Anxiety

There is nothing wrong with you! Why does everyone think that being outgoing is automatically better than being an introvert?
Let me ask you. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? That is part of the journey we are all on.
I’ve been there - rethinking everything I said for days. It’s miserable.
First of all, no one is criticizing you the way you are criticizing yourself. No one. They are not thinking about anything you said.
Secondly, most people are focused on themselves and not you.
To that end, as an introvert, one of the tools I’ve learned is simply asking people questions in social situations. People generally love to talk about their lives, grandchildren, hobbies etc.
I do think your husbands insensitivity is a separate issue and has nothing to do with you. It’s his problem if he hasn’t learned to accept and support who you are. Try not to take that personally.
But most of all, think about learning to love yourself exactly as you are. Sure visit your GP to rule out anything that might help. But otherwise, be you. 💕

It's that same old thing of "he likes horse racing, she likes football" Each could do a little of the other's preference, a little of their own and a little of neither!

I don’t know any man that understands anything about women. Too selfish!

You know that thing about Fear of Being Overlooked (FOBO)
What about FOBI Fear of Being Involved.

Shimmer, there is nothing wrong with you. You simply need to learn few tricks to get you through having to socialise with uncongenial people.

Keep your personal space and dignity whatever you say to strangers. It is called 'being your own person'. I hope your husband does not inflict uncongenial company for long periods.

On those occasions can you tolerate maybe five minutes of polite ly smiling exchanges and then excuse yourself?

My husband was always a quiet stay at home person with hobbies at home. When I was younger I was embarrassed to have to decline dinner parties etc because he wouldn’t go. Now I’m older I just tell it like it is- everyone’s different and I socialise with my women friends and we’re both happy.
Don’t be afraid to say count me out I prefer to read my book after a lovely day. Have something ready to say in a friendly way. BE YOURSELF as other posters have said. You have as much right to do what you want to do as the others can do their own thing. Whatever makes you happy especially on holiday.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Oh kissngate how utterly embarrassing for you. Were you mortified? I’d have been.

However I expect you treated the situation with aplomb. I’m curious though to know how your husband reacted? 😮

FGT- he was really upset and didn't leave the room until evening to go for food. Then we walked into a restaurant saw them sat in a corner he was so embarrassed we left. After that he avoided them which wasn't easy over 10 days.

However this wasn't the first time I'd had to tell him albeit the first time on time on holiday (although I've thought before couples were avoiding us!!). I once had the wife of a friend of his ring me to tell him to stop phoning and calling round. But it was another guy who told him straight. They had a mutual hobby but played for different teams my oh in a much higher division. To my surprise oh announces just before start of season he was no longer playing for Club A but Club D who this guy played for. First match he comes home furious discovered his so called friend has left the team. When he phones him finds out in no uncertain terms that he is the reason for it. That was many years ago he rarely goes out now.

I understand how you feel..When you both have busy jobs and are sometimes like ships in the night, a holiday together is your time,. Some people you meet just like an audience and latch on.. Now widowed, I holiday quite often on my own, I am friendly but never latch on to anyone. I get anxious over things I never used to. You and your husband have different ideas about socialising and I think you need to explain to him just how you feel and meet each other half way.

Trouble is, your husband sounds the opposite to you.

He probably finds it a bit (hate to say) restricting being just with you when away, and enjoys meeting up with others and socialising. Sees holidays as an opportunity to make new acquaintances.

We like to be pleasant to others when away, but no way do we want to get too pally with anyone.

I used to be very shy and almost had a panic attack if I was meeting new people at a party or event.
My DGMiL who was a mentor for me used to say "just show your face to be polite, then you can slip away whenever you want"
Using her rule has helped me no end.

Now I have lost my anxiety to such an extent that I probably annoy people by chatting up strangers!

Oh to get it right.

You've had some good advice here. I hope you can enjoy your next holiday.

Oh kissngate how utterly embarrassing for you. Were you mortified? I’d have been.

However I expect you treated the situation with aplomb. I’m curious though to know how your husband reacted? 😮

Dylis

I have just returned from a holiday in Menorca with my husband. It was wonderful, our hotel was filled with elderly Spanish people who knew how to enjoy themselves! They spoke little English and we spoke even less Spanish. They were very gracious and welcoming. Not having to make small talk with other people was refreshing.
Last year we spent a week in a hotel full of Brits who launched into their life stories at the drop of a hat. We even took to hiding from one particular chap who would have talked at us for hours given the chance. Not a conversation, he just wanted an audience.
You are not anti social!

We had a similar situation last year . We were in southern Crete and met no Brits during our time there . It’s a 2 hour drive from the airport, so most Brits cba to do the drive . We had Dutch , Belgians and Germans at our hotel and it was lovely to meet them .
We’ve recently returned from the Caribbean and had British couples and Americans latching on to us with their full life histories . We too hid from some .

You are not anti social. A few years ago I had to tell my husband that his company was not wanted by one couple. He is always the one who latches on to a couple and basically stalks them round a resort. On this occasion after a few days they approached me at reception when he had gone back to the room. Very politely told me they thought my oh was overly friendly and could I tell him not to join them again in a bar or restaurant as they wanted time for themselves. There needs to be a balance from a friendly hello and chat to swapping your life history with strangers.

I have just returned from a holiday in Menorca with my husband. It was wonderful, our hotel was filled with elderly Spanish people who knew how to enjoy themselves! They spoke little English and we spoke even less Spanish. They were very gracious and welcoming. Not having to make small talk with other people was refreshing.
Last year we spent a week in a hotel full of Brits who launched into their life stories at the drop of a hat. We even took to hiding from one particular chap who would have talked at us for hours given the chance. Not a conversation, he just wanted an audience.
You are not anti social!

I think there are two sides to this question. Some people just get a buzz out of meeting and chatting to people, and others, like me, like to connect with people on the same wave length. Have you ever explored your social anxiety with a psychologist? I discovered that I was just a miserable person when in the wrong company, but give me the right company, and I had a great time.

Oh just to add , no you’re not being antisocial . It’s who you are

Witzend

My mother was like this. She was fine while my father - a very jolly, sociable, type, was alive, since she could ‘hide behind him’ so to speak, at any non-family social occasion.

Once he was gone, she just wouldn’t go to anything unless one of us went with her - not even a meeting of her residents’ association of the small close where she lived, even though she knew most of the others.

By then we knew it’d be useless - and just cause her stress - to try to persuade her.

I’m a sort of cross between my parents - I’m fine with social occasions but would often prefer not to have to go!

One dd is a real extrovert, extremely sociable, the other is more like me.
And as so often with extroverts, mine thinks there’s something wrong with people who aren’t like her!

My mother is exactly the same . My father was very sociable and his job involved entertaining clients, often with my mother. I now realise she was hiding behind him. Since his death 20 years ago she rarely goes out unless it’s with me, my siblings , her siblings or a small group of girlfriends she met at my primary school.
She lives in a retirement complex and doesn’t go to coffee mornings unless I take her. She just finds socialising too stressful.
I’m a combination of both parents . I’m fine with social occasions, meeting people and can do small talk . But also enjoy my own company and being by myself.

Not antisocial.

I've not much interest in people apart from family, happy introvert.

No! You are not in any way being “antisocial”

It’s an awful blight to have social anxiety.

There may be many reasons why, have you ever mentioned it to your GP? I ask because there are many different ways to manage this horrible condition.

If nothing else. It might be worth you googling it & perhaps your DH should too!

My mother was like this. She was fine while my father - a very jolly, sociable, type, was alive, since she could ‘hide behind him’ so to speak, at any non-family social occasion.

Once he was gone, she just wouldn’t go to anything unless one of us went with her - not even a meeting of her residents’ association of the small close where she lived, even though she knew most of the others.

By then we knew it’d be useless - and just cause her stress - to try to persuade her.

I’m a sort of cross between my parents - I’m fine with social occasions but would often prefer not to have to go!

One dd is a real extrovert, extremely sociable, the other is more like me.
And as so often with extroverts, mine thinks there’s something wrong with people who aren’t like her!

My mother suffered very badly from social anxiety .
When she retired - she no longer had to force herself to socialise with people and it became worse .
She had many hobbies ,but time and time again she'd give them up because someone had upset her .
Someone at my church called her a recluse and was quite insulting.
A neighbour told me that he never really liked her .
She had passed and both comments were insensitive .

The thing is - my mother had PTSD and our GP would prescribe huge doses of valium to cope with it .
Later he managed to wean her off the valium and put her on Prozac .
The hospital decided to take her off Prozac and I had a terrible time trying to cope with her anxieties .
The GP represcribed it .
She had counselling ,but not enough .

It used frustrate my father (an extremely quiet and retiring man )-but he didn't push her into going out and had to accept that holidays had become an ordeal .
Unresolved issues had become more of a problem for her as she aged .
I also found it frustrating ,but I understood her feelings.
I used to take her out otherwise she'd stay at home all the time.

I don't have an easy solution for this .

Recently,I've had two verbal attacks of racial abuse delivered against me followed by witnessing some supermarket workers being attacked during a late night shop.

It's shaken me to the core .

I'd describe the area in which I live as a pleasant leafy suburb - very much a dormitory town .

Now I see it in an entirely different light .

If I'm not careful I'm going to end up like my mother with social anxiety /agoraphobia .

I'm going out today .
I've arranged to go out at the weekend .

I am sorry you have had this type of anxiety on holiday. Your husband should know your character, and that you find socializing with strangers hard.

Tell him how you feel, and maybe let him go off oh his own for a while, whilst you enjoy yourself with a book.

Shimmer, being yourself is all that you need to be. Anxiety can be all consuming, exhausting and no doubt was made much worse by being in unfamiliar surroundings, being on holiday.
I’m sure when you’ve thought it all through, you will accept that you did nothing wrong or out of character.
Take care of yourself.

Not at all antisocial.
Why should you have to spend time with these people, or any people? You went on holiday with your husband, time away from the social norms at home, so you could relax and spend time together, or separately, if you wanted!!
If your husband is inclined to spend a lot of time with them, let him while you enjoy some time alone. As long as he spends some time with you, too, you should both have a lovely holiday!!

I feel for you, but also for your husband. A sociable person will find it very claustrophobic to be away on holiday and only have conversations with one other person, and must crave other company. Is there a compromise, where you could spend some of your time away separately, you could read or relax, and he could mix, eg a quiz, a pool tournament, golf or whatever? I think you would probably both have a better holiday if both your needs were met.