Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?

Crikey. I started reading, and reading and thought this should be on the AIBU forum. The lack of insight and bigotry was just so evident all the way through.

Not to be harsh but you did ask the overt question- what have I done wrong- so here is my list for what its worth:

1) You can not imagine or expect your son to end up with a 'smart Korean woman- just why?
2) Your son was not disrespectful when you voiced your opinion to him by responding "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white."- he was merely stating facts and holding his ground in the face of your bias
3) 2 years is not much of an age difference
4) You don't need to be 'thrilled' with your son's choice of partner- if you ever are that's a bonus
5) Either your son or his partner at any time might or might not gain an upper hand in their relationship- power balance changes form time to time- its there business if they are happy and together- give them time and space to grow and learn and don't be so biased and judgemental
6) why should the man have the "upper hand" anyway?
7) Your son will end up with a partner of his choosing
8) stop making "unfortunate" ( rude and disrespectful ) statements to your son that his relationship with his partner might not be "serious
9) Do not tell your son to "keep his options open" when he is in a relationship
10) "Why repetitively offend your son's partner and keep apologising. Learn what offends her and stop doing it.
11) it was offensive to tell A (not Korean) that Korean women make better mothers and lovers- wholly indefensible. It is not for your son and A to let that go as your "rocky beginning" but for you to put right and change your offensive ways.
12) You say "It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem?" If your disrespect and offensive comments continue- yes you are the problem. After past actions and words you have a steep hill to climb....
13) Just stop giving "tips" how to make their relationship work- that is for them to work out. A is not you- their relationship is not the same as the relationship you have with your husband.
14) Congratulations on becoming a Grandma. Surely you must be aware it's not usual for mother in laws to be present at the birth- let your negativity about "not allowed to be present" go.
15) its not surprising that given your offensive words towards A that she preferred to have her own parents visit earlier after the birth and more often. It most likely is that she finds her parents supportive and loving. Your son may feel that too. You clearly still have a steep hill to climb....
16) your son told you A wasn't well enough to receive your visit- but you took it upon yourself to ignore your son and A's wishes and visit anyway- again disrespectful and you made things worse
17) Im not entirely surprised your son and A have been ignoring your messages and calls- does this tell you that they are upset? Apparently not it seemingly makes you feel they are doing something wrong- and that is the ongoing problem- you appear to only be able to see things from your own perspective

You may have apologised, bought presents and gifts but thats not enough to make a relationship work and is meaningless if bigotry and offensive behaviour continues. Your son has on occasion acknowledged your efforts. But it sounds as though they are both just exhausted by your ongoing lack of insight and ongoing lack of respect for their boundaries. Their family and their baby are the most important things in their lives- not you and your skewed expectations.

Reflect more. Ask how you can put things right. Ask what changes they would like to see so you can be more welcomed into their family and their life with their son. Ask and try to understand their boundaries. A's mother seems to be getting things more right- ask what you can change to get it more right for your son and A to forgive you.

You will always have to accept that A is closer to her mother than she will ever be to you- even if and when you manage to make the necessary changes to get your relationship back on track with your son and A.

sent articles about baby care
😲 That is really overstepping the mark.

keepingquiet

There are two threads on the same topic from the same OP. I am wondering if this is genuine?

No wonder I got confused, thought I'd posted but there it was - gone!!
😁

Obvious culture clash.
You just don’t call in to see your grandson, just because you are driving by. Wait till you are invited.
We all say things that might ‘grate’ a bit. I have done it . But I always apologise, One d.I.l. is very forgiving, but the other isn’t. Tbh, we can’t do much about it.
I understand your situation. Hope things get sorted.

I’m not sure if this is genuine but for goodness sake calm down woman what a controller you are, I’d certainly cut you off this can’t be real

There are two threads on the same topic from the same OP. I am wondering if this is genuine?

If your for real I wouldn’t let you come within a hundred miles of my children.
I hope for everyone’s sake you’re a BOT.

Heavens above! As we say here - you have made your bed and now you must lie in it .....

Sad though it is I do not see any easy way back from this. You may have to just accept it and develop your own life.

If this is real and not a reverse, then, yes, you are the problem. You have crossed so many lines.

I agree. You have over stepped so many times. It fells like you now feel entitled to see the child. You are not. Sending articles on child care. What were you thinking. If you want to fix this you need to back off. Send them a voucher for a takeaway and say you remember how hard it was. Offer to help if they need it. Send small thoughtful gifts to mum and baby and then just wait.

For goodness sake stop. Just stop. They're all wrapped up in their baby and their own lives. Stop trying to force yourself into their lives. You are making this all about you and your feelings and opinions. Step back. Focus on your own life and wait to be invited to get more involved.