Husband no help with overwhelm

Indiana

Thanks everyone for your varied responses. Its a real help just to hear other views!
We have had an estate agent round. Some of the things that need doing are DIY jobs that I'm cross about because they weren't done when they should have been, to finish off previous decorating.
Mainly though I think what's bugging me is that he doesn't try to pep me up when I feel unmotivated due to being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. I just want him to recognise that and do something silly to make me laugh and to lift me out of it, or give me a hug and some encouragement. We usually get on fine, but it seems when there's a bit of extra support needed he can't quite do it. Is it a man thing? AIBU?

Is he an engineer Indiana? It’s just that his approach to this reminds me of my ex husband.

I’ve also cleared a house more or less on my own over a few weeks. I advertised large furniture on EBay and sold several things. The rest I put on Freecycle. Small items were taken to the charity shop. Other stuff I put on the pavement with a sign saying Help Yourself. Leftover stuff (old paint cans etc) went to the tip. I hired someone to clean the cooker. We used someone to do a couple of small DIY jobs. Vacuumed round. Job done.

This is just what my husband was like. I totally recognise the lack of encouragement. The infuriating thing was that he could do everything perfectly well, it was just that he wouldn't. House moves were a nightmare, like wading through concrete, In the end I realised that he was on the spectrum and was quite incapable of working out how I was feeling. I can't offer any solutions, but you are not alone.

We moved the year before last - from a large 5 bedroom home to a smaller one. There was much to be done. We had regular sit down ‘meetings’ to discuss what needed doing and by who. It worked really well. Then when we moved we had renovations to organise so we carried on the
‘meetings’. That approach kept us focussed and supportive of each other and turned what can become stressful into a positive experience. Good luck with
everything

I feel the same way Indiana. My husband has said I have to decide where we move to and look at property online. When I've decided he will come with me to look at properties! He has said it needs to be a bungalow as we will only get older. Moving has been put back for about three years now as I have no support and he is not interested. He doesn't talk about anything and spends most of his day on his iPad, he does have one or two interests. I feel so let down but have started to look online but really miss the feeling of doing/planning something together. I feel for you but sadly am not really able to offer any helpful suggestions. I wish you well.

Lathyrus3

I think there are two problems here.

As far as the house is concerned I would get a couple of estate agents round and ask them what they think needs doing. It may not be what you think needs doing because you are looking at the house to your standards and still assessing it and on how you would want your home to be.

Then I would make a list and give him jobs.

The second problem is the bigger one in that he has disengaged himself from what should be a joint venture at a time of big change in your lives. No wonder you feel as you do.

I don’t know what the answer is to that, I’m afraid.

Good idea Get estate agents round the get some cleaners if you. really need them to spruce the place

Indiana

Thanks everyone for your varied responses. Its a real help just to hear other views!
We have had an estate agent round. Some of the things that need doing are DIY jobs that I'm cross about because they weren't done when they should have been, to finish off previous decorating.
Mainly though I think what's bugging me is that he doesn't try to pep me up when I feel unmotivated due to being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. I just want him to recognise that and do something silly to make me laugh and to lift me out of it, or give me a hug and some encouragement. We usually get on fine, but it seems when there's a bit of extra support needed he can't quite do it. Is it a man thing? AIBU?

Perhaps he is really not wanting to move?

Is moving a joint decision? If that's been addressed, apologies.

I'm not certain I could encourage a move I didn't want to make.

Could be that your husband doesn’t really want to move house. Has he been railroaded into it?

It depends on your personal situation. If you are usually happy together but have differing attitudes to DIY or the level of jobs that need to be done then you can have a plan for that. If however when you think about it there are other underlying feelings that he is not supportive of you or that he feels that what you want to happen is not what he wants then this can only make things more difficult.

So presuming you are basically happy together , but he doesnt see or doesnt want to do the outstanding jobs, then I would simply find a reliable DIY person, perhaps someone recommended by a friend who has already used them and pay them to do the jobs quickly and efficiently. The cost of this is down to your husband. If he complains it is too expensive then you simply say he has had plenty of time to do the jobs himself and chose not to and now these things need doing quickly to enable you to go on with your plans.

If you do this, firstly the pressure is going to be off you, as you will hopefully have someone who knows what they are doing and may even know some shortcuts or suggestions to improve on things. Then you will see the good results and hopefully relax more, which will in turn help you to see the difference between what you really need to do and what you would like to do. Another idea is in the future, when there is something he wants you to do, leave it and say nothing until he either reminds you or complains about the job not being done when you can explain to him that how he feels at that moment is how he constantly makes you feel and then perhaps you can come to an agreement.Whether that is that neither of you like doing these jobs and would rather perhaps work overtime tohave the money to pay someone else to do the job , or agree to a time scale when you will do things so that you dont end up with another situation with jobs not getting done for a long time.

Most men are like this- which is why I now live on my own, except my son moved in and he's just the same...

I'm not sure getting the house ready for viewings should be such an ordeal. People are looking for different things, mainly for what they would do with the house if they buy it.

I remember viewing a house where the first thing I was told was they had a satellite dish, which didn't interest me at all.

Also in a different house it was so cold I thought the first thing to sort would be the heating!

Maybe your DH has the right attitude- people will want it or they won't, a bit of mess shouldn't put them off.

Does your DH cook? Maybe you could share the cooking for lunch/evening meal. I agree with writing lists for day to day jobs it’s marvellous how quickly they get crossed off. Add one or two to his jobs and share the load and have a little treat ready now and again for both of you, it helps. Good luck.

This is exactly why I’ve decided to stay put and not move.
My OH will not get rid of anything and it infuriates me.
He’s another type who will also hoover around and not clean skirtings.etc

I know o would probably have a nervous breakdown if we moved so am hanging onto my sanity for now.

I think you seriously need to think about your relationship with this man going forward. Don't settle for second best or what feels comfortable and familiar. I'm sorry to say, maybe divorce?

Your situation sounds familiar! It seems that DH is doing his share - but that you feel overwhelmed and unmotivated? It’s hard isn’t it? Especially if you are nursing resentments about jobs that should have been done ages. That’s a trap I can easily fall into - but it’s just not helpful is it? We can’t change the past - only work on where we are. I am working hard these days to remind myself of that and not waste energy on things I can’t change.

I’m much better if I get up and get going as quickly as possible, without thinking too much. I sometimes set a time limit and plan a treat eg stopping for coffee and a pastry at a certain point. Perhaps even book in some joint treats to enjoy with DH - a pub lunch, a walk or a day out somewhere when you get to certain milestones. Celebrating your achievements together might help you feel closer?

I find that listening to an audiobook helps make the time go by, especially if it’s a thriller. I get them free from the Library. BBC Sounds have some good stuff too. Or sometimes music works. Do you have a good friend or relative who would come and do a day with you? Working as a pair is a great way to get through.

Be kind to yourself - big changes are hard. DH probably has his own thoughts and feelings too, but might not be sharing them while he is focused on tasks.

I'm working through a long series of jobs on our house. We bought it 22 years ago, it was ready to move into, & although we've had new boilers and a new roof, nothing else has been done.
My DH has always made it plain he doesn't do DIY. I'm from a typical farming family, along with the agriculture my Dad & now my brother did general building and basic vehicle maintenance themselves, as well as tree surgery, fencing, JCB work etc. So it's hard for me to accept that we need to get tradesmen to do every little thing.

I've used a good builder who project managed a revamp of several rooms for me, but I'm doing the rest, as well as decorating all the new walls / doors etc.I accept I need to do it myself or get someone in, but the frustrating thing is that DH won't help when there's a job where I need an extra pair of hands (Moving heavy furniture to take up carpet before the carpet fitters come in?wiring in a new light fitting that is heavy and delicate and needs an extra pair of hands to support it while I do the fitting? Putting up coving? )
My son will help, but DiL always says, why can't DH do it?

I am a bit fed up, but I am nearly finished. An occasional "that looks good" or "I see you've finished that" would go a long way, but nearly always I end up prompting even for these comments.

He does work long hours & I'm retired, he's also someone who seems indifferent to decor (only interested in things that the neighbours can see & might judge him on)

If you find a strategy that works with your DH, please let me know...

Does he actually want to move? Is this his way of disengaging ?

Or is he just one of those men who thinks there is a magic fairy in the house? I bet you are still doing the housework, cooking, washing etc. Perhaps if he got low on socks/shirts etc when you leave it, or has to get into an unmade bed, he might realise

I wondered that too FranP
Does he actually want to move?

NotSpaghetti

I wondered that too FranP
^Does he actually want to move?^

I asked a few posts above.

I suspect the answer may be that he has no desire to move.

We've never moved. Lived in our home 65 years.

If asked to move, I'd dig in. No thank you to moving.

Yes, sorry Norah it was actually raised by maybe four or five people - FranP was just the latest!

I just wanted to come back to say thanks again! We've talked, made lists and more lists, ticked things off, taken two big loads to a charity shop and have a pile to try to sell. The jobs on the house are getting done (a bit of painting, fitting architrave, replacing a few sockets etc etc) and life is busy but I'm feeling less stressed. Gave myself a talking to and also tried to see life from DHs point of view after reading comments here. I think he is on the edge of the spectrum - you'd think I'd have realised after over 30 years together! Anyway we're back working as a team again. Gransnet is a great place to offload and also get help, much appreciated.

Good news Indiana

We are selling our holiday home and have so much ‘stuff’ there.

Every few weeks we go there with our two amazing sons who sort, clear, dump and bring things home..
it’s easier for us as we don’t live there, so we’ve left it in the hands of the estate agents and will get a house clearance team in for whatever is left.

Take it step by step and it will get done.. Yes overwhelming at the moment but you’ll gradually get there.

Indiana

I just wanted to come back to say thanks again! We've talked, made lists and more lists, ticked things off, taken two big loads to a charity shop and have a pile to try to sell. The jobs on the house are getting done (a bit of painting, fitting architrave, replacing a few sockets etc etc) and life is busy but I'm feeling less stressed. Gave myself a talking to and also tried to see life from DHs point of view after reading comments here. I think he is on the edge of the spectrum - you'd think I'd have realised after over 30 years together! Anyway we're back working as a team again. Gransnet is a great place to offload and also get help, much appreciated.

I didn’t realise that about my husband until it was too late. I should have said everything to him in a straightforward way instead of assuming that he could interpret what I was trying to say tactfully!

That's good to hear Indiana, and thanks for letting us know.

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