Reconnecting with old friend

Particularly because of her recent diagnosis "tactful hints" just won't work. You need to be very direct.

"I won't be going to Social next week . I've decided to just go once a fortnight/ month"

Make a list of escape lines, write them down and practise saying them aloud. Keep them by the phone.

" No, sorry; I can't come. "

"Sorry, that clashes with my swimming group/yoga/ class"

" Afraid not, I 'm very busy just now."

" I'm not well so I can't go with you".

"No thanks, I've got a lot on "

" oh, there's someone at the door.... I have to go now".


and if she is hurtful or controlling just don't let her get away with it.

"I don't like it when you talk like that"

" I'm going to put the phone down now".

It sounds like she hasn't changed from 10 years ago and her controlling and could get worse and also fall more reliant on you with one day a week going to two. You shouldn't feel guilty. I once read - live your life, it's yours. Butterandjam has given good advice on how to handle it.

maybe the dementia is making her worse, I can see my husband in some of the things she's saying , he has Alzheimers
and has a set time for his evening cuppa, if I ask him at 7.30 if he'd like a cuppa, he'll look his watch and say ...no it's not 8 o'clock yet...and he keeps the tv magazine beside him, and says
we'll watch blah blah at 7pm till 8...then...I think their day has to always be in the same order, but I tell him to watch what he wants and I'll watch what I want, I don't let him have his way all the time, and you shouldn't let your friend rule your life. say no .The way you choose to spend your time is just as important as your friend.

It's a great shame when you want to be nice and you obviously feel very sorry for your friend.
If you want to safeguard your activities-you'll just have to say no to certain days if they don't suit you .
She might sulk at first,but will accept it .

Reconnecting with old friends doesn't always work out well.
Last year a friend reached out to me that I hadn't bothered with for years. The conversation was nice at first then the subtle hints started.
Oh you've moved to the seaside, do you have a sea view, I'd love to visit as I love the sea, how many bedrooms do you have etc. I guess she was just looking for a free holiday so now conversation is limited to just Happy Xmas, Birthday or New year. Always was a user who used me for paying for meals out, having her stay for weeks at a time, borrowing money that I never got back etc. I guess some people never change. Looks like your friend is looking for a free ride too.

To me it sounds like she's lined you up as free helper. At some level she knew she was heading in the direction of a dementia diagnosis and decided to get you in place as an unpaid helper for her.

Sorry....but yep...I've seen that before - ie someone I used to know got friendly with a guy noticeably older than her and he pushed and pushed for her to marry him. She did. It was almost before the ink was dry on the paper that he then went full-scale Alzheimers and he was one of the ones that got aggressive with it. He landed up in a carehome eventually.

I have my suspicions that this is going somewhere along those lines. If you want to help her = then do so and get paid appropriate salary for doing so. Otherwise - don't. I'd say she's been heading towards bossy and verbally agressive all this time - and the dementia is only going to make this worse.

Whichever way you look at it = this is not a mutually helpful positive type relationship. It's a user/usee thing.

Totally agree with butterandjam. You have your life to live too! Can someone else not pick her up on the days you can't? Has she got any family? Explain to them that you cannot commit to every single week...not solely your responsibility. Good luck

You ‘ initially fell out because she is quite controlling and sometimes made hurtful comments’. I’m not sure why you reconnected. Was it because you heard she had Alzheimer’s? People don’t usually fundamentally change their nature so things are unlikely to improve. Only you can decide if getting in touch again was a mistake but it’s not really fair on her to let her down regularly as she will have enough to deal with.

If she wasn't a wonderful friend before her diagnosis, she's certainly not going to improve after it. I'd swerve her, she's not your responsibility.

Avoid. She showed you what she was like before her diagnosis. Just say sorry I can't a few times.

I think you have your answer in the word 'friend'. She is not a relative or loved one. You can do as much or as little as you choose to do. Also, I think that as time passes she may get worse with her controlling nature. Perhaps scale the outings down to once a fortnight or month. You do need to think of yourself too as you may miss some event or connection that you would really benefit from. Just keep repeating the same sentence till she gets it: Sorry I can't do every Monday but I'll let you know which day. Depends how bad her Alzheimers has become. Does she have children or could she go to a local Alzheimer group?