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Is this a friendship?

(20 Posts)
Stillness Fri 17-Apr-26 12:30:58

I’d appreciate your views about a friend I’ve known for 7 or 8 years. Or is she a friend? We originally met at an exercise class which now no longer exists and got on really well together and since it finished we’ve just met in the local town (where we both live) for coffee and a chat. It used to be every few weeks but now she has started taking multiple holidays and is rarely back in the uk for more than 2 or 3 weeks at a time. She always says to me after meeting up, ‘I’ll be in touch’, and that can mean in a week or months, maybe even 4 or 5 months. Then, she treats me like a long lost friend, hugging and kissing and basically, it’s coffee with her recalling all of her travels which can be interesting but to be honest, can be a bit boring! There’s nothing like hearing the details of some else’s holiday is there! She does ask how I am but in comparison, my life might seem mundane which I don’t think greatly interests her. She will often abruptly just look at her watch and say that she must get home whether it’s been even just thirty minutes or so. I suppose I feel I’m being used. She doesn’t seem to have any other friends locally and I’m not sure why she wants to stay in touch…..and then she’s off again….I do like her but to me, a friendship is more than that. I think she’ll be in touch soon as the dates she told me mean that she’ll be home for a few weeks. Perhaps I should cherish all my relationships but I’m not sure what to do and have never been in this situation before. I have a few good friends and a number of acquaintances but with this I don’t know how to keep seeing her without rightly or wrongly, feeling resentment and a degree of hurt. Or on the other hand, how do I let this relationship go….

Basgetti Fri 17-Apr-26 12:49:43

You’ve outgrown each other, it happens.

Purplepixie Fri 17-Apr-26 13:02:06

I would just slowly back away. Don’t be available when the next meeting is due. Find other things to interest you. Maybe learn a new hobby or go out with other friends. I had a “friend” like that and everyone around said that we just weren’t suited to each other. It took me a few years to see it and I am a happier person with her not in my life. Take care.

Aveline Fri 17-Apr-26 13:06:38

Just go with the flow. Enjoy her flying visits and don't expect too much of her.

Wyllow3 Fri 17-Apr-26 13:07:16

She is no longer "great buddy" material. Back off slowly and put your energies into more rewarding relationships.

There is that wise saying about relationships:

"The popular phrase, often attributed to a poem by Brian A. "Drew" Chalker,

suggests that people enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime

This philosophy emphasizes accepting the impermanence of relationships, encouraging gratitude for the growth or support a person brought, rather than harboring resentment when they leave.

so maybe its was a season or a reason.

SpinDriftCoastal Fri 17-Apr-26 13:46:39

Mismatch of energy. You like a friendship with a bit more to it. She is one of these people that flits everywhere. We had one at our WI a few weeks ago. She was very bubbly, everywhere, full of energy, didn't stop talking and 'Woosh' she was gone. I left the outing thinking 'thank goodness I am not friends with her'.
Focus on the people who are worth your time and energy. You could always treat her as a very superficial contact letting her do all the contacting and arranging. But, up to you what you want. And, remember, you are worthy of good friends.

Georgesgran Fri 17-Apr-26 13:58:14

Personally, if you’re not offended by her, I’d just meet up with her if it’s only a few times a year, but you could always be unavailable now and again and see how it goes?

Cossy Fri 17-Apr-26 14:12:25

Aveline

Just go with the flow. Enjoy her flying visits and don't expect too much of her.

Yes I agree, if this is what you want, if not just back off thanks

Nightsky2 Fri 17-Apr-26 14:26:04

Sounds a bit like my best friend that was!. Her DH died and she’s got a new man in her life. She’s having a wonderful time, here there and everywhere, it’s almost non stop. I can’t keep up with it all and I miss her🥲.
You think you know your best friend of 25 years very well but you don’t really.
There was never a hint that she would be interested in finding a new man so it came as a terrible shock when she did. I just got chucked on the sideline or that’s how it feels like.
It’s taken 3 years for it to sink in that she’s not going to be around much anymore so I’m getting on with my life. Hers is much more exciting and I wish her well as she spent years looking after her DH extremely well who had Alzheimer’s.

Nightsky2 Fri 17-Apr-26 14:57:21

Stillness.., You really must stop feeling resentful. Things happen in life. Do what I do, just look forward to your friends next visit.

Davida1968 Fri 17-Apr-26 15:12:11

TBH I think that I wouldn't bother with her. As I've become older, I've less time for people who aren't real friends. These days I prefer to meet up with people who have time for me. This said, we are all different, so perhaps seeing this person suits you, Stillness? If it really doesn't, then why bother?

Esmay Fri 17-Apr-26 18:35:23

Sounds like the relationship that I have with a long - term friend of 25 years plus.
She blows hot and cold and over the last three years - it's become extreme.

I've gone through a lengthy period of feeling really let down and upset - now I realise that she's totally self engrossed and only does things,which please her .
I've also found that she tells some real whoppers and can be dishonest.

Recently,she's been all chummy again after months of being rude and unfriendly.

I've learnt to just step back.
There's no need for heated words /not speaking .

I plan to eventually move away ,anyway .
I'm sad of course .
It's just life.

Aveline Fri 17-Apr-26 18:40:35

Telling lies is a massive red flag for me. I once caught a 'friend' out in a lie and never felt the same about her again.

Esmay Fri 17-Apr-26 22:18:04

There's no need to lie to a friend .
I was really shaken the first time I realised that my friend was lying to me .
I began to wonder what other lies she'd told me .
My trust seemed to evaporate.

fancythat Sat 18-Apr-26 19:52:38

Aveline

Just go with the flow. Enjoy her flying visits and don't expect too much of her.

I agree with Aveline.

Maremia Sat 18-Apr-26 21:49:19

It's really up to you. Do you enjoy meeting her, even though it can be one sided with the chat?
Just suit yourself.

Newatthis Sat 18-Apr-26 23:39:23

You say you're not sure why she wants to keep in touch - the question you should be asking is why do you want to keep in touch. You have other friends and aquaintances so why do you need her in your life? You obviously find her tales of travel boring, you say she's not interested in you, why do you still meet?

Macaydia Sun 19-Apr-26 04:19:33

You just might be the only attempt at a friendship that she has. Your life may feel boring to you at times but it is a stability that she will never have and though she is a busy lady, I think she cherishes the time you give her.

HeavenLeigh Mon 27-Apr-26 21:16:39

I don’t think I’d carry this friendship on to be honest, I would find it really rude if my friend would abruptly look at her watch and say she’s got to go, to me that would seem that she’s only interested in talking about herself and not really on your wavelength I’d knock it on the head but not literally 🤣

jeanie99 Mon 11-May-26 13:21:49

If the next meetup is convenient to you see her. if she's become very tiring to you because the conversation is one sided then call it a day.

This is called life, the people we knew 60 years ago we keep in touch with most of the ones who are still living just the occasional email and Christmas card.
My husband and I both have social lives with separate interests and we go out together. I'm still socialising coffee and a cake with new people, so life is good.
Don't concern yourself about things that were or should be just get on with life because it can be short.