever I want how I want it and when I want ’ but maybe I m older than you

Hello bluebelle
I am 67
I am lonely in the evenings and at weekends essentially
If I could find a female friend who would like to live with me ( I am not homosexual)
That would be great but it s unlikely isn’t it ?

Hello Humbertbear
Please see reply I made to bluebelle

Thank you butter and jam

What a sad situation.

67 is far too young to continue to be lonely.

Mad thought, but have you thought about getting a dog?

Dog walkers are so friendly and always talk, or if this is a step too far, there’s a website called “borrow my dog” which I’m assuming is about walking other people’s dogs.

If this doesn’t float your boat, if you’re financially ok, go on a cruise, you’ll meet all kinds of people who will keep you company for a while and those you really get on with you can arrange to stay in touch with via WhatsApp or face time.

Failing this, I can only suggest you google local friendship groups and meet some new people in safe places.

Good luck

Wyllow3

I'm sort of looking for someone at 74 (tho a horrible thing happened on oct 12th, I was sexually attacked in a place I felt safe and there ar eploice an such like ahead for me, which as out me off)

and the only way at our age I think is by being involved in things, although I'd prefer that friends may ask their single friends who might seem suitable arrange an old fashioned "introduction".

I go to a gym, I'm in the `Labour Party, and a Quaker and try to look my best out and about and in my regular Cafe. I'm aware too that in the supermarket in the evenings there ar lots of "singles" but mostly much younger, retired single men tend to shop in the day.

But most of all Id say - enjoy your women friends! Do things together. I have been alone for 4 years now and am happy in my company in the evenings. I like being able to completely please myself

As regards your DH, it's clear you dont want to have him back? or is it?.

Re your first para., what an awful thing to happen, I do hope you’re ok now! Mentally it can be very hard to carry on after something like this and I wish you well

I'm sort of looking for someone at 74 (tho a horrible thing happened on oct 12th, I was sexually attacked in a place I felt safe and there ar eploice an such like ahead for me, which as out me off)

How terrible.
Was it by someone you already know?

You dont have to answer if you dont want to.
You may want to start another thread??

I've put it on another thread already, fancythat, and getting a lot of support.
Yes, it was by someone I knew very well, at Quakers. Quakers are actually very very strict about Safeguarding, and will be taking it to the police. He not only knew me well, but knew I had lived with an abusive husband,

And knew that I am vulnerable Mental health wise. I had a sort of collapse after it all ended with my Ex husband) he even was helping me with that 3 years ago, as was his wife. She has died so he now sees himself as single, as clearly I am.

He found me attractive: he had created in his mind a "romantic" myth (romantic! Huh).

I was aware of this: I tried to avoid him, and expected him to "pick up the message". He is a "hugger\' - some women are fine about a light affectionate hug, others dont.

He has actually already been officially warned "you cannot hug a own unless she has given express permission".

It was when we were all clearing away at the end of the meeting: I went into the room to get my things to go home. he followed me in. He started by saying how confident I was now.

I said specifically I only was confident because I was in a space where I felt save and loved.

He then said, "we havent had a hug for a long time" and jumped me, pressing my breasts to him until I said "you're hurting me" and pulled away.

It's been agonising for me and other Quakers in my meeting, as of course, we care for him as we all do try to with each other. but the consequences are that the Safeguarding People have to report crimes to the police, and I will have to go through with that.

I have rung (yesterday) a wonderful helpline, which is for anyone in a religious context who feels they have been abused, and found nothing but kindness and support.

One Quaker so wrongly tried to say sort of "he's a good person really, he feels sorry for what he has done" which of course is so so wrong: rule number one is at least initially to listen to the victim.

all he has actually apologised for is for "hugging you over-enthusiastically" 😡

the way I see it as a women is that he saw in front of him something glowing and attractive to him, and wanted a piece of it, so jumped me

So - process is in place causing a lot of good people a lot of agonising,

but one thing I can say fortunately is that I did of course have to involve the local police when I was reporting my Ex for coercive abuse,

and encountered at different times two young male policemen, who couldn't have been kinder, from a special unit.

but I` am in all honesty frightened of him, not that he would do it again, but a sort of general fear its brought up. I want justice, then Quakers our way will be to try and see if there can be reconciliation. He offered to stay away from my meeting for 4 weeks, which of course is ludicrous.

There is a meeting today of our little group that looks after the meeting (not me) which are likely to discuss that, and the answer is likely to be "its up to Safeguarding",

as this man can go to another meeting (if they allow him, again, out of my hands, but OK with me) He is a "good person' but needs punishing, doesn't he. I imagine the results of the police would be for a caution, I am clear thats what I want, not revenge.

Something I have thought a lot about recently is how we are affected as to the future by the age at which we are left by death or separation.
The younger ones, when they are ready and if it is something they want, can build a social life or have a new partner far easier than those older.
I have friends, who in their 60s/70s have formed new relationships and are very happy.
I was 81 and worn out when my H died and while I would eventually have liked a companion to go out for a walk, a meal a social occasion but was of course far too old.
I have women friends of my age ,well a tad younger, and we do socialise so I am lucky but there is something different about a male companion.

Like Wyllow3 -
I also suffered from assault.
You just don't expect it when you are a grandmother,but believe me it happens . Violent men don't mellow with age -they just age , but can be just as dangerous as they were when young.

If either of the following events happened to me now (unlikely ,because I don't want to date anymore) I wouldn't hesitate in calling the Police .
At the time,I think that I was actually shell shocked .

It came as a tremendous shock and it's why I urge gransnetters to be very careful.

The first one was sexual .
It happened after knowing a man I met on a dating site months after our first acquaintance.
He was furious because he wanted me to marry him and move into his house ASAP.
When it became obvious to him that things weren't going his way-he forced me to have sex with him over and over again and left .
Proving it would have been difficult as we'd had consensual sex regularly up until that terrible weekend.

The second time the attack that happened was rather different.
Knowing the horrible circumstances of that relationship -a friend introduced me to a man she'd known for some time promising me that he was a real gentleman.
At first , he certainly was . He wanted marriage from the beginning . He was excited about combining our families together.
One of my friends thought that he sounded too good to be true and that his claims to be a film director/producer were a tissue of lies.
How right she was.
She also said that I'm so gullible and trusting and she was right about that too .
His unstable insulin dependent diabetes meant that our relationship would not involve sex -something I accepted.
Suddenly after some months when he picked me up at the station I detected a foul mood.
I was shaken.
It was very late at night . I was feeling rather unwell ,frankly exhausted and on the verge of flu .
There were no trains home .
I wondered about getting a taxi .
It was a long way .
I suddenly realised that he was drunk .
I listened to him ranting and raving and fell asleep on his sofa . .
In the morning he'd sobered up , but was silent .
He wanted to take me to his favourite restaurant for lunch .
I wondered if an apology would ensue .
I stupidly went to the restaurant with him . Alarm bells were ringing in my head and I'd decided that it would be the last meal we'd have together.
He sat silently.
I tried to make pleasant conversation.
When the restaurant emptied he began a tirade against me .
It was all my fault that he was unable to perform .
To my knowledge - his sexual problems had destroyed his marriage.
The restaurant emptied.
Suddenly he reached across the table and shook me violently by my neck .
The bar staff got me a huge brandy and I composed myself in the loo -only then realising that I'd left my bag at his house .
We drove back to his house in silence .
Under his breath I heard him say ,I always spoil things .
I collected my bag and found myself locked in the house .
He laughed and poured himself a drink.
I faked an emergency call and managed to leave .
It was the last time that I saw him.
I received some vile texts for a while and ignored them .
He has since died .

Since then several men have asked me out and I've refused .
I've lost my trust in them .
I enjoy the company of my female friends.
I'd rather be on my own .

"It was all my fault that he was unable to perform ."

And there, my love, is where a lot of it comes from especially as we get older. it was undoubtedly there with my Ex. But you were naive and did take risks, but anyway now you know better x

To be fair, they are brought up with a pressure to be a man and be a man successfully sexually, but as we age there are so many ways round it sexually in an understanding relationship, real love can conquer the difficulties.

But it was salutary to realise that some men see Sex as Conquering, not sharing love. Hats off to the men who let themselves be vulnerable, talk to partners about it, find a way through together, as opposed to either evading it or being brutal and attacking in different ways.

Blimey, Esme and Willow3, you'd think we mature ladies would be safe from men like that! Thank you both so much for telling us what has happened to you - your experiences are a warning to us all!

Wyllow3
Oh gosh. The "over-hugging" "type".

So sorry what happened.
Glad you are getting support.

Esmay
I dont have words.

So you and Wyllow3 to both.

Notjustaprettyface

Hello bluebelle
I am 67
I am lonely in the evenings and at weekends essentially
If I could find a female friend who would like to live with me ( I am not homosexual)
That would be great but it s unlikely isn’t it ?

I do remember you posting about this before but don’t remember too many of the details. Now the site search facility is broken and GN do not intended to fix it, I can’t look up was said before.

My advice is to stop thinking that another man is the answer. Few would want to get embroiled in a delicate situation that could go on for years yet. Anyone who did would probably be married himself because I don't see how this could be an open relationship. Sure, you could join Tinder and find any number of men who want casual sex, but it isn’t going to solve the loneliness you feel other than fleetingly. Indeed, casual, meaningless sex could end up making you feel a darn sight worse.

It sounds like you don’t go out to work and need to find something meaningful to do that you can become immersed in. Without knowing what interests you, it’s impossible to advise but there are plenty of things to do that would keep you busy in the evenings and weekends. What do you like to do?

Look online for you town, city or county volunteer hub. You may be surprised at the range of opportunities on offer that give scope for evening and weekend work.

You could advertise for a lodger. Do you have a university or hospital nearby? Could you offer a room to an undergraduate or student nurse?

Esmay - I dont know much about such things, thankfully, but would it still be "worth" it, reporting the first man to the Police?
It would then be written down as some sort of record?
If he did it again to someone else, it might make a difference?
Feel free to ignore my post.

It h dear, you seem to have got ‘lost” on your own thread Notjustaprettyface.

Do you want to try posting again, a new one, and hopefully get some replies about your dilemma.🙂

I tuned to google

"There is no time limit on reporting sexual offences such as rape and sexual assault. You might be worried that there won't be enough evidence for the police to start an investigation"

My answer should be, how much does it still trouble you, given what you would have to go through. Yes you do need evidence.

I'm aware that although I am very likely to be believed, since the man has in writing admitted to "over enthusiastic hugging" (and pestering me afterwards by asking if I would go on holiday with him)
and has admitted to feeling contrite: ie its clear that the event took place and involved body contact.

I have taken the precaution of asking my NHS Psychologist who went with me through DH the abuse years for what amounts to a character reference which indicates I would never lie on such a matter (guilt would eat me up).

I have asked myslef a lot what I want. of course some of me wants blind revenge, but what I really want is justice, followed by some kind of participation which could include a sort of reconciliation -

depending of course on whether he owns fully, truly truly sorry to his behaviour, and has been "outed" in our group.

Indeed, that will be the greatest punishment, will it not? I'm not going to let the organisation keep it under wraps.