AIBU - personal letter sent to mother read by others in the family

I think if I was in this situation I would feel pleased my mum was being cared for.
If my siblings were making me feel vulnerable I would either speak to them directly or just suck it up.
The only relationship that counts here is the one with your mum and she is equally if not more vulnerable.
Don't send her anymore letters. It clearly left her in an awkward position.
Why would CFS make it difficult to phone her? This would be a far more effective and direct way to speak to your mum in private.

The letter was for your mum so nobody else should have read it. You explained that you weren't able to visit due to illness. Perfectly reasonable so not sure why your family are ostracising you.
I would find a time when you aren't too tired and phone your mum. She will be upset that you aren't coming but needs to understand why.

I haven't been in your exact situation but I can see why you are upset. The letter was private, after all. You need to be fit for travelling but could you find a time when your Mum may be on her own and you feel able to chat? I think a friendly natter about everyday things and avoiding mentioning the letter might cheer you both up.

I guess when your niece found your mother very upset she wanted to find out why. Then it was easier for your mum to give her your letter to read than try to explain while she was upset (and crying?) Personally I can see why this was easier for her.

Then I think it was natural for your niece to contact her parents, tell them your mum was very upset and why. They have responsibility for her after all and need to know about things that may affect her well-being - mental as well as physical. It doesn’t take much to set elderly people on a downward spiral.

I imagine your mums upset was concern for your health and the worry that you are ill ( mums never stop worrying) and that she wanted some reassurance from those caring for her.

Although letters should be private, I think that because it affected your mum so much, those who care for her needed to know the reason and decide what they could do to help your mum, who is their first priority.

I wouldn’t stir a hornet’s nest. Be reassured (and very grateful) your brother and his wife do all they can for your mum. I hope you treat them occasionally? A delivery of something nice. And thank them.

What’s done is done.

Phone your mum in future. More frequently if you can. She will tell your brother and they will be pleased you are doing what you can.

I speak to my 93 year old stepfather every day. Never miss.
And yes, I do have a lot of health issues going on at home - but what’s 5 minutes out of anyone’s day?

“Less said soonest mended”

keepingquiet thank you for your response. My mother is very deaf - she has two hearing aids- so phone calls are difficult normally. I couldn’t face a long call trying to explain things to her as I tire very quickly hence the letter. I knew that if we did speak on the phone she would at least have all the info in front of her. She may be 93 but she is fully aware - does crosswords and puzzles and has mastered an iPad since Covid.
AGAA4 I used to be able to pack a bag and visit whenever she needed help after cataract surgery for example. I rarely leave the house now and only if my DH is with me. I have phoned her since my visit in November but it was a short call as she is in a lot of pain due to a second dislocated shoulder. I didn’t know then that my letter had been read by others.

I hate it when this happens.
We now find out your mother is very deaf.

A whole new perspective.

Ah.
She has an iPad.

If she can lip read (to some extent) if she sees your face, you could FaceTime her.

Lathyrus3 I do think my mother’s upset was, as you say, her worrying about my health. I also think that had my niece not dropped in at that moment nobody would have been any the wiser.
FGT2 I always thank my brother and SIL for their care when we do speak.

FGT2 she doesn’t lip read and can’t hear the iPad. She was given it to help when Covid hit but it proved a big disappointment!

Borrheid, would you consider getting Relay UK for you both to use when phoning your mother.

It can be used on her iPad and will type what you say, for her to read almost instantaneously.She can then reply in speech to you.

Or maybe just a frequent text conversation?

Lathyrus3 hadn’t heard of Relay UK , I will look into that. As to texting, might suggest that! She could use Messenger on her IPad

I have had hearing loss for many years and use Relay and WhatsApp.

Mostly WhatsApp with my family. I like the pictures!🙂

My mother-in-law is elderly now, (102) and since a stroke earlier this year she has often given my husband and I letters to read rather than saying to us "so-and-so is really not very well and missing her daughter who has suddenly xyz..."

We might then chat about the person their family and things surrounding them. It's a slightly different way of communicating that she now finds easier. She doesn't have to remember the whole story and relay some of it to us.

In the past all her letters would have been private - now we are helping her with her medical stuff, her savings, her insurance etc. and I wonder if this may be why she hands things over (including letters).

She was a very independent lady before her stroke and still is, to the limits of her health. She gets very tired now.

I do wonder if your (personal) correspondence is now more "open" to those helping her "day to day" simply because she is accepting more help from them..?
... Your brother and sister-in-law, on the other hand, may still accept that really the letter was between you and your mum and they may have found reading it/hearing about it rather awkward.

I confess I find reading my mother-in-law's mail a bit uncomfortable but she often asks me to.
One of my daughters is particularly close to her grandmother so if she had arrived and my mother-in-law was upset I'm sure she would want to know why.

I'm sorry you are upset.
Maybe you could simply tell your brother directly how you are struggling. I'm sure that hearing directly from you would resolve any odd awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings.

Thinking of you, and hoping there is a resolution soon.

That was a very compassionate reply NotSpaghetti with insightful comments on such situations.

Hopefully Borrheid can find a pathway through this awkwardness soon and work out what’s best going forward.

NotSpaghetti thank you. My mother is physically vulnerable but mentally sharp as a tack. She wouldn’t have needed anyone to read the letter to her, I had typed it rather than written it for ease to both of us. I wouldn’t have sent it if I had thought that someone would have to read it to her as it was so personal. If I had received a similar letter from my daughter, I would of course have been upset to read of the major changes in her health but I would have kept that knowledge close to my heart and speak of it only with her. I would have preferred my brother and SIL to approach me and discuss its contents. Instead, they have said nothing.

My mum had little hearing, from me giving her measles when I was a kid She had a special facility on her phone line, it was 12 + years ago so it maybe the one one some posters are referring to I don’t think it had a name then but it allowed her to speak her messages but receive them in words written on her special BT house phone which had a screen
Unless you wrote something derogatory about your relatives in your letter I wouldn’t worry about it it’s better they all know you are too ill to travel I understand it’s not the way you would have wanted it to be but don’t worry it’s probably not really a big problem
Do keep contact with your mum she will be worrying about you

I was about to suggest Relay. I wish it was more widely known.

My mother-in-law would also not have had to have the letter read but may have thought it easier to pass it over than to itemise the contents she wanted to share.
And if it was a "difficult" letter to absorb may even have felt that it was better read "in your own words".

I still think (as someone said upthread) that she have been upset to read of the major changes in your health and been "caught out" in the moment by her granddaughter's visit.

I believe if you tell your brother yourself about your health he may then be sort-of "given permission" to talk to you about it.

I wasn't trying to imply anything about your mother, apologies if you thought that I was.

With all respect, if your mother is as infirm aand disabled as you say, I am surprised you did not consider the possibility that the letter might be read by others. Apart from anything else she might herself have passed the letter round for others to read.

In your siblings position I would be worried that there were things in the letter that they needed to know that your mother had not told them because her infirnities meant that she herself couldn't fully process the letter, also that there was information about your own health that they needed to know.

I would never expect a letter written in these conditions to be confidential, unless that was written all over the envelope and across the letter, and even then I am not sure

I m in total agreement Monica unless there was detrimental things about the relatives in the letter I would think it can only be helpful to everyone especially your mum who will be worrying about you and may need to talk to the relatives for reassurance about your health concerns

MOnica my mum is physically frail but mentally bright as a button. One to one she can hold a conversation but when there are more than that she struggles to hear. Hence my annoyance at my brother and aunt being there when we visited! As I use two walking sticks due to a balance issue, they would know that this extra problem of PMR/CFS would compromise me further. Having read the letter, they would also be aware of my feelings about being limited in what I can do. They chose not to show any support. It’s so frustrating. One of the reasons for visiting was to let the family see how things had changed- not realising that they were already aware!

Relay is a modern technology that converts conversation to text - if I remember correctly.

Do I remember correctly that a letter becomes the property of the recipient once received?

If I had wanted them to know how bad my health was becoming, I would have told them.

You didn't tell them, so they know your health issues were for Mother's eyes only and not for them.

They have never mentioned anything about the situation - mother being upset, the content of the letter or my present health

Of course not, because they know everything in the letter including your health was meant to be private. So they are being very discreet , for your sake and for Mother's. Not letting on that she showed your private letter to others.