Relationship Distance

You're describing the reality of a long distance relationship- now past the heady, early, exciting days.

You say you "give up your life' when you visit your partner for long weekends every other week and she does the same in reverse on the alternate week. I don't fully understand what you mean by "giving up your life" though? Surely the days you spend with your partner are a pleasurable highlight for you both, rather than experiencing some kind of loss (giving up) of what is more enjoyable in your life, ie couple time part of your life and a good part? The way you describe it as though all the things you value in life, your home, kids/grandchildren, tennis, coaching IS your life thus you feel you are giving up what's important to travel and spend time with her. Do you not ever meet her friends and family and she meet yours so that your lives are intertwining and integrating during your long weekends? How do you maintain connection nd communication during the week days you are apart so you do not feel so 'alone'?

Some would love this set up as their independence and couple needs both get met- others not as their couple needs are higher than maintaining independence. The question is does your current situations suit you and your partner? Are you talking to her about how you feel? Or are you hankering after something different, not long distance, either with your partner or with someone else? Would you like to find a partner who lives in closer proximity so you can then spend more time with each other, integrate your lives more and feel less "alone" as you describe during the week? And because you realise your energy levels and health may decline somewhat as the years pass by and the long drive may become increasingly a burden?

The way you see yourself as being alone during the week suggests you may have a desire for more couple time. Do you harbour any wish to live with someone, with them moving into your home? If so that desire may continue to grow. Or are you just worried about the practicalities of the 1 hour 45 minute drive that will become more onerous as both of you age?

Long distance relationships have their challenges and are not for everyone. From what you've said neither of you wish to move or change your respective lifestyles. I can only suggest talking with your partner and reflecting whether you both feel your life is better with each other, with the the long distant relationship as it is or whether you both seek some change. If change what kind of change.

Life isn't always simple and rarely perfect.....

Enjoy life while you can…….it’s not a rehearsal 🤗.
If you did live closer and saw each other more, who’s to say that things might not fizzle out and regrets emerged?

Have you considered meeting half way occasionally and staying in a hotel, guest house etc?

Sounds like your heart's not really in it. It is hard to contemplate giving up your home and lifestyle, and for her too. Maybe just enjoy what you have for the time being and say to her what you've said on here. She might not want to change her lifestyle either. Interestingly you don't mention wanting to live with anyone but just want the convenience of someone living nearer to you.

OP, your ponderings have answered your own question,

with a perceptive last sentence from Plevey08, of course

I think it’s a stretch to say you are partners even if you are exclusive, just two people with a long-distance relationship.

I have been in this situation myself, although the geographical distance was a littler greater. I understand exactly what you are saying as I felt the same. We were two people who enjoyed one another’s company when we met but lead separate and very different lives in our respective home cites which didn’t overlap.

Although we had some things in common, he had little interest in the things that I am most passionate about and vice versa. Of course, that can be true of people who share a home but they at least have that in common.

I won’t go into details but I was glad when it ended as it was all starting to feel like too much effort and somewhat contrived. I sense you are feeling the same. The novelty wears off and it all starts to feel like too much effort.

I suspect that many of us who prefer to live alone, like to have someone close by with whom we can feel comfortable doing or not much with with, or doing something impromptu. Someone to call up at 6:00 pm and say, Fancy going to the pub, or a stroll on a summer’s evening or coming over to share a takeaway and watch a film, without the rigmarole of logistics. It’s what friendships are. If that friendship comes with “benefits” until we feel too old, all well and good.

I thing you know this might be coming to an end as relationships do. I truly believe that all relationships, in whatever form they take, have a shelf life, a best before date. They either move forward or they can become stale, repetitive and unsatisfying.

An important part of being “partners” is surely planning the future together even if its just about the mundane but nevertheless important things, about how to get around when age becomes problematic and who might care for us when we need it. You are already thinking that way and you are right to do so.

You need to have a discussion and tell her how you feel. A rational person will understand.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Graphite hit it on the head.

It seems so different when we are older. When you are you young you plan and have a family, buy a house etc. , plan a life together. When you start dating at an older age we are already established and it's more about doing things together sometimes, holidaying together maybe (as we have and as we have planned for the future).

I'm very happy with my busy day to day life but of course it's nice to have someone in your life who is affectionate towards you and with whom you can spend some time.

Yes of course I enjoy spending time with her, and I have met her friends and vice-versa and no issues; we both feel accepted and people seem to think we are good together.

But just getting together at weekends it's very "full on" - it's like all or nothing. As Graphite says the idea of saying "come over for dinner tonight" is not an option. I feel like a guest in her house and vice-versa. And when she is with me, quite rightly she wants my attention 100% of the time, and we always have to plan things to do rather than just "hang out".

By integrating more - I didn't mean necessarily spending more time together. I meant for example I could coach football Saturday morning, then have dinner and maybe spend the night together at one of our houses. Then maybe do our own thing Sunday and perhaps go out for a drink Monday. With being so far apart everything has to be more planned and sometimes when the day comes to make a trip I might feel I'd rather stay home that day and play my guitar, or have a game of tennis or something. Other times I might really feel like seeing her. We do stay in touch most days with a quick video chat and text everyday.

At the moment it's very much a matter of playing it week by week which seems to work for her more than me. I wonder if this will still be satisfying in 5 years.

She is planning on retiring in a year and a half so things might change then but neither of us want to move.

And RE answering my own question - it really does help to put things in writing as sometimes it helps one see things more clearly. And others can ask you pointed questions which make you consider things you might not have, or can't easily put into words.

Yes - the reality of a long distance relationship! I have a good friend who had a partner a short flight away - they stayed that way for 6 years while both working then eventually moved in together in their mid 60s. I can't see that happening and neither of us want that.

Perhaps you can save the best out of this by reducing the frequency of meeting, and not travelling to each others home turf. Once a month you could spend a couple of days explorin g a different area together stay at a hotel etc midway between homes.

Once she retires your shared time will be more flexible; is that far away?

Hi and welcome to Gransnet.

What you describe sounds like (to me) living in two different places. After a while I can see how that would become a drag.

We all compartmentalise our lives to some extent for example I have friends that my husband has nothing in common with, so I tend to always see them alone, likewise I will spend weekends away with my widowed sister, and he has golf trips away. The difference is that it’s occasional.

Who was it who said contentment and the best relationships is having “someone to do nothing with” - and for that to work you need someone who doesn’t want your attention 100% when you’re with them, nor having to always have “plans”.

Sorry, I don’t have the answer or any sage advice … ☺️

If you were 20 years younger you wouldn’t carry on with this relationship, would you?

You’d call an end and look for what you really wanted.

Settling for ok is one of the traps of getting older I think 🤔🙂

yep - we are all getting older aren't we? It's not always fun is it? I remember my father finding a new partner after my mother passed - he always said "This is not a great love affair but we support each other and get on fine". I'm very pleased to have met someone stable and supportive after a couple of dodgy girlfriends (including one who literally hid her vodka supply in the bathroom cupboard lol). I really should be more grateful for what I do have rather than trying to improve things all the time. I think the best suggestion I had which resonated was perhaps not see her every weekend.

Thanks to everyone for your comments.

It seems to have run its course. You both refer your freedom..

It makes me just a little sad reading this, as you both sound fond of each other.

Maybe it’s just the routine of her house one weekend, your house the following, which is not working.

Also her working and you retired.

Maybe just have an honest conversation with her and mix it up more, you clearly both enjoy each others company.

Lots of suggestions here, have a good long think and don’t throw away a good friend unless there’s really no other option.

Good luck, let us all know how it goes, 🥀🥀

RickA enjoy this friendship and dont try to make it become more than what it is. Cherish your friend and with no strings attached. What you have is nicer than romance.

Welcome RickA I can see where you are coming from and it’s difficult if you love each other, but neither of you love each other enough to move, so that perhaps is your answer.
Can you visualise life without her ?
I think there has to be compromise if the relationship is to continue, nearly 2 hours away is a good distance to travel every other weekend Some people would love having two lives the best of both worlds, but obviously the routine is getting to you now.
I think Cossiess suggestion of mixing it up a bit and not being so routine and stuck in the rut of every weekend, is perhaps a good idea but if you want a stable settled, conventional lover who is fully part of your life than this isn’t it is it ?

Really depends if you can be both be happy without each other as you sound as if you have got what everyone wants a lovely friendship /relationship.
Good luck but if you do break up don’t rush out to find someone to take her place you can live a strong happy life without a partner you dont necessarily have to be a pair to be happy.

By the way I ve reported JessicaBrown