DIL here, perspective please with strained relationship with MIL.

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Allira

^I’m the DIL and I’m looking for some perspective on what might possibly be going through my MIL’s head^.

Well, we've only got your perspective but I suppose we could imagine.

It would be quite different from your perspective, of course and you probably wouldn't like it.

Agreed. People rarely have identical perspective.

Many factors form opinions. How we were raised being important. OP will work out getting on with her H on the dilemma.

Perhaps waiting quietly for considerable time would be a good solution, no need to hurry, dilemma will self sort eventually.

I’m the DIL and I’m looking for some perspective on what might possibly be going through my MIL’s head.

Well, we've only got your perspective but I suppose we could imagine.

It would be quite different from your perspective, of course and you probably wouldn't like it.

petra

One of my friends mil to be turned up at her wedding in what could have passed for a wedding dress.
Their relationship went rapidly down hill after that.
We’ve had many a laugh over the years on that day 😂

My late MIL turned up at our wedding dressed in black from head to toe, not a glimpse of colour. We just laughed. Like they say you can't control other people but you can control your reaction.

At the end of the day people weren't rolling their eyes at me, she must have felt a fool by the end of it.

One of my friends mil to be turned up at her wedding in what could have passed for a wedding dress.
Their relationship went rapidly down hill after that.
We’ve had many a laugh over the years on that day 😂

I was just “highlighting patterns of behaviour” (See original post)

😬

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Some posters on here are quite interesting.

QED

Allira

Oh, goodness, the same pattern.
😴

It’s interesting that someone who finds the thread so tiring keeps returning to comment on it.

Oh, goodness, the same pattern.
😴

Lathyrus3

This is a very childish response, not even worth responding to.

And you should re read the thread and youll see how we got onto discussing social norms back then. I recall it being someone chastising me for saying i had a modern husband when someone else questioned why i wasnt busy looking after my son and had time to respond to comments on here. You jumped onto that to insult me, like many of your other posts.

What on earth have the social norms of the 49s got to do with a woman that must have given birth at the turn of the Century, 1990s.
50years on.

You are in a time warp. Better research needed for your story.

Surreysister1466

Lathyrus3

That isn’t insisting. Insisting is when you have the power to make it happen and you do make it happen. Against any protest.

That’s just saying what she wanted/expected.

That’s what the OP claims to value. Direct communication. The right to express your wants and opinions.

The OP has a right to say no to that request.

But praising herself for being “direct” in expressing her opinions and condemning her MiL for being direct in expressing hers is double standards in my book.

Now this is clutching at straws.

Of course she cannot enforce how often she visits. It was her behaviour AFTER we decided weekly visits was too much which was the main issue - the passive aggressiveness, face on, one word answers when we did see them. Thats the problem

Oh you mean like someone making a scene and then stomping home and passively aggressively refusing to speak or make contact for four months.

At least she managed one word answers.

Do you really not see yourself?

cornergran

Yes lathyrus you took the words out of my mouth. My father not only helped with me from birth (1948) he took over when my mum was ill. He wasn’t allowed to be at my birth and was very cross about it. My husband was there when our children were born and involved in caring from day one, as was my father when he was around. I recall he was far more relaxed handling dirty nappies than I was. Family dynamics and norms vary and generalisation is in my view dangerous.

That sounds like a lovely relationship with your father, and clearly he was very involved. But individual experiences don’t change the broader social norms of the time. In the 1940s and 50s many fathers weren’t even allowed in the delivery room, and childcare was widely seen as the mother’s role. Of course there were exceptions, but they weren’t the norm.

Acknowledging general trends isn’t a “fantasy time warp” as the other poster says — it’s simply recognising how expectations around parenting have changed over time. Family dynamics absolutely vary, but social norms still exist alongside that.

No worries crazy .

LemonJam
😂😂😂

My own mother mentioned churching but said no more when I said I had no up idea what it meant.

Just saying MILs can be strange

MILs are women and also mothers who may have different ideas.

Sorry * Smileless* - I misunderstood

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I think once a week is too much, especially when both parents are juggling full time jobs and clearly have other family and friends.

Having said this, I do understand your MiLs desire to see her grandson.

Why not get your DH to visit his parents, with your son, a couple of times a month, and if any visits missed due to other commitments then encourage him to set up a video call between them all.

As others have suggested go with your husband, even if only a couple of times a year, just ignore the past and spend a couple of hours making everyone happy

Good luck, try and remember our dear grand children are so precious to us “oldies”

DollyD

My DD had twin girls by cesarean section and was in pain and exhausted in the first few weeks.
Mil was a full of her own importance and was unkind and upset my Dd a number of times.
Fortunately Mil’s ex was a customer of mine and I knew still saw Mil on social occasions, so next time I saw him I told him how Mil was behaving and although Dd was a lovely, sweet girl, I was worried that she was getting to the point where she would stop Mil seeing the girls.
Mil had a complete personality change and from then on my Dd was the best thing since sliced bread.
So to the posters who say Surreysister’s Mil’s behaviour, is just the way she is, just appease her, I would say all bullies are cowards and when confronted, most will back down and start behaving.

Glad this worked out for your daughter.
I know from my husband that my FIL has spoken to her in the past about how shes been when hes seen it first hand. Nothing changed. Lets see what happens now she knows how i feel and i has come from me directly.

Smileless2012

Has anyone said the OP is responsible for her husband's relationship with his parents BlessedArt? I must also have missed posts where the OP's been blamed for him not wanting to spend much time with his parents, if that is the case.

Its been implied by many posters saying i am just utterly awful that our son hasnt seen them in 4 months.

LemonJam

I also agree appeasing MIL's is not always in the best interests of baby/Mum or Dad. Example of strange MIL behaviour - I went into labour nearly midnight, went to hospital and delivered my first baby in the middle of a summer heatwave/ Husband dropped round at my mum and Dads house, lived close by, to let them know first GC had been safely delivered- MIL's reaction to him:
1) said she was disappointed was a girl not a boy
2) told H he needed to get our house "churched" whilst I was in hospital- asked for a key, then arranged for a local vicar to 'church' our house
3) H was RC and had never heard of Cod E "church' custom ( neither had I!) but MIL insistent
4) I arrived home the following day and saw all the windows to my house wide open coming up the road and once inside the radiators on full blast 🤷‍♀️
5) H told me MIL had told him to "church' the house to get rid of all spirits and leave the radiators on and all the windows open until I arrived home with the baby so all evil spirits could depart
6) note on kitchen counter to H from MIL, plus a box of 4 cream cakes and a bottle of stout " I've gone on holiday will be back in 5 days- left the cream cakes because Lemondrop doesn't drink milk- you need to make sure she ups her calcium levels and has plenty of iron" !
7) Five days later, breast feeding established and baby making good progress M/MIL attended unannounced. She watched me change baby's nappy, soiled and various colours- I told her that was entirely normal for a breast fed baby
8) I then sat down to feed baby- she told me I was not allowed to breastfeed in public- my own living room 🤷‍♀️- whilst men present (my H and Dad) and out of respect needed to do so upstairs. I did as she asked and went upstairs..(looking back I cant believe I was so compliant....) .
9) afterwards I came downstairs and not long after a knock at the door- my GP. M/MIL had made an urgent call for a home visit stating there was something very wrong with new born baby
10) GP examined baby, nappy, and told M/MIL all was well, soiled nappies of such colours for BF babies entirely normal
11) GP took me aside( he was my Mum's GP also and had been , for many years) and advised me to have a plan how to manage Mum or she will run myself and H ragged....

Just saying MILs can be strange and can cause a lot of tension, upset and undue stress. She was and would never be open to any feedback at any time no matter how carefully worded from us or any other family member in any situation. She was a person who could only see things from her perspective and considered everyone else to be wrong. All family members, including her own siblings, worked out ways to circle her orbit, detach when necessary- accept when possible- but remain sane. Luckily I had a very lovely, loving Dad.

Gosh, thought i had it bad! Babies make people so strange

Message deleted by Gransnet.Quotes a deleted post.

BlessedArt

To add OP, I have two daughters and a son. Part of the reason I would never behave toward my DIL the way yours and some others have is because of my daughters. It would behoove some to think about how they’d feel if their own daughter was treated badly by a spouse’s parent. I suspect there are those who are threatened by a young woman standing up for herself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have boundaries. I am not defending your MIL. I am merely speaking of accepting that her personality will not specifically yield the response you are expecting, so move forward understanding that.

This is what i think ultimately i need to do, in time. Accept that thats who she is, and by my husbands account, and FIL, has always been. She’s not going to change at her age, but if what has happened makes her think twice about treating me the way she has done then that is a win for me. And if it doesnt, well theres nothing stopping me from walking away from the relationship again.

Lathyrus3

That isn’t insisting. Insisting is when you have the power to make it happen and you do make it happen. Against any protest.

That’s just saying what she wanted/expected.

That’s what the OP claims to value. Direct communication. The right to express your wants and opinions.

The OP has a right to say no to that request.

But praising herself for being “direct” in expressing her opinions and condemning her MiL for being direct in expressing hers is double standards in my book.

Now this is clutching at straws.

Of course she cannot enforce how often she visits. It was her behaviour AFTER we decided weekly visits was too much which was the main issue - the passive aggressiveness, face on, one word answers when we did see them. Thats the problem