AIBU - personal letter sent to mother read by others in the family

I think however unwell you feel or felt you should have phoned your mother, you were well enough to write after all, can understand people upset who are caring for her. I would becgrateful she has a support network and can understand your mother being worried and showing them the letter. As her Carers you should have told these people how you were feeling, they probably thought you just didn't care.

Nobody should expect their AC to look after them in illness/old age. Most definitely not the reason we have children. I was able to look after just one of my g.children as I lived close by and her Mum (my daughter) was a single parent and climbing her career ladder.

I think I got more out of those times (pre-school through to Secondary school), that I was able to help out and have my granddaughter with me. The 'return' I have is that I still have a very close relationship with this lovely (now) young woman, although as she lives opposite side of country to me only see her rarely.

Her Mum, now teetering on the top rung of her career, is the one who weekly telephones me, but has is not in the position (both time and distance) to look after me,

The daughter whom i now live close by, I was not able to help at all with her four children, as I lived to far away then. However, she is the one who now sees me weekly, and will often take time of work to drive me to medical appointments, etc. Most definitely i do not want her to to feel like my carer, She has her own job, home, children (three of hem now adults), and disabled hubbie -and social life to think about. I am grateful for all that she does, but would not want her to put me in front of any of those.

Not ready for a care home for myself just yet. And, yes, I do think about the fact that I really do want for my flat (my only asset), to be able to be sold after I die and the money shared out between all five of my children. So I am very reluctant to allow this to be used financially for my care. If I reach the point when I really require that - would prefer to end things.

Pleased you will do this Borrheid55 you will probably feel so much better afterwards.

Thank you all for your comments. I am truly grateful for all they do for my mother - she looked after their three children every day after school for about ten years when she retired ( and they lived in the next town! ) They used to joke that she would be well looked after in return- beware what you wish for! When I have the energy, I will contact them and clear the air.

If you visit again I suggest you state clearly that you would like some 1:1 time eith tour mum as you dont see her very often

Also if it was me I would say to my brother /SIL that I am aware that they have read your letter and are therefore aware of the difficulties that you are now experiencing. I would then discuss with them what you can still manage etc.

Wish there was an edit button. Last word should have read 'self-absorbed'

I use two hearing aids all the time. I used to have to have my telephone on speaker to be able to hold any conversation with anyone,but then one of my daughters put on it some of ap. which she says is available on all smart phone that links to hearing aids. It is very successful and means that I can actually have a conversation with someone on the phone without everyone around me hearing it all.

I am not quite your Mums age, only in my mid-eighties, but I really look foward to and appreciate the weekly phone chat I have (usually for about an hour), every Sunday afternoon with my eldest daughter. She is not able to visit me very often, so these chats are so very precious.

I am really not sure what you are complaining about. Seems to be that you should be very grateful that your Mum is being looked after by your relatives, and I really do not understand why you are so unwilling to let them know of your own health problems. Perhaps a bit more thought for them and her rather than yourself - Sorry, if that sounds a bit harsh, but your OP did come over to me rather self absord.

A letter belongs to whom it is addressed as soon as it is posted.
This is why you cannot beg back a letter dropped into a pillar box from the collector. Even if you could prove you had posted it. He she is not allowed to interfere with the post. It is against the law. It belongs to the recipient.
And thus it is for the recipient to decide what to do with it.
In the circumstances seems not unreasonable that shared the information.
You seem to be annoyed that your relatives did not express sympathy for your condition. Even though you had chosen not to inform them of it.
Some kind of muddled logic.

Lathyrus3

I have had hearing loss for many years and use Relay and WhatsApp.

Mostly WhatsApp with my family. I like the pictures!🙂

If your mum is able to WhatsApp then a wealth of communication is open to you both, as you can pop little photos in (even if mum cant).

I totally understand why a bout of serious CFS makes it difficult to phone. You can be so utterly, utterly exhausted that sometimes it's just not possible.

I think some posters above might take notice of this and not issue put downs or suggestions that the O/P could not presently cope with doing.
Its one of those hidden illnesses, that many people still don't grasp or accept.

But it is wise upthread advice not to try and explain endlessly to rellies who don't understand, just costs more energy.

but regular whatsApps dont cost a lot of energy - little snippets of news, love and caring expressed, bits of reassurance should mum need it that you are coping.

Sometimes we feel as though we're taking and failing an exam with our families.

You wrote a letter in good faith explaining about being unwell and your mother was naturally disappointed and told a family member.

Everything is always hunky dory as long a we are doing what is expected of us.
Now you feel judged by them and feel that they are disapproving.

My parents went through a similar episode with my Aunt .
They were completely exhausted with her-having helped her move house and redecorated for her .
They took her out every week .
She actually behaved badly like a spoilt child.
One Christmas,they decided to have a break from her knowing that she had other relatives to spend it with .
She phoned her relatives and complained about them .
They turned against my parents it was uncomfortable for a long time .

I haven't gone through this ,
but I once tried to have an intelligent conversation with my father about moving .
We needed to move into a house more suited to his needs and mine .
He took the estate agent's blurb round to a friend's house and stopped speaking to me after a screaming session.
I was mortified and dropped it.
I felt that it was a private matter between us and not something to discuss with a friend.

I can understand your upset borrheid It sounds as if to you the letter was in place of a one to one conversation with your Mum, now you’re not sure who else was listening.

Putting myself in your Mums shoes it feels that reading my child, albeit an adult one, was too unwell to visit would have visibly upset me. If a trusted family member was around at the time or shortly after and noticed I’d probably have told them and yes, maybe showed them the letter rather than explain. Particularly if explaining was going to cause tears to flow.

On balance I think it’s best that your wider family know. Of course they may not understand the impact CFS can have. How sometimes walking across a room is too much and something as simple as a phone conversation can be impossible How it can ebb and flow. When I was diagnosed, 35 years ago, I found such a mix of responses I began to worry about the reactions of others and consciously filtered what I said according to the recipient. It’s a better known condition now, back then less so needing a lot of explanation which was just too much at times.

It’s worth remembering your brother’s perceived change in attitude may not actually have been linked to you. There could be other factors in his life impacting how he was. If you’ve always had a decent enough relationship I think I’d pick a good day on a good and try to speak with him on the phone. Not to accuse but to be open about the situation. If my relationship had been distant I think I’d leave well alone and wait for him to raise any concerns.

I hope you can feel easier soon and the CFS falls into a manageable pattern. It may be that the sharpness of discomfort around the letter will ease as you decide on a way forward.

I'm sorry that you are unwell. However, I can understand your Mum being very upset as, presumably, your illness means that she will have no direct contact with you, though I expect you can continue to write to her regularly.

Of course your family would want to know why your Mum was upset and, to be honest, I think it is better that they understand the situation. Unless you had specifically said the information should not be relayed to anyone else, I don't think it's a breach of privacy - and I think it would be upsetting for your Mum not to be able to talk about it with the rest of the family.

If I had wanted them to know how bad my health was becoming, I would have told them.

You didn't tell them, so they know your health issues were for Mother's eyes only and not for them.

They have never mentioned anything about the situation - mother being upset, the content of the letter or my present health

Of course not, because they know everything in the letter including your health was meant to be private. So they are being very discreet , for your sake and for Mother's. Not letting on that she showed your private letter to others.

Relay is a modern technology that converts conversation to text - if I remember correctly.

Do I remember correctly that a letter becomes the property of the recipient once received?

MOnica my mum is physically frail but mentally bright as a button. One to one she can hold a conversation but when there are more than that she struggles to hear. Hence my annoyance at my brother and aunt being there when we visited! As I use two walking sticks due to a balance issue, they would know that this extra problem of PMR/CFS would compromise me further. Having read the letter, they would also be aware of my feelings about being limited in what I can do. They chose not to show any support. It’s so frustrating. One of the reasons for visiting was to let the family see how things had changed- not realising that they were already aware!

I m in total agreement Monica unless there was detrimental things about the relatives in the letter I would think it can only be helpful to everyone especially your mum who will be worrying about you and may need to talk to the relatives for reassurance about your health concerns

With all respect, if your mother is as infirm aand disabled as you say, I am surprised you did not consider the possibility that the letter might be read by others. Apart from anything else she might herself have passed the letter round for others to read.

In your siblings position I would be worried that there were things in the letter that they needed to know that your mother had not told them because her infirnities meant that she herself couldn't fully process the letter, also that there was information about your own health that they needed to know.

I would never expect a letter written in these conditions to be confidential, unless that was written all over the envelope and across the letter, and even then I am not sure

My mother-in-law would also not have had to have the letter read but may have thought it easier to pass it over than to itemise the contents she wanted to share.
And if it was a "difficult" letter to absorb may even have felt that it was better read "in your own words".

I still think (as someone said upthread) that she have been upset to read of the major changes in your health and been "caught out" in the moment by her granddaughter's visit.

I believe if you tell your brother yourself about your health he may then be sort-of "given permission" to talk to you about it.

I wasn't trying to imply anything about your mother, apologies if you thought that I was.

I was about to suggest Relay. I wish it was more widely known.

My mum had little hearing, from me giving her measles when I was a kid She had a special facility on her phone line, it was 12 + years ago so it maybe the one one some posters are referring to I don’t think it had a name then but it allowed her to speak her messages but receive them in words written on her special BT house phone which had a screen
Unless you wrote something derogatory about your relatives in your letter I wouldn’t worry about it it’s better they all know you are too ill to travel I understand it’s not the way you would have wanted it to be but don’t worry it’s probably not really a big problem
Do keep contact with your mum she will be worrying about you

NotSpaghetti thank you. My mother is physically vulnerable but mentally sharp as a tack. She wouldn’t have needed anyone to read the letter to her, I had typed it rather than written it for ease to both of us. I wouldn’t have sent it if I had thought that someone would have to read it to her as it was so personal. If I had received a similar letter from my daughter, I would of course have been upset to read of the major changes in her health but I would have kept that knowledge close to my heart and speak of it only with her. I would have preferred my brother and SIL to approach me and discuss its contents. Instead, they have said nothing.

That was a very compassionate reply NotSpaghetti with insightful comments on such situations.

Hopefully Borrheid can find a pathway through this awkwardness soon and work out what’s best going forward.

My mother-in-law is elderly now, (102) and since a stroke earlier this year she has often given my husband and I letters to read rather than saying to us "so-and-so is really not very well and missing her daughter who has suddenly xyz..."

We might then chat about the person their family and things surrounding them. It's a slightly different way of communicating that she now finds easier. She doesn't have to remember the whole story and relay some of it to us.

In the past all her letters would have been private - now we are helping her with her medical stuff, her savings, her insurance etc. and I wonder if this may be why she hands things over (including letters).

She was a very independent lady before her stroke and still is, to the limits of her health. She gets very tired now.

I do wonder if your (personal) correspondence is now more "open" to those helping her "day to day" simply because she is accepting more help from them..?
... Your brother and sister-in-law, on the other hand, may still accept that really the letter was between you and your mum and they may have found reading it/hearing about it rather awkward.

I confess I find reading my mother-in-law's mail a bit uncomfortable but she often asks me to.
One of my daughters is particularly close to her grandmother so if she had arrived and my mother-in-law was upset I'm sure she would want to know why.

I'm sorry you are upset.
Maybe you could simply tell your brother directly how you are struggling. I'm sure that hearing directly from you would resolve any odd awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings.

Thinking of you, and hoping there is a resolution soon.

I have had hearing loss for many years and use Relay and WhatsApp.

Mostly WhatsApp with my family. I like the pictures!🙂

Lathyrus3 hadn’t heard of Relay UK , I will look into that. As to texting, might suggest that! She could use Messenger on her IPad