AIBU - personal letter sent to mother read by others in the family

Borrheid, would you consider getting Relay UK for you both to use when phoning your mother.

It can be used on her iPad and will type what you say, for her to read almost instantaneously.She can then reply in speech to you.

Or maybe just a frequent text conversation?

FGT2 she doesn’t lip read and can’t hear the iPad. She was given it to help when Covid hit but it proved a big disappointment!

Lathyrus3 I do think my mother’s upset was, as you say, her worrying about my health. I also think that had my niece not dropped in at that moment nobody would have been any the wiser.
FGT2 I always thank my brother and SIL for their care when we do speak.

Ah.
She has an iPad.

If she can lip read (to some extent) if she sees your face, you could FaceTime her.

I hate it when this happens.
We now find out your mother is very deaf.

A whole new perspective.

keepingquiet thank you for your response. My mother is very deaf - she has two hearing aids- so phone calls are difficult normally. I couldn’t face a long call trying to explain things to her as I tire very quickly hence the letter. I knew that if we did speak on the phone she would at least have all the info in front of her. She may be 93 but she is fully aware - does crosswords and puzzles and has mastered an iPad since Covid.
AGAA4 I used to be able to pack a bag and visit whenever she needed help after cataract surgery for example. I rarely leave the house now and only if my DH is with me. I have phoned her since my visit in November but it was a short call as she is in a lot of pain due to a second dislocated shoulder. I didn’t know then that my letter had been read by others.

I wouldn’t stir a hornet’s nest. Be reassured (and very grateful) your brother and his wife do all they can for your mum. I hope you treat them occasionally? A delivery of something nice. And thank them.

What’s done is done.

Phone your mum in future. More frequently if you can. She will tell your brother and they will be pleased you are doing what you can.

I speak to my 93 year old stepfather every day. Never miss.
And yes, I do have a lot of health issues going on at home - but what’s 5 minutes out of anyone’s day?

“Less said soonest mended”

I guess when your niece found your mother very upset she wanted to find out why. Then it was easier for your mum to give her your letter to read than try to explain while she was upset (and crying?) Personally I can see why this was easier for her.

Then I think it was natural for your niece to contact her parents, tell them your mum was very upset and why. They have responsibility for her after all and need to know about things that may affect her well-being - mental as well as physical. It doesn’t take much to set elderly people on a downward spiral.

I imagine your mums upset was concern for your health and the worry that you are ill ( mums never stop worrying) and that she wanted some reassurance from those caring for her.

Although letters should be private, I think that because it affected your mum so much, those who care for her needed to know the reason and decide what they could do to help your mum, who is their first priority.

I haven't been in your exact situation but I can see why you are upset. The letter was private, after all. You need to be fit for travelling but could you find a time when your Mum may be on her own and you feel able to chat? I think a friendly natter about everyday things and avoiding mentioning the letter might cheer you both up.

The letter was for your mum so nobody else should have read it. You explained that you weren't able to visit due to illness. Perfectly reasonable so not sure why your family are ostracising you.
I would find a time when you aren't too tired and phone your mum. She will be upset that you aren't coming but needs to understand why.

I think if I was in this situation I would feel pleased my mum was being cared for.
If my siblings were making me feel vulnerable I would either speak to them directly or just suck it up.
The only relationship that counts here is the one with your mum and she is equally if not more vulnerable.
Don't send her anymore letters. It clearly left her in an awkward position.
Why would CFS make it difficult to phone her? This would be a far more effective and direct way to speak to your mum in private.