Son in law

REPORTED Jessicabrown

Obviously your daughter needs a sit down chat with him, as if it often happens there’s a problem, I get it that you’re not ‘too fond’ of him, perhaps he senses this and preempts it by not attending but hasn’t the guts to say why !
What rearranging was needed You just go minus one ..no problem I would have thought your daughter and babies would have enjoyed Mother’s Day better without him in tow, why do men need to be tagged into this kind of jaunt.She may have a baby and toddler but you’re two women surely the two of you can manage them at a table .
To be realistic is it the best Mother’s Day outing with two little ones in tow.
Maybe you have too high expectations of ‘happy family’ mode.

Perhaps if your daughter cares she'll speak to him.

If not, maybe they'll continue as they are. Daughter with you, him with his friends, which actually may suit their marriage well.

Not yours to solve. I'm sorry he made you angry.

silverlining48

When I had my two 20 months apart I didn’t have a car so had to manage them on public transport which is much harder but not impossible.
I know it’s easy to get upset and do understand but as I said upthread it’s up to your dd to sort this out. She is either happy with him and tolerates his behaviour or she isn’t and she doesn’t.
I hope you had an enjoyable day, probably all the better for his absence.

Yes, same here. In fact DH was away much of the time, although when he was away I did have the car. Swings and roundabouts.

Shimmer

Yes we have gone without him but its quite a struggle for my daughter having a baby and toddler to handle

But you were going to be there too to help.
It sounds as if it would be more enjoyable without him anyway.

Mind you, perhaps having a meal at home might have been easier than taking out a baby and toddler and trying to enjoy yourselves too.

When I had my two 20 months apart I didn’t have a car so had to manage them on public transport which is much harder but not impossible.
I know it’s easy to get upset and do understand but as I said upthread it’s up to your dd to sort this out. She is either happy with him and tolerates his behaviour or she isn’t and she doesn’t.
I hope you had an enjoyable day, probably all the better for his absence.

Sod him next year. Just book a table for the girls. If he moans, hard cheese!

Years ago I had a friend whose DH sounds very like your SiL.
I once overheard a neighbour calling him a man 'with no arms' which made me smile.
My friend used to say he would go out on his own with a fiver and come home with twenty quid.
When she went out with her friends she used to prepare everything he needed for the kids, and made him a flask so he didn't even need to make himself a drink! This was obviously in the days before mobiles.
Needless to say the marriage didn't last (he was having an affair with the babysitter) and I get the sense from these posts that OP's daughters marriage will not stay the course either.

That's what I've done, we went for the meal and tried to enjoy the day.
My daughter was very upset though so it has spoilt things. It's up to her though like you say. Apparently he was cooking his meal when she got home ( really poorly I'd say !!!!

Shimmer

Yes we have gone without him but its quite a struggle for my daughter having a baby and toddler to handle

I think this is the really annoying bit, if he just can’t be bothered to turn up it does mean your daughter is overwhelmed with a baby and a toddler, obviously you would try to help but I know that often it is the other parent who is most able to calm a crying baby or tantrumming toddler.
But as someone already said this is your daughter’s problem no matter how annoyed you might be. She must be aware of this and it must annoy her as well. Leave them to it.
He could just be really selfish, introverted, or seriously needs to see a GP.

I do not understand

This is not the first time he has done it yet you are mad again.

This is for your daughter to address with him

I’m not really understanding? Does it truly matter if he’s there or not, He’s your SiL, not your son or daughter, I’d also have no issue sending him back a meal.

My son lives in Bristol, we are in Essex, his lovely partner of 9 years often doesn’t come with him on a visit. She has awful anxieties which can flare up over what we might consider trivial things.

She’s taking steps to manage this (medication and therapy)

We are sad when she doesn’t come, not angry, as we are very fond of her.

Yes we have gone without him but its quite a struggle for my daughter having a baby and toddler to handle

This isn't the reason
He goes out with friends regularly

You should have gone and left him to it.I wouldn’t let one person spoil a family event.

Same question asLathyrus - ‘ we were all due to go out’ - was his mother included ?

He has done this so many times now, saying he's too ill then by the evening there is nothing wrong with him.He has done it when I've asked them over for Sunday lunch then has the nerve to ask my daughter to take his meal back for him to have at home( I don't think so sonny!!).I've stopped asking them now.
He's spoilt a potentially really nice day, he's so selfish.

Trip not tip …sort not so ft.. apologetics, am using a tiny phone without glasses

Not sure what rearranging your tip needs, just turn up and say you are one person fewer. This is really between your dd and sil to sift out. Sorry but I dont understand how his non appearance can ruin the day.

This could well be an anxiety of being out in crowds, stuck on a table, feeling like there's no escape, kind of situation. I get it myself, I'm fine outside, but don't like the feeling of being sat at a table, busy restaurant, lots of chatter, I feel too overwhelmed by it. I'm an outgoing and friendly person, and it drives me mad, unable to go to the theatre or cinema because of feeling "stuck in", but I have no control over it. Maybe it's the same for him, he's to be pitied if that is the case, but it would be better if he came clean about it so you would understand how he feels and why he makes excuses for not joining in.

Scrub the three women. I got muddled with the other poster who was unhappy with her son in law.

So who is “all of you”. All your family?

A day out with three women. I can see why he wouldn’t be looking forward to that😬

He should have said no thanks right at the start when he was asked rather than pulling out.

I assume he was asked if he wanted to come with you all?

I would have gone without him. Some people seem okay socially but reality can be different. I do know someone who seems very outgoing but have seen them struggle at family gatherings or meeting friends.
This is a man and he suffers with anxiety that not a lot of people know about. It may be that he is the same or maybe not I don’t know but thought you might be interested.

In your situation I'd have gone without him.

Gran22boys

Some people don’t like fuss. Maybe he’s an introvert. Just leave him alone and go without him.

I hadn’t considered that, was perhaps a tad harsh on him, calling him a wet lettuce, he could have problems socialising.

Do you mean he has pulled out of gatherings with your family “so often”? Or let her down in other ways?