DIL here, perspective please with strained relationship with MIL.

And why does this song keep going through my brain?

Wind the posters bobbin up
Wind the posters bobbin up
Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap
Wind it back again
Wind it back again
Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap

I'd like to hear the other side of the story
And that of the FIL and DS too!

There is always more than one aspect of this.

Why are the men in this so passive?

I don't blame them 😂

Casdon

Blue18

So it's ok for the MIL to behave hurtfully and DIL should accept it and not say anything?

No, they both need to take responsibility for maintaining civility so that the child is unaffected.

👍

What is so difficult about that for most reasonable people?

Sounds like a MIL and a DIL who are both difficult to me, with a dash of stubbornness from DIL thrown into the mix.

Norah

Allira

Norah

OP stated MIL Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town 1hr away.

Obviously too far for popping in.

People at a distance typically visit family less.

I had London GPs and next door GP, guess who I saw daily whilst a child? I loved all my GPs, neither saw visits as a competition.

1 hour away is not a distance!!

It may seem it for people who never leave their home town or village but it is nothing.

Have you had children? Taken them a distance?

Anything further than half hour is distance to me.

My opinion differs to yours. An hour each way is a car with a baby is difficult, age appropriate for travel may be better.

Have you had children? Taken them a distance?
😂
Norah, I thought you'd read some of my posts. Perhaps not.
Not a lot of people do 😂

She has said some very unkind things. It is not her place to tell you to have another baby.

Some absolutely spiteful and nasty comments here. I don't know why a Grandchild becomes the focus of competition between GP.

Does MiL have a full and interesting life? Has she made you and your little one welcome?
Why are the men in this so passive?

Could you find a nice activity for yourself, MiL and baby for an hour or ask her to baby sit?

Blue18

So it's ok for the MIL to behave hurtfully and DIL should accept it and not say anything?

It seems some feel this is acceptable. It's not.

Do you want this for your own precious daughter?

Surreysister1466 Tue 03-Mar-26 14:13:48
For context here’s a snapshot of what i got off my chest and explained how hurtful it was to both me and my husband…
Ignored me on my wedding day
Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town (1hr away)
Caused drama with the first Christmas day we hosted because she didnt like she had to share it with my parents.
Told me i needed to have another baby in case something happens to our son - she knew our history of miscarriages so this one stung in those early weeks postpartum when we were already worried.
Constantly talks bad about my BIL and his girlfriend who she has outright said she is not good enough for him. BIL has said she has similar coversations with them about us.

So the Op has raised the behaviour -because the MIL clearly didn't care or wasn't aware her behaviour was hurtful. And now it has been raised it is the MIL refusing to acknowledge her poor behaviour.

Blue18

So it's ok for the MIL to behave hurtfully and DIL should accept it and not say anything?

No, they both need to take responsibility for maintaining civility so that the child is unaffected.

Allira

Norah

OP stated MIL Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town 1hr away.

Obviously too far for popping in.

People at a distance typically visit family less.

I had London GPs and next door GP, guess who I saw daily whilst a child? I loved all my GPs, neither saw visits as a competition.

1 hour away is not a distance!!

It may seem it for people who never leave their home town or village but it is nothing.

Have you had children? Taken them a distance?

Anything further than half hour is distance to me.

My opinion differs to yours. An hour each way is a car with a baby is difficult, age appropriate for travel may be better.

So it's ok for the MIL to behave hurtfully and DIL should accept it and not say anything?

Smileless2012

There's no need for the OP to appease her m.i.l. She has decided she doesn't want any contact with her p's.i.l. and her husband is going to continue his relationship with his parents and enable them to have a relationship with their GS.

The best solution for all concerned.

No need to appease, just understand and meet her halfway perhaps?

Perhaps we bring our own experiences to these situations; and perhaps those with happy or at least cordial relationships with in-laws were brought up to respect and understand the feelings of others.

This DIL seem to think her own views and feelings are the only ones which matter.

Anyway, who really cares when the world is in turmoil?
Time to leave this toxic thread, there's enough strife in the world.

I don’t think so Smileless2012, I think the daughter and mother in law should make every effort to reconcile regardless of what has gone before, otherwise the child will inevitably be affected by the non existent relationship between them. They probably both think each other unreasonable, but that is by the by when they both want the best for the child, and hopefully for the son and husband as well as they will doubtless be unhappy with the current state of play.

There's no need for the OP to appease her m.i.l. She has decided she doesn't want any contact with her p's.i.l. and her husband is going to continue his relationship with his parents and enable them to have a relationship with their GS.

The best solution for all concerned.

Every now and then I have a little think about the picture that the OP has in her head of women older than her. That acquiescent, subservient mass who dared not question or protest but just shut up and put up.

And then I think of camping at Greenham Common and marching to protest the lack of nursery education and the exhilaration of the Women’s Lib movement.

Of raising my three children, whilst working in a management post and studying for a further degree.

Of campaigning and petitioning Parliament for changes in the law and benefits that the OP now enjoys.

As the OPs generation is fond of saying “Educate yourself”.

Her contempt is based on her own fallacy that cannot imagine powerful women outside her own generation

Norah

OP stated MIL Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town 1hr away.

Obviously too far for popping in.

People at a distance typically visit family less.

I had London GPs and next door GP, guess who I saw daily whilst a child? I loved all my GPs, neither saw visits as a competition.

1 hour away is not a distance!!

It may seem it for people who never leave their home town or village but it is nothing.

Luckygirl3

When we marry we join a wider family. These are people we do not know whose style and traditions and opinions might be very different from ours. But for the sake of everyone .. and in the interest of simple good manners .. we mostly just rub along together.
Unless your MIL has committed serious abuse of you then I think that you need to go with the flow a bit.
Sitting her down and listing the faults and misdemeanours that you perceive was to my mind unwise and presumptuous of you ... presumably she could have found a list for you had she wished.
Becoming a good MIL is a learning process.
I think you have burned your bridges as far as establishing a relationship with her now. Your OH is stuck with this uncomfortable piggy-in-the-middle role; your son is learning disrespect for others and those older than him and sadly you might reap the consequences of that one day.
My PIL were seriously nuts, held opposite political views to me and were generally not a great blessing in my life, but I never criticised them and treated them with good manners. It did me no harm to do this and I am resaping the rewards of having AC who treat me and their ILs with kindness and respect. I am proud of them for this.
I always think it is important to remember that people cannot always live up to our hopes of them.

Well said, Luckygirl

It comes down to give and take, making adjustments.
As well as good manners.

The OP says
My mother raised me to stand up for myself something which me and my husband will raise our son to do.
Standing up for oneself is good but being too assertive and disregarding the feelings of others can lead to poor relationships.

Casdon

I suggest you read your own initial post from your mother in law’s perspective, which may give you more insight into how you are coming over to others Surreysister1466. To move forward you must learn to listen as well as speak.

Good idea, Casdon

However, that might be difficult for anyone who has an unwavering certainty that their views are always the right ones.

I also agree appeasing MIL's is not always in the best interests of baby/Mum or Dad. Example of strange MIL behaviour - I went into labour nearly midnight, went to hospital and delivered my first baby in the middle of a summer heatwave/ Husband dropped round at my mum and Dads house, lived close by, to let them know first GC had been safely delivered- MIL's reaction to him:
1) said she was disappointed was a girl not a boy
2) told H he needed to get our house "churched" whilst I was in hospital- asked for a key, then arranged for a local vicar to 'church' our house
3) H was RC and had never heard of Cod E "church' custom ( neither had I!) but MIL insistent
4) I arrived home the following day and saw all the windows to my house wide open coming up the road and once inside the radiators on full blast 🤷‍♀️
5) H told me MIL had told him to "church' the house to get rid of all spirits and leave the radiators on and all the windows open until I arrived home with the baby so all evil spirits could depart
6) note on kitchen counter to H from MIL, plus a box of 4 cream cakes and a bottle of stout " I've gone on holiday will be back in 5 days- left the cream cakes because Lemondrop doesn't drink milk- you need to make sure she ups her calcium levels and has plenty of iron" !
7) Five days later, breast feeding established and baby making good progress M/MIL attended unannounced. She watched me change baby's nappy, soiled and various colours- I told her that was entirely normal for a breast fed baby
8) I then sat down to feed baby- she told me I was not allowed to breastfeed in public- my own living room 🤷‍♀️- whilst men present (my H and Dad) and out of respect needed to do so upstairs. I did as she asked and went upstairs..(looking back I cant believe I was so compliant....) .
9) afterwards I came downstairs and not long after a knock at the door- my GP. M/MIL had made an urgent call for a home visit stating there was something very wrong with new born baby
10) GP examined baby, nappy, and told M/MIL all was well, soiled nappies of such colours for BF babies entirely normal
11) GP took me aside( he was my Mum's GP also and had been , for many years) and advised me to have a plan how to manage Mum or she will run myself and H ragged....

Just saying MILs can be strange and can cause a lot of tension, upset and undue stress. She was and would never be open to any feedback at any time no matter how carefully worded from us or any other family member in any situation. She was a person who could only see things from her perspective and considered everyone else to be wrong. All family members, including her own siblings, worked out ways to circle her orbit, detach when necessary- accept when possible- but remain sane. Luckily I had a very lovely, loving Dad.

Doodledog

One day your son will be an adult, and statistically likely to have children of his own. How would you feel about being sidelined by his wife, particularly knowing that despite not having time for your visits she makes time for the other granny?

There was a difference of opinion, but the only acceptable solution is that your MIL apologises to you? You say you aren’t confrontational, but forced your way of dealing with things onto her, and brought up ‘transgressions’ from the past. Maybe she is resentful of your mother being prioritised, maybe she is passive aggressive in her approach, but rather than trying to find ways to stop the resentment you accuse her - something you know makes her uncomfortable.

Mothers in law are learning the role too, you know? She is a new grandmother and you are a new mum - you both need to negotiate how that is going to work. Expecting an apology because you think you are right is not negotiation, it’s coercion.

I also dislike passive aggression, but a lot of women were taught from birth to behave like that, and see ‘direct’ approaches as aggressive, and that has to be taken into account when the differing approaches clash, particularly when it happens within a family.

I know your son is still very young, but remember that you are modelling how MILs are treated in his family, and could fall foul of that one day.

👍 100% Doodledog.

Blue18

I can only imagine the ones castigating you have shown the same behaviour to their own DILs.

It is your husband's responsibility to maintain his family's relationship with his parents, as you do yours. When parents of sons finally bring their sons up to realise this, relationships with their DILs would be far better.

I think what Surreysister did was unkind and quite shocking. How hurtful.

I can only imagine the ones castigating you have shown the same behaviour to their own DILs.
And no, I love my DIL and she always seems very welcoming and happy to see us.
I'm sure DS would tell me if I stepped out of line anyway.

MIL/DIL relationships can be tricky but it takes both to meet in the middle to form a comfortable and hopefully calm and happy relationship.
This DIL doesn't sound as if she thinks she did anything wrong. One day she might be in the same position.

I feel sorry for FIL and the DH too.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

My DD had twin girls by cesarean section and was in pain and exhausted in the first few weeks.
Mil was a full of her own importance and was unkind and upset my Dd a number of times.
Fortunately Mil’s ex was a customer of mine and I knew still saw Mil on social occasions, so next time I saw him I told him how Mil was behaving and although Dd was a lovely, sweet girl, I was worried that she was getting to the point where she would stop Mil seeing the girls.
Mil had a complete personality change and from then on my Dd was the best thing since sliced bread.
So to the posters who say Surreysister’s Mil’s behaviour, is just the way she is, just appease her, I would say all bullies are cowards and when confronted, most will back down and start behaving.

Lel1

Once a week's far too much with a new baby, career and 2 hour round trip. She sounds very childish and probably the men in her family are afraid to cross her. And of course you're going to see more of your own mother, who loves you unconditionally. So ignore some of the very unkind comments posted here, rise above it as the better person and just try and keep a polite relationship with her, for your husband's sake. I had the mil from Hades and that's how I coped. We were never going to like each other, but she loved my little boy. Sending you a big hug. xxx

If you read the first post the MIL was visiting once a week so no travelling time for OP.