Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?

For goodness sake stop. Just stop. They're all wrapped up in their baby and their own lives. Stop trying to force yourself into their lives. You are making this all about you and your feelings and opinions. Step back. Focus on your own life and wait to be invited to get more involved.

I agree. You have over stepped so many times. It fells like you now feel entitled to see the child. You are not. Sending articles on child care. What were you thinking. If you want to fix this you need to back off. Send them a voucher for a takeaway and say you remember how hard it was. Offer to help if they need it. Send small thoughtful gifts to mum and baby and then just wait.

If this is real and not a reverse, then, yes, you are the problem. You have crossed so many lines.

Heavens above! As we say here - you have made your bed and now you must lie in it .....

Sad though it is I do not see any easy way back from this. You may have to just accept it and develop your own life.

If your for real I wouldn’t let you come within a hundred miles of my children.
I hope for everyone’s sake you’re a BOT.

There are two threads on the same topic from the same OP. I am wondering if this is genuine?

I’m not sure if this is genuine but for goodness sake calm down woman what a controller you are, I’d certainly cut you off this can’t be real

Obvious culture clash.
You just don’t call in to see your grandson, just because you are driving by. Wait till you are invited.
We all say things that might ‘grate’ a bit. I have done it . But I always apologise, One d.I.l. is very forgiving, but the other isn’t. Tbh, we can’t do much about it.
I understand your situation. Hope things get sorted.

keepingquiet

There are two threads on the same topic from the same OP. I am wondering if this is genuine?

No wonder I got confused, thought I'd posted but there it was - gone!!
😁

sent articles about baby care
😲 That is really overstepping the mark.

Crikey. I started reading, and reading and thought this should be on the AIBU forum. The lack of insight and bigotry was just so evident all the way through.

Not to be harsh but you did ask the overt question- what have I done wrong- so here is my list for what its worth:

1) You can not imagine or expect your son to end up with a 'smart Korean woman- just why?
2) Your son was not disrespectful when you voiced your opinion to him by responding "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white."- he was merely stating facts and holding his ground in the face of your bias
3) 2 years is not much of an age difference
4) You don't need to be 'thrilled' with your son's choice of partner- if you ever are that's a bonus
5) Either your son or his partner at any time might or might not gain an upper hand in their relationship- power balance changes form time to time- its there business if they are happy and together- give them time and space to grow and learn and don't be so biased and judgemental
6) why should the man have the "upper hand" anyway?
7) Your son will end up with a partner of his choosing
8) stop making "unfortunate" ( rude and disrespectful ) statements to your son that his relationship with his partner might not be "serious
9) Do not tell your son to "keep his options open" when he is in a relationship
10) "Why repetitively offend your son's partner and keep apologising. Learn what offends her and stop doing it.
11) it was offensive to tell A (not Korean) that Korean women make better mothers and lovers- wholly indefensible. It is not for your son and A to let that go as your "rocky beginning" but for you to put right and change your offensive ways.
12) You say "It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem?" If your disrespect and offensive comments continue- yes you are the problem. After past actions and words you have a steep hill to climb....
13) Just stop giving "tips" how to make their relationship work- that is for them to work out. A is not you- their relationship is not the same as the relationship you have with your husband.
14) Congratulations on becoming a Grandma. Surely you must be aware it's not usual for mother in laws to be present at the birth- let your negativity about "not allowed to be present" go.
15) its not surprising that given your offensive words towards A that she preferred to have her own parents visit earlier after the birth and more often. It most likely is that she finds her parents supportive and loving. Your son may feel that too. You clearly still have a steep hill to climb....
16) your son told you A wasn't well enough to receive your visit- but you took it upon yourself to ignore your son and A's wishes and visit anyway- again disrespectful and you made things worse
17) Im not entirely surprised your son and A have been ignoring your messages and calls- does this tell you that they are upset? Apparently not it seemingly makes you feel they are doing something wrong- and that is the ongoing problem- you appear to only be able to see things from your own perspective

You may have apologised, bought presents and gifts but thats not enough to make a relationship work and is meaningless if bigotry and offensive behaviour continues. Your son has on occasion acknowledged your efforts. But it sounds as though they are both just exhausted by your ongoing lack of insight and ongoing lack of respect for their boundaries. Their family and their baby are the most important things in their lives- not you and your skewed expectations.

Reflect more. Ask how you can put things right. Ask what changes they would like to see so you can be more welcomed into their family and their life with their son. Ask and try to understand their boundaries. A's mother seems to be getting things more right- ask what you can change to get it more right for your son and A to forgive you.

You will always have to accept that A is closer to her mother than she will ever be to you- even if and when you manage to make the necessary changes to get your relationship back on track with your son and A.

You are bringing all this on yourself. Your son is not a child and hopefully you have brought him up to be a responsible adult who makes good choices, which in his opinion, he has with his partner. I only hope that you have not cast a dark cloud over the early stages of their life together both in their relationship and with their new baby. If you carry on the way you are doing, you will have built in failure for sure. New times, new climes.

My replies were deleted with the other thread!
But please come back OP as if you're genuine, you really need advice before the relationship with your son and his family breaks down completely.
Please note that daughters are not always closer to their own mothers and families.
I certainly prefer my inlaws and know my daughter in law to be is closer to us due to her own mother's bigotry.

OP is either a troll or a racist bigot.

I really don’t think we should be fuelling the fire.

Oh gosh, I don’t even know where to start with this!! It is so easy to see why some people are estranged…….🤦🏻‍♀️

CelloPlayer somehow, over a remarkably short space of time, you've managed to breach every boundary, cause offence to everyone on every level and created an almost insurmountable rift between your own son and his family. Your interference in trying to force your son to choose only a cute, smart Korean girl, who won't have an upper hand in the relationship, manages to be racist, sexist and misogynistic, all at the same time; well done on that. Personally, I can't see any way back for you from this; your behaviour has been too toxic for most decent people to move past and, if I was your son, or DIL, I would ensure that you never came near my child again, no matter how many expensive gifts you sent. Quite honestly I'd advise you to just leave them alone from now on; they don't need what you have on offer.

I made a mistake on this site as it is my first time using it! I apologize. I posted on one "forum" then did not find my post again so I re-posted it on another "forum", thinking I had done something wrong. Hence, two posts on two separate "forums."
I am not a BOT.
I am reading the responses here, and am so grateful there are any at all. I have been at a loss and find it hard to express it, even to my husband. I do not have many friends and I'll be honest in saying I am not the best at putting my emotions and thoughts into words...
I will also freely admit I am surprised to see that I have not done enough to restore our relationship. I thought I was going above and beyond, and truly, what I have done has been to sincerely make things right with her. She is a gentle young woman and although she is not what I would have wanted for my son, I can see why they have chosen each other...

I am not a racist!!! It could be I have been a bit misguided, and indeed, offensive, but I am married to a Brit, and get along splendidly with his family, who are all WHITE. We had "rocky beginnings" as well, with his parents fearing I was after money (I make my own). As such I would say I worried a lot about my sons going through the same, if they were to get into relationships with white women. Or men for that matter.
What I said to her / them about Asian women being better lovers and everything else was indeed offensive. I agree that it was out of pocket and if I could take it back I would. But I can't.
What more can I do, besides apologize? And keep my mouth shut if a thought like that crosses my mind?

I think yiu need therapy or training to change your mindset.
You need to accept people for themselves not for their gender, race, background, etc...

OK, well if this is actually real, here's what I would do :
- apologise unreservedly for your comments about her being 'lesser than a Korean girl' (and for the life of me I can't think why you would say or even think that, given that you are married to a white, British man!!). Say that you quite understand that it would have seriously offended her;
- say that you clearly have some views which need updating & that you will start straight away to work on those, either with professional help or with extensive self-help methods;
- accept that your son is an adult, his first loyalty is now to his wife, not you , and that you must wait to be invited to visit or do anything to do with their baby;
- stop offering unsolicited advice and sending 'helpful' articles - they are the opposite of helpful unless requested. Advice on cultural differences and tips for how to make their marriage work would offend anyone....
- "A was looking radiant if a bit tired" - have you actually listened to that again? A bit tired?! She's just had a baby for goodness sake! Learn to stop all your sentences on the positive without qualifying with a negative..."A was looking radiant" would have been lovely;
- accept that her mother will always come first for her, just as your sons are uppermost in your mind..that's natural. It takes time to accept, but accept it you must, if you want to have any relationship with her at all.
I mean, good luck, but you have a lot of work to do. In answer to your question...yes, I'm sorry but at the moment you are most DEFINITELY the problem, sorry.

Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?

Entice her with a gift? She isnt a child or a pet!

CelloPlayer- 12.08 I am not a racist!!! It could be I have been a bit misguided, and indeed, offensive, but I am married to a Brit, and get along splendidly with his family, who are all WHITE. well done on coming on line to give your feedback- thats brave at least.

"Misguided"? By whom or what- your belief system? It doesn't matter whether you're married to a man, woman, white person or any other colour skin person. You made racist, sexist and misogynistic comments even if you do not see yourself as a person described in that way.

You say "I do not have many friends and I'll be honest in saying I am not the best at putting my emotions and thoughts into words." That also is a fundamental problem. If you keep saying, racist, sexist, misogynistic words your relationship with your son and A will not improve.

You say "I will also freely admit I am surprised to see that I have not done enough to restore our relationship. I thought I was going above and beyond, and truly, what I have done has been to sincerely make things right with her".

You have not gone above and beyond, save for upsetting and alienating your son and A. I am surprised you feel you have- thats a true giveaway on your low level of insight into the issues underpinning the tensions you are experiencing with your son and A.

Only you can develop insight. Only you can change so that you do not repeat the way you express yourself. I suggest counselling if you are really motivated to develop insight into your beliefs, your behaviour and communication style.

Your son is now an adult. He gave you clear a very clear indication of his boundaries at the very beginning of his relationship to A when you commented:

"I would ask him from time to time if he had met any cute Korean girls at university, and every time I would get the same response: "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white." I did not think that was very respectful, but I let it go".

When your son articulated his boundaries you felt he was being disrespectful. Therein also lies the problem because he wasn't disrespectful- you were. Again counselling can help you reflect on appropriate boundaries, why they are necessary and why they need to be respected, and, specifically you can how to respect those of your adult son and A going forward.

What is your husband's take on all this?