Sister-in-law

I’m sorry for your loss and that awful experience.
I don’t see any need for you to be in touch with your SiL again.
I hope you have other friends and family who raise your spirits.

Thank you - I do. But now and again I feel that I have lost OH and now all the rest of his family and it is a bigger chunk of life than it needs to be maybe.

Exchange Christmas cards and leave it at that.

There are no laws that say we have to keep in contact with our in laws, nor our own family, come to that. If your late DH had had strong feelings about keeping in touch with his sister he would have made more effort when he lived. There is certainly no need for you to keep in contact now he has died.

Sometimes we have to let go. My ex-husband passed away and although my children try to keep the contact going with his family, they don't seem that bothered.

Let go of this person who, as you say, was very insensitive to say the least. Spend time with people who build you up and don't let this woman live in your head.

Luckygirl3

Thank you - I do. But now and again I feel that I have lost OH and now all the rest of his family and it is a bigger chunk of life than it needs to be maybe.

Put it behind you and send a Christmas card. "Thinking of you all and hoping you are well" is enough.

She was probably making a "off the cuff" comment that wasn't intended to criticise.
You were full of grief and very vulnerable.
Thoughtless but not necessarily critical.

Oh I am sorry that this happened at the graveside. How awful!

In her defence I think sometimes it's these very poignant moments when people make gaffes without realising how hurtful and ridiculous they are being.
You don't have to keep contact with her though.

I've invited my DH's brother to dinner tomorrow. We are not close but he is a link with DH and probably the best of the bunch if I include cousins. He has a sister but she lives in England.

Your parents-in-law and brother-in-law have all died and just your sister-in-law remains.

You could just send a card at Christmas for old times sake but there doesn't seem a need to have more contact with her than that unless you do want to keep that link as she was your DH's sister. Was he very fond of her?

Would you choose her as a friend? Probably not so, if she is liable to upset you further, there is no need for more contact than an occasional card, birthday, Christmas.

You not forgiving her is a problem to you.

Has she ever said sorry?

She has never said sorry ... but she, like her mother was is somewhat eccentric and I cannot imagine it would even occur to her that her comments might have been inappropriate or ill-timed.
If at some other time she had asked why burial was chosen I would happily have told her it was OH's choice.

It isn't any of her business whose wishes it may have been.
Some people are just crass and insensitive.
Your SiL sounds very like someone I know- but everyone knows she is like that and so they take no notice.

Personally, and I could be wrong, I think there is a difference, or even a big difference, between people who we know mean to hurt us, and those people who do not intend hurt. {As I am writing this, I think I need to eat my own words about someone I know].

I think, as others have mentioned, I would send a Christmas card[as much for your sake as hers].

I was writing that before I saw kq post.

She probably just blurted that comment out without thinking. Some people sometimes say the wrong thing so try not to let it spoil your memories. As most people have said, I would stick to sending Christmas cards.

Luckygirl3

Thank you - I do. But now and again I feel that I have lost OH and now all the rest of his family and it is a bigger chunk of life than it needs to be maybe.

Yes. Sometimes keeping in touch is comforting rather than meaningful.

";At my OH's funeral she stood by me at the graveside and said basically that she did not know why we had a burial as she did not think it was right and was herself going to be "burned." This at the graveside while I was watching my life's partner descending into the ground."
I think I would have pushed her in!
Sorry if that that sounds flippant and insensitive but I have just buried my dad and can't imagine anyone saying such a thing.

It was somewhat insensitive at the very least, but it is all of a piece with her opinionated style ... you should hear her on politics ....

Shortly after a friend's DH died, someone, one can hardly describe them as a friend, said casually 'Now your DH has died I assume you will be selling the big car and getting a smaller one and instead of selling your mothers retirement flat you can move into it now and sell your house, it will be too big for you now'. Her mother had recently gone into a care home.