DIL here, perspective please with strained relationship with MIL.

Your mum sees her grandchild frequently while your husband's mum doesn't- your decision, not his.
You confront her with a list of all her apparent failings and were surprised she didn't take it well?
They reached out and send a card hoping to move forward but you took umbrage at that too?
I don't think she's the issue, I'm afraid.

Hello Surreysister. You do know why your m.i.l. behaves this way you've said so, it's jealousy and the problem with jealousy is it often destroys the very thing it covets.

Your m.i.l. sounds like mine so I did what you've decided to do. I didn't see my p's.i.l. but my husband continued to see his parents and our boys continued to see their GP's. It's the right decision for you all so now that it's made, don't spend anymore time thinking about it.

I didn't see my p's.i.l. for 7 years. When contact was resumed just like your m.i.l., there was no acknowledgement of the past so we just got on with it and over time we actually became very close and I was pleased I could be there for her when my f.i.l. died.

Once a week doesn’t seem too onerous 🤷‍♀️

Grandmabatty nailed it.

My husband doesnt have a particularly close relationship with his mother so it was me facilitating it to begin with. Its not possible to make everything ‘fair and equal’, and to be honest its not my job to make that happen

We both work full time so weekend is the only time we have to spare and it is onerous for us.

I don't see any of my DC or their spouses often. We haven't had a falling out, it's just how it is. Busy lives, distances, children getting older.
I have 3 DiLs and a SiL.

I think the getting it off your chest was a bad idea and if I were you I would make an effort to go occasionally with the rest of the family. Emphasis on make an effort!. She has offered an olive branch. You'll never change her but she's your DH's mum and your DS's grandmother so she is family.

Surreysister1466

We both work full time so weekend is the only time we have to spare and it is onerous for us.

I’m 100% behind you. Your mother in law has made what should be a happy time one of stress.
And, one day a week is too much.
Stick to the arrangement you have made for your own well being.
We don’t need people like this in our lives. Getting old doesn’t give you a get out card for being demanding and unpleasant.

My husband raised jealousy as the crux of issue. We are fairly successful and dont want for anything and he said that she probably doesnt like that we dont need to rely on her for anything as she has always been the one in control. I just cant comprehend this, i came from humble beginnings and my own mum is my biggest cheerleader.

Happy for you that things sorted its self out, maybe it will in time for me who knows. I just cant get past the complete lack of accountability and apology.

One day your son will be an adult, and statistically likely to have children of his own. How would you feel about being sidelined by his wife, particularly knowing that despite not having time for your visits she makes time for the other granny?

There was a difference of opinion, but the only acceptable solution is that your MIL apologises to you? You say you aren’t confrontational, but forced your way of dealing with things onto her, and brought up ‘transgressions’ from the past. Maybe she is resentful of your mother being prioritised, maybe she is passive aggressive in her approach, but rather than trying to find ways to stop the resentment you accuse her - something you know makes her uncomfortable.

Mothers in law are learning the role too, you know? She is a new grandmother and you are a new mum - you both need to negotiate how that is going to work. Expecting an apology because you think you are right is not negotiation, it’s coercion.

I also dislike passive aggression, but a lot of women were taught from birth to behave like that, and see ‘direct’ approaches as aggressive, and that has to be taken into account when the differing approaches clash, particularly when it happens within a family.

I know your son is still very young, but remember that you are modelling how MILs are treated in his family, and could fall foul of that one day.

Surreysister1466

We both work full time so weekend is the only time we have to spare and it is onerous for us.

I agree with Grandmabatty and I think you've achieved exactly what you wanted with your getting it off your chest so well done.

I’m just wondering Surreysister if when you told her all the things about her “pattern of behaviour’ you gave her the opportunity to tell you the same about yourself.

She does sound a difficult person.

And so do you.
Confrontational, demanding, self-justifying and lacking in empathy.

How did that make you feel? And did it prompt denial?

Have a think about it maybe.

You don't have a strained relationship with your mother -in-law; you have none.
That is what you wanted and that is what you have achieved.

You can clearly live with yourself.

Sorry for your lick-spittle husband.

eazybee

You don't have a strained relationship with your mother -in-law; you have none.
That is what you wanted and that is what you have achieved.

You can clearly live with yourself.

Sorry for your lick-spittle husband.

Yes poor guy. Trying to keep things calm indeed.

You may call it getting it off your chest Surreysister but that sounds a bit like ‘saying it as it is’, usually an excuse to be rather inconsiderate and insensitive. Play back what you told your MiL in your head and then put yourself in her shoes. I have no idea how bad your MiL is, but she is your husband’s mother and your grandchild’s grandma, and also a human being. We all have our faults, but is so much easier to see them in other people. I think your MiLs wish for things to love forward is not as bad as you make it out to be, an apology would be good but then you also might have needed to apologise for ‘getting it off your chest’. So would go with this suggestion but as others have suggested let your husband take your child to see his parents for now until enough time has passed for both of you to bury the hatchet.
And just for the record it does really hurt when one grandparent gets more visiting rights. Have no doubt your mum is somebody you feel much more comfortable with and may be a much nicer person, but a grandchild needs all the grandparents imho, as they say ‘it takes a village.’

*move forwards not love forwards

I have a daughter in law like you,what you want and don't want ,what you do and don't expect,son going along with you cos it makes for an easier life for him as he's married to you...do you think she's not hurting,to be told that what she does isn't good enough,that you went to lay the law down and were surprised that her husband defended her,isn't that what your sons doing with you ?

I think the mistake here was "getting it off your chest".

It may have been satisfying in the moment but cannot be unheard.

My feeling is she has no self-awareness. She loves your husband (and your infant) and hates to be the "second" grandmother.
Some of us are grateful that the other grandparents are helping the people we love - but I realise that some grandparents would rather they are the most important one.
What they don't realise is that as children grow up they like us (or don't) for the people we are. They don't automatically like the one with expensive gifts or the one that takes them out all the time.
Who knows, maybe she will mellow.
And she was the mother of the person you love.

Let your husband visit alone for now with the little one... but if I were you I would probably ask him to invite them over for a "family lunch" (or an "early family supper") on a day that suited you.
I'd do something failsafe like soup or lasagna.

Be the "bigger" person here and see it as a gift of love to your "piggy in the middle" husband.
💐

Thinking of you.

Surreysister1466

My husband raised jealousy as the crux of issue. We are fairly successful and dont want for anything and he said that she probably doesnt like that we dont need to rely on her for anything as she has always been the one in control. I just cant comprehend this, i came from humble beginnings and my own mum is my biggest cheerleader.

Happy for you that things sorted its self out, maybe it will in time for me who knows. I just cant get past the complete lack of accountability and apology.

Early days. Perhaps give yourself time and space, if your husband wants to contact his parents say nothing unpleasant.

Weekly is far too often for visits, imo.

Life is busy, live your life, give this dustup no thoughts.

For context here’s a snapshot of what i got off my chest and explained how hurtful it was to both me and my husband…
Ignored me on my wedding day
Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town (1hr away)
Caused drama with the first Christmas day we hosted because she didnt like she had to share it with my parents.
Told me i needed to have another baby in case something happens to our son - she knew our history of miscarriages so this one stung in those early weeks postpartum when we were already worried.
Constantly talks bad about my BIL and his girlfriend who she has outright said she is not good enough for him. BIL has said she has similar coversations with them about us.

Then on top of all of that make my life difficult post partum after sweeping things under the rug for years. There becomes a point where you reach your limit and she needed to be told how hurtful she can be after being enabled for years.

Well, you have done it so live with the consequences.

You're your mothers daughter and your husband is your mother in laws son . You're naturally going to see your mum more as will your child . Please accept that your MIL just wants to have some tiny involvement in her Grandchilds life . Is once a week really too much . No ones asking to be besties , just a little tolerance . I wasn't particularly fond of my in laws and often had to bat away comments and passive aggression . I particularly hated them constantly comparing my children to their daughters children who of course were the favourites. I sucked it up and remained civil and polite . I was always relieved when they left .
I'm a mother in law , I have sons , I don't get jealous of my dils relationship with her mother , I respect it . I have worked hard to cultivate a friendship with them but I don't impose .
Please move forward and if it's enough for you to be civil to them then let it be just that . She raised your husband , remember , he was her child . Don't be the one who causes a rift or estrangement, it won't make you feel better .

It seems you have made your mind up about her, and somehow know why she does what she does. Maybe you're right, but maybe you're not.

I don't know what you want us to say? We don't know you or your MIL, and all we have is one side of a situation which doesn't really paint you in a good light. What difference would it make if we all told you that you are sainted, and your MIL is evil? Or the reverse? We would only be going on what you've said anyway, so you would be fully aware that our views are based on a very partial account.

Maybe if you tell us why our opinion matters, and how plan to use it to move things forward we can help better?

I have to say that I’m on your side. This woman sounds like my sister, who is difficult to please and gets jealous easily. I still enjoy her company but in smaller doses and less frequently. Your husband must put you and the baby first and I agree that visiting every week is too much. I hope you sort something out that works for everyone. Best wishes.