Wife on dating sites

I think that's a good idea. I am intriqued in what she talks about. Its all laced with sexual jealousy but I would like to know what she does online.

Belardo

Have you considered joining on of the dating sites she's on? You know about her and could tailor a profile that may appeal to her? Test her to aee how far she is willing to go. Maybe she just wants the excitement of sexting? Perhaps even arrange a meeting and see her face when you turn up? You didn't specify the ultimatum, but was it actually harsh enough? Seems not. Why not try to take back control of the situation, if not directly then by subterfuge, as outlined above?

I think I would join the dating site and see what her profile is like, maybe I would peruse the other ladies on the site Im sure there are some very nice lonely ladies.

Personally I wouldnt say or do anything unless I thought an affair had started

kick her out, tell her to move on...

Have you considered joining on of the dating sites she's on? You know about her and could tailor a profile that may appeal to her? Test her to aee how far she is willing to go. Maybe she just wants the excitement of sexting? Perhaps even arrange a meeting and see her face when you turn up? You didn't specify the ultimatum, but was it actually harsh enough? Seems not. Why not try to take back control of the situation, if not directly then by subterfuge, as outlined above?

After everything that your wife has done which expresses her not wanting to be in your marriage and you putting up out of fear of the unknown, you are both trapped. What is the point?
If you split what you do have you don't have to stay in a remote place its not too late to start again, Explore alternatives. You sound so ground down by it all and you must feel so undervalued. You don’t go on dating sites and have affairs if you want to stay married, its just more convenient for her at present so its got to come, Better to be on your own and get your self respect back and make a different life. You can do it,

I don't think waiting yill retirement will help.
It is scary to start again but you can do it.

Maybe consider couples counselling- if she isn't interested in making changes, sadly I think you must...

Affairs are painful and she is already having one "in her mind".
In many ways I think this is worse.

Thinking of you.

Don’t make the mistake I have.
Looking back I should have left my husband years ago.
Over the years he as got worse and is now really nasty to me at times.After 55 Years of marriage it is too late for me.
He said to me a couple of days ago “Why would I care what you think “
At the club he goes to they think he is a wonderful man, I feel like saying what he’s like at home.
I have just finished chemotherapy and he just dismissed my last year of treatment like it was going to the dentist for a check up.
You know what you need to do, best of luck.

David I think you may have it right there. Intimacy, real intimacy, is about more than sex. However, since subsequent posts indicate she has had affairs, I think you should go for some counselling together. It may help sort things out between you or it may give you courage personally to find out other ways ahead than being with someone who at is just hurting you.

its scary contemplating being alone but you really are not that old yet, there are some nicer ladies out there.

Or you may discover you can be more self sufficient than you thought.

There was an affair in 2019. It split us up briefly but I wasn't strong enough to split up permanently. I should've called it a day then. These days, she's back communicating online and I fear an affair will happen again.

Sadly it sounds like you could be right Sailaway 😕
You've got a couple of years before you retire, so you need to seriously think about what you want your life to be then.
Do have family in another area, if not nearby?
Would moving and a fresh start be something that appeals to you?

The usual advice for someone in your situation is to "get your ducks in a row," ie start to take some advice, make some plans, look at your finances and how that would pan out.
I think if you did that it would clarify how you feel about staying with your wife, or whether it would give you a new lease of life to draw a line and move on. You could have many years ahead of you yet.
I wish you well 😊

Well, as a woman, I would be furious if my husband made contact with unknown women online and then spent hours talking or messaging them.

For goodness sake, just sit her down, nicely and calmly, and ask her what is “missing” that she feels she can only get it in this way.

I think thsi thread is genuine.

If you are two years off retirement, you are not that old.

You are isolated where you live. That could be changed and would I assume if you left your wife.
In some ways she has already left you[two affairs].
I agree that no family is an issue.

Sailaway

pably15

Well, I can just imagine how I'd feel if my OH was on a chat line, why can't she chat to you, if it's innocent?

Well, I've been a good hubby, supportive , caring. I love her and all that goes with it. But she suffers with low self-esteem. I do my best to build her confidence in herself but I think connecting with men online gives her a sense of validation and is also a bit of a dopamine hit for her. But the flipside of that is I don't feel respected and I'm often lied to. I'm just bewildered by it.

Your wife is looking for the excitement she not getting at home, she needs intimacy, not just sex but cuddles and romance, maybe adventure.
What interests do you have in common where do you go for days out, holidays.

Sailaway

LemonJam

Sailaway- you posted on the cheating thread that you found out your wife had 2 affairs in the past (one man over 2 separate periods) and you wished you had not found out.

There is a real risk of repetition of history repeating itself. Also your wife seemingly has no concern of your feelings when she accesses on line dating sites in your presence.

However, it seems you have decided to stay and tolerate her behaviour as you are isolated and getting older. That's very sad.

Well, I honestly don't know what to do. Hence me putting it out on here. There was an affair in 2019. It split us up briefly but I wasn't strong enough to split up permanently. I should've called it a day then. These days, she's back communicating online and I fear an affair will happen again.

I'm in my last couple of years working before I retire. The job is one of the things which hems me in regard to what choices I make. I do turn a blind eye to a lot of things but after I retire, I may feel stronger in tackling this. She doesn't respect me and I feel the dating sites are excitement for her.

I don't know if you are having us on...but you know what you should do...

LemonJam

Sailaway- you posted on the cheating thread that you found out your wife had 2 affairs in the past (one man over 2 separate periods) and you wished you had not found out.

There is a real risk of repetition of history repeating itself. Also your wife seemingly has no concern of your feelings when she accesses on line dating sites in your presence.

However, it seems you have decided to stay and tolerate her behaviour as you are isolated and getting older. That's very sad.

Well, I honestly don't know what to do. Hence me putting it out on here. There was an affair in 2019. It split us up briefly but I wasn't strong enough to split up permanently. I should've called it a day then. These days, she's back communicating online and I fear an affair will happen again.

I'm in my last couple of years working before I retire. The job is one of the things which hems me in regard to what choices I make. I do turn a blind eye to a lot of things but after I retire, I may feel stronger in tackling this. She doesn't respect me and I feel the dating sites are excitement for her.

Sailaway- you posted on the cheating thread that you found out your wife had 2 affairs in the past (one man over 2 separate periods) and you wished you had not found out.

There is a real risk of repetition of history repeating itself. Also your wife seemingly has no concern of your feelings when she accesses on line dating sites in your presence.

However, it seems you have decided to stay and tolerate her behaviour as you are isolated and getting older. That's very sad.

Fallingstar

I think that connecting with men online is not only disrespectful but a big red flag. Imagine how your wife would feel if you did this, do you suppose she would blame it on low self esteem or be packing your stuff in a bin liner ready to show you the door?
Am afraid that women with low self esteem don’t generally talk to men on dating sites but women looking for another man probably do.

Oh yes, I would be treated differently in the same situation. I think the reason why I stay is largely to do with the fact that I'd be quite isolated as where we live , I don't have any family. I'm also getting older.

I think that connecting with men online is not only disrespectful but a big red flag. Imagine how your wife would feel if you did this, do you suppose she would blame it on low self esteem or be packing your stuff in a bin liner ready to show you the door?
Am afraid that women with low self esteem don’t generally talk to men on dating sites but women looking for another man probably do.

pably15

Well, I can just imagine how I'd feel if my OH was on a chat line, why can't she chat to you, if it's innocent?

Well, I've been a good hubby, supportive , caring. I love her and all that goes with it. But she suffers with low self-esteem. I do my best to build her confidence in herself but I think connecting with men online gives her a sense of validation and is also a bit of a dopamine hit for her. But the flipside of that is I don't feel respected and I'm often lied to. I'm just bewildered by it.

Well, I can just imagine how I'd feel if my OH was on a chat line, why can't she chat to you, if it's innocent?

Or maybe just have more and better conversations with her.

That seems to be what she’s seeking that you’re not providing Sailaway. How about it😬

It happens often enough but usually men chatting to other women.
I wouldn’t put up with it from my DP and he certainly wouldn’t from me.
It needs talking about and if either a husband or wife won’t stop then it’s time to part ways.

Is this for real?

Astitchintime

“Schools out……….”

Yeah. But I’m needing to be amused too….

With Gransnet posts I mean😳🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Schools out……….”

Dating sights and she's chatting to men doesn't sound promising to me I'm afraid.

I would not be happy at a partner doing that - translated as "There would be a row about it". So - fingers crossed it all works out okay.